The Land That Time Forgot

Title: The Land That Time Forgot

Director: C. Thomas Howell

Writer: Darren Dalton (not Edgar Rice Burroughs)

Starring: C. Thomas Howell, Anya Benton, Lindsey McKeon

Year released: 2009

Their synopsis: “After their boat is capsized in a violent storm, a group of survivors land on a deserted island.”

My synopsis: The Asylum remade a film I never saw –which was originally taken from a book I never read– and they did a really good job. At least for the first two acts.

Quick review: Thank god for the Devil’s Triangle. Without it, we don’t get an awesome film.

Pros: Great pace for an action movie, especially in the first act. Lindsey McKeon’s shorts.

Cons: Worst gun fight/gunplay in cinematic history. Not enough dinosaurs.

Biggest movie cliché: Stop leaving one person alone in a mysterious/potentially dangerous environment! Just cut it out! We’ve all seen what happens! (Getting captured and possibly sexually assaulted by Germans.)

Say a nice thing: They released this film at the same time Universal Pictures released Will Ferrell’s Land of the Lost. When compared, the diarrhea-through-a-projector that is Land of the Lost makes The Land That Time Forgot look like a Kurosawa picture.

Say a mean thing: ‘Cooperative Germans’ is an oxymoron. They were much more believable as gun-toting rapists.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Where do I start with the premise of the third act? Mud isn’t petroleum. Even if it were, 1/80th of a jug could not be made into gasoline with your shitty, wannabe Gilligan’s Island setup. Even if it could be made into gasoline, you couldn’t run a generator with so little, so don’t you dare pretend you’re gonna start that goddamn U-boat.

Final review: The first two acts are stupendous, and it could’ve been the best actual film The Asylum ever made. However, the writers couldn’t figure out how to end it, so they copped-out and based the entire third act on a bullshit, unbelievable premise. It ended well, but the ending was baseless. All the hard work, nearly ruined.

Ranking:

3 bees

Final Encounter/For the Cause

Title: Final Encounter (Also known as: For the Cause)

Director: David Douglas, Tim Douglas

Writer: David Douglas, Christopher Salazar

Starring: Dean Cain, Justin Whalin, Jodi Bianca Wise

Year released: 2000

Their synopsis: “Two human colonies on a distant planet are locked in a brutal hundred-year war until a group of brave soldiers decides it’s time to end the fighting.”

My synopsis: Six people from one town cross some mountains to deliver some metallic object to some other town in the hope destroying it or something and ending some war.

Quick review: It was like a longer, more violent, and less cohesive version of a Dora the Explorer episode.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: The communication system of touching, or not touching, seemingly any point on the side of one’s head. Also, that the one-liners were supposed to be funny.

Pros: The special effects were well done. Nonsensical and pointless, but well done.

Cons: You know what always helps a film? Zero explanation of anything that’s happening.

Biggest movie cliché: Name any war movie cliché and this film has it.

Say a nice thing: I didn’t die watching it.

Say a mean thing: I want Dean Cain to fall off a horse and break his neck.

Unnecessary spoiler: Sadly, there’s a happy ending.

Most relatable current event: The unrelenting and unwinnable War on Terror.

Final review: I don’t want to call it interesting and engaging, those terms are too strong, but it was almost both of those. If you can make it past the first 20 minutes, it becomes a semi-watchable film.

Ranking:

2 bees

Killer Deal

Title: Killer Deal

Director: Clay Borris

Writer: Peter Hankoff, William Gray

Starring: Rick Rossovich, Claudette Mink, Ellen Dubin (Also, a foreign guy from Ace Ventura: Pet Detective.)

Year released: 1999

Their synopsis: “A detective attempts to expose a corrupt organ harvesting ring.”

My synopsis: Take Land of the Dead, and get rid of all the zombies. In place of the undead, mix in poor people and bad acting.

Quick review: First of all, “Rick Rossovich”? Hahaha. Secondly, the film didn’t make a lot of sense. I wanted to like it, but the movie ruined its interesting premise so easily.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Oh my god, so many. Why do the so-called desperately poor have so many clean cars in their neighborhood? Or such a cohesive police force? Or such a lively bar scene? Or a sustained highway system? Etc. Also, you can’t be run over by a train if the tracks are six feet off the ground, so don’t pretend it’s possible. Certainly don’t try to make the scene thrilling.

Smallest suspension of disbelief: The film literally begins with the words “The economic collapse of 2009 bankrupted every country in the world.” Pretty close.

Pros: Swimming pool fight scene. (More funny than intense.)

Cons: Worst. Death sequence. Ever.

Biggest movie cliché: Rich people scheming and the slow motion, stopping-on-a-freeze-frame ending. And don’t forget about the investigative journalist who breaks all the rules…including a few of his own.

Say a nice thing: I liked the debilitating handcuffy things.

Say a mean thing: The main character is a no-good, dirty ginger.

Unnecessary spoiler: This movie stinks.

Most relatable current event: Pick a country’s shitty economy.

Final review: Remember when you watched The Village and thought, “What the fuck is going on here? Why is what I’m watching, that should’ve been entertaining, so unspeakably godawful?” Same reaction to this.

Ranking:

1.5 bees

The Cyberstalking

Title: The Cyberstalking

Director: Brian Grant

Writer: Joe Gannon

Starring: the hot mom from Yes Dear, guy with bit part in 28 Days Later

Year released: 1999

Their synopsis: “A high-tech dance club that uses software to create a virtual fantasy world becomes a deadly place when one of its performers goes missing.”

My synopsis: In an odd mix of the future and 1996’s present, a virtual reality company that creates pop stars deals with the decline of one star, and the rise of another.

Quick review: Aces.

Pros: Well-developed secondary characters. Moral dilemmas. Subtext. An intriguing plot, built at an even, understandable pace, finally delivering with a (relatively) complete and satisfying ending.

Cons: God, ‘90s movies suck at predicting the future. I think they were too hung up on virtual reality. And what the hell was going on with all the “military technology” nonsense? That never really got explained.

Biggest movie cliché: Oh no! The guy Holly thought was good, turned out to be bad! And the guy she thought was trying to sabotage her? Well, he was really trying to help! Whaaa?!

Say a nice thing about JLK: Jean Louisa Kelly has superb teeth.

Say a mean thing about JLK: Elaine Benes dances better than Jean Louisa Kelly.

Most relatable current event: Lindsay Lohan’s inevitable, untimely death.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: In the future, people still tie their sweaters around their waists.

Final review: They took some time on this film, and it turned out really well. Sure, the movie didn’t know what year it was in, but somehow that worked. Call it a lucky break. It wasn’t as entertaining in a “B movie” sense as Invasion of the Pod People, but it was a well-constructed, interesting film. I will reward it thusly.

Ranking:

3.5 bees

The Apocalypse

Title: The Apocalypse

Director: Justin Jones

Writer: Carlos De Los Rios, David Michael Latt

Starring: Rhett Giles, Jill Stapley

Year released: 2007

Their synopsis: “A mother and father search for their only child as a giant asteroid headed for Earth triggers a series of apocalyptic events.”

My synopsis: Too many people blathering on about an imaginary sky monster, not enough shit blowing up.

Quick review (of the first 2.5 minutes): A minute and a half in, a guy gets hit in the chest with a meteor. Thirty seconds later, another guy gets decapitated. So far it’s awesome. Fifteen seconds later, the worst fake fall in cinema history leads to a guy being vaporized on a meteor. It’s just a rock. It doesn’t make any sense at all. Totally ruined the opening.

Pros: The 8-year-old girl was the best actor in the film. If she runs away from Faith Films and The Asylum as fast as she can, she’ll do alright.

Cons: Really shitty lighting in this movie.

Biggest movie cliché: Pretending heaven is real.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Everyone in this movie believes in god, but that’s ridiculous because we all know god doesn’t exist. It being a goddy film also explains why they got so much science wrong.

And another thing, I hate when people are supposed to be brushing their teeth in films/commercials/whatever, but aren’t doing anything except scraping a dry brush atop their molars. It’s almost as silly as believing in god.

Say a nice thing: At one point, a road that’s supposed to be a highway has a sign that says “Speed Limit 15” and that was really funny. I also laughed every time the main character accidentally slipped into his Australian accent.

Say a what-most-would-consider-mean thing: Even if there was a god, I wouldn’t worship it. Cause seriously, fuck god.

Favorite cameo: Shaley Scott made an appearance! She wasn’t nearly as entertaining.

Least favorite cameo: Erica Roby. Booooo.

Most relatable current event: This photo.

Final review: As much god nonsense as there was in this, which annoys me to no end, I’d rather watch this with a congregation of nosy born-agains than watch Monster one more time.

Ranking:

.5 bee

eXistenZ

Title: eXistenZ

Director: David Cronenberg

Writer: David Cronenberg

Starring: Jude Law, Jennifer Jason Leigh

Year released: 1999

Their synopsis: “A virtual reality game’s designer is violently attacked and real-life dangers begin to merge with fantasy.”

My synopsis: A game within a game? Or a game within a game within a game? Or a game within reality? A game within a game within reality within a game? Inception before Inception was cool.

Quick review: Miramax? David Cronenberg? Jude Law? Holy shit, am I about to watch a real film, here?

Pros: Jude Law!

Cons: Jude Law did not have total accent control in this movie. Also, I have an issue with the pods.

Biggest movie cliché: Something going wrong with virtual reality? Nooo…

Most relatable current event: Google Glass.

Say a nice thing: Jude motherfucking Law!

Say a mean thing: Most of the extras in this film are atrocious, and I hope their kids are born with an extra chromosome because of it.

Say a misrepresentative thing: Jude Law is really handsome. Oh my god, can you not look away from his eyes or is that just me? I bet it’d be fun plugging into his bio-port. Or he could plug into mine. I’m not really sure how it works. …Why am I getting so warm?

Best actor in the film: Hello! Jude Law, motherfucker!

Best cameo: Willem Dafoe! Elias lives!

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Seriously, the pods were ridiculous. Dumb dumb dumb. The idea of ‘the future’ in this movie dates it quite a bit.

Final review: Started off slow, but became a really interesting story and exploration of reality. Didn’t care for the ending, and the absurdly heavy-handed final line. I bet in 1999 this was a better film than it is in 2014.

Ranking:

3 bees

Invasion of the Pod People

Title: Invasion of the Pod People

Director: Justin Jones

Writer: Leigh Scott

Starring: Erica Roby, Jessica Bork

Year released: 2007

Their synopsis: “After a woman’s closest friends undergo extreme personality changes, she begins to suspect that they have been replaced by alien invaders.”

My synopsis: Various pretty girls star in film, tell their friends back in West Virginia they’ve ‘made it’ and are doing great in Hollywood. Six months later they’re all prostitutes.

Quick review: Invasion of the Body Snatchers it is not. The 1956 original is a classic, and still holds up. I really want to trash this crummy knockoff, but I can’t. It wasn’t that bad.

Pros: Tits. Cocaine. Lesbian aliens. Cursing. This movie has it all.

Cons: No story setup whatsoever, the garbage disposal scene was retarded, one of the worst screams in movie history, and Erica Roby can’t act.

Biggest movie cliché: Everyone’s suspicious, and knows something weird is going on. But guess what? Nobody does a goddamn thing, and now they’re trapped in a car with aliens.

Say a nice thing: Pretty solid dialogue, actually. I was surprised. And most of the people could act.

Say a mean thing: If Erica Roby was paralyzed in a drunk driving accident on the eve of her wedding, it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

Describe the film in one word: Cinemaxian

Walk a mean thing back: Erica Roby is probably a super nice lady, and if she got some lessons, I’m sure she’d be a super terrific actress!

Favorite quote: “Will you get that goddamn fan outta my face?! Jesus Christ! (brief pause) God, what the fuck are you doing?! Jesus!” Shaley Scott, in her brief, yet fun performance as Taylor, a foul-mouthed, megabitch model.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: You can’t strangle someone to death by squeezing their chin. Also, characters have to find things out, they can’t just know. That really fucks up a story.

Most relatable current event: That lesbian gym teacher who seduced her student. (That’s happened, right? I mean in real life?)

Final review: Clearly it was written by a guy (as far as I can tell, if a female became an alien, she also became a slutty lesbian) but at least the guy has an ear for the way people talk. That will always score points with me. The pacing of the story was a bit odd, and sometimes preferred to erratically jump when it should have easily strolled. Solid acting, too. It wasn’t a smart film, but it was often purposely amusing and enjoyable to watch.

Ranking:

3.5 bees

Convict 762

Title: Convict 762

Director: Luca Bercovici

Writer: J. Reifel

Starring: Shannon Sturges, Frank Zagarino, Billy Drago

Year released: 1997

Their synopsis: “A spaceship crew comes face to face with a methodical killer at a penal colony.”

My synopsis: In the future, an entirely female crew emergency lands on a prison planet, and discovers only two survivors. Now, they must figure out which one is the murderous former inmate, Convict 762, before they’re all dead.

Quick review: It was interesting, but ends up being entirely nonsensical. I had the ending right, basically, but I think they overthought the film. Because it was a science fiction film set in the distant future, they made things more convoluted than they needed to be.

Pros: Pretty intriguing plot. So-so dialogue. Cat fights. (Meow!)

Cons: Horrendous action/fight sequences, accompanied by equally horrendous music. Also, the promise of nudity was short-lived.

Biggest movie cliché: Leaving one person behind and coming back to discover that, shockingly, something bad has happened to that one person.

Say a nice thing: I was curious to see how the film ended. (Until it actually ended.)

Say a mean thing: I think Helen Keller was the film’s foley artist.

Vulgar, unnecessary spoiler: Haha, she fucked the psychopath. Stupid bitch.

Favorite quote: The guy says “I’m hungry.” immediately after they’re done having sex.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: The guns looked ridiculous, and there’s no way anyone with half a brain would be lured off the ship like they (all six of them!) were.

Final review: The one joke the filmmakers tried bombed horribly. Which is fine, sometimes a joke bombs, but they only tried one. I like a B film to be humorous and this one wasn’t. That being said, it was interesting and, for the most part, I liked how the film and its characters played out. Decently scripted and acted, but the film’s logic ate itself a bit.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Monster

Title: Monster

Director: Erik Estenberg

Writer: Erik Estenberg, David Michael Latt

Starring: Sarah Lieving, Erin Evans

Year released: 2008

Their synopsis: “Footage of a catastrophic event in Japan reveals that it wasn’t actually an earthquake…it was something else.”

My synopsis: They tried to do Cloverfield in Japan, and oh my god did they fail. Failed on the highest level.

Quick review: First of all, worst title ever. Secondly, I love monster movies. One of my absolute favorite genres, especially in the B-movie category. But I hated the holy shit outta this garbage.

Pros: Clearly they’re not pros. They’re amateurs. Rank amateurs.

Cons: It seems that to try and establish a sense of realism, Latt, Lynch, and Sullivan decided to either not use a script, or use a very skeletal script. That’s a risky choice, particularly when none of them has any discernible filmmaking talent. Painful.

Biggest movie cliché: America being blamed for shit, I guess. And Asians being depicted as though they’re from another planet.

Say a nice thing: I liked that they got hurt and later died. Too bad it didn’t actually happen.

Say a mean thing: I wish that instead of Japan, Sarah and Erin went to Aruba to make a movie and met Joran van der Sloot.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: I’d sooner believe Kraken lives in my asshole than half of the shit that goes on in this utter miscue of a film. There was zero quality control.

Most relatable current event: Whatever earthquake happened most recently.

Final review: I was just so disappointed with this mess of a film. I think they were trying, but that almost makes it worse. Overacting, underacting, bad acting. Mindless editing. Truly abysmal.

Ranking:

0 bees

Fuck this movie.

War of the Worlds 2: The Next Wave

Title: War of the Worlds 2: The Next Wave

Director: C. Thomas Howell

Writer: Eric Forsberg, David Michael Latt

Starring: C. Thomas Howell, Christopher Reid, Fred Griffith

Year released: 2008

Their synopsis: “When the aliens return to complete their plan of human domination, mankind unites in one last stand.”

My synopsis: Three years after a pretty enjoyable movie was made, some assholes decided to piss all over it.

Quick review: This movie would’ve benefitted from being a silent film, provided the actors knew what facial expressions were.

Pros: Space talk and synthetic moonshine.

Cons: Not sure they could’ve stolen more from Independence Day if they tried.

Biggest movie cliché: The wisecracking black sidekick, played ever so racistly bug-eyed by Christopher Reid. (“Kid” from from Kid ‘n Play. No, I’m not lying.)

Say a nice thing: I enjoyed the wormhole sequence.

Say a mean thing: I don’t know if Kim Little was doing some sort of accent, or if that was her actual voice, but either way I would like to scratch out her larynx with my fingernails.

How it relates to the original film: 1) A few plot points, especially regarding how the aliens were not prepared for human diseases. 2) In both movies you’re rooting for the children to die. 3) Questionable endings.

How it doesn’t relate to the original film: 1) The original film has worth.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: The movie seems to think Mars is in another galaxy, as opposed to our own solar system, relatively near Earth.

Most relatable current event: Curiosity, NASA’s Mars rover. (Yes, I know you forgot about it.)

Final review: Granted, it was a completely unnecessary movie to make, but if not for the maddeningly appalling performances given by Kim Little and Christopher Reid, I don’t think I would’ve hated it as much as I did. Had they camped it up a bit, it would’ve been a decent bad film.

Ranking:

2 bees

Research Note: Apparently, this is not a sequel to the Spielberg/Cruise version, but to another Asylum film called H.G. Wells’ War of the Worlds, which also probably sucks. (I should watch it sometime.)