Bikini Spring Break

Title: Bikini Spring Break

Director: Jared Cohn

Writer: Jared Cohn, Naomi L. Selfman

Starring: five girls, the guy from Revenge of the Nerds

Year released: 2012

Their synopsis: “A group of coeds from a small conservative college break out of their shells when their marching band bus breaks down in Ft. Lauderdale during Spring Break.”

My synopsis: Wacky spring break antics.

Quick review: An example of when not giving a fuck can be a fun thing for a movie.

Pros: Boobs. I swear to god, five seconds into the movie. A “Start to Tits” time that is virtually unsurpassable. Jared Cohn is a master at this. (Editing naked women into a film early, in the desperate attempt to get people like me to keep watching. Not actual filmmaking. He’s certainly not a master at that.)

Cons: All of the spring break parties look boring as shit.

Biggest movie cliché: Wacky spring break antics.

Favorite quotes: “Let’s go, retards.” and “Queef you later!” They don’t really need context.

Say a nice thing: Gotta admire a coach who’s willing to walk into the locker room unannounced.

Say a mean thing: Franny looks like Selena Gomez’s jealous, coke-addicted, older (much older) sister.

MFK: Marry Zoe. Fuck Michelle. Kill…Whitney, maybe? None of them are particularly murderable.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: What marching band do you know has zero fat ugly dykes?

Final review: Joke-wise, the movie didn’t bat very well. When you take that many swings, you’re bound to miss. A lot. I did laugh a couple of times though, which is a couple more times than I would have expected. The lesson The Asylum should learn from this movie is, when you don’t give a shit about making a quality film, make it a silly comedy. That way, all of the many, many mistakes and terrible editing won’t distract the viewer. “I can’t be mad, it’s obvious they don’t care!” Oh, and show a lot of attractive women, wearing little to no clothing. Always helps.

Ranking:

3 bees