San Andreas Quake

Title: San Andreas Quake

Director: John Baumgartner

Writer: John Baumgartner

Starring: Jhey Castles, Lane Townsend, Grace Van Dien, Jason Woods

Year released: 2015

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): GVD!

Their synopsis: “When a discredited L.A. Seismologist warns of an impending 12.7 earthquake, no one takes her seriously. Now on her own, she races desperately to get her family to safety…”

My synopsis: A seismologist (lowercase ‘s’) finds out her daughter is dating a black guy and is absolutely not cool with it. I mean, she doesn’t say that, but I could tell… Oh, and LA is being destroyed by massive earthquakes.

Quick review: The exact movie you expect it to be. No more, no less.

Pros: An Edison slam. I like a pro-Tesla film.

Cons: Honest to god, whose idea was the hippo attack? Because why?

Biggest movie cliché: White ladies falling down while being chased.

Favorite quote: “Four-way!” Gay guys are always requesting orgies.

Say a mean thing: That’s not your son, lady. That’s a fat, dead Mexican man.

Say another mean thing: Somebody needs to push that chatty old bitch into a chasm.

Say more horrible things: If I was trapped on that elevator with Grace Van Dien, I’d murder the old people and impregnate her. And Nick probably drives around the US raping children in the back of his van.

Least favorite quote: “Hold onto your butts.” Asshole Sam Jackson thieves.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: I don’t want to sound racist, but I can’t believe Ali would date that terrible, big-lipped jigaboo.

Most relatable current event: Life imitates art.

Final review: I don’t know if it was the movie’s racism or mine, but here’s a rundown of James Woods’ character in the film. A black guy who dates a white girl, doesn’t know his father, can’t take care of his car, steals another car, kills some other white lady, and at one point is accused of having a gun. On the other hand, he is making his own way through college to be a seismologist, so I guess he’s not a total stereotype. Still, I should be dating Grace Van Dien’s character, not him. Although I have to say, more a fan of her in Sleeping Beauty than this. Surprisingly, I’m not digging her overly-made-up “rebellious teen” look. …This isn’t much of a film review, is it? Pretty judgmental all around today. More of an indictment on me than the movie, really. …I need a girlfriend…

Ranking:

2.5 bees

 

Megafault

Title: Megafault

Director: David Michael Latt

Writer: Paul Bales

Starring: Brittany Murphy, Eriq La Salle

Year released: 2009

Their synopsis: “A seismologist and a miner must stop a massive earthquake that threatens to tear the world in half.”

My synopsis: “Scientists” try to stop an earthquake by creating another earthquake. Unsurprisingly, this plan backfires.

Quick review: Premise is a bit……shaky. And it’s dull.

Pros: Brittany Murphy was so cute. Why can’t only ugly people die early?

Cons: Why in christ’s name would you leave your kid alone with a trucker? Dan Lane is a terrible father, with a boring name.

Biggest movie cliché: Just outracing an earthquake. Stopping to rubberneck amidst running for your life.

Say a mean thing: Had I recently watched myself in this horseshit, I would have taken a bunch of pills too.

Say a racist thing: Brittany Murphy is a coal-burning race traitor.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Not one human being of importance would be slightly upset if Lexington, Kentucky sank into the earth.

Most relatable current event: #BlackLivesMatter, just not as much as #WhiteLives do, apparently.

Final review: The majority of Megafault takes place in the American Midwest, which is really a perfect representation of this film. Large stretches of nothingness, with mildly interesting stops along the way. And it’s about family. Specifically, white families. It is a foregone conclusion that Brittany Murphy’s underdeveloped character (one of many) and her family will be happily reunited at the end of the movie, so there are no stakes during the tedious, repetitive action sequences. Overall, it’s the kind of Asylum film you’ve seen a hundred times before. Unless, unlike me, you have anything better to do with your time.

Ranking:

2 bees

Apocalypse Pompeii

Title: Apocalypse Pompeii

Director: Ben Demaree

Writer: Steve Bevilacqua, Jacob Cooney, Bill Hanstock

Starring: Adrian Paul, Jhey Castles, Georgina Beedle

Year released: 2014

Their synopsis: “…Mt. Vesuvius erupts with massive force…[a] family fights to survive the deadly onslaught of heat and lava…”

My synopsis: A family that would never exist in real life vacations in Pompeii, has terrible timing.

Quick review: How do you say ‘bland’ in Italian?

Pros: After this film was over, I took an awesome nap.

Cons: A note for The Asylum: Hire better actors, or limit your actors’ emotional ranges.

Biggest movie cliché: Everything regarding the dad being former black ops.

Say a nice thing: That Pierce family sure is an attractive bunch.

Say a mean thing: What in god’s name is on your face, Gianni? It’s disgusting.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Can’t we predict these things now?

Most relatable current event: “Damn! Mount Vesuvius’s pyroclastic flow is R-A-W, R-A-W.” What Ice Cube would have said, were he there. (Cause NWA, get it?)

Final review: The paper-thin characters aren’t even remotely believable, and only exist for the purpose of this film. The daughter who fetishizes volcanoes has a super dad who did vaguely badass stuff in black ops. Sure, that’s relatable… This movie is an example of my least favorite kind of Asylum film. It’s not any good, but it doesn’t suck quite enough to be entertaining. Nothing of interest happens, so I can’t really pull anything from it. At least this snoozer had the decency to be atrocious.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Age of Ice

Title: Age of Ice

Director: Emile Edwin Smith

Writer: Emile Edwin Smith

Starring: Barton Bund, Bailey Spry, Jules Hartley, Joe Cipriano

Year released: 2014

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Almost done with all 2014 Asylum releases.

Their synopsis: “Massive earthquakes open the Arabian tectonic plate, resulting in unstable weather and freezing temperatures…a vacationing family in Egypt must battle the rapidly cooling temperatures that usher in a new Ice Age…”

My synopsis: A guy with rage issues tries to save his family (the same family he most likely beats mercilessly) when a snowstorm hits what is clearly not the Middle East.

Quick review: Watched with a furrowed brow.

Pros: How fucking fun would it be to roll down a snow-covered Great Pyramid? Especially to do it, and miraculously not be covered in any snow whatsoever.

Cons: Visually, this movie is moronic. It’s moronic in several ways, to be sure, but its visuals really stand out as brainless.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Good thing that random Arab guy was driving a brand new (Toyota) production van so you could all fit. Also, did that fucking asshole really just throw everybody’s phones in the snow (Ruining them, obviously.) to act as some impossible-to-see-with-the-human-eye runway lights? That was so stupid.

Favorite quote: “It’s just like LAX on a Monday morning, right?” This may actually be a decent meta-joke about how embarrassingly bad the “Cairo” airport scene looks. Maybe…

Say a nice thing: I sort of enjoyed the foul-mouthed child.

Say a creepy thing: How young is Bailey Spry? Too young to say she looks delicious?

Biggest movie cliché: Suffice to say there are plenty.

Most relatable current event: Holy blue jesus has the upper northeast gotten a lot of snow.

Final review: One of the first things I did was look up where this movie was filmed, because it is most certainly not Egypt. Turns out it’s Detroit. This makes the depressive state I was in while watching the film quite apt. Zing!

Anyway, this is a weird movie. Story-wise it’s odd, as Emile Edwin Smith is constantly going out of his way to try and make the Jones family’s journey (to someplace…) more harrowing than is necessary. Every attempt fails miserably, however, because visually this is an unpleasant and unrealistic film. It’s edited very poorly, as well. It most resembles 500 MPH Storm, but is colder, somehow even dumber, and has slightly more Arabs.

Ranking:

2 bees

Asteroid vs Earth

Title: Asteroid vs Earth

Director: Christopher (Douglas-Olen) Ray

Writer: Adam Lipsius

Starring: Tia Carrere, Jason Brooks, Robert Davi

Year released: 2014

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I don’t really see how an asteroid and the Earth can versus each other.

Their synopsis: “When a shower of massive meteors threatens Earth’s inhabitants with extinction, the world’s greatest minds devise a dangerous plan that will tilt the planet off its axis to avoid the impact.”

My synopsis: This guy wants to bang an Asian girl at a bar, but ends up having to work with her to set off nukes in the Yap Trench. Eventually, I think he probably does end up banging her.

Quick review: It’s not very exciting, but it’s not altogether bad.

Pros: Believable, normal homosexual characters in an Asylum film.

Cons: The movie’s asteroid-avoidance plot is less coherent than Armageddon’s.

Biggest movie cliché: A completely ludicrous, impossible-to-achieve idea to save Earth from asteroidal annihilation actually worked!

Best cameo: Melvin Gregg!

Say a nice thing: I liked the fidgety Asian intern.

Say a mean thing: The only good thing about Davi’s helmet of a hairpiece is that it distracts from his godawful, craterous face.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: That kid in charge of the nukes was far too young to be giving orders. The varying weight of the nuclear warheads was also completely absurd.

Most relatable current event: This could be Asteroid vs Earth 2.

Final review: It’s fairly well-executed, but lord almighty is it boring. I kept having to pause it and go do things, then come back. Perhaps this isn’t the best way to review a film, but it beats sleeping through it (which did happen once) and making this whole thing up. (Although, I’m not sure anyone would know the difference.) More, or just better, action sequences would have helped break up the monotony. Not creating monotony would have also been advisable.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

100° Below Zero

Title: 100° Below Zero

Director: R.D. Braunstein

Writer: H. Perry Horton, Richard Schenkman

Starring: Jeff Fahey, Sara Malakul Lane, Marc Ewins, Judit Fekete

Year released: 2013

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Sara Malakul Lane. (Yes, again.)

Their synopsis: “When a series of volcanic eruptions rips through Europe, the subsequent ash cloud blocks out the sun, plunging the continent into a new ice age.”

My synopsis: People covered with varying amounts of fake snow acting in front of a green screen.

Quick(est) review: Eh.

Notice something: Is Jeff Fahey only in movies where it gets cold?

Pros: Sara Malakul’s low rise jeans. John Rhys-Davies (Sallah from the Indiana Jones franchise) as Colonel Dillard is quite good.

Cons: No one ever actually seems cold.

Biggest movie cliché: The Eiffel Tower being destroyed.

Say a nice thing: For a film called 100° Below Zero, I admire how long the filmmakers managed to keep Sara Malakul in her low-cut t-shirt.

Say a mean thing: There’s no way those guys in the tunnel wouldn’t have murdered Ryan and raped the two girls.

Say a creepy thing: Taryn and Ryan should keep warm by going inside and making brother sister porn.

Least favorite quote: “Well, it is a time for new beginnings. For all of us.” The movie ends on this quote. Ew.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Worst. “Teleconference.” Ever. Those people clearly just won an internet contest to have a line in the film. Also, why is “shortcut” the only English word the cute French girl knows?

Final review: For a movie about an impending ice age and the end of European civilization, there never really seems to be a sense of danger. The typical action set pieces are there (helicopter falling out of the sky, locked doors on a car that’s about to blow up) and the music’s tempo rises, but then…nothing. Nothing but misplaced, trivial banter. “Oh. We’re ok, I guess.” “Next time let’s go to Hawaii!” Zing! The film’s major sin is that it’s boring. Not crushingly so, just boringly so. And for some the reason the green screen scenes are especially bad. It’s bemusing.

Ranking:

2 bees

Arachnoquake

Title: Arachnoquake

Director: Griff Furst

Writer: Eric Forsberg, Paul A. Birkett

Starring: Bug Hall, Olivia Hardt, Eddie Furlong

Year released: 2012

Their synopsis: “Deadly fire breathing spiders are unearthed after a massive earthquake in New Orleans.”

My synopsis: Large pink spiders, either coming out of the ground or people’s necks, that for some reason can breathe fire, attack New Orleans thanks to fracking. It’s about as dumb as it sounds.

Quick review: Stupid. Sometimes purposely so, sometimes not. Poorly acted.

Pros: The soundtrack. The kid taking creepshots. Schoolgirls dancing on a bus. And Petra. Yummy, yummy Petra…

Cons: Deep Blue Sea thievery. Noise on top of noise on top of noise.

Biggest movie cliché: The perpetual screw-up learns to take some responsibility and saves the day! Huzzah!

Biggest suspension of disbelief: No girls’ softball team has ever been that fuckable.

Say a mean thing: When the girl hit the spider with the bat, I felt like murdering everyone I know. It was enraging.

Say mean things specifically about Tina: Choke that loud bitch out! Don’t let her touch the controls! She almost got Petra hurt! Knock that cunt off the goddamn boat!

Say a creepy thing: I’d fuck Petra if she was my sister.

Most relatable current event: When I went down to New Orleans recently for a bachelor party, and later thought I had gonorrhea. Turns out it was a spider bite. (That last part is not true.)

Final review: At certain points, it sounds as though everyone on the screen is simultaneously shouting or arguing or crying. It’s annoying. The screenplay wasn’t great, or really even good, but the story was fine. It’s not difficult to write a storyline when the main premise is “run away from X.” However, you can’t run forever. Eventually, you must kill X (in this case, giant spiders) and the last 10 minutes are an excellent example of how not to write this ending. Why would the spiders shut down like they were computers? It doesn’t make sense, and worse than that, it’s fucking lazy. Overall, I was sort of entertained by this dumb film, though I’m not entirely sure why. Maybe it’s because I like New Orleans, or maybe it’s because it reminded me of The Walking Dead. Whatever the reason, I still don’t recommend watching it.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

2012: Doomsday

Title: 2012: Doomsday

Director: Nick Everhart

Writer: Nick Everhart, Naomi L. Selfman

Starring: people

Year released: 2008

Their synopsis: “In the days leading up to December 21, 2012, four strangers are mysteriously drawn to an ancient temple in the Mexican jungle.”

My synopsis: People in multiple cities across North America combat the impending apocalypse with varying levels of jesusiness.

Quick review: A jesusy version of that dumb Roland Emmerich film, with some Close Encounters of the Third Kind thievery thrown in for good measure.

Pros: Leafcutter ants. I wish this whole movie was 90 minutes of leafcutter ants.

Cons: Six minutes in and there was already a goddamn crucifix. I knew it was gonna be rough.

Biggest movie cliché: The EMT has lost her faith in god, but I’m willing to bet she’ll find it again by the end of the film. (Spoiler alert: she did.)

Say a nice thing: I wouldn’t want a few of the actors to fall down an elevator shaft.

Say a mean thing: I wish an actual “Doomsday” would have happened in the middle of this shitty film so I didn’t have to finish it.

Say a meaner thing: I want that fucking old bitch to die.

Say a racist thing: The Mayans are a stupid race of people.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Do I have to say it again? There’s no god. It’s 2014. Can we all stop pretending? Please?

Most relatable current event: That movie about sexy jesus.

Final review: Fuck this movie, god, and jesus. Seriously, this movie made me so angry. It’s The Apocalypse with a different cast. It’s garbage. A series of ham-handed, preachy conversations about how awesome god is, and if you don’t believe it then there’s something wrong with you. Whether you believe in god or not, this movie will insult your intelligence and make you want to kick jesus right in the cunt.

Ranking:

0 bees

Monster

Title: Monster

Director: Erik Estenberg

Writer: Erik Estenberg, David Michael Latt

Starring: Sarah Lieving, Erin Evans

Year released: 2008

Their synopsis: “Footage of a catastrophic event in Japan reveals that it wasn’t actually an earthquake…it was something else.”

My synopsis: They tried to do Cloverfield in Japan, and oh my god did they fail. Failed on the highest level.

Quick review: First of all, worst title ever. Secondly, I love monster movies. One of my absolute favorite genres, especially in the B-movie category. But I hated the holy shit outta this garbage.

Pros: Clearly they’re not pros. They’re amateurs. Rank amateurs.

Cons: It seems that to try and establish a sense of realism, Latt, Lynch, and Sullivan decided to either not use a script, or use a very skeletal script. That’s a risky choice, particularly when none of them has any discernible filmmaking talent. Painful.

Biggest movie cliché: America being blamed for shit, I guess. And Asians being depicted as though they’re from another planet.

Say a nice thing: I liked that they got hurt and later died. Too bad it didn’t actually happen.

Say a mean thing: I wish that instead of Japan, Sarah and Erin went to Aruba to make a movie and met Joran van der Sloot.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: I’d sooner believe Kraken lives in my asshole than half of the shit that goes on in this utter miscue of a film. There was zero quality control.

Most relatable current event: Whatever earthquake happened most recently.

Final review: I was just so disappointed with this mess of a film. I think they were trying, but that almost makes it worse. Overacting, underacting, bad acting. Mindless editing. Truly abysmal.

Ranking:

0 bees

Fuck this movie.