Almighty Thor

Title: Almighty Thor

Director: Christopher (Douglas-Olen) Ray

Writer: Erik Estenberg

Starring: Cody Deal, Richard Grieco, Patricia Velasquez

Year released: 2011

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): The last movie I watched written by Erik Estenberg was Monster. Off to a bad start already.

Their synopsis: “When the demon god Loki destroys the fortress of Valhalla and steals the Hammer of Invincibility, only the young hero Thor can protect Earth from armageddon.”

My synopsis: Just about the worst goddamn interpretation of Norse mythology you’ll ever find.

Quick review: We may be able to control our own fate, but nobody can control the direction of this meandering dogshit.

Pros: I love Marta! She was great in El Amor Prohibido. Should’ve won the Desi.

Cons: I swear to christ the opening has been used in like nine other Asylum films. And why is there an uzi?

Biggest movie cliché: The whole fucking thing. The hero is worthy, but not quite ready. Courageous, yet immature. He is trained by so-and-so, needs to blah blah blah, and so on. Jesus god…

Say a silly thing: Kevin Nash, perhaps best known as the co-founder of nWo, plays Odin even better than dumb ol’ Anthony Hopkins!

Say a mean thing: I’ve only just learned that “Erik Estenberg” is the same person as “Eric Forsberg.” As if I didn’t already want to decapitate that sneaky jew with a shovel…

Say another mean thing: The fight coordinator for this film should be beaten to death like Gaddafi.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Cody Deal playing the lead. Shane Van Dyke very clearly should have played Thor.

Most relatable current event: In the lead-up to Infinity War, James Gunn is awfully high on the new Captain America.

Final review: It’s kind of hard to tell whether the writing is making the actors worse, or if the actors are making the writing worse. Either way, it’s still worse. I mean, my god is it worse… In one supposedly emotional scene, where Thor is realizing he may not have all the answers, some lady pushing her kid in a stroller wanders into the shot, and stares at the camera. This seriously fucking happens. Sixty-three minutes into the movie. AND THEY LEFT IT IN!!! Are you kidding me?! I honestly cannot tell if anyone involved in Almighty Thor is even trying, or if this is the best they can do. They should all feel bad about themselves regardless.

Ranking:

1.5 bees

3-Headed Shark Attack

Title: 3-Headed Shark Attack

Director: Christopher (Douglas-Olen) Ray

Writer: Jacob Cooney, Bill Hanstock

Starring: Karrueche Tran, Brad Mills, Jena Sims

Year released: 2015

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Christopher Ray and multi-headed sharks do not mix well.

Their synopsis: “The world’s greatest killing machine is three times as deadly when a mutated shark originating from the Great Pacific garbage patch eats its way through an island research facility…”

My synopsis: Terrible actors, some of whom have excellent breasts, travel from boat to boat, despite a boring, three-headed shark terrorizing the waters.

Quick review: Please, Christopher, for the love of god, don’t make 4-Headed Shark Attack. I beg of you.

Pros: Every single (annoying, poorly-edited) death is welcomed.

Cons: The entire film should’ve been shot at Jena Sim’s place.

Biggest movie cliché: Because of course the black guy’s name is Omar…

Say a nice thing: Danny Trejo is a likeable fella.

Say a sexist thing: Karrueche Tran and Jena Sims are not actresses. They are objects to be leered at, and used for physical pleasure. That’s the only thing they’re good for.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Hahaha, I loved the shots of the boat’s driver trying to stay out of frame. He didn’t do so well.

Most relatable current event: That garbage patch really is a travesty.

Final review: The massive three-headed shark can apparently attack and kill you from anywhere (standing onshore, using the restroom, etc.), so why would it matter if you successfully swam to a boat? It doesn’t. This is merely one reason the film is tensionless. Another? Much like its predecessor, you’ll hate most of the characters and want them to die. That’s not to say you’ll be rooting for the shark, because the shark is also retarded. As is the dialogue. And the premise. This movie is a mess.

Ranking:

1.5 bees

Mega Shark vs Kolossus

Title: Mega Shark vs Kolossus

Director: Christopher (Douglas-Olen) Ray

Writer: Edward DeRuiter

Starring: Illeana Douglas, Amy Rider, Edward DeRuiter

Year released: 2015

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Whatever happened to Ace Hannah/Jack Perez?

Their synopsis: “In search of a new energy source, Russia accidentally reawakens the Kolossus…At the same time, a new Mega Shark appears, threatening global security. Now the world must figure out how to stop the deadly giants before they destroy everything on land AND sea.”

My synopsis: Yet again, Mega Shark returns, and a new approach to defeating it is conceived. Spoiler alert! It doesn’t work.

Quick review: A step back for the storied Mega Shark franchise.

Pros: The Unicorn Squadron’s uniforms are terrific. And it was funny when Mega Shark blew up jesus. (Team Unicorn is apparently a thing. Who knew?)

Cons: Kolossus is a shitty versee. Also, were the subtitles for the foreigners, who were speaking perfect English, a reference to something? If not, it was just racist.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Fake Sam Jackson. Fuck you, Asylum.

Least favorite quote: For christ’s sake, stop calling it a “Megalodon.” It’s not a Megalodon. Megalodons had a limited size and would not have been impenetrable to missiles. It’s a fucking Mega Shark or it’s nothing!

Say a nice thing: Kolossus threw Mega Shark into space. Yes, it happened, and it was awesome.

Say a mean thing: The editing, especially for the action scenes, is fucking terrible.

Biggest movie cliché: Why does everything mechanical always have a self-destruct feature?

Most relatable current event: The summer belonged to Deep Blue.

Final review: As much as I hated fake Sam Jackson, at least it was obvious wink to the audience. As was blowing up Cristo Redentor, and distracting the giant Soviet-era robot with an enormous American flag. For some reason, however, the film would often stop enjoying its silliness, and decide that Mega Shark versus Kolossus was a subject to be taken seriously. Kolossus is easily the worst of the Mega Shark opponents. Its storyline didn’t make any sense, and was practically unnecessary. If you want Mega Shark to fight a giant robot, there are a hundred better ways to get there. As awful as Kolossus is, the actual villain of the movie is embarrassing. Another Mega Shark will be made; cross your fingers it’s something fun.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Mercenaries

Title: Mercenaries

Director: Christopher (Douglas-Olen) Ray

Writer: Edward DeRuiter

Starring: Zoё Bell, Kristanna Loken, Vivica A. Fox, Nicole Bilderback

Year released: 2014

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): How is this popular on Netflix?

Their synopsis: “A diplomatic official is captured and imprisoned while touring a war zone, so a team of elite female commandoes is assembled to infiltrate a women’s prison for a daring rescue.”

My synopsis: Female prisoners of rapidly descending attractiveness attempt to save the president’s daughter from a shitty, not-at-all believable villain.

Quick review: Women are just as something something as men. Wasn’t paying that much attention, was busy hoping Kat would start an orgy with all the teenage prostitutes.

Pros: The first thing I’ve seen Kristanna Loken in since Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines. (Haha, I know. I forgot about that movie too.) This is good news because Kristanna Loken is really hot. Also, Lexi is a yummy little scamp. And I don’t even like Russian girls.

Cons: Was the comic book thing necessary, or just a cheap cop-out to make editing easier?

Biggest movie cliché: The foreign bad guy uses the phrase, “You Americans…”

MFK: Marry Kat. Fuck Mei-Lin. Kill Raven and Cassandra.

Say a nice thing: Zoё Bell was great in Death Proof.

Say a mean thing: Zoё Bell has aged terribly since Death Proof.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Worst. Minigun. Ever.

Most relatable current event: What are Sasha and Malia up to? Totally unrelated, how old is Malia now? Asking for a friend…

Final review: First of all, everything about the Kazakh terrorists is wrong. Fucking everything. 1) They’re white! For fuck sake!! 2) They’re led by a woman! This is PC bullshit and it’s fucking enraging. That asininity aside, the movie becomes watchable after the first act. Decently acted with a predictable story. The action scenes, however, are nonsensical and awful. If you’re trying to make an action movie, and the action scenes are the worst part, you’re probably doing something wrong. In addition, Mercenaries is supposed to (on some level) serve as a feminist film, but it was clearly written by a man who doesn’t know anything about feminism. Not that I care, really, but the glaringly poor effort did annoy me. On the plus side, it would be funny to watch a hardcore feminist get frustrated with the paper-thin female characters sassing their way about Kazakhstan.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Shark Week

Title: Shark Week

Director: Christopher (Douglas-Olen) Ray

Writer: Liz Adams, H. Perry Horton

Starring: Erin Coker, Gay David Arquette, a bunch of other losers

Year released: 2012

Their synopsis: “A group of complete strangers find themselves isolated by a wealthy madman on his island compound. They are forced into a horrifying gauntlet where they must survive a barrage of ever deadlier species of shark.”

My synopsis: Various white people from California are kidnapped by an ugly couple with a shark fetish. Some of them are then eaten in a swimming pool.

Quick review: No. Just no. This is fucking terrible.

Pros: I feel better about myself as a person given that I wasn’t involved in the production of this film.

Cons: Everything. And why the fuck was that guy wearing a leather jacket and sunglasses?

MFK: Marry Francine. Fuck Reagan. Kill Layla.

Biggest movie cliché: Yancy Butler’s character, for no reason whatsoever, said, “Well, you know what they say. ‘You mess with the bull, you get the horns.’”

Say a nice thing that’s not actually nice at all: I once implied that due to Erin Coker’s odd face, if I were to have sex with her, I would put a bag over her head. I’ve since changed my mind. I think she’s ugly cute.

Say a mean thing: “…it would be a lot more easier…” Is that what it would be, you moron? You look great in the yoga pants, Yancy, but I would still like to disembowel you with that harpoon.

Least favorite quote: “Oh my god, the key unlocks our handcuffs.” Really, dickface? You didn’t think of trying that until just now?

Another least favorite quote: “Maybe we could tie the shark tooth to the stick. Make a spear.” Are you fucking retarded? Because seriously, that’s a retarded suggestion.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: So many things took me out of this movie. It’s so goddamn awful.

Final review: To be honest, I liked the synopsis when I read it. I was hoping for Battle Royale, plus sharks. That’s not what this is. Shark Week is an unbelievably bad film. Poorly executed to an embarrassing level. Shockingly bad. Irredeemable. Dreadful. Insufferable. Other words such as these. I hate this movie so much.

Ranking:

.5 bee

Asteroid vs Earth

Title: Asteroid vs Earth

Director: Christopher (Douglas-Olen) Ray

Writer: Adam Lipsius

Starring: Tia Carrere, Jason Brooks, Robert Davi

Year released: 2014

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I don’t really see how an asteroid and the Earth can versus each other.

Their synopsis: “When a shower of massive meteors threatens Earth’s inhabitants with extinction, the world’s greatest minds devise a dangerous plan that will tilt the planet off its axis to avoid the impact.”

My synopsis: This guy wants to bang an Asian girl at a bar, but ends up having to work with her to set off nukes in the Yap Trench. Eventually, I think he probably does end up banging her.

Quick review: It’s not very exciting, but it’s not altogether bad.

Pros: Believable, normal homosexual characters in an Asylum film.

Cons: The movie’s asteroid-avoidance plot is less coherent than Armageddon’s.

Biggest movie cliché: A completely ludicrous, impossible-to-achieve idea to save Earth from asteroidal annihilation actually worked!

Best cameo: Melvin Gregg!

Say a nice thing: I liked the fidgety Asian intern.

Say a mean thing: The only good thing about Davi’s helmet of a hairpiece is that it distracts from his godawful, craterous face.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: That kid in charge of the nukes was far too young to be giving orders. The varying weight of the nuclear warheads was also completely absurd.

Most relatable current event: This could be Asteroid vs Earth 2.

Final review: It’s fairly well-executed, but lord almighty is it boring. I kept having to pause it and go do things, then come back. Perhaps this isn’t the best way to review a film, but it beats sleeping through it (which did happen once) and making this whole thing up. (Although, I’m not sure anyone would know the difference.) More, or just better, action sequences would have helped break up the monotony. Not creating monotony would have also been advisable.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

2-Headed Shark Attack

Title: 2-Headed Shark Attack

Director: Christopher (Douglas-Olen) Ray

Writer: Edward DeRuiter, H. Perry Horton

Starring: Carmen Electra, Charlie O’Connell, Brooke Hogan, David Gallegos

Year released: 2012

Their synopsis: “Terror takes a ghastly form when a gigantic two-headed shark sinks a ship full of students, and the survivors wash up on a tiny atoll.”

My synopsis: A gross misunderstanding of what ‘Semester at Sea’ actually means, leads to a bunch of morons getting eaten by a large shark that has two functional heads. Because sure, why not?

Quick review: It’s never a good sign when Brooke Hogan is one of your film’s better actors.

Pros: Pretty girls in bikinis. A monster killing all of the stupid humans.

Cons: Enough. With. The screaming! And Charlie O’Connell makes his brother look like Brando.

Biggest movie cliché: Anything that’s ever happened in any shark movie ever.

Say a nice thing: I liked the guy who was only concerned with having a threesome. There’s a man with his priorities in order.

Say a mean thing: The script supervisor for this film should be impaled on a spike.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: The kiss between Carmen Electra and Charlie O’Connell at the end of the film was unconscionably bad. Also, how does an enormous shark not beach itself in three feet of water? And did it somehow remove its fin for this shallow attack? Lazy.

Most relatable current event: “…there had been a ‘loud impact and noise’ before the vessel started sinking.” Let me guess…

Final review: The film occasionally played up the fact that it was a dumb movie about sexy college kids and a killer shark with two heads. Some of the scenes with Carmen Electra prove this, as well as multiple scenes showing the interesting ways a two-headed shark might be able to eat people. However, a lot of the shark attack scenes were deadly serious, which is a problem when they’re also nonsensical and poorly shot. It really annoyed me how careless this movie tended to get. It’s as if the filmmakers were unaware of the concept of storyboarding. The editing wasn’t much better. How do you fuck up so bad making a popcorn flick about a deformed monster shark eating chicks with big tits?

Ranking:

1.5 bees

Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus

Title: Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus

Director: Christopher (Douglas-Olen) Ray

Writer: Micho Rutare, Naomi L. Selfman

Starring: Jaleel White, Gary Stretch, Sarah Lieving

Year released: 2010

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): This is the (first) sequel to the critically lauded and runaway smash hit, Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus. Ace Hannah/Jack Perez is not involved, however, and I am nervous.

Their synopsis: “With the prehistoric Crocosaurus on a collision course with a Mega Shark, the world’s top scientists explore every option to halt the aquatic clash.”

My synopsis: Hold on, “a Mega Shark”? The movie specifically states it’s the same one. Regardless, Mega Shark loves to eat Crocosaurus eggs, which does not go over well with Mother Croc. The US government, working alone apparently, tries to kill them both.

Quick review: It was too normal for a movie about multiple 1,000-foot-long prehistoric monsters.

Pros: I never realized how smoochable Sarah Lieving’s lips are. Very sexy.

Cons: The fight scenes between Mega Shark and Crocosaurus were poorly choreographed, and it was cringeworthy when they tried to make Urkel and the other guy look like action heroes.

How it relates to the original film: If Mega Shark survived, what happened to Giant Octopus? Did Mega Shark win? I wouldn’t doubt it, as Mega Shark is a bridge-eating, plane-attacking, badass motherfucker, but I would still like some clarification. Giant Octopus deserved better than to just be written out entirely.

Biggest movie cliché: I was taken aback when the plan that everybody said wouldn’t work, totally worked at the end! Never saw it coming.

Say a nice thing: During the Panama Canal scene, for at least a second or two, I thought, “This is pretty cool.”

Say a mean thing: The movie ends with a croc/crock pun. An ending of child rape would’ve elicited more laughs.

Least favorite non-quote: “Did I do thaaat?” Jaleel White didn’t say this one time.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Again, I have to call into question how large this Mega Shark really is. In his opening sequence, Mega Shark goes from 100 feet long, to about 4,000 feet long, then back again.

Most relatable current event: Big ass crocodile.

Final review:  I didn’t hate the egg story line, which I saw as an attempt to differentiate itself from the original. However, the core cast of characters is not as strong as the previous film, nor are their interpersonal relationships. The action isn’t as distinct, and the subtle winks are absent. I absolutely hated the constant and arbitrary cutaways to nameless characters. It’s like they promised too many people a line in the movie and had to squeeze them in somehow. It’s interesting enough on its own and the tempo is fine, but it ultimately falls directly into the sequel trap. My expectations were very low, and though it was better than I anticipated, that’s mostly just because I figured it’d be complete and utter shit.

Ranking:

2.5 bees