The Haunting of Whaley House

Title: The Haunting of Whaley House

Director: Jose Prendes

Writer: Jose Prendes

Starring: Stephanie Greco, Alex Arleo, Arielle Brachfeld

Year released: 2012

Their synopsis: “When a tour guide breaks into America’s Most Haunted House, a bit of amateur ghost hunting with friends turns into more horror than they could have ever imagined.”

My synopsis: Thirty-year-olds, who think they’re cool, goth fifteen-year-olds, keep dying in a supposedly haunted house.

Quick review: With the exception of half a dozen scenes, this is a decent horror flick.

Pros: In the film, some guy says ghosts feed off of battery power. Obviously, I needed to know more, so I googled it. In doing so, I found this informative/unintentionally hilarious article that begins, “As I’ve mentioned before I am not a demonologist…”

Cons: Those racist ass ghosts invisibly lynched Ray! To be fair, he sort of deserved it after that awful and terribly acted, I’m-so-angry-I’m-going-to-curse-at-the-ghosts soliloquy.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Black ghost hunters? I don’t think so.

Least favorite quote: “Just because you don’t believe in ghosts, doesn’t mean they don’t believe in you.” That doesn’t make any sense, you stupid old cunt.

Say a nice thing: The majority of actresses in this movie did an excellent job.

Say a mean thing: Keith Drummond is very clearly a rapist.

Biggest movie cliché: Something goes wrong, and one retard tries to convince everybody else why it’s a bad idea to call the police.

Smallest suspension of disbelief: Penny looked at the black guys when she reminded everyone not to steal.

Most relatable current event: Whatever ghost hunting show just got renewed for its 19th season on SyFy. You think they’d have found something by now…

Final review: While it’s not a particularly original film, it executes the haunted house formula quite well. Small group of friends, there’s an incident, quality jump scares, infighting, somebody gets possessed, cops come, etc., etc. However, there’s nonsense abound, almost to the point where it overwhelms what the movie does right. (Not shocking for an Asylum production.) Unnecessarily exaggerated deaths, over-the-top acting, and irrelevant story additions, for example. Perhaps it depends on the mood you’re in, and/or how much you enjoy the horror genre, but despite its numerous flaws, I liked it. It did take me awhile to realize I was liking it, which I’m not sure qualifies as a ringing endorsement.

Ranking:

3 bees

AE: Apocalypse Earth

 Title: AE: Apocalypse Earth

Director: Thunder Levin

Writer: Thunder Levin

Starring: Adrian Paul, Bali Rodriguez, Richard Grieco, Gray Hawks

Year released: 2012

Their synopsis: “A group of refugees from Earth land on an exotic planet, where they must fight ruthless aliens to survive.”

My synopsis: Boy meets sexy alien. Boy loses sexy alien. Boy gets sexy alien.

Quick review: Sort of like Predators, only not nearly as cool.

Pros: Lea the alien is so crazily hot. TIM the robot is great.

Cons: Fading to black right as Lieutenant Frank and Lea were about to bone under a waterfall. Also, why’d Hannah have to die so early, and in such a moronic way?

Biggest movie cliché: The aliens are basically Earthlings.

Most relatable current event: A group of savages killing innocent people. I’m so fucking tired of the Muslim religion being treated with kid gloves. All religions are equally wrong, but right now, Islam is very clearly more dangerous. I don’t have the solution to the problem, but pretending all criticism of Islam is Islamophobia or bigotry is nonsense and it needs to stop.

Say a nice thing: Holy lord did Costa Rica look incredible.

Say a crass thing: I want to taste Lea’s space pussy.

Say a mean thing: That mouthy little midget’s throat should’ve been cut straight away.

Favorite quote: “Shoo.” TIM the robot attempting to scare away a giant lizard.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Breaking out into song whilst walking through an open area, knowing the creatures hunting them are drawn to sound. Not one person thought this was a bad idea?

Final review: AE: Apocalypse Earth is a generally compelling story, set in an interesting location, that keeps itself moving at a respectable pace, despite some inexplicable edits. There are a lot of useless characters, but thankfully they do their part and die off. Not in the most entertaining of ways, but they’re gone, so that’s good. That leaves Lieutenant Frank, TIM the robot, and Lea the alien (and a pilot, because I guess you need one), which is also good because those are pretty much the only characters you’ll give a shit about. Thumbs up to Thunder Levin.

Now that that’s out of the way, I’m just gonna talk about Lea the alien. She’s perfect. Unconscionably hot, with that sweet, foreign meekness and broken English. I want to marry her.

Ranking:

3 bees

Bikini Spring Break

Title: Bikini Spring Break

Director: Jared Cohn

Writer: Jared Cohn, Naomi L. Selfman

Starring: five girls, the guy from Revenge of the Nerds

Year released: 2012

Their synopsis: “A group of coeds from a small conservative college break out of their shells when their marching band bus breaks down in Ft. Lauderdale during Spring Break.”

My synopsis: Wacky spring break antics.

Quick review: An example of when not giving a fuck can be a fun thing for a movie.

Pros: Boobs. I swear to god, five seconds into the movie. A “Start to Tits” time that is virtually unsurpassable. Jared Cohn is a master at this. (Editing naked women into a film early, in the desperate attempt to get people like me to keep watching. Not actual filmmaking. He’s certainly not a master at that.)

Cons: All of the spring break parties look boring as shit.

Biggest movie cliché: Wacky spring break antics.

Favorite quotes: “Let’s go, retards.” and “Queef you later!” They don’t really need context.

Say a nice thing: Gotta admire a coach who’s willing to walk into the locker room unannounced.

Say a mean thing: Franny looks like Selena Gomez’s jealous, coke-addicted, older (much older) sister.

MFK: Marry Zoe. Fuck Michelle. Kill…Whitney, maybe? None of them are particularly murderable.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: What marching band do you know has zero fat ugly dykes?

Final review: Joke-wise, the movie didn’t bat very well. When you take that many swings, you’re bound to miss. A lot. I did laugh a couple of times though, which is a couple more times than I would have expected. The lesson The Asylum should learn from this movie is, when you don’t give a shit about making a quality film, make it a silly comedy. That way, all of the many, many mistakes and terrible editing won’t distract the viewer. “I can’t be mad, it’s obvious they don’t care!” Oh, and show a lot of attractive women, wearing little to no clothing. Always helps.

Ranking:

3 bees

Sharknado 2: The Second One

Title: Sharknado 2: The Second One

Director: Anthony C. Ferrante

Writer: Thunder Levin

Starring: Ian Ziering, Vivica A. Fox, Mark McGrath, Tara Reid

Year released: 2014

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): “When the sequel comes out later this year, I look forward to seeing if anyone gives two fucks.” I wrote that referring to Sharknado 2, in my review of the first Sharknado, and it seems that people indeed gave some fucks. (Albeit temporarily. Again.) Based on what I’ve heard and read, I can’t decide whether Sharknado 2: The Second One will be genuinely awesome, or meta-joke hell.

Their synopsis: “It came, it saw, it tore s#@t up!”

My synopsis: Multiple sharknados converge upon a Seinfeldian Manhattan (meaning there are too many white people) threatening to destroy the metropolis.

Quick review: Not even one iota of a good goddamn was given in the creation and production of this movie, and I generally mean that in a good way.

Pros: Tara Reid’s saw hand. Other things as amusingly silly.

Cons: The Sharknado song stinks. Product placement out the asshole.

Best cameo: Robert Kline, the mayor, was talking to Kurt Angle, the…fireman? Cop? Also, Robert Hays from Airplane! was the pilot in the (surprisingly not terrible) opening sequence.

Worst cameo: Downtown Julie Brown looks like a Pachycephalosaurus wearing a wig.

Say a sassy thing: The sharks aren’t the only ones flaming in New York, girl! *Finger snap!*

Say a mean thing: I wish every dumb cunt that rode their bike on the sidewalk in NYC got squashed by a whale shark.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: How does a jew write about New York City so poorly?

Final review: Going in, I thought Sharknado 2 was going to be terrible or great. I’m somewhat disappointed that it’s neither of those, but it was indeed good. Nonsensical, self-aware, wacky, and good. There was some relative star power for an Asylum movie, and most of the celebrity cameos were well done. The ending is literally too stupid to be described, so I won’t even try. It must be seen to be…believed, I guess.

I read that at nearly four million viewers, this movie broke a few Syfy ratings records, which can only mean one thing… Get ready for Sharknado 3.

Ranking:

3 bees

Mega Shark vs Mecha Shark

Title: Mega Shark vs Mecha Shark

Director: Emile Edwin Smith

Writer: H. Perry Horton, Jose Prendes

Starring: Christopher Judge, Elisabeth Rohm

Year released: 2014

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): The first Asylum trilogy? If anyone can handle the pressure, it’s Mega Shark.

Their synopsis: “When a new Mega Shark threatens mankind, the government unleashes the top-secret Mecha Shark to defeat the monster in a pitched battle.”

My synopsis: Mega Shark is angry and wants to fuck. The navy, various robot sharks, and an interracial couple try to kill him before everyone in Australia dies.

Quick review: An improvement over the second, but doesn’t best the original.

Pros: The global scope. Mega Shark making Rosie feel bad about herself by indirectly making her responsible for all those deaths. Deborah Gibson’s welcome return.

Cons: “I will speak LOUD-LY and O-VER e-NUN-CI-ATE E-VER-Y-THING I SAY in-STEAD of AC-TING!”

Biggest movie cliché: A child in peril at the worst possible time. Oh, and the kid resembles the main characters’ child who died of cancer, so they just have to save her!

Say a nice thing: I was so happy when Mega Shark knocked the head off the Sphinx. Hilarious and awesome. Also, I’m pretty sure the motorcycle jump was supposed to be humorous.

Say a mean thing: Is there something wrong with Christopher Judge’s head? It’s creepy. It looks like a giant boulder.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Mecha Shark being able to cap an oil spill (Why was that scene even in the movie?) and leap as high as Mega Shark.

Most relatable current event: Donald Sterling would be annoyed with the level of public affection between the white lady and black guy.

Final review: Despite everyone going through bouts of bad acting, a few narrative lapses, and Elisabeth Rohm resembling an ex, I very much enjoyed the third installment of the Mega Shark series. The goofy, impossible sight gags were back, as was Debbie Gibson playing Dr. Emma MacNeil. It was expansive, yet cohesive, and quite entertaining.

Ranking:

3 bees

American Warships

Title: American Warships (It was American Battleship, until they got sued.)

Director: Thunder Levin

Writer: Thunder Levin

Starring: Mario Van Peebles, Johanna Watts, Nikki McCauley, Carl Weathers

Year released: 2012

Their synopsis: The Netflix synopsis is kind of cunty, and I don’t care for it at all. We’re just going with mine. Please see below.

My synopsis: Aliens with a surprisingly in-depth knowledge of international politics try to start World War III. The USS Iowa, set to be decommissioned, is our planet’s only hope.

Quick review: The Asylum doesn’t have $100 million to spend on special effects for a Navy versus aliens film, so they had to write a way around it. They did a fine job.

Pros: Mario Van Peebles is excellent, but overall the acting is hit or miss. I was impressed by the plot development, and expected the aliens to be stupider in appearance than they were.

Cons: I call bullshit on that VCR sighting, and the alien warship looks like an enemy tank from Spectre. Also, they should’ve had Carl Weathers doing something more than pushing pencils.

Biggest movie cliché: Unnecessary love story.

Favorite quote: After a brief pause and zoom, Mario Van Peebles’ character says, “They’re not gonna sink my battleship.” The fact that he makes this line somehow not completely ridiculous is a testament to his acting ability.

Say a nice thing: Considering Battleship’s budget was hundreds of times larger than American Warships’, I’m going to call American Warships a better movie.

Say an anti-Semitic thing: Hebes are so uninteresting they can’t even sound cool when their first name is “Thunder.”

Biggest suspension of disbelief: For a more believable scene, have the Korean pilots speaking Korean; the subtitles were there anyway. You did it for the Chinese pilots, for fuck sake.

Most relatable current event: Whatever papier-mache missile North Korea most recently shot 74 yards into the Sea of Japan.

Final review: The dialogue wasn’t great, but the plot was very cleverly written. It’s almost as if someone took a little time and thought it out. Even researched, perhaps. This is a rare occurrence amongst Asylum films, whose MO tends to be, “Just make it a fucking dragon! I don’t care! Hurry up!” Don’t get me wrong, there’s a decent amount of eye-rolling to be had, but fish also swim in the sea, you jackass. What’d you expect?

Ranking:

3 bees

Journey to the Center of the Earth

Title: Journey to the Center of the Earth

Director: Scott Wheeler, Davey Jones

Writer: Scott Wheeler, Davey Jones, Scott Bevilacqua

Starring: Jennifer (Renee) Dorogi, Greg Evigan, Dedee Pfeiffer

Year released: 2008

Their synopsis: “A research team becomes lost within the Earth and must escape the beautiful -and potentially deadly- world before them.”

My synopsis: For unexplained reasons, a group of female soldiers is being teleported to Germany. They get stuck 600 kilometers underground, and a laser-digging ship called the “Deep Digger” is sent to rescue them. (I’m serious, that’s the plot.)

Quick review: Another Jules Verne adaptation from The Asylum. While the story may stray further from the source material than the other film, it was still engaging and well done.

Pros: Pretty gals in tank tops. Dinosaurs.

Cons: The sound mixing is horrible. One second it’s way too loud, the next you can’t hear the dialogue.

Biggest movie cliché: Guess what dinosaur meat tastes like? … Yep. Chicken. Also, the ex-husband and wife got back together at the end of the movie.

Say a nice thing: The spiders exploding out of the stomach of that girl at the end was a nice touch.

Say a piggish thing: There’s not a slit in this film I wouldn’t dump my cum into.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Somehow, no one at Asylum managed to squeeze a dragon into this movie. That’s pretty unbelievable. They did, however, put in their second favorite mythical creature: a giant spider.

Final review: Pretty enjoyable film if you don’t stop and ask yourself too many questions. “Wait, how’d they fix the ship?” “Wait, how’d she get away? That plot point wasn’t resolved.” This is the B movie world. Things happen, and the story moves on. Sometimes it’s infuriating and nonsensical, sometimes it works. Journey to the Center of the Earth made it work.

Ranking:

3 bees

30,000 Leagues Under the Sea

Title: 30,000 Leagues Under the Sea

Director: Gabriel Bologna (Hahaha!)

Writer: Eric Forsberg

Starring: Lorenzo Lamas, Natalie Stone, Sean Lawlor, Kim Little

Year released: 2007

Their synopsis: “When a submarine mysteriously disappears in the depths of the ocean, a rescue crew comes face to face with Captain Nemo, Jules Verne’s famous villain of the underworld…”

My synopsis: A bunch of nerds attempt to save some loser submarine; pass up the opportunity to live on an underwater BangBoat and resurrect Atlantis.

Quick review: I’m not entirely sure why, but I liked this film. Maybe I’ve been watching too many really shitty movies lately, and it’s just not quite as shitty as those.

Pros: Beer? Submarine dance clubs? Thirsty tattooed chicks? The Nautilus seems like paradise. Not sure why everyone was in such a hurry to leave.

Cons: Wikipedia told me Kerry Washington was in this movie. Wikipedia is a goddamn liar.

Cut a wrestling promo: “I am the Oxygenator! I’m gonna leave you colorless and breathless, brother! I’m gonna beat you eight ways from Sunday! Your atomic number is up! You’re going down, O yeah!”

Say a nice thing: There’s something about Natalie Stone I really like. She and I should get married.

Say a mean thing: Fuck yeah! Ten thousand leagues deeper than that faggy Jules Verne! Fuck you, you pussy!

Biggest suspension of disbelief: They were pretty flexible with the idea of atmospheric pressure in this film. Also, missiles appear to be merely a nuisance rather than powerful exploding bombs.

Most relatable current event: This nerdlinger.

Final review: I can’t tell whether the last 30 minutes is poorly written, poorly edited, or both. Either way, it didn’t make a whole lot of sense. The rest of it was pretty enjoyable though. Submarine captains shouting orders, a crazy scientist who wants to blow up the world and live underwater, Lorenzo Lamas just chillin’ it in a bubble. Fun stuff. Wish I was there.

Ranking:

3 bees

The Day the Earth Stopped

Title: The Day the Earth Stopped

Director: C. Thomas Howell

Writer: Carey Van Dyke, Shane Van Dyke, Darren Dalton

Starring: C. Thomas Howell, Sinead McCafferty, Darren Dalton

Year released: 2008

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): The Asylum done good on its remake of at least one 50’s sci-fi masterpiece, let’s see how they do with this one.

Their synopsis: “Hundreds of intergalactic robots appear in the world’s major cities with an ultimatum: prove the value of human civilization or be destroyed.”

My synopsis: An average Joe must lead a super hot alien around Los Angeles, trying to show her the value of human life, while simultaneously pretending he doesn’t want to fuck her stupid.

Quick review: Sporadically true to The Day the Earth Stood Still theme-wise and plot-wise, albeit with less talk of Communists.

Pros: Less than three minutes in, and Sinead McCafferty (‘Sky’ the alien) is already naked. Later, she runs in white pajamas. Oh, and the story was pretty good, too.

Cons: The aliens’ home planet is for shit. Waterfalls, flowers, and clouds? Who cares? Where’s the fuckin’ skee-ball? Also, I missed Gort. What a great/shitty robot Gort was.

Biggest movie cliché: Childbirth being much less difficult than in reality.

Say a nice thing: The baby was cute, but it was at least six months old. Nobody trusts The Asylum with an actual newborn?

Say a mean thing: I saw the wireless mic when I was looking at your ass, you bimbo.

Say a creepy thing: If Sky would’ve read my mind, she would not have hesitated in blowing up the Earth.

Best cameo: Judd Nelson (of all people).

Favorite quote: “Prove that human life has value? How the hell we supposed to do that? Take her to see the goddamn Lion King?” It’s a funny quote, but wouldn’t that only prove lions, not humans, have value?

Biggest suspension of disbelief: She’s the hottest alien since Leeloo “Multipass” Dallas, yet the closest this film gets to acknowledging C. Thomas Howell wants to fuck her is when she reads his mind and says “Who’s Angelina Jolie?” Every four seconds Sky should’ve said, “I get it! You want to eat my ass! Could you please just show me humans are worth a damn so I don’t have to blow up your planet?!”

Most relatable current event: Katy Perry talking about aliens, I suppose.

Final review: I could’ve done without the final montage, explaining the duality of human nature via the events of the film. I was paying attention. There’s no need to remind me of something that happened five minutes ago. It was well-written (minus the speech at the end) and mostly well-acted. Nothing particularly special about the movie, but it was enjoyable. Score another one for C. Thomas Howell.

Ranking:

3 bees

Blackbeard

Title: Blackbeard

Director: Kevin Connor

Writer: Bryce Zabel

Starring: Mark Umbers, Angus Macfadyen, Jessica Chastain (Seriously!)

Year released: 2006

Their synopsis: “The epic true story of the pirate who terrorized the seas and became a legend.”

My synopsis: Blackbeard kidnaps a British naval officer who’s in love with Jessica Chastain; is a dick.

Quick review: It’s pretty good, but jesus, Scorsese, no need to make it so damn long.

Pros: Jessica Chastain. Jessica Chastain shooting guns.

Cons: Blackbeard’s beard looked like a collection of shoelaces.

Biggest movie cliché: It’s a pirate movie. Plank walking, treasure maps, damsel in distress, etc.

Say a nice thing: Old ass pistols look cool.

Say a mean thing: Blackbeard’s real name is “Edward Teach.” Haha, what a pussy.

Most relatable current event: Captain Phillips.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: A bunch of British people hangin’ out in the sun all day, yet so little sunburn. I call bullshit. Also, I’m quite sure I saw an extra carrying a Gucci bag.

Final review: The Braveheart guy makes for a badass pirate. Mark Umbers, whoever the hell that is, makes for a quality Royal Navy lieutenant. And Jessica Chastain is sexy and talented. It was well scripted, acted, and produced. I can’t really bash it, which makes me unhappy. Hallmark is batting .500 right now.

Ranking:

3 bees