Sharktopus vs Whalewolf

Title: Sharktopus vs Whalewolf

Director: Kevin O’Neill

Writer: Matt Yamashita (No credit given on IMDB. Matt’s embarrassed.)

Starring: Casper Van Dien, Akari Endo, Jorge Eduardo De Los Santos

Year released: 2015

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Was supposed to be Sharktopus vs Mermantula, though I believe that still may be coming. Unfortunately.

Their synopsis: This movie is nowhere to be found on Syfy’s website. No writer credit, and no trace of a web page. All of this tells me that Sharktopus vs Whalewolf will be a clusterfuck. Not that I didn’t have that feeling already…

My synopsis: Sharktopus vs Pteracuda…the comedy!

Quick review: Worse than cancer.

Pros: Marginally better acting compared to previous Sharktopus entries.

Cons: Fuck everyone’s irritating, cacophonous, unfunny accents. Especially Dr. Reinhardt’s.

Biggest movie cliché: A sequel that repeats the previous story in a prettier location.

Favorite quote: “You should kiss her.” Pablo, talking to Ray, about an unconscious woman. Pablo is a sexual predator.

Say a nice thing about Dominicans: Dominican women are very sexy…

Say a mean thing about Dominicans: …which is why men put up with their loud mouths, fast talking, hand gestures, and overall obnoxious, insane personalities.

Say another mean thing: I hope Catherine Oxenberg gets her throat slit during a violent raping.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Roger Corman has no idea this exists.

Most relatable current event: Sean Penn and El Chapo meeting to discuss film is less aggravating than Kevin O’Neill and Matt Yamashita doing the same.

Final review: In some ways, this Sharktopus movie is worse than its predecessors. Which is an unreal sentence to have written. The reason? Sharktopus vs Whalewolf thinks it’s hilarious. The opposite is true, however. Everything that’s supposed to elicit a laugh falls flat. At best. At its worst, it induces rage and fury. (Go ahead and guess which happens more often.) I’m hard-pressed to think of a worse series of films than those involving the Sharktopus monster. To call it a franchise would be an insult to franchises. Only the multiple-headed shark films come close. Jeff Marsten is a cunt.

Ranking:

1 bee

Barely Legal

Title: Barely Legal

Director: Jose Montesinos

Writer: Naomi L. Selfman

Starring: Jeneta St. Clair, Melissa Johnston, Lisa Younger

Year released: 2011

Their synopsis: “Sue, Cheryl, and Lexi–all freshman in college–have been friends forever…Every year, they do something special to celebrate their birthday, and this year, on their eighteenth, they’re determined to lose their virginity.”

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening, post-synopsis): They’re “all freshman in college.” I think this gives you some idea of the level of intelligent filmmaking we’re going to be witnessing.

My synopsis: A whore, a prude, and a retarded Anna Faris throw a pool party in an attempt to lose their virginity. Had they simply had sex with each other, they could have made a much better film, and saved money on decorations.

Quick review: Not terrible. Fairly sexy.

Pros: Making fun of the visually-impaired. Goes by quickly.

Cons: There’s no way this movie took more than 37 hours to film.

Biggest movie cliché: Some type of teenage sex pact.

Favorite quote: “I’m blind, you fucking asshole.”

Say a nice thing: Lexi’s a goddamn champion.

Say a mean thing: Chris is very clearly a fag.

Say a creepy thing: ‘Barely legal’ isn’t even 18 in the best states.

Vulgar, unnecessary spoiler: A dog ate the shit outta some girl’s pussy.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: That the main characters are anywhere close to 17. Their daughters are already 20.

Final review: There’s no way the party Sue, Lexi, and Cheryl (When’s the last time you met an 18-year-old named Cheryl?) threw wasn’t the worst party ever. Barely Legal is a much better movie than that was a party. It’s an Asylum sex comedy that didn’t decide it needed an intricate plot line. Always a good move. One-dimensional characters finding themselves in awkward sexual situations. Comedy gold! Or not gold, exactly. Comedy pyrite. Sort of unfair to say the characters didn’t experience any personal growth, either. One realized she was dating the wrong kind of guy, one realized she is bisexual, and one became a chronic masturbator. Lessons abound.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

 

#1 Cheerleader Camp

Title: #1 Cheerleader Camp

Director: Mark Quod

Writer: Naomi L. Selfman

Starring: Seth Cassell, Jay Gillespie, Erica Duke

Year released: 2010

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): The “Unrated Upskirt Version.” Really the only version, if you ask me.

Their synopsis: “A pair of horny college guys get summer jobs at a sexy cheerleader camp.”

My synopsis: Aren’t all cheerleader camps, “sexy” cheerleader camps?

Quick review: Not funny, occasionally loathsome. Only mildly arousing.

Pros: The movie opens with respectable, progressive, topless large-breasted women bouncing on a trampoline to protest white male paternalism. (I assume.)

Cons: There isn’t one believable aspect of this film. Why complicate yoga shorts and dick jokes with such a retarded plot?

Biggest movie cliché: The awkward, insecure girl that everyone made fun of was actually a great cheerleader?! Now I’ve heard everything!!

Least favorite quote: “I got it at the stripper store.” That’s especially careless writing.

Say a nice thing: I’ve heard of tone-deaf, but after looking at all those hard bodies, I’m going tone-blind!

Say a mean thing: I would only pay Charlene Tilton to appear at her own funeral.

Say a thing: That gay guy is the most passive rapist I’ve ever seen.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Not sure why all these 30-year-olds are at a cheerleading camp.

Most relatable current event: Every single real/faux Star Wars fanboy cheerleading the latest trailer. Everyone wants this movie to be good so goddamn badly, but I’m still not sure. I still remember the disappointment of Super 8.

Final review: First things first. Who the fuck is Charlene Tilton and why am I supposed to give a shit? Because I don’t. She’s an irrelevant person who is an irrelevant addition to an irrelevant movie already riddled with irrelevant plot add-ons. Instead of recreating trite premises such as the scheming rival cheerleader (Named Britt, obviously.) why not lend some of the writing to explain something pertinent, like how the fuck old these people are supposed to be? This film was made by people who haven’t even a cursory knowledge of cheerleading. “Cheerleaders are hot, right? But what else do they do?” “I bet they run constantly, and would be friends with strippers!” The movie’s worst sin, however, is that it thinks it’s cool. It’s not edgy, it’s predictable and monotonous.

Ranking:

2 bees

Celebrity Sex Tape

Title: Celebrity Sex Tape

Director: Scott Wheeler

Writer: Jonathan Haug, Patrick Sheehan, Matt Short

Starring: Jack Cullison, Jonathan Brett, Julie Barzman

Year released: 2012

Their synopsis: “A group of college nerds secretly record a washed up celebrity having sex and post the tape on the internet. When the publicity revives the actress’s career, every B-list celebrity, reality show reject, and celebutante in Hollywood want to star in the guys next ‘production.’”

My synopsis: For five college kids, almost date rape leads to a lucrative pornography career.

Quick review: Stupid, but not nearly as terrible as I thought it’d be.

Pros: Acknowledging the latent homosexuality of frat bros. Also, the character Marcus (for most of the movie), including when he got punched in the face for the second time. That made me laugh.

Cons: Why are so many of these people having sex with their clothes on? And can someone explain to me why you’d want to get the taste of female ejaculate out of your mouth?

Biggest movie cliché: Every racist thing about the Asian guy.

Favorite quote: “Classic mudshark.” I’ve never before heard this insult. Take it away, Urban Dictionary.

Say a mean thing: That obese fuck’s fat-calloused heart would stop if he abused ED drugs in such a manner.

Say another mean thing: Hey, jesus freak, your man’s not around because you’d rather read a book about Bronze Age barbarism than sit on his face.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: The horny college nerds being grossed out when that crazy lady squirted. It was more disgusting when she referred to her vagina as “mashed potatoes and gravy.”

Smallest suspension of disbelief: Nobody wanted to fuck Moby Dick. (Cause she’s a big fat white whale. Get it?)

Final review: Low-level actresses agree to make sex tapes in an effort to re-energize their stalled careers. No, that could never happen… Celebrity Sex Tape is another Asylum comedy I thought for sure was going to be horseshit, but ended up not being so bad. Easily the most annoying thing about the movie was the sound effects. I’m not sure the foley artist for this film has ever had sex, or even read about it. I’m also just now realizing that the movie is making me have a crisis of conscience. How fucked up is it that the premise of this film is even close to believable? I mean, look at how many women were willing to be naked in this shitty Asylum film. It’s really just one step away. I’m a creep, so I’m kind of into it, but I’m also a human person who thinks the fascination with celebrity culture is destroying civilization. Maybe I just need to watch something with dragons in it to level off…

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Abraham Lincoln vs Zombies

Title: Abraham Lincoln vs Zombies

Director: Richard Schenkman

Writer: Karl T. Hirsch, Lauren Proctor, Richard Schenkman

Starring: Bill Oberst Jr.

Year released: 2012

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Pretty badass poster.

Their synopsis: “While the Civil War rages on, President Abraham Lincoln must undertake an even more daunting task: Destroying the Confederate Undead.”

My synopsis: America’s 16th president somberly kills zombies at Fort Pulaski with John Wilkes Booth, Stonewall Jackson, and Theodore Roosevelt. (No, I’m not lying.)

Quick review: It’s boring and dumb.

Pros: Lincoln dodging bullets like a slow ass Neo.

Cons: Terrible phony facial hair. Bullshit historical elbow nudges. And I’m not sure why the gorgeous Annika (Anna Fricks) had to die so soon after her introduction.

Smallest suspension of disbelief: How fast that black guy ran to save the white girl. (Double racist!)

Say a nice thing: William Oberst Jr. did not a bad Lincoln make.

Say a mean thing: I’d rather the return of human enslavement than to watch this film again.

Biggest movie cliché: Really?! This movie needed a love story? Are you fucking kidding me?!

Most relatable current event: Stuart Scott’s now lifeless corpse is as cool as the other side of the pillow. (One of many jokes I can’t tell my friends right now because they’d judge me. [Though my brother is game.] Another thing, why is everyone acting like Nelson Mandela just died? Stuart Scott said “Booyah!” for a living. A little perspective, please.)

Final review: I think they’re making the occasional joke, but I suppose it could also be interpreted as regular, awful dialogue. Sure, you had a few “Emancipate this!” lines, but it should’ve been the entire film. Wasn’t this the problem with Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter as well? A ridiculous premise taken far too seriously? Why make a guy dress up like Abe Lincoln and fight 19th-century zombies if you’re going to have a stick up your ass about it? Lincoln’s solemn verboseness would have been hilarious contrasted with more silliness and/or wacky sight gags. Instead, it just seems normal.

Ranking:

2 bees

The Coed and the Zombie Stoner

Title: The Coed and the Zombie Stoner

Director: Glenn Miller

Writer: Scotty Mullen

Starring: Catherine Annette, Grant O’Connell

Year released: 2014

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): This is the last full-length film Glenn Miller directed before he did my last review, the cutesy, family-friendly Santa Claws. Let’s see how the two compare.

Their synopsis: “When a nerdy sorority girl falls in love with a zombie, it’s only a matter of time before a zombie apocalypse is unleashed on campus…”

My synopsis: A collegiate zombie outbreak occurs amidst the comedic equivalent of The Blitz.

Quick review: Remarkably unfunny. I laughed once, when Selena Gomez’s gross older sister did a retard voice. Retard voice is comedy gold.

Pros: Getting blown at a foam party. Nudity.

Cons: Every single sound, and most of the visuals.

Biggest movie cliché: The mistaken belief that a girl using a lot of profanity is automatically hilarious.

Say a nice thing: I hope the person Scotty Mullen loves most commits suicide in front of him.

Say a mean thing: I sincerely hope Scotty Mullen’s only daughter falls into an alcoholic depression and dies of gastrointestinal bleeding.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Yeah, because women hate French guys…

Most relatable current event: People in Colorado apparently need help getting high.

Final review: “Hey! Look over here! It’s funny! What’s going on over here is really funny! And did you hear that wacky sound effect?! Hahaha! Classic, right?!” This is the entire film. Trying too hard to be funny is arguably the least funny thing one can do. You ever meet somebody at a party like this, and immediately come up with an excuse to walk away? Imagine that instead of walking away, you handcuffed yourself to that person for 90 minutes. Jesus fucking christ… Making a shitty zombie comedy that involves college, nudity, and weed can’t be terribly difficult, yet this movie is excruciatingly bad.

Ranking:

1 bee

Bachelor Night

Title: Bachelor Night

Director: Maximilian Elfeldt, Jeff Newman

Writer: Maximilian Elfeldt, Brian Misakian, Jeff Newman

Starring: Andrew Bongiorno, Heather Paige Cohn, Skyler Yeast (terrible name)

Year released: 2014

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): For personal reasons, I need to watch another one of these. (Because I’m trying to not watch porn right now and I’m going insane.)

Their synopsis: “When a bachelor party and a bachelorette party cross paths in Vegas, only the best man and the maid of honor can save their friends from a night of epic ‘mistakes.’”

My synopsis: Imagine if The Hangover and Bridesmaids had an illegitimate, deformed child, and then abandoned that ugly retarded fuck on Balzar Avenue at 3am. (Too much?)

Quick review: So close.

Pros: Minus the latent homosexuality, I identified very much with the character/creepiness of Frank.

Cons: Maybe the worst Vegas suites in cinema history.

Biggest movie cliché: Uh oh! That bachelor and/or bachelorette party didn’t go quite as planned, huh?!

Favorite quote: “That’s what she said!” That never gets old…

Say a nice thing: Amanda is such a good girl.

Say a crass thing: For as much money as they gave Providence (the stripper), she should have sucked their dicks until she got pregnant.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: I’m not entirely sure pretending to be a flaming homosexual so that hot girls will want to fuck you straight is a sound strategy. But if it is, please sign me up.

Most relatable current event: A friend of mine is coming into town for the holidays, so we’ll probably go to a strip club this weekend. Not that I need to or anything…

Final review: The movie isn’t bad per se, but it doesn’t do enough to where I’d consider it good. The acting is decent, I laughed a couple of times, and it can be pretty sexy. However, the story is beyond trite, and I never really cared about the characters or the ending, because it’s painfully obvious where this film is going. It’s as close as you can get to good, without actually getting there. And there’s boobs. So watch it for that, I guess.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Alpha House

Title: Alpha House

Director: Jacob Cooney

Writer: Jacob Cooney, Brandon Trenz

Starring: Julien Bensimhon, Heather Paige Cohn, Chris O’Brien, Jean Louise O’Sullivan

Year released: 2014

Their synopsis: “When the biggest frat house on campus is forced by the assistant dean to share their house with a sorority or face ejection from school, the boys wage an epic battle of the sexes to fight for their right to party.”

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening, post-synopsis): Fucking seriously? “…the boys wage an epic battle of the sexes to fight for their right to party”? That’s the worst goddamn thing I’ve ever read.

My synopsis: College kids hate it when a bevy of gorgeous coeds move into their house. Are the dumbest college kids imaginable.

Quick review: I laughed a few times, and was aroused for most of the film.

Pros: Melvin Gregg being dirty, and all of the frat house posters are from other Asylum movies.

Cons: Worst. Catchphrase. Ever.

Biggest movie cliché: An uptight, untrustworthy college dean who eventually gets his comeuppance. (Spoiler alert: His comeuppance is being pegged by a chick wearing a squirrel costume, and then fired.)

Say a mean thing: Kelly Kramer is a kunt.

Say a creepy thing: I’m sorry, ladies, I’m not sure where all your dirty underwear went. But it certainly wasn’t in my mouth.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: The basic premise of the film is that a bunch of drunk, horny frat bros are upset that super hot sorority girls are sharing the same house with them.

Most relatable current event: Rape accusations are all the rage right now.

Final review: Okay, so I’m a college freshman living in a large house with six of my buddies and a dozen beautiful women. Women who enjoy cleaning up and walking around in crop tops and boy shorts, and who are generally pretty slutty. Does it make any kind of fucking sense that I’m angry with this scenario? No, it fucking doesn’t. What a horseshit idea for a film. It’s ludicrous and illogical on all counts. Just write a different premise and the movie is that much better. All you want to do is make dirty jokes and show naked women anyway. It can’t be that hard. …Hard. Haha.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Bikini Spring Break

Title: Bikini Spring Break

Director: Jared Cohn

Writer: Jared Cohn, Naomi L. Selfman

Starring: five girls, the guy from Revenge of the Nerds

Year released: 2012

Their synopsis: “A group of coeds from a small conservative college break out of their shells when their marching band bus breaks down in Ft. Lauderdale during Spring Break.”

My synopsis: Wacky spring break antics.

Quick review: An example of when not giving a fuck can be a fun thing for a movie.

Pros: Boobs. I swear to god, five seconds into the movie. A “Start to Tits” time that is virtually unsurpassable. Jared Cohn is a master at this. (Editing naked women into a film early, in the desperate attempt to get people like me to keep watching. Not actual filmmaking. He’s certainly not a master at that.)

Cons: All of the spring break parties look boring as shit.

Biggest movie cliché: Wacky spring break antics.

Favorite quotes: “Let’s go, retards.” and “Queef you later!” They don’t really need context.

Say a nice thing: Gotta admire a coach who’s willing to walk into the locker room unannounced.

Say a mean thing: Franny looks like Selena Gomez’s jealous, coke-addicted, older (much older) sister.

MFK: Marry Zoe. Fuck Michelle. Kill…Whitney, maybe? None of them are particularly murderable.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: What marching band do you know has zero fat ugly dykes?

Final review: Joke-wise, the movie didn’t bat very well. When you take that many swings, you’re bound to miss. A lot. I did laugh a couple of times though, which is a couple more times than I would have expected. The lesson The Asylum should learn from this movie is, when you don’t give a shit about making a quality film, make it a silly comedy. That way, all of the many, many mistakes and terrible editing won’t distract the viewer. “I can’t be mad, it’s obvious they don’t care!” Oh, and show a lot of attractive women, wearing little to no clothing. Always helps.

Ranking:

3 bees

Cleaver Family Reunion

Title: Cleaver Family Reunion

Director: H.M. Coakley

Writer: H.M. Coakley

Starring: Trae Ireland, Sandy Simmons, Efé

Year released: 2013

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I’m probably going to say something racist.

Their synopsis: “A delightfully dysfunctional family settles their differences after a series of hilarious misadventures surrounding their annual family reunion.”

My synopsis: All the different character types are represented in the Cleaver family, but I’ll be goddamned if I don’t want to be invited to the next party they’re having. (Also, it wasn’t a family reunion. That’s racist!)

Quick review: Pure formula, but it was funny.

Pros: This movie proves black people are more interesting than white people.

Cons: I want everyone at the table to stop! making! emotional! speeches!

Biggest movie cliché: A wacky, straight-shootin’, no-nonsense grandma who tells it like it is! Mmm-hmm!

Favorite quotes: “How is Sunshine short for Sun Shine?” and Grandma Bertha saying, “My nigga!” and “Nigga please!” (The best part is [Spoiler alert!] Grandma Bertha turns out to be a white lady.)

Say a nice thing: H.M. Coakley making this look so easy fucks Tyler Perry’s shit right up. That next shitty Madea movie better win an Oscar or something.

Say a mean thing: You won’t be pregnant for long after breathing in all that pesticide, Stacy.

Most relatable current event: Whichever white person got caught saying nigga most recently.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: The down-home, Podunk Texas town is really nice and there were white people drinking at the bar.

Smallest suspension of disbelief: There’s a character named Khadijah. The successful black guy dates a white girl. They eat chicken and collard greens for dinner. They go to church. They play basketball. One of them’s on house arrest. (“They” being the Cleavers, of course…)

Final review: Holy blue lord did I think this movie would be shit. Thankfully, I was way off. The filmmakers didn’t fully commit to the conceit (The shameful, country family was actually pretty well-off, for example.) and every single person just had to have their epiphany. The plot played out exactly like I thought it would, but I laughed out loud several times, and enjoyed watching the Cleavers interact. It’s easily the funniest Asylum movie I’ve ever seen. Well-acted too. I’m on the Melvin Gregg bandwagon and I would marry Justine Herron tomorrow.

Ranking:

3.5 bees

 

 

 

 

 

 

Perverse side note: I screencapped this because I’m a creep and generally not a good person.