Zoombies

Title: Zoombies

Director: Glenn Miller

Writer: Scotty Mullen

Starring: Ione Butler, Kim Nielsen, Andrew Asper

Year released: 2016

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): The last zombie movie helmed by Glenn Miller and Scotty Mullen is arguably the least funny thing ever put to film.

Their synopsis: “When a strange virus quickly spreads through a safari park and turns all the zoo animals undead, those left in the park must stop the creatures before they escape and zombify the whole city.”

My synopsis: A strange virus quickly spreads through a “screenwriter” and turns all his wild Jurassic World fantasies into boring garbage.

Quick review: It was tirezoome. (I can make shitty puns too.)

Pros: Ione Butler has a little Zoe Saldana thing going on. I’m a big fan of that. And also the shorts she was wearing.

Cons: CGI Kifo and man-in-a-suit Kifo look remarkably different, yet, I’m not sure which one I hate more.

Biggest movie cliché: A sweet, little girl beating an undead koala to death with an aluminum bat. Per usual…

Favorite quote: “You and your family will be able to ‘monkey’ around, on a variety of kid-friendly amusements…” Not ashamed to say I laughed at this. I liked that whole commercial, really. I’d go visit Eden Wildlife Zoo.

Least favorite quote: “I’m going for the brain.” She said out of nowhere for no discernible reason.

Say a nice thing: I recognize Kim Nielsen from something.

Say a mean thing: Amber’s a cunt. (Tried and true.)

Biggest suspension of disbelief: It’s readily apparent that no one sat on an elephant during the making of this film. Or ziplined.

Most relatable current event: I haven’t been to the zoo in awhile, but I almost went to the aquarium last week. Does that count?

Final review: I know I’ve suggested Asylum name changes in the past, but ‘Squandered Potential Studios’ has an appropriately nice ring to it. Every production company and their lazy whore of a mother has to try and make a zombie movie with a slightly different take on the genre. However, I don’t hate the idea of a zombie zoo. A lot of fun to be had there. What bothers me, of course, is the inevitable Asylum-ing of an interesting premise. The story turns are ridiculous, and none of the characters behave in a way that’s even remotely believable. The lack of forethought continues to puzzle me.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Night of the Wild

Title: Night of the Wild

Director: Eric Red

Writer: Delondra Williams

Starring: Tristin Mays, Kelly Rutherford, Rob Morrow

Year released: 2016

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): You thought (hoped) I was dead! Ha! Too bad, suckers! Also, The Asylum is only listed as a distributor on this film. I’m unsure if this is a good thing.

Their synopsis: “When a large meteor crashes into a quiet town, pet dogs become mysteriously aggressive…Roslyn and the other members of her family must find each other by fighting back against the blood-thirsty hounds…”

My synopsis: Green space rocks secretly tell canines to bite every human on the forearm.

Quick review: Redundantly redundant.

Pros: Wolves are genuinely awesome. I wish they’d attack more people associated with Asylum movies. And a guide dog deliberately led its blind owner into the path of an oncoming car. It was hilarious.

Cons: I fucking hate so much people who don’t know how to keep their goddamned dogs quiet.

MFK: Marry Roslyn. Fuck Pia. Kill Alice. Maybe if Mary Katherine O’Donnell had a more visible online presence, or a shorter name, I wouldn’t have to kill her.

Biggest movie cliché: The short-lived illusion of safety.

Say a nice thing: Who’s a good boy?! Shep’s a good boy! Yes, he is!!

Say a mean thing: All old people are cranky and horrible and should be killed.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Are the giant glowing rocks invisible? I don’t understand.

Most relatable current event: Could have started here…

Final review: This is a very poorly edited film. I think that’s my biggest complaint. Shots of nothing; action scenes that take forever and/or don’t make any sense. And every attack scene is the same fucking thing! It’s visually unappealing, and frustrating as shit. Another aspect of this movie that goes beyond the normal expectation of inadequacy is the story itself. The meteors are affecting the dogs on a sensory level, I assume? If so, couldn’t you just remove them? But why can no one see them? Or can they? There’s really no motivation whatsoever for the dogs’ aggressive behavior. Any exposition at all would have been helpful.

Ranking:

2 bees

Little Dead Rotting Hood

Title: Little Dead Rotting Hood

Director: Jared Cohn

Writer: Gabriel Campisi

Starring: Eric Balfour, Bianca A. Santos, Lil’ Romeo (Seriously.)

Year released: 2016

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): The first Asylum release of 2016.

Their synopsis: “Something sinister is lurking in the woods, and the residents of the small town nearby are falling victim to its bloodlust…”

My synopsis: Man vs nature vs mediocre filmmaking.

Quick review: If anyone else had played Sheriff Adam, I probably would have cut my ears off and gouged my eyes out.

Pros: Eric Balfour. His presence made most of the horseshit exposition seem plausible, and he delivered his equally terrible lines with aplomb. This would’ve been a much worse film without him.

Cons: How does Lil’ Romeo have that many acting credits? He’s awful. (I do like that denim shirt he was wearing in the beginning though.)

Biggest movie cliché: Monsters love interrupting couples mid-coitus.

Favorite quote: “You are a bitch.” Adam correctly defining his ex-wife.

Say a nice thing: Benson is an amusing secondary character.

Say a mean thing: There is absolutely no way Patrick Muldoon wasn’t coked out of his mind during every scene.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: You clearly didn’t hit play on that iPod, Jenny.

Another favorite quote: “She asked about you…She wanted to know if you were retarded.” Rita with a sick burn.

Final review: It should come as no surprise that hackneyed writer Gabriel Campisi is responsible for Jailbait, having penned 17 & Life: Jail Bait, a comic book which can be purchased for $4. I imagine shooting this movie was mentally exhausting for Eric Balfour, given the far inferior talent that surrounded him on-screen and off. He quite literally carries the film, and is the only human/wolf/werewolf in which you will have a vested interest. I hope he got paid well. Finally, as Lil’ Romeo inexplicably crawled out from whichever abyss he lay dormant to appear in Little Dead Rotting Hood, it feels appropriate to mention that children making godawful rap music used to be a popular thing. He really has led an embarrassing life.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Battledogs

Title: Battledogs

Director: Alexander Yellen

Writer: Shane Van Dyke

Starring: Ariana Richards, Craig Sheffer, Kate Vernon, Pedro Cerrano

Year released: 2013

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Remember Battletoads? That’s instantly what I thought of.

Their synopsis: “…all of Manhattan is quarantined when the ‘Lupine virus’ spreads like wildfire, turning innocent civilians into ravenous wolves…”

My synopsis: Werewolf outbreak in a mythical New York City, where people and traffic cease to exist.

Quick review: Cliché-ridden horseshit.

Pros: Some halfway decent automotive stunt work.

Cons: Battledogs is an especially lousy title. And fuck that goddamn boat chase.

Biggest movie cliché: The government surreptitiously attempting to weaponize something unorthodox.

Best cameo: Bill Duke as President Sheridan. The word ‘Best’ is a little strong, but Bill Duke was in Predator, and that’s really all you need. Although, I am surprised Dennis Haysbert wasn’t cast as the black president. (Haysbert stunk, by the way.)

Least favorite quote: The dialogue is dreadfully unoriginal, but my least favorite line was probably when Major Hoffman threatened a soldier with being “court marshalled so fast your head will spin!”

Say a nice thing: Only realized post-screening that Ariana Richards played Lex in Jurassic Park. What a classic film.

Say a mean thing: What the fuck was Ernie Hudson talking about with the holograms, and why was every C-list black actor cast in this?

Biggest suspension of disbelief: You can’t interrupt a cell phone call with a goddamn walkie talkie.

Most relatable current event: The outbreak of Mets fever in New York City! (Soon to be cured.)

Final review: To be fair, “cliché-ridden horseshit” is an accurate description of most Asylum productions. However, there’s something particularly detestable about this film. It’s mostly just averagely shitty, yet I was very angry. I can’t quite put my finger on it. I’m not sure why I hate this movie so much, but I do. It’s not outstandingly bad, comparatively speaking. I’m repeating myself, so I’ll cut this review short. I cannot condemn this film enough, but if you happened to be trapped in a mineshaft, and it’s playing on the somehow-still-functioning television set, I think you’ll agree with me that Battledogs is the pits. Right before you suffocate and die. God… What an awful way to go. Anyway, I only hope that I haven’t reached a breaking point with the Asylum. Don’t know what I’d do with myself.

Ranking:

1.5 bees

Sharktopus vs Pteracuda

Title: Sharktopus vs Pteracuda

Director: Kevin O’Neill

Writer: Matt Yamashita

Starring: Katie Savoy, Rib Hillis, Robert Carradine

Year released: 2014

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Airing shortly after Sharknado 2: The Second One, SyFy tried to capitalize on the Sharknado fever. Without Conan O’Brien, no one would have noticed.

Their synopsis: “The battle to end all battles!”

My synopsis: The people who created Sharktopus made another monster/weapon, which is an animal, but also a computer program? Or something? Then some Russian jew steals it. Meanwhile, a new Sharktopus lives at a low-rent Sea World. (Spoiler alert: The battle does not end all battles.)

Quick review: Aggressively hateful.

Pros: Multiple Sharktopus and Pteracuda fights.

Cons: Jesus holy god… It’s all just so fucking mindless and awful.

Biggest movie cliché: I’m pretty sure somebody actually used the phrase, “I’m gettin’ too old for this.” I was a bit distracted though, burning my arm with a lighter, so I may have misheard.

Least favorite quote: Every line of dialogue that didn’t come out of Conan O’Brien’s mouth.

Say a nice thing: Katie Savoy is very pretty.

Say a mean thing: David Carradine accidentally asphyxiated himself jerking off while wearing fishnets in a hotel closet in Bangkok. The Carradine family is still more embarrassed by Robert’s appearance in this film.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: You cannot train a Sharktopus, especially if there’s a fat, stupid Mexican yelling at it.

Most relatable current event: I only discovered doing this review that yet another Sharktopus movie had been made. I’m going to hate myself so much for watching it.

Final review: It really is shocking to see how little New Horizons’ cares about making a watchable film, even in relation to The Asylum. I mean, my god, it’s fucking horrible. I feel like Roger Corman is dead, and people are just assigning his name to things. If he isn’t dead, I certainly hope he dies soon, and in the most painful way an octogenarian can die. Why would he allow this to see the light of day? Sharktopus vs Pteracuda isn’t funny, interesting, clever, well-shot, well-acted, well-anything, and its dialogue raped my ears. It’s abominable.

Ranking:

1 bee

3-Headed Shark Attack

Title: 3-Headed Shark Attack

Director: Christopher (Douglas-Olen) Ray

Writer: Jacob Cooney, Bill Hanstock

Starring: Karrueche Tran, Brad Mills, Jena Sims

Year released: 2015

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Christopher Ray and multi-headed sharks do not mix well.

Their synopsis: “The world’s greatest killing machine is three times as deadly when a mutated shark originating from the Great Pacific garbage patch eats its way through an island research facility…”

My synopsis: Terrible actors, some of whom have excellent breasts, travel from boat to boat, despite a boring, three-headed shark terrorizing the waters.

Quick review: Please, Christopher, for the love of god, don’t make 4-Headed Shark Attack. I beg of you.

Pros: Every single (annoying, poorly-edited) death is welcomed.

Cons: The entire film should’ve been shot at Jena Sim’s place.

Biggest movie cliché: Because of course the black guy’s name is Omar…

Say a nice thing: Danny Trejo is a likeable fella.

Say a sexist thing: Karrueche Tran and Jena Sims are not actresses. They are objects to be leered at, and used for physical pleasure. That’s the only thing they’re good for.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Hahaha, I loved the shots of the boat’s driver trying to stay out of frame. He didn’t do so well.

Most relatable current event: That garbage patch really is a travesty.

Final review: The massive three-headed shark can apparently attack and kill you from anywhere (standing onshore, using the restroom, etc.), so why would it matter if you successfully swam to a boat? It doesn’t. This is merely one reason the film is tensionless. Another? Much like its predecessor, you’ll hate most of the characters and want them to die. That’s not to say you’ll be rooting for the shark, because the shark is also retarded. As is the dialogue. And the premise. This movie is a mess.

Ranking:

1.5 bees

100 Ghost Street: The Return of Richard Speck

Title: 100 Ghost Street: The Return of Richard Speck

Director: Martin Wichmann

Writer: Nancy Leopardi

Starring: Hayley Derryberry (I just wanted to type out that atrocious name.)

Year released: 2012

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): In case you don’t recall Richard Speck… Watch the beginning of the video. It’s creepier than his murders.

Their synopsis: “In 2010, paranormal investigators tried to film Richard Speck’s ghost at the site of his heinous killing spree. The victims’ families have finally released the footage that documents their last days.”

My synopsis: Shockingly, there’s a ghost residing at 100 Ghost Street. Duh. Also, the ghost rapes a woman.

Quick review: Spoiler alert: There’s a ghost rape. Movie is ok.

Pros: The ghost isn’t as unattractive as the real Richard Speck. Goddamn he was an ugly bastard.

Cons: If you’re a ghost hunter, you should know the difference between a serial killer and a mass murderer. I mean, seriously…

Smallest suspension of disbelief: Guess who dies first? (Hint: It’s a black guy. Named Earl.)

Biggest movie cliché: Can a girl not enjoy a lollipop in these movies without simultaneously being a dirty, dirty whore? And the ghost rape, obviously.

Say a nice thing: How have I never specifically mentioned Jennifer Robyn Jacobs before? She’s been in multiple films I’ve reviewed, and is absolutely stunning.

Say a mean thing: If Jackie ever got too close to a light bulb, I’m pretty sure her awful nose would melt.

Say a creepy thing: Ok, so to be honest, the ghost rape scene kinda turned me on a little bit.

Most relatable current event: More women accusing Ghost Dad of rape.

MFK: Marry Jen. Fuck Sarah. Kill Jackie. (By fucking her.)

Final review: I suppose the premise is as good as any for a found footage film. A team of paranormal investigators, probably working for A&E, want to do a documentary on the now-abandoned dormitory where Richard Speck methodically tortured and killed his victims. If nothing else, it gives a legitimate reason to have all these cameras around. 100 Ghost Street is well-edited, and the performances are relatively believable, but ultimately it’s just too unoriginal. The same found footage tropes, and the same character archetypes. It’s nothing you haven’t seen a dozen times before. There’s also a ghost rape. Did I mention the ghost rape? And I think the ghost had sex with a dead body, as well.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Hansel vs Gretel

Title: Hansel vs Gretel

Director: Ben Demaree

Writer: Jose Prendes

Starring: Brent Lydic, Lili Baross, Aqueela Zoll (terrible name, so hot)

Year released: 2015

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): The Asylum’s latest release. Just reviewed the original.

Their synopsis: “Trapped under a dark spell, Gretel assembles a coven of witches that terrorizes the town until Hansel finds the courage to fight his sister and the sinister forces that control her.”

My synopsis: Witches be trippin’.

Quick review: Exactly as watchable as the first.

Pros: Would you fuck a teenage demon cheerleader witch? I’d fuck a teenage demon cheerleader witch.

Cons: Conspicuously absent? The talented and gorgeous Stephanie Greco. Although, to be fair, Lili Baross wasn’t bad.

Biggest movie cliché: Why do witches always have to wear black? With her skin tone, I think the Indian one would have looked nice in pastels.

Favorite quote: “Please fucking explain why you tore off our grandmother’s head!”

Say a nice thing: My favorite was the witch that licked everything. God, what a creep.

Say a mean thing: You saw a witch burrow into the ground like a gopher? No you fucking didn’t, you fucking liar.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: What kind of cryptic-ass witches lead you on a scavenger hunt?

Most relatable current event: Germany is fucking weird.

Final review: I’m not sure what I can say that would be different from my review of the first Asylum Hansel and Gretel movie. The villains are kind of silly, and the ending is arbitrary and dumb. If nothing else, I suppose Jose Prendes is consistently mediocre in his filmic witch-writing abilities. Hansel vs Gretel is not as rooted in the original fairy tale as its predecessor, which is bad news, but there are elements of Blade in this, which is good. We’ll call it even. I’m going to assume Prendes will eventually get around to penning a third film, so let’s all just wait and see how that one goes.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Hansel & Gretel

Title: Hansel & Gretel

Director: Anthony C. Ferrante

Writer: Jose Prendes

Starring: Brent Lydic, Stephanie Greco, Dee Wallace

Year released: 2013

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): March 2015 was the only month in which I didn’t post at least one shitty review of at least one shitty movie. Why, you ask? (You didn’t.) Moving. Work. Vacation. Depression. (Put those in whatever order you want. I don’t care…)

Their synopsis: “…teen siblings are enslaved by a psychotic recluse within her gruesome house of horrors in the woods.”

My synopsis: Twins, who are clearly not twins, are captured by a witch who owns a bakery.

Quick review: HanselandGretel-y.

Pros: Surprisingly brutal. The opening scene in particular, and also when they shoved a pointy stick through a girl’s vagina and out her mouth.

Cons: I have an issue with this story being set in present day, yet the names “Hansel” and “Gretel” are still being used.

Biggest movie cliché: “Aw, come on, Dad! You’re getting remarried to her! Have you already forgotten about Mom?! Whose death, by the way, is all my fault even though it isn’t and I’ve yet to realize!” That whole unnecessary scene.

Favorite quote: “Shut the fuck up, Kevin!” Followed by Kevin’s reaction.

Say a nice thing: Jane is was the cutest prisoner ever.

Say a mean thing: Hit that old cunt with the broom!

Say a creepy thing: To be fair, I totally get wanting to enslave a teenaged Stephanie Greco in a secluded house in the woods.

Least favorite quote: “You shot the sheriff…” I swear to god, immediately accompanied by, “Yeah? Well, I killed the deputy, too.” I cannot express how angry this embarrassingly godawful attempt at cleverness made me.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: How did that old bitch get her hands on Scarecrow’s fear toxin? And there’s no way she’s that goddamn strong or fast.

Most relatable current event: I went to the theater and saw It Follows. The film was good, I was expecting great. All I want to know is where ‘it’ began, and if Jay fucked all three of those guys on the boat at the same time.

Final review: I think what brings this story down more than anything are the villains. I didn’t find them to be frightening; I found them to be ridiculous. The final 15 minutes of the movie are also quite stupid. Did you really have a teacher that taught you to build ingenious murder traps in under two minutes, Hansel? Not to mention that everyone was out of the house, then the filmmakers realized they had to come back so the witch could be killed in the oven. The ending was in desperate need of a rewrite, though I’m not sure it’d have elevated the film any.

Ranking:

The Amityville Haunting

Title: The Amityville Haunting

Director: Geoff Meed

Writer: Geoff Meed probably

Starring: Nadine Crocker, less attractive other people

Year released: 2011

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): They took it off Netflix without telling me. Have to watch it on Hulu with ads.

Their synopsis: “Actual found footage that documents the horrifying experience of a family that moved into the infamous haunted house.”

My synopsis: A murderable family is murdered. Justice.

Quick review: Exhausting.

Pros: I like the idea of breaking into haunted houses to fuck.

Cons: Arguably the worst actors ever assembled for a found footage movie.

Big suspension of disbelief: Wait a second, why’d the ghost take a nap for 32 years?

Biggest movie cliché: That military dad sure is strict.

Say a creepy thing: I kept fantasizing about Lori choking me while we have sex.

Say a mean thing: Devin Clark’s stupid face should be caved in with a brick.

Bigger suspension of disbelief: I don’t believe this family exists more than I believe ghosts don’t exist.

Most relatable current event: Here’s another Long Island murderer.

Final review: Watching this movie is a fucking chore. The least natural found footage film in existence. It has to be. The Nissan Rogue ad I watched halfway through was a goddamn epic compared this dogshit. The Amityville Haunting evokes hatred and anger. What I saw was real. Real terrible. Geoff Meed is a loathsome individual.

Ranking:

1 bee