Title: Night of the Wild
Director: Eric Red
Writer: Delondra Williams
Starring: Tristin Mays, Kelly Rutherford, Rob Morrow
Year released: 2016
Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): You thought (hoped) I was dead! Ha! Too bad, suckers! Also, The Asylum is only listed as a distributor on this film. I’m unsure if this is a good thing.
Their synopsis: “When a large meteor crashes into a quiet town, pet dogs become mysteriously aggressive…Roslyn and the other members of her family must find each other by fighting back against the blood-thirsty hounds…”
My synopsis: Green space rocks secretly tell canines to bite every human on the forearm.
Quick review: Redundantly redundant.
Pros: Wolves are genuinely awesome. I wish they’d attack more people associated with Asylum movies. And a guide dog deliberately led its blind owner into the path of an oncoming car. It was hilarious.
Cons: I fucking hate so much people who don’t know how to keep their goddamned dogs quiet.
MFK: Marry Roslyn. Fuck Pia. Kill Alice. Maybe if Mary Katherine O’Donnell had a more visible online presence, or a shorter name, I wouldn’t have to kill her.
Biggest movie cliché: The short-lived illusion of safety.
Say a nice thing: Who’s a good boy?! Shep’s a good boy! Yes, he is!!
Say a mean thing: All old people are cranky and horrible and should be killed.
Biggest suspension of disbelief: Are the giant glowing rocks invisible? I don’t understand.
Most relatable current event: Could have started here…
Final review: This is a very poorly edited film. I think that’s my biggest complaint. Shots of nothing; action scenes that take forever and/or don’t make any sense. And every attack scene is the same fucking thing! It’s visually unappealing, and frustrating as shit. Another aspect of this movie that goes beyond the normal expectation of inadequacy is the story itself. The meteors are affecting the dogs on a sensory level, I assume? If so, couldn’t you just remove them? But why can no one see them? Or can they? There’s really no motivation whatsoever for the dogs’ aggressive behavior. Any exposition at all would have been helpful.
Ranking: