Barely Legal

Title: Barely Legal

Director: Jose Montesinos

Writer: Naomi L. Selfman

Starring: Jeneta St. Clair, Melissa Johnston, Lisa Younger

Year released: 2011

Their synopsis: “Sue, Cheryl, and Lexi–all freshman in college–have been friends forever…Every year, they do something special to celebrate their birthday, and this year, on their eighteenth, they’re determined to lose their virginity.”

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening, post-synopsis): They’re “all freshman in college.” I think this gives you some idea of the level of intelligent filmmaking we’re going to be witnessing.

My synopsis: A whore, a prude, and a retarded Anna Faris throw a pool party in an attempt to lose their virginity. Had they simply had sex with each other, they could have made a much better film, and saved money on decorations.

Quick review: Not terrible. Fairly sexy.

Pros: Making fun of the visually-impaired. Goes by quickly.

Cons: There’s no way this movie took more than 37 hours to film.

Biggest movie cliché: Some type of teenage sex pact.

Favorite quote: “I’m blind, you fucking asshole.”

Say a nice thing: Lexi’s a goddamn champion.

Say a mean thing: Chris is very clearly a fag.

Say a creepy thing: ‘Barely legal’ isn’t even 18 in the best states.

Vulgar, unnecessary spoiler: A dog ate the shit outta some girl’s pussy.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: That the main characters are anywhere close to 17. Their daughters are already 20.

Final review: There’s no way the party Sue, Lexi, and Cheryl (When’s the last time you met an 18-year-old named Cheryl?) threw wasn’t the worst party ever. Barely Legal is a much better movie than that was a party. It’s an Asylum sex comedy that didn’t decide it needed an intricate plot line. Always a good move. One-dimensional characters finding themselves in awkward sexual situations. Comedy gold! Or not gold, exactly. Comedy pyrite. Sort of unfair to say the characters didn’t experience any personal growth, either. One realized she was dating the wrong kind of guy, one realized she is bisexual, and one became a chronic masturbator. Lessons abound.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

 

#1 Cheerleader Camp

Title: #1 Cheerleader Camp

Director: Mark Quod

Writer: Naomi L. Selfman

Starring: Seth Cassell, Jay Gillespie, Erica Duke

Year released: 2010

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): The “Unrated Upskirt Version.” Really the only version, if you ask me.

Their synopsis: “A pair of horny college guys get summer jobs at a sexy cheerleader camp.”

My synopsis: Aren’t all cheerleader camps, “sexy” cheerleader camps?

Quick review: Not funny, occasionally loathsome. Only mildly arousing.

Pros: The movie opens with respectable, progressive, topless large-breasted women bouncing on a trampoline to protest white male paternalism. (I assume.)

Cons: There isn’t one believable aspect of this film. Why complicate yoga shorts and dick jokes with such a retarded plot?

Biggest movie cliché: The awkward, insecure girl that everyone made fun of was actually a great cheerleader?! Now I’ve heard everything!!

Least favorite quote: “I got it at the stripper store.” That’s especially careless writing.

Say a nice thing: I’ve heard of tone-deaf, but after looking at all those hard bodies, I’m going tone-blind!

Say a mean thing: I would only pay Charlene Tilton to appear at her own funeral.

Say a thing: That gay guy is the most passive rapist I’ve ever seen.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Not sure why all these 30-year-olds are at a cheerleading camp.

Most relatable current event: Every single real/faux Star Wars fanboy cheerleading the latest trailer. Everyone wants this movie to be good so goddamn badly, but I’m still not sure. I still remember the disappointment of Super 8.

Final review: First things first. Who the fuck is Charlene Tilton and why am I supposed to give a shit? Because I don’t. She’s an irrelevant person who is an irrelevant addition to an irrelevant movie already riddled with irrelevant plot add-ons. Instead of recreating trite premises such as the scheming rival cheerleader (Named Britt, obviously.) why not lend some of the writing to explain something pertinent, like how the fuck old these people are supposed to be? This film was made by people who haven’t even a cursory knowledge of cheerleading. “Cheerleaders are hot, right? But what else do they do?” “I bet they run constantly, and would be friends with strippers!” The movie’s worst sin, however, is that it thinks it’s cool. It’s not edgy, it’s predictable and monotonous.

Ranking:

2 bees

Grimm’s Snow White

Title: Grimm’s Snow White

Director: Rachel (Lee) Goldenberg

Writer: Naomi L. Selfman

Starring: Eliza Bennett, Jamie Thomas King, Jane March

Year released: 2012

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I can’t find any more Asylum titles on Netflix. Sad face.

Their synopsis: “When the King is killed by ferocious reptile beasts, his Queen takes control of the kingdom. She tries to kill her beautiful stepdaughter SNOW, but she escapes into the enchanted forest…”

My synopsis: I’ll let Netflix take this one, “Unlike the big screen versions, this low budget take adds dragons and other twists into the tale of an evil queen and her beautiful stepdaughter.”

Quick review: Overly complicated nonsense.

Pros: Dungeon sex.

Cons: Seriously? No midgets? Come on, man…

Biggest movie cliché: Stepmoms are bitches.

Say a kinda nice thing: Gwendolyn is a sexy, trampy queen.

Say a kinda mean thing: I mean, I guess Eliza Bennett is attractive. Sort of…

Biggest suspension of disbelief: That one “straight” elf seemed awfully angry to have the fairest maiden in all the land resting in his bed… It’s ok, Orlando, we’re all cool here. Go ahead and say it out loud. You’ll feel much better once you do.

Most relatable current event: Stepparents are embarrassing.

Final review: Why not just make a movie based on the original Brothers Grimm story? It’s an awesome fairy tale, which ends with the queen being “forced to step into [the] red-hot shoes and dance until she fell down dead.” Fucking evil! However, instead of fiery iron sneakers, the viewer is subject to a different kind of gruesome torture. The slow, painful torture of boredom and superfluousness. I cannot see any point whatsoever in adding dragons, demon dogs, amulets, and magic fires to Snow White. They are entirely useless additions. And the attempt to weave all of this drivel into an intelligible plot is poorly executed. The Asylum and modesty simply do not mix.

Ranking:

2 bees

Mega Python vs Gatoroid

Title: Mega Python vs Gatoroid

Director: Mary Lambert

Writer: Naomi L. Selfman

Starring: Deborah Gibson, Tiffany, A (Adolph) Martinez

Year released: 2011

Their synopsis: “After a species of giant python invades the everglades, park rangers breed mutant alligators to counter the threat.”

My synopsis: Some dumb lady releases genetically modified pythons into the wild, so some other dumb lady feeds alligators steroid chickens. This is exactly why women should not be allowed to study the sciences.

Quick review: This movie probably would’ve grossed $200 million if it had been made in 1988. Only missed it by a couple of decades.

Pros: Catfight! That old lady from Desperate Housewives is also pretty good.

Cons: All the other actors have the emotional range of a rabid ferret.

Hottest ‘80s teen idol: At their peak, I’d have taken Tiffany. Right now? Debbie Gibson.

Biggest movie cliché: Somebody saying they need something done “yesterday!”

Say a nice thing: The leading ladies both looked quite lovely in their evening wear.

Say a mean thing: The big celebrity you brought in for your fundraiser was Micky Dolenz? Adam Lanza’s rotting corpse would have raised more money.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Somebody referred to the 70-year-old former Monkee as “hot.”

Final review: Luring giant reptiles into an egg-laden quarry and then blowing the hell out of it is, on paper, the most plausible monster movie ending in Asylum history. Of course, it involved the use of pheromones, which isn’t exactly an original idea. The “versus” monster plot was done correctly, wherein both monsters attack the respective opposing group, then come together toward the end to fuck all kinds of shit up. Negatively? The action scenes are awful, nobody can stop overacting, the helicopter pilot at the end is a retard, and the references to Tiffany and Debbie Gibson’s songstress past are painfully shoehorned in. Finally, in a fun twist, (Spoiler alert!) both leading ladies die at the hands of the monsters they helped create. This leads to a Mexican hosting a ribbon-cutting ceremony, which has probably never happened before ever. Racism!

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Bikini Spring Break

Title: Bikini Spring Break

Director: Jared Cohn

Writer: Jared Cohn, Naomi L. Selfman

Starring: five girls, the guy from Revenge of the Nerds

Year released: 2012

Their synopsis: “A group of coeds from a small conservative college break out of their shells when their marching band bus breaks down in Ft. Lauderdale during Spring Break.”

My synopsis: Wacky spring break antics.

Quick review: An example of when not giving a fuck can be a fun thing for a movie.

Pros: Boobs. I swear to god, five seconds into the movie. A “Start to Tits” time that is virtually unsurpassable. Jared Cohn is a master at this. (Editing naked women into a film early, in the desperate attempt to get people like me to keep watching. Not actual filmmaking. He’s certainly not a master at that.)

Cons: All of the spring break parties look boring as shit.

Biggest movie cliché: Wacky spring break antics.

Favorite quotes: “Let’s go, retards.” and “Queef you later!” They don’t really need context.

Say a nice thing: Gotta admire a coach who’s willing to walk into the locker room unannounced.

Say a mean thing: Franny looks like Selena Gomez’s jealous, coke-addicted, older (much older) sister.

MFK: Marry Zoe. Fuck Michelle. Kill…Whitney, maybe? None of them are particularly murderable.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: What marching band do you know has zero fat ugly dykes?

Final review: Joke-wise, the movie didn’t bat very well. When you take that many swings, you’re bound to miss. A lot. I did laugh a couple of times though, which is a couple more times than I would have expected. The lesson The Asylum should learn from this movie is, when you don’t give a shit about making a quality film, make it a silly comedy. That way, all of the many, many mistakes and terrible editing won’t distract the viewer. “I can’t be mad, it’s obvious they don’t care!” Oh, and show a lot of attractive women, wearing little to no clothing. Always helps.

Ranking:

3 bees

Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus

Title: Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus

Director: Christopher (Douglas-Olen) Ray

Writer: Micho Rutare, Naomi L. Selfman

Starring: Jaleel White, Gary Stretch, Sarah Lieving

Year released: 2010

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): This is the (first) sequel to the critically lauded and runaway smash hit, Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus. Ace Hannah/Jack Perez is not involved, however, and I am nervous.

Their synopsis: “With the prehistoric Crocosaurus on a collision course with a Mega Shark, the world’s top scientists explore every option to halt the aquatic clash.”

My synopsis: Hold on, “a Mega Shark”? The movie specifically states it’s the same one. Regardless, Mega Shark loves to eat Crocosaurus eggs, which does not go over well with Mother Croc. The US government, working alone apparently, tries to kill them both.

Quick review: It was too normal for a movie about multiple 1,000-foot-long prehistoric monsters.

Pros: I never realized how smoochable Sarah Lieving’s lips are. Very sexy.

Cons: The fight scenes between Mega Shark and Crocosaurus were poorly choreographed, and it was cringeworthy when they tried to make Urkel and the other guy look like action heroes.

How it relates to the original film: If Mega Shark survived, what happened to Giant Octopus? Did Mega Shark win? I wouldn’t doubt it, as Mega Shark is a bridge-eating, plane-attacking, badass motherfucker, but I would still like some clarification. Giant Octopus deserved better than to just be written out entirely.

Biggest movie cliché: I was taken aback when the plan that everybody said wouldn’t work, totally worked at the end! Never saw it coming.

Say a nice thing: During the Panama Canal scene, for at least a second or two, I thought, “This is pretty cool.”

Say a mean thing: The movie ends with a croc/crock pun. An ending of child rape would’ve elicited more laughs.

Least favorite non-quote: “Did I do thaaat?” Jaleel White didn’t say this one time.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Again, I have to call into question how large this Mega Shark really is. In his opening sequence, Mega Shark goes from 100 feet long, to about 4,000 feet long, then back again.

Most relatable current event: Big ass crocodile.

Final review:  I didn’t hate the egg story line, which I saw as an attempt to differentiate itself from the original. However, the core cast of characters is not as strong as the previous film, nor are their interpersonal relationships. The action isn’t as distinct, and the subtle winks are absent. I absolutely hated the constant and arbitrary cutaways to nameless characters. It’s like they promised too many people a line in the movie and had to squeeze them in somehow. It’s interesting enough on its own and the tempo is fine, but it ultimately falls directly into the sequel trap. My expectations were very low, and though it was better than I anticipated, that’s mostly just because I figured it’d be complete and utter shit.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

 

2012: Doomsday

Title: 2012: Doomsday

Director: Nick Everhart

Writer: Nick Everhart, Naomi L. Selfman

Starring: people

Year released: 2008

Their synopsis: “In the days leading up to December 21, 2012, four strangers are mysteriously drawn to an ancient temple in the Mexican jungle.”

My synopsis: People in multiple cities across North America combat the impending apocalypse with varying levels of jesusiness.

Quick review: A jesusy version of that dumb Roland Emmerich film, with some Close Encounters of the Third Kind thievery thrown in for good measure.

Pros: Leafcutter ants. I wish this whole movie was 90 minutes of leafcutter ants.

Cons: Six minutes in and there was already a goddamn crucifix. I knew it was gonna be rough.

Biggest movie cliché: The EMT has lost her faith in god, but I’m willing to bet she’ll find it again by the end of the film. (Spoiler alert: she did.)

Say a nice thing: I wouldn’t want a few of the actors to fall down an elevator shaft.

Say a mean thing: I wish an actual “Doomsday” would have happened in the middle of this shitty film so I didn’t have to finish it.

Say a meaner thing: I want that fucking old bitch to die.

Say a racist thing: The Mayans are a stupid race of people.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Do I have to say it again? There’s no god. It’s 2014. Can we all stop pretending? Please?

Most relatable current event: That movie about sexy jesus.

Final review: Fuck this movie, god, and jesus. Seriously, this movie made me so angry. It’s The Apocalypse with a different cast. It’s garbage. A series of ham-handed, preachy conversations about how awesome god is, and if you don’t believe it then there’s something wrong with you. Whether you believe in god or not, this movie will insult your intelligence and make you want to kick jesus right in the cunt.

Ranking:

0 bees