Title: Piranhaconda
Director: Jim Wynorski
Writer: J. Brad Wilke, Mike MacLean
Starring: Rib Hillis, Terri Ivens, Shandi Finnessey, Michael Madsen
Year released: 2012
Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Somehow, this is the sequel to Sharktopus.
Their synopsis: “Life imitates art when a horror film crew encounters a half fish, half snake monster!”
My synopsis: Bad actresses with big tits get eaten by a large fish-headed serpent. Something about ransom.
Quick review: I’m not sure it’s worse than Sharktopus, but I’m also not sure it’s better.
Pros: Very attractive women.
Cons: Mike MacLean wrote it. He should have his goddamn hands chopped off.
Biggest movie cliché: The scientist’s theft of the creature’s egg turns out to be a bad idea.
Least favorite quote: Stop saying, “Leilani!”
Say a nice thing: I hate to admit this, but I actually smiled at one of the meta-jokes. It wasn’t out of amusement, but out of “I can’t believe you just said that. You son of a bitch…”
Say a mean thing: I’d rather have somebody cut my ear off and set me on fire than watch this movie again.
Biggest suspension of disbelief: I can’t believe how much I like the Piranhaconda’s theme song. I should be shot. The Sharktopus has a theme song too, which I apparently overlooked. Also quite catchy.
Most relatable current event: New Jersey’s stealth anaconda.
Final review: The more I review this movie, the more I realize I basically just rewatched Sharktopus. That’s why this counts as the sequel, because it’s just as painfully dreadful. The same awful meta-jokes, the same horrible acting, the same ending, the same rage slowly building inside me. Perhaps the only reason I don’t hate it as much as its predecessor is because I haven’t watched a godawful B movie in about a month, and I don’t remember how annoyed I should be.
Ranking:
1.5 bees
The B Movie Review 