Cowboys vs Dinosaurs

Title: Cowboys vs Dinosaurs

Director: Ari Novak

Writer: Anthony Fankhauser, Rafael Jordan

Starring: Rib Hillis, Casey Fitzgerald, Kelcey Watson

Year released: 2015

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I’m not sure I remember how to do this; I’m just trying to stave off crippling depression. Things are…not going well.

Their synopsis: “When an accidental mine explosion releases dinosaurs, the citizens of an Old West frontier town must defend themselves against the prehistoric menace.”

My synopsis: Dozens of theropods, including one T. rex, that have apparently been living underground for millions of years (surviving on god knows what) are brought to the surface, and begin killing desert trash for sport. The last part I understand.

Quick review: I don’t think any of these people are actually cowboys.

Pros: Some mildly attractive girl with a terrible tattoo let a river masturbate her.

Cons: It’s like they’ve never even heard of dinosaurs. And why are all these young, hot women dating gross old guys?

Biggest movie cliché: Doesn’t seem like this small-town, power-hungry sheriff has his priorities in line.

Say a nice thing: The triumphant return of serious thespian Sara Malakul Lane. Here she is with her tits on a skateboard.

Say a sarcastic thing: Eric Roberts playing a washed-up, alcoholic burnout? I don’t buy it.

Say a creepy thing: That dead girl’s camel toe was really turning me on.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Wait a second, were they trying to pass off a radar gun as a Geiger counter? (Oh, methane detector. Still stupid.)

Most relatable current event: Dinosaurs it has none, but Westworld is a goddamn good show.

Final review: The dinosaurs are very clearly physical manifestations of loneliness. They’re ever-present, perpetually simmering just below the surface. The mine is representative of the human psyche, and the message the film is trying to convey, is that there is great danger in carelessly and consistently mining for a positive outcome, as the overwhelming onslaught of self-doubt and isolation is all but assured. It will feast on your flesh. Consume you.

Our protagonist, Valex, is a friendless wanderer, who has returned home after failing to find any true semblance of love or meaning outside of the world in which he grew up. And yet, he still cannot find peace, because the only people he genuinely cares about have moved on with their lives, leaving him to flounder and drown in his unnecessary, useless existence. In order to find “actual” happiness, the reciprocal love of a woman, Val must literally jump off of a goddamn cliff, while simultaneously fighting the fact (/dinosaur) that he will always be alone, in life and in death. So really, what’s the difference?

Is it better to live, conscious of your unending loneliness, or simply die, and be free of the suffering? …Or I could be projecting all that, and this movie is just retarded.

Ranking:

2 bees

Almighty Thor

Title: Almighty Thor

Director: Christopher (Douglas-Olen) Ray

Writer: Erik Estenberg

Starring: Cody Deal, Richard Grieco, Patricia Velasquez

Year released: 2011

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): The last movie I watched written by Erik Estenberg was Monster. Off to a bad start already.

Their synopsis: “When the demon god Loki destroys the fortress of Valhalla and steals the Hammer of Invincibility, only the young hero Thor can protect Earth from armageddon.”

My synopsis: Just about the worst goddamn interpretation of Norse mythology you’ll ever find.

Quick review: We may be able to control our own fate, but nobody can control the direction of this meandering dogshit.

Pros: I love Marta! She was great in El Amor Prohibido. Should’ve won the Desi.

Cons: I swear to christ the opening has been used in like nine other Asylum films. And why is there an uzi?

Biggest movie cliché: The whole fucking thing. The hero is worthy, but not quite ready. Courageous, yet immature. He is trained by so-and-so, needs to blah blah blah, and so on. Jesus god…

Say a silly thing: Kevin Nash, perhaps best known as the co-founder of nWo, plays Odin even better than dumb ol’ Anthony Hopkins!

Say a mean thing: I’ve only just learned that “Erik Estenberg” is the same person as “Eric Forsberg.” As if I didn’t already want to decapitate that sneaky jew with a shovel…

Say another mean thing: The fight coordinator for this film should be beaten to death like Gaddafi.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Cody Deal playing the lead. Shane Van Dyke very clearly should have played Thor.

Most relatable current event: In the lead-up to Infinity War, James Gunn is awfully high on the new Captain America.

Final review: It’s kind of hard to tell whether the writing is making the actors worse, or if the actors are making the writing worse. Either way, it’s still worse. I mean, my god is it worse… In one supposedly emotional scene, where Thor is realizing he may not have all the answers, some lady pushing her kid in a stroller wanders into the shot, and stares at the camera. This seriously fucking happens. Sixty-three minutes into the movie. AND THEY LEFT IT IN!!! Are you kidding me?! I honestly cannot tell if anyone involved in Almighty Thor is even trying, or if this is the best they can do. They should all feel bad about themselves regardless.

Ranking:

1.5 bees

Hercules Reborn

Title: Hercules Reborn

Director: Nick Lyon

Writer: Jim Hemphill, Jose Montesinos

Starring: John Hennigan, Christian Oliver, Dylan Vox

Year released: 2014

Their synopsis: “When a young man’s bride is kidnapped by an evil king, he turns to Hercules for help. The fallen hero has been living in exile…Together, they fight to rescue the bride and reclaim Hercules’ honor.”

My synopsis: Out of nowhere, some guy remembers some dude named Hercules is a bad motherfucker who can maybe help him overthrow some other guy who decided he wanted to be king.

Quick review: “The Rock woulda been fucked these niggas up.” -WorldStar commenter-

Pros: The sets weren’t good, but I was expecting worse.

Cons: The armor looked plastic, and not one thing the “comic relief” said was funny.

Biggest movie cliché: Villains slowly attacking a single man one by one.

Favorite quote: “Cunt.” The appropriate response when a woman, literally or figuratively, stabs you in the back.

Say a nice thing: Goddamn, Hercules is cut the fuck up! Turns out, John Hennigan is a wrestler who goes by John Morrison/Johnny Mundo. I was wondering why Hercules frog splashed some guy in the middle of a fight scene. (I’m serious. That actually happened.)

Say a mean thing: I thought Nikos was gay until he raped Arius’s wife.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Sure, let’s just shoehorn Hercules in like that. What the fuck is going on here?

Best? cameo: James Duval. (Miguel, Randy Quaid’s eldest kid from Independence Day.) I knew I recognized that guy.

Most relatable current event: New HEMA documentary, if you’re interested in a nerdgasm.

Final review: A few things really bothered me. Firstly, the modern dialogue written into ancient Greece. I’m not asking for a great deal of historical accuracy with the language, but I do expect better than “I’m totally the best man!” and lines of this ilk. Jim Hemphill is apparently to blame for the godawful screenplay, and I’d be much obliged if he never picked up a pen again. Second, I hated the casting for two of the three main leads. I didn’t buy Christian Oliver as the heroic Arius. He looked more like a homeschooled teenager who’s into obscure sports. Duckpin bowling or something. And Dylan Vox as Nikos looked (and acted) like a shitty alt comic. Hercules being made the outright lead would have resulted in a better film.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

 

Avengers Grimm

Title: Avengers Grimm

Director: Jeremy M. Inman

Writer: Jeremy M. Inman

Starring: Casper Van Dien, Lauren Parkinson

Year released: 2015

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I was working really hard this summer at a job I actually liked. I’d apologize for my absence, but I’m pretty sure you don’t care/aren’t reading this anyway.

Their synopsis: “When Rumpelstiltskin destroys the Magic Mirror and escapes to the modern world, the four princesses…are sucked through the portal too. Well-trained and endowed with magical powers, they must fight Rumpelstiltskin and his army of thralls before he enslaves everyone one earth.”

My synopsis: Semi-attractive, middle-aged witches (none of whom can act) are magically transported to 2015 Los Angeles. None of them end up in porn. Completely unrealistic.

Quick review: It’s been awhile, but I’m quite certain the acting was especially godawful. Story was meh.

Pros: Justine Herron. Yum.

Cons: I don’t understand why everyone hates Little Red Riding Hood.

Biggest movie cliché: Don’t these bitches have magic or something? Why are they using it so selectively?

MFK: This is a tough one. Marry Sleeping Beauty. Fuck Rapunzel. Kill Snow White. I’m unsure where Cinderella lands. (Probably fuck.)

Say a nice thing: Red’s jump-table-roll thing was badass. She’s also gorgeous.

Say a mean thing: 99% of tribal tattoos are totally gay, and Kimo was a shitty, juiced-up fighter.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: The junkie’s teeth were too nice. And I don’t understand how Rumpelstiltskin got voted in as mayor so quickly.

Most relatable current event: I can’t decide if Mayor Rumpelstiltskin or Mayor de Blasio is ruining their city more.

Final review: Is it really that hard to kill a mayor? Give me a month, I could kill the mayor of any major city. Guaranteed. Anyway…the story doesn’t make any sense, and only serves the purpose of transferring our mythical, magical characters into the present, because Jeremy Inman thought that’d be cool. Unfortunately, none of the characters’ abilities are defined particularly well, nor do they even use them that often. Oh, and the mob is involved. Cause why not? The acting is dreadful, and Lou Ferrigno’s lisp is distracting. ‘Iron John’ is not the name of a fearsome villain; it’s the name of a gay porn actor. Regretfully, a sequel is probable.

Ranking:

2 bees

Grimm’s Snow White

Title: Grimm’s Snow White

Director: Rachel (Lee) Goldenberg

Writer: Naomi L. Selfman

Starring: Eliza Bennett, Jamie Thomas King, Jane March

Year released: 2012

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I can’t find any more Asylum titles on Netflix. Sad face.

Their synopsis: “When the King is killed by ferocious reptile beasts, his Queen takes control of the kingdom. She tries to kill her beautiful stepdaughter SNOW, but she escapes into the enchanted forest…”

My synopsis: I’ll let Netflix take this one, “Unlike the big screen versions, this low budget take adds dragons and other twists into the tale of an evil queen and her beautiful stepdaughter.”

Quick review: Overly complicated nonsense.

Pros: Dungeon sex.

Cons: Seriously? No midgets? Come on, man…

Biggest movie cliché: Stepmoms are bitches.

Say a kinda nice thing: Gwendolyn is a sexy, trampy queen.

Say a kinda mean thing: I mean, I guess Eliza Bennett is attractive. Sort of…

Biggest suspension of disbelief: That one “straight” elf seemed awfully angry to have the fairest maiden in all the land resting in his bed… It’s ok, Orlando, we’re all cool here. Go ahead and say it out loud. You’ll feel much better once you do.

Most relatable current event: Stepparents are embarrassing.

Final review: Why not just make a movie based on the original Brothers Grimm story? It’s an awesome fairy tale, which ends with the queen being “forced to step into [the] red-hot shoes and dance until she fell down dead.” Fucking evil! However, instead of fiery iron sneakers, the viewer is subject to a different kind of gruesome torture. The slow, painful torture of boredom and superfluousness. I cannot see any point whatsoever in adding dragons, demon dogs, amulets, and magic fires to Snow White. They are entirely useless additions. And the attempt to weave all of this drivel into an intelligible plot is poorly executed. The Asylum and modesty simply do not mix.

Ranking:

2 bees

Sherlock Holmes

Title: Sherlock Holmes

Director: Rachel (Lee) Goldenberg

Writer: Paul Bales

Starring: Ben Syder, Gareth David-Lloyd, Dominic Keating

Year released: 2010

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): It’s going off Netflix in a week! Hurry!! While you still have time!!!

Their synopsis: “Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s famous detective faces the ultimate challenge when enormous monsters attack London.”

My synopsis: Holmes and Watson have to figure out why Londoners are seeing monsters. And by monsters, I don’t mean other hideous-looking, late 19th-century Londoners.

Quick review: I suppose it was decent enough.

Pros: They didn’t completely butcher the idea of Sherlock Holmes.

Cons: The five minutes of Dr. Watson partially descending a mountain face has to rank as one of the most pointless scenes in Asylum history. Clumsily done and immeasurably worthless.

Biggest movie cliché: Don’t worry, all the Sherlock Holmes catchphrases are ever so discreetly jammed into your auditory canal.

Favorite quote: “Sensationalist claptrap!” Perhaps The Asylum should consider changing its name.

Say a nice thing: Miss Ivory can take a good choking. I like her.

Say a mean thing: Compared to Benedict Cumberbatch, Ben Syder portrays Sherlock Holmes with the grace of a sugar-addled retarded child trying to lick his shoulder blades.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Are you serious? How and why is there a fucking dragon in this?! Goddammit…

Most relatable current event: The latest on BBC’s Sherlock.

Final review: The character of Sherlock Holmes takes an event which seems supernatural or impossible, and logically explains how such a mystery could happen, via his superior intellect. Thankfully, The Asylum understands this. I was worried for a second. The plot is still really stupid, don’t get me wrong, but at least there wasn’t an actual Kraken that Sherlock Holmes had to fight. Although, the ending chase scene featuring a hot air balloon/helicopter with a machine gun trying to shoot down a giant robot dragon may be worse. I haven’t decided. Overall, I expected it to be worse than it was. Recasting Sherlock and rewriting the villain’s motivations would have improved the film greatly.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Sleeping Beauty

Title: Sleeping Beauty

Director: Casper Van Dien

Writer: R. Dessertine, Casper Van Dien

Starring: Finn Jones, Olivia d’Abo, Edward Lewis French

Year released: 2014

Their synopsis: “When a young prince and his trusted aide learn of a beautiful Princess’s cursed eternal slumber, they embark on a journey to rescue her. They must battle an evil queen and legions of undead monsters before she will be free.”

My synopsis: A group of (at the very least) bi-curious men go on a confusing, generally unnecessary quest.

Quick review: None of this made sense, or was interesting. At all.

Pros: Oh my god. Grace Van Dien, please.

Cons: I’ve never seen anyone less affected by the death of a sibling.

Biggest movie cliché: Rampant homosexual undertones.

Say a mean thing: Olivia d’Abo is fucking terrible in this.

Say a creepy thing: Which lips can I kiss on Princess Dawn to wake her up?

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Prince Jayson is looking for a princess? An actual, female princess? Haha, sure he is…

Most relatable current event: Go to your regular news site right now. Somewhere, there’s most likely a story about how you’re not getting enough, or the right kind of, sleep.

Final review: I did a fair bit of sleeping of my own during this movie. It’s lack of intelligible plot lulled me into a nice nap. I rewound, and tried a second time. Still got nothing. I suppose the film isn’t really all that bad, it’s just so incoherent. It’s also full of superfluous characters, a number of whom come back into the story arbitrarily, because sure, why not? The movie is just fucking everywhere. And goddamn you for the eventual sequel. If Grace Van Dien isn’t in it, there’s no way I’m watching. She’s a goddess.

Ranking:

2 bees

Hansel vs Gretel

Title: Hansel vs Gretel

Director: Ben Demaree

Writer: Jose Prendes

Starring: Brent Lydic, Lili Baross, Aqueela Zoll (terrible name, so hot)

Year released: 2015

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): The Asylum’s latest release. Just reviewed the original.

Their synopsis: “Trapped under a dark spell, Gretel assembles a coven of witches that terrorizes the town until Hansel finds the courage to fight his sister and the sinister forces that control her.”

My synopsis: Witches be trippin’.

Quick review: Exactly as watchable as the first.

Pros: Would you fuck a teenage demon cheerleader witch? I’d fuck a teenage demon cheerleader witch.

Cons: Conspicuously absent? The talented and gorgeous Stephanie Greco. Although, to be fair, Lili Baross wasn’t bad.

Biggest movie cliché: Why do witches always have to wear black? With her skin tone, I think the Indian one would have looked nice in pastels.

Favorite quote: “Please fucking explain why you tore off our grandmother’s head!”

Say a nice thing: My favorite was the witch that licked everything. God, what a creep.

Say a mean thing: You saw a witch burrow into the ground like a gopher? No you fucking didn’t, you fucking liar.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: What kind of cryptic-ass witches lead you on a scavenger hunt?

Most relatable current event: Germany is fucking weird.

Final review: I’m not sure what I can say that would be different from my review of the first Asylum Hansel and Gretel movie. The villains are kind of silly, and the ending is arbitrary and dumb. If nothing else, I suppose Jose Prendes is consistently mediocre in his filmic witch-writing abilities. Hansel vs Gretel is not as rooted in the original fairy tale as its predecessor, which is bad news, but there are elements of Blade in this, which is good. We’ll call it even. I’m going to assume Prendes will eventually get around to penning a third film, so let’s all just wait and see how that one goes.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Clash of the Empires

Title: Clash of the Empires (Also known as: Lord of the Elves)

Director: Joseph J. Lawson

Writer: Eric Forsberg

Starring: Sum Korng, Khom Lyly, Srogn

Year released: 2012

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Via IMDB Trivia: “Originally titled ‘Age of the Hobbits’ until Warner Bros/New Line Cinema, MGM and Saul Zaentz sued The Asylum.” Haha.

Their synopsis: “In an ancient age, peace-loving tribe are enslaved by a race of flesh-eating dragon-riders. The young tribesman Goben must join forces with their neighbor giants, the humans, to free his people and vanquish their enemies.”

My synopsis: Rock people kidnap some tree people, then a stone-headed black guy and a hot Asian chick help the remaining tree people save their brethren.

Quick review: I swear to god, this may be the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. It’s historically terrible, but nonstop laughs. It’s a masterpiece of shit.

Pros: The dubbed American voices are hysterical. Not sure if the actors’ English was that harsh, or the producers just didn’t care for the high-pitched midget voice.

More pros: The “dragons” are giant komodo dragons. I can accept this. Also, the return of giant spiders!

Biggest movie cliché: The obstinate tribal chief is a bit of a pill, huh? I’ll bet he never changes his ways in the nick of time!

Favorite quote: “Earth Mother, thank you for your goodness.” “All the same! …To me!” And a plethora of others. The shoddily dubbed-in voices are so fantastic.

Say a nice thing: Bai Ling is gorgeous. How is she almost 50?

Say a crass thing: Omi wants to fuck Amthar so bad, but his dick’s probably bigger than her body. I don’t see how that’s going to work physically.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Not sure how the constant, sharp bursts of laughter didn’t puncture my lungs.

Most relatable current event: AirAsia Flight 8501 crashed in Indonesia. That is an apt comparison.

Final review: I’m fairly certain they didn’t intend to make the best worst film ever, but this has it all. There’s a hot chick, midgets, godawful dialogue, horrible editing, hilarious voice dubbing, embarrassingly bad fight sequences, mythical creatures, abysmal acting, emotional strikeouts, ludicrous plot turns, and so much more. Normally, I reserve the higher rankings for movies that are actually decent, but Clash of the Empires is such a catastrophic abortion of awesomeness that it deserves the highest ranking I can give. Congratulations to all parties involved! You’ve got quite a failure on your hands!

Ranking:

4 bees

Dragon Crusaders

Title: Dragon Crusaders

Director: Mark Atkins

Writer: Mark Atkins

Starring: Dylan Jones, Cecily Fay, Shinead Byrne

Year released: 2011

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I don’t want to watch another Mark Atkins dragon movie right now, but this is going off Netflix, which unfortunately means I have to.

Their synopsis: “A group of fugitive Knights Templar attacks a pirate ship and they are cursed to turn into hideous monsters. To fight the curse and ultimately save the world, they must defeat the wizard-dragon who is determined to destroy it.”

My synopsis: A shitty orphan witch, who is admittedly pretty hot, can only cast vague curses, which leads to the accidental gargoyling of some runaway knights.

Quick review: Same dragon, different day.

Pros: The fight scenes are generally not terrible. And whose idea was it to put both women on the same horse? Genius.

Cons: All this curse business is just lazy, bullshit writing.

Biggest movie cliché: The worst dragon is always “the black dragon.” Racist…

Say a nice thing: Cecily Fay is a sexy badass.

Say a mean thing: Mark Atkins is a dragon cuckold who has no understanding of how to make a decent film.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Not sure I buy Spandex existing in this ancient, magical realm.

Most relatable current event: The store owner that Mike Brown robbed for cigarettes probably called him a “brack dragon” after he left. Probably.

Final review: It’s always just the same damn thing, isn’t it? A sorcerer, witches, knights and dragons, peasants… The genre should be left alone, unless you can actually write a story that’s not only semi-interesting, but plausible. And I don’t mean plausible by normal standards; Asylum standards will do just fine. But no, Mark Atkins and his raging dragon boner will not leave well enough alone. Oh my god with this fucking guy and dragons! It’s so annoying. This is, however, his least shitty dragon film I’ve seen, but he’s got one with Nazis that I’ve yet to review. Not gonna lie, kind of looking forward to it. In six months or so.

Ranking:

2.5 bees