12 Disasters

Title: 12 Disasters (Also known as: The 12 Disasters of Christmas)

Director: Steven R. Monroe

Writer: Sydney Roper, Rudy Thauberger

Starring: Magda Apanowicz, Ed Quinn, Roark Critchlow (Stupid name.)

Year released: 2012

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Why does CineTel Films always try and take the word ‘Christmas’ out of their titles?

Their synopsis: “When Jacey is told she is the ‘chosen’ one, she soon realizes that she is the only one who has the power to stop the impending doom. Using an ancient book of Mayan prophecies, Jacey and her father must figure out how to stop the twelve disasters that begin the countdown to the end of the world!”

My synopsis: A teenage girl’s crazy grandparents turn out to be soothsayers, and now she has to save the town she secretly thinks is totes lame and, like, totally can’t wait to get away from! Gawd!

Quick review: Goddammit. I wanted to like this, but they overdid it.

Pros: The acting had no right being as good as it was.

Cons: “BIBLICAL NAMES! WE ALL HAVE BIBLICAL NAMES BEFITTING OUR CHARACTERS!! GET IT?! DO YOU FUCKING GET IT YET?!?!”

Biggest movie cliché: The bad guy survives an impossible-to-survive situation, and returns to muck up the works.

Say a nice thing: Not as overtly jesusy as I was expecting. Thank god!

Say a creepy thing: I wish Jacey would climb all over my face.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Why’d they bring up Machu Picchu? That’s Incan, not fucking Mayan.

Most relatable current event: Jesus has returned! It’s a miracle!

Final review: Finally! A movie that seamlessly ties together Christianity, the Mayan civilization, and an English Christmas carol! Seriously though, with a little focus, this film might’ve actually been good. A little subtlety with the jesus angle, get rid of the Christmas carol nonsense entirely, and you’ve got a decent disaster flick. It’s hilarious (Unintentionally, I’m pretty sure.) how fast 12 Disasters escalates, but despite its graceless beginning, the movie boasts an impressive, dare I say exciting, pace. Unfortunately, the filmmakers seemed to think the audience wouldn’t understand who was good and who was evil, so it repeatedly, and obnoxiously, sledgehammered the already obvious point home. I really did want to like this movie. The film’s poster has a cross on it, yet I was enjoying it! Do you know how surprising that is?! The negatives just barely outweigh the positives. So close to a coveted three star bee rating.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

2012: Doomsday

Title: 2012: Doomsday

Director: Nick Everhart

Writer: Nick Everhart, Naomi L. Selfman

Starring: people

Year released: 2008

Their synopsis: “In the days leading up to December 21, 2012, four strangers are mysteriously drawn to an ancient temple in the Mexican jungle.”

My synopsis: People in multiple cities across North America combat the impending apocalypse with varying levels of jesusiness.

Quick review: A jesusy version of that dumb Roland Emmerich film, with some Close Encounters of the Third Kind thievery thrown in for good measure.

Pros: Leafcutter ants. I wish this whole movie was 90 minutes of leafcutter ants.

Cons: Six minutes in and there was already a goddamn crucifix. I knew it was gonna be rough.

Biggest movie cliché: The EMT has lost her faith in god, but I’m willing to bet she’ll find it again by the end of the film. (Spoiler alert: she did.)

Say a nice thing: I wouldn’t want a few of the actors to fall down an elevator shaft.

Say a mean thing: I wish an actual “Doomsday” would have happened in the middle of this shitty film so I didn’t have to finish it.

Say a meaner thing: I want that fucking old bitch to die.

Say a racist thing: The Mayans are a stupid race of people.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Do I have to say it again? There’s no god. It’s 2014. Can we all stop pretending? Please?

Most relatable current event: That movie about sexy jesus.

Final review: Fuck this movie, god, and jesus. Seriously, this movie made me so angry. It’s The Apocalypse with a different cast. It’s garbage. A series of ham-handed, preachy conversations about how awesome god is, and if you don’t believe it then there’s something wrong with you. Whether you believe in god or not, this movie will insult your intelligence and make you want to kick jesus right in the cunt.

Ranking:

0 bees

H.G. Wells’ War of the Worlds

Title: H.G. Wells’ War of the Worlds

Director: David Michael Latt

Writer: David Michael Latt, Carlos De Los Rios

Starring: C. Thomas Howell, Andrew Lauer, Rhett Giles

Year released: 2005

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I already reviewed this film’s sequel, thinking at the time it was simply a sequel to the Spielberg version, not this movie. I’m such an ass!

Their synopsis: “An astronomer struggles to reunite with his family after Earth is invaded by an army of Martians.”

My synopsis: Aliens attack, then a guy runs around like a fool trying to get to DC, meeting all sorts of zany characters on the way.

Quick review: It went from good to okay to jesusy to meh.

Pros: Tits? So soon? Impressive. May have just narrowly edged out The Day the Earth Stopped in “Start to Tits” time. The soundtrack was enjoyable, as well.

Cons: The action scenes are horseshit. Too much obvious foreshadowing. Also, I can never tell when people fall over in Asylum films, if it’s supposed to happen, or everyone’s just lazy and they don’t feel like doing another take.

Favorite cameo: Remember the bad guy from The Mask and the rapist from Pulp Fiction? I sure do!

Say a nice thing: Andrew Lauer, formerly of Caroline in the City…fame?, is a fine supporting actor.

Say a mean thing: C. Thomas Howell runs like a retard.

Favorite quote: “A fucking criminal who rapes an old lady has more heart and compassion than your child murderer. Your god. Your fucking numb, blind, evil god!” A straight-shootin’ lady puts the pastor in his stupid, jesusy place.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Am I the only one who saw the lights go on, even though the electricity was out?

Most relatable current event: C. Thomas Howell isn’t the only one who doesn’t know where DC is.

Final review: I don’t go for the god nonsense, but I suppose the pastor was a mostly believable character, though his whole dilemma was rather telegraphed. Every positive was offset by a negative. Some good acting, but a lot of poorly thought-out roles. When the story was interesting, the action was garbage. When the plot stalled…well, no positive here. They’d just insert some ridiculous edit to pick up the pace again. With no place else to go, they finally just decide to end it. Mercifully.

Ranking:

2 bees

The Apocalypse

Title: The Apocalypse

Director: Justin Jones

Writer: Carlos De Los Rios, David Michael Latt

Starring: Rhett Giles, Jill Stapley

Year released: 2007

Their synopsis: “A mother and father search for their only child as a giant asteroid headed for Earth triggers a series of apocalyptic events.”

My synopsis: Too many people blathering on about an imaginary sky monster, not enough shit blowing up.

Quick review (of the first 2.5 minutes): A minute and a half in, a guy gets hit in the chest with a meteor. Thirty seconds later, another guy gets decapitated. So far it’s awesome. Fifteen seconds later, the worst fake fall in cinema history leads to a guy being vaporized on a meteor. It’s just a rock. It doesn’t make any sense at all. Totally ruined the opening.

Pros: The 8-year-old girl was the best actor in the film. If she runs away from Faith Films and The Asylum as fast as she can, she’ll do alright.

Cons: Really shitty lighting in this movie.

Biggest movie cliché: Pretending heaven is real.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Everyone in this movie believes in god, but that’s ridiculous because we all know god doesn’t exist. It being a goddy film also explains why they got so much science wrong.

And another thing, I hate when people are supposed to be brushing their teeth in films/commercials/whatever, but aren’t doing anything except scraping a dry brush atop their molars. It’s almost as silly as believing in god.

Say a nice thing: At one point, a road that’s supposed to be a highway has a sign that says “Speed Limit 15” and that was really funny. I also laughed every time the main character accidentally slipped into his Australian accent.

Say a what-most-would-consider-mean thing: Even if there was a god, I wouldn’t worship it. Cause seriously, fuck god.

Favorite cameo: Shaley Scott made an appearance! She wasn’t nearly as entertaining.

Least favorite cameo: Erica Roby. Booooo.

Most relatable current event: This photo.

Final review: As much god nonsense as there was in this, which annoys me to no end, I’d rather watch this with a congregation of nosy born-agains than watch Monster one more time.

Ranking:

.5 bee