Izzie’s Way Home

Title: Izzie’s Way Home

Director: Sasha Burrow

Writer: Camille Licate, Hank Woon Jr.

Starring: Bonnie Dennison, Tom Virtue, Tori Spelling, the fat guy from *NSYNC

Year released: 2016

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I’m very intrigued to see how The Asylum handles animation. I believe this is their first attempt.

Their synopsis: “A constantly picked-on aquarium fish escapes her yacht home, unaware of the dangers that await her in the open ocean…” Via IMDB, as Asylum’s page gives no summary.

My synopsis: All the fish from some rich douchebag’s aquarium fall into the ocean and/or the exact plot of Finding Nemo, where adventure awaits them.

Quick review: Any parent that bought this movie for their child instead of taking them to go see Finding Dory should be crucified.

Pros: Fish finally acknowledging that they are weird-looking.

Cons: I don’t know much about this kind of thing, but I can’t imagine the first rule of animation is “Make it as lifeless as possible, please!”

Biggest movie cliché: The moral of the film is that it doesn’t matter how you look, it just matters what you do. Literally. “It doesn’t matter how you look, it just matters what you do.” They say that shit like five times.

Say a nice thing: Nowhere else in the history of our galaxy can you watch an Italian sea cucumber talk about farting.

Say a mean thing: That one red fish was a bitcharoo.

Say a meaner thing: Isabel is the fish equivalent of an autistic burn victim.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: It’s a fucking cartoon…

Most relatable current event: I only recently learned that Pixar’s next release is Cars 3. Fuck all of those Cars movies. They stink.

Final review: You can do anything you want with animation. There are no rules. (Space Jam taught us this twenty years ago.) Yet, The Asylum chose to recreate 95% of its film catalogue, by having unlikeable characters stand around dead-eyed, trading banal lines of dialogue. The animation itself was very inconsistent. At times it was multi-layered and textured, while at others looked like it was rendered on an Apple II. And is it really asking too much for the mouths to match what is being said? It’s 2016. The Asylum couldn’t have spent more than $4,000 on this entire endeavor. I honestly can’t believe it took them this long to realize it’s easier to half-ass it through animation.

Ranking:

2 bees

 

12 Disasters

Title: 12 Disasters (Also known as: The 12 Disasters of Christmas)

Director: Steven R. Monroe

Writer: Sydney Roper, Rudy Thauberger

Starring: Magda Apanowicz, Ed Quinn, Roark Critchlow (Stupid name.)

Year released: 2012

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Why does CineTel Films always try and take the word ‘Christmas’ out of their titles?

Their synopsis: “When Jacey is told she is the ‘chosen’ one, she soon realizes that she is the only one who has the power to stop the impending doom. Using an ancient book of Mayan prophecies, Jacey and her father must figure out how to stop the twelve disasters that begin the countdown to the end of the world!”

My synopsis: A teenage girl’s crazy grandparents turn out to be soothsayers, and now she has to save the town she secretly thinks is totes lame and, like, totally can’t wait to get away from! Gawd!

Quick review: Goddammit. I wanted to like this, but they overdid it.

Pros: The acting had no right being as good as it was.

Cons: “BIBLICAL NAMES! WE ALL HAVE BIBLICAL NAMES BEFITTING OUR CHARACTERS!! GET IT?! DO YOU FUCKING GET IT YET?!?!”

Biggest movie cliché: The bad guy survives an impossible-to-survive situation, and returns to muck up the works.

Say a nice thing: Not as overtly jesusy as I was expecting. Thank god!

Say a creepy thing: I wish Jacey would climb all over my face.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Why’d they bring up Machu Picchu? That’s Incan, not fucking Mayan.

Most relatable current event: Jesus has returned! It’s a miracle!

Final review: Finally! A movie that seamlessly ties together Christianity, the Mayan civilization, and an English Christmas carol! Seriously though, with a little focus, this film might’ve actually been good. A little subtlety with the jesus angle, get rid of the Christmas carol nonsense entirely, and you’ve got a decent disaster flick. It’s hilarious (Unintentionally, I’m pretty sure.) how fast 12 Disasters escalates, but despite its graceless beginning, the movie boasts an impressive, dare I say exciting, pace. Unfortunately, the filmmakers seemed to think the audience wouldn’t understand who was good and who was evil, so it repeatedly, and obnoxiously, sledgehammered the already obvious point home. I really did want to like this movie. The film’s poster has a cross on it, yet I was enjoying it! Do you know how surprising that is?! The negatives just barely outweigh the positives. So close to a coveted three star bee rating.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Stonados

Title: Stonados

Director: Jason Bourque

Writer: Rafael Jordan

Starring: Paul Johansson, Sebastian Spence, Miranda Frigon

Year released: 2013

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I tried to review this awhile ago, watched the first nine minutes, then said, “Nah, fuck this.” Let’s try again.

Their synopsis: “All hail breaks loose when tornadoes hurl large stones over Boston.”

My synopsis: A cute cop, an egocentric weatherman, and an absentee teacher drive around greater Boston warning people of a ridiculous weather phenomenon.

Quick review: The telegraphed action sequences are beyond dreadful, but the rest is surprisingly decent.

Pros: That old bag o’ bones really likes to say “damn.”

Cons: Shouldn’t that teacher (and his kids) be in class? Also, the “scientific” explain of the stonados was horseshit.

Biggest movie cliché: We’ll limit it to the godawful action clichés once our heroes were in the Metro News van. Or the news station being called something as generic as “Metro News.”

Ask a mean question: Is Jessica McLeod going bald, or does she just have a gigantic forehead?

Say a nice thing: Boston is an absolutely lovely city…

Say a mean thing: …full of racist imbeciles with cacophonous accents.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: The most unrealistic game of basketball between two black guys ever put on film.

Most relatable current event: I didn’t know England had tornadoes.

Final review: Well, maybe decent is too strong a word. The story is decidedly average, but it’s almost believable. The characters are also as superficial as can be humanly written, but they’re not woefully acted. (The single father has trouble dealing with his teenage daughter? Aw, man! That’s tough, you guys!) Ultimately, what’s mostly shitty about this movie is that it’s an action film, with some of the worst action scenes imaginable. Not ideal. If you’re not going to spend any time on the plot, at least make sure some aspect of the film is entertaining. There is more than a hint of Twister in this movie, as well. Inadvisable.

Ranking:

2 bees

Apocalypse Pompeii

Title: Apocalypse Pompeii

Director: Ben Demaree

Writer: Steve Bevilacqua, Jacob Cooney, Bill Hanstock

Starring: Adrian Paul, Jhey Castles, Georgina Beedle

Year released: 2014

Their synopsis: “…Mt. Vesuvius erupts with massive force…[a] family fights to survive the deadly onslaught of heat and lava…”

My synopsis: A family that would never exist in real life vacations in Pompeii, has terrible timing.

Quick review: How do you say ‘bland’ in Italian?

Pros: After this film was over, I took an awesome nap.

Cons: A note for The Asylum: Hire better actors, or limit your actors’ emotional ranges.

Biggest movie cliché: Everything regarding the dad being former black ops.

Say a nice thing: That Pierce family sure is an attractive bunch.

Say a mean thing: What in god’s name is on your face, Gianni? It’s disgusting.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Can’t we predict these things now?

Most relatable current event: “Damn! Mount Vesuvius’s pyroclastic flow is R-A-W, R-A-W.” What Ice Cube would have said, were he there. (Cause NWA, get it?)

Final review: The paper-thin characters aren’t even remotely believable, and only exist for the purpose of this film. The daughter who fetishizes volcanoes has a super dad who did vaguely badass stuff in black ops. Sure, that’s relatable… This movie is an example of my least favorite kind of Asylum film. It’s not any good, but it doesn’t suck quite enough to be entertaining. Nothing of interest happens, so I can’t really pull anything from it. At least this snoozer had the decency to be atrocious.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Asteroid vs Earth

Title: Asteroid vs Earth

Director: Christopher (Douglas-Olen) Ray

Writer: Adam Lipsius

Starring: Tia Carrere, Jason Brooks, Robert Davi

Year released: 2014

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I don’t really see how an asteroid and the Earth can versus each other.

Their synopsis: “When a shower of massive meteors threatens Earth’s inhabitants with extinction, the world’s greatest minds devise a dangerous plan that will tilt the planet off its axis to avoid the impact.”

My synopsis: This guy wants to bang an Asian girl at a bar, but ends up having to work with her to set off nukes in the Yap Trench. Eventually, I think he probably does end up banging her.

Quick review: It’s not very exciting, but it’s not altogether bad.

Pros: Believable, normal homosexual characters in an Asylum film.

Cons: The movie’s asteroid-avoidance plot is less coherent than Armageddon’s.

Biggest movie cliché: A completely ludicrous, impossible-to-achieve idea to save Earth from asteroidal annihilation actually worked!

Best cameo: Melvin Gregg!

Say a nice thing: I liked the fidgety Asian intern.

Say a mean thing: The only good thing about Davi’s helmet of a hairpiece is that it distracts from his godawful, craterous face.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: That kid in charge of the nukes was far too young to be giving orders. The varying weight of the nuclear warheads was also completely absurd.

Most relatable current event: This could be Asteroid vs Earth 2.

Final review: It’s fairly well-executed, but lord almighty is it boring. I kept having to pause it and go do things, then come back. Perhaps this isn’t the best way to review a film, but it beats sleeping through it (which did happen once) and making this whole thing up. (Although, I’m not sure anyone would know the difference.) More, or just better, action sequences would have helped break up the monotony. Not creating monotony would have also been advisable.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Super Cyclone

Title: Super Cyclone

Director: Liz Adams

Writer: Liz Adams

Starring: Ming-Na Wen, Nicholas Turturro, Dylan Vox

Year released: 2012

Their synopsis: “When a super cyclone threatens the entire American eastern seaboard, a lone meteorologist and a petroleum engineer must battle the elements to stop the threat.”

My synopsis: Eastern seaboard? Did The Asylum not even bother to watch its own shitty movie? The whole thing takes place in California.

Quick review: Makes Twister look like a goddamn Best Picture winner.

Pros: I watched this on Netflix. Netflix is good.

Cons: Stop introducing everybody via on-screen text. It is unnecessary and stupid.

Biggest movie cliché: The inability to make a black guy look or sound like a normal human being.

Least favorite quote: “Warm water? Moist air? …It’s the devil’s playground.” Ugh.

Say a nice thing: I like all the nice, sunny weather. Doesn’t help your film’s premise whatsoever, but it makes me want to visit Los Angeles.

Say a mean thing: Parkinson’s patients have more fluidity than these “actors.”

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Loosest. Tourniquet. Ever. That fat bastard should’ve lost his leg. Also, why in christ’s name were you showing a map of Florida and talking about Southern California?

Most relatable current event: Southern Californians and Mother Nature not getting along.

Final review: Running calculations? Really? Were you? In the back of an SUV with no equipment? You’re an asshole, Percy. The scientific dialogue in this film isn’t so much spoken, as regurgitated like a mother bird feeding her hatchlings. I’m not sure if Liz Adams is a terrible writer, or just doesn’t understand science because she’s a woman. Either way, it’s enraging to listen to, and the actors are equally as enraging to watch.

Ranking:

1.5 bees

Airplane vs Volcano

Title: Airplane vs Volcano

Director: The Kondelik Brothers

Writer: The Kondelik Brothers

Starring: Dean Cain, Robin Givens, Tamara Goodwin

Year released: 2014

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I recently finished reading Undisputed Truth, Mike Tyson’s autobiography. I hope Robin Givens gets volcanoed somethin’ good.

Their synopsis: “When a commercial airliner is trapped within a ring of erupting volcanoes, the passengers and crew must find a way to survive – without landing.”

My synopsis: The Kondelik Brothers hate films, common sense, and America, so they made this godawful mess of shit.

Quick review: ‘Hate’ is not strong enough a word.

Pros: One or two of the human beings in this movie has the ability to act.

Cons: Every single con.

Biggest movie cliché: Are there any airplane disaster films where no one on the plane knows how to fly? The pilots die, and the damn thing just crashes into the ocean? God did I want that to happen…

Least favorite quote: When I heard the immortal “Let’s plow the road!” from Independence Day, I wanted to break my iPad. How dare they.

Say a mean thing: There isn’t a reason this film should have been made, but there are even less reasons why the Kondelik brothers shouldn’t be strangled with chicken wire.

Say a meaner thing: I wish the Kondelik brothers’ cunt of a mother was an enthusiast of third-trimester abortions.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: It would be unfair to highlight any one single aspect of this ridiculously unbelievable film.

Most relatable current event: Repeated Ray Rice left hands would be preferable. Or a day out with ISIS. (I’d rather be hurt or killed. You get it. Real original.)

Final review: A short list of versus movies that would be more plausible and interesting than this: Grandmother vs Internet, Clouds vs Sunshine, Buttons vs Zippers. There is almost nothing redeeming about this film. As a result, I hate it so very much. It’s a movie whose shittiness is of such incredible proportions, it has to be witnessed. But you should never see this film. Ever. Watch anything else. Infants falling off ladders, for example. That would be ten times as profound and intriguing.

Ranking:

.5 bee

100° Below Zero

Title: 100° Below Zero

Director: R.D. Braunstein

Writer: H. Perry Horton, Richard Schenkman

Starring: Jeff Fahey, Sara Malakul Lane, Marc Ewins, Judit Fekete

Year released: 2013

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Sara Malakul Lane. (Yes, again.)

Their synopsis: “When a series of volcanic eruptions rips through Europe, the subsequent ash cloud blocks out the sun, plunging the continent into a new ice age.”

My synopsis: People covered with varying amounts of fake snow acting in front of a green screen.

Quick(est) review: Eh.

Notice something: Is Jeff Fahey only in movies where it gets cold?

Pros: Sara Malakul’s low rise jeans. John Rhys-Davies (Sallah from the Indiana Jones franchise) as Colonel Dillard is quite good.

Cons: No one ever actually seems cold.

Biggest movie cliché: The Eiffel Tower being destroyed.

Say a nice thing: For a film called 100° Below Zero, I admire how long the filmmakers managed to keep Sara Malakul in her low-cut t-shirt.

Say a mean thing: There’s no way those guys in the tunnel wouldn’t have murdered Ryan and raped the two girls.

Say a creepy thing: Taryn and Ryan should keep warm by going inside and making brother sister porn.

Least favorite quote: “Well, it is a time for new beginnings. For all of us.” The movie ends on this quote. Ew.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Worst. “Teleconference.” Ever. Those people clearly just won an internet contest to have a line in the film. Also, why is “shortcut” the only English word the cute French girl knows?

Final review: For a movie about an impending ice age and the end of European civilization, there never really seems to be a sense of danger. The typical action set pieces are there (helicopter falling out of the sky, locked doors on a car that’s about to blow up) and the music’s tempo rises, but then…nothing. Nothing but misplaced, trivial banter. “Oh. We’re ok, I guess.” “Next time let’s go to Hawaii!” Zing! The film’s major sin is that it’s boring. Not crushingly so, just boringly so. And for some the reason the green screen scenes are especially bad. It’s bemusing.

Ranking:

2 bees

Pterodactyl

Title: Pterodactyl

Director: Mark L. Lester

Writer: Mark Sevi

Starring: Cameron Daddo, Amy Sloan, Coolio

Year released: 2005

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): If you don’t know who Coolio is, stop reading now. Also, just kill yourself. You should know who Coolio is.

Their synopsis: “A dormant volcano in the deep Turkish forest holds within it a deadly secret. Perfectly preserved, a nest of ancient dinosaur eggs are finally ready to hatch.”

My synopsis: Come along and ride on a fantastic voyage about pterosaurs.

Quick review: Minute after minute, hour after hour, this movie gets progressively dumber.

Pros: There was a rape joke. A funny one, too. It had me laughing so long, that even my momma thought that my mind was gone.

Cons: Help! I need somebody! To assist Mark Sevi in writing believable, multi-dimensional characters.

Biggest movie cliché: Tell me why I was so blind to see that the two main characters would share a long-awaited kiss at the end of the movie.

Say a nice thing: Amy Sloan did a swell job in this film. I would like to take her out and maybe eat some steak with beans and rice.

Say a racist thing: I absolutely believe the dirty, stupid Armenians as rapists, but no way I buy them being smart enough to speak English. They’re not educated, fool!

Say a creepy thing: I wouldn’t wait until ‘four’ to get Mircea Monroe on the floor.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Guns never have to be reloaded in the Pterodactyl universe. You can just grab your gat with the extra clip, close your eyes, and hit the switch.

Most relatable current event: “What’s going on in the kitchen? I don’t know what’s cookin’.”

Final review: Congratulations! You made it this far in one piece! I’m not sure how many consecutive Coolio references the human mind can withstand, but I imagine I’m pushing the limits. Anyway, this movie is basically just people shooting guns at pterodactyls, frequently missing. In between all of this, there’s some trite conversation and predictable story turns. The ending is lunacy, complete with horrendous visual effects. I don’t even think the people who made this film get the ending…and if they can’t understand it, how can they reach me?

Ranking:

2012: Doomsday

Title: 2012: Doomsday

Director: Nick Everhart

Writer: Nick Everhart, Naomi L. Selfman

Starring: people

Year released: 2008

Their synopsis: “In the days leading up to December 21, 2012, four strangers are mysteriously drawn to an ancient temple in the Mexican jungle.”

My synopsis: People in multiple cities across North America combat the impending apocalypse with varying levels of jesusiness.

Quick review: A jesusy version of that dumb Roland Emmerich film, with some Close Encounters of the Third Kind thievery thrown in for good measure.

Pros: Leafcutter ants. I wish this whole movie was 90 minutes of leafcutter ants.

Cons: Six minutes in and there was already a goddamn crucifix. I knew it was gonna be rough.

Biggest movie cliché: The EMT has lost her faith in god, but I’m willing to bet she’ll find it again by the end of the film. (Spoiler alert: she did.)

Say a nice thing: I wouldn’t want a few of the actors to fall down an elevator shaft.

Say a mean thing: I wish an actual “Doomsday” would have happened in the middle of this shitty film so I didn’t have to finish it.

Say a meaner thing: I want that fucking old bitch to die.

Say a racist thing: The Mayans are a stupid race of people.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Do I have to say it again? There’s no god. It’s 2014. Can we all stop pretending? Please?

Most relatable current event: That movie about sexy jesus.

Final review: Fuck this movie, god, and jesus. Seriously, this movie made me so angry. It’s The Apocalypse with a different cast. It’s garbage. A series of ham-handed, preachy conversations about how awesome god is, and if you don’t believe it then there’s something wrong with you. Whether you believe in god or not, this movie will insult your intelligence and make you want to kick jesus right in the cunt.

Ranking:

0 bees