Flight World War II

Title: Flight World War II

Director: Emile Edwin Smith

Writer: Jacob Cooney, Bill Hanstock

Starring: Faran Tahir, Matias Ponce, Aqueela Zoll, Robbie Kay

Year released: 2015

Their synopsis: “Caught in a battle between Allied and German forces, the passengers of a modern day 757 fight to stay alive after their plane mysteriously travels back in time to 1940…”

My synopsis: A passenger jet finds itself in an alternate, WWII reality. Unfortunately, this alternate reality still includes Nazis, and those dirty Krauts try to shoot down the plane.

Quick review: Flight World War Snooze! Hi-yooo!!

Pros: The co-pilot looks just like Jimmy Fallon. It made me chuckle.

Cons: Sergeant Turner can fight, but he sure as shit can’t act. And ‘International Airlines’ is an awful name for an airline. Is every single flight international? Is that even a sustainable business model?

Biggest movie cliché: Poor man’s Ray Liotta is an irritable passenger who needs answers now, lady!

Favorite nonexistent, anti-Semitic quote: How funny would it be if after that one guy said, “We can prevent the Holocaust!” someone yelled out, “Ah, fuck ‘em anyway!”

Say a nice thing: The astonishingly poorly-named Aqueela Zoll is unfairly gorgeous. I mean, good lord…

Say a mean thing: The astonishingly poorly-named Aqueela Zoll is the goddamn nosiest stewardess I’ve ever seen. Mind your business, bitch.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Really? No one questioned the Arab pilot?! He’s the first one I’d blame.

Most relatable current event: Should’ve pulled this maneuver in the first place.

Final review: Ok, I’ll bite. A passenger jet goes back in time to WWII. However, I simply will not buy a 757 outmaneuvering multiple German fighter planes, whilst simultaneously taking no serious damage. You have to draw the line somewhere. I get it, it’s hard to sustain a film based entirely in an airplane, but come on… Just write the planes out. Put the 757 in peril some other way. “Oh no! The unbelievably attractive flight attendant keeps removing her clothes and straddling the pilots! They can’t concentrate! We’re all gonna die! Ahhhhh!” Something like that, maybe. Regardless, it’s not an exciting film. Interesting, but not exciting. I’m never under the illusion that the plane will crash, so it’s ninety minutes of waiting until the plane touches down again. Whoo-hoo.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Grimm’s Snow White

Title: Grimm’s Snow White

Director: Rachel (Lee) Goldenberg

Writer: Naomi L. Selfman

Starring: Eliza Bennett, Jamie Thomas King, Jane March

Year released: 2012

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I can’t find any more Asylum titles on Netflix. Sad face.

Their synopsis: “When the King is killed by ferocious reptile beasts, his Queen takes control of the kingdom. She tries to kill her beautiful stepdaughter SNOW, but she escapes into the enchanted forest…”

My synopsis: I’ll let Netflix take this one, “Unlike the big screen versions, this low budget take adds dragons and other twists into the tale of an evil queen and her beautiful stepdaughter.”

Quick review: Overly complicated nonsense.

Pros: Dungeon sex.

Cons: Seriously? No midgets? Come on, man…

Biggest movie cliché: Stepmoms are bitches.

Say a kinda nice thing: Gwendolyn is a sexy, trampy queen.

Say a kinda mean thing: I mean, I guess Eliza Bennett is attractive. Sort of…

Biggest suspension of disbelief: That one “straight” elf seemed awfully angry to have the fairest maiden in all the land resting in his bed… It’s ok, Orlando, we’re all cool here. Go ahead and say it out loud. You’ll feel much better once you do.

Most relatable current event: Stepparents are embarrassing.

Final review: Why not just make a movie based on the original Brothers Grimm story? It’s an awesome fairy tale, which ends with the queen being “forced to step into [the] red-hot shoes and dance until she fell down dead.” Fucking evil! However, instead of fiery iron sneakers, the viewer is subject to a different kind of gruesome torture. The slow, painful torture of boredom and superfluousness. I cannot see any point whatsoever in adding dragons, demon dogs, amulets, and magic fires to Snow White. They are entirely useless additions. And the attempt to weave all of this drivel into an intelligible plot is poorly executed. The Asylum and modesty simply do not mix.

Ranking:

2 bees

Ardennes Fury

Title: Ardennes Fury

Director: Joseph J. Lawson

Writer: Joseph J. Lawson, Stephen Llorens

Starring: Tom Stedham, Lauren Vera

Year released: 2014

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Another Joe Lawson joint, because he drunkenly stumbled across this blog one time is a big fan.

Their synopsis: “As the Battle of the Bulge rages on, an American tank unit gets trapped behind Nazi lines. With just hours before the bombs of Operation Ardennes Fury fall, the tank’s commander makes the risky decision to rescue an orphanage.”

My synopsis: Human men shoot guns, whilst CGI tanks shoot cannons. Repeat.

Quick review: 1990’s me would say it’s “a’ight.”

Pros: Cool (real) WWII footage and M1 Garands. Sister Claudette running in slow motion.

Cons: It was probably rude of me to start laughing when the nun stepped on that land mine. And god, Nazis are such dicks.

Biggest movie cliché: Some lady freaking out cause her kid died. Get a grip, crybaby!

Biggest suspension of disbelief: German tank 36 was clearly made of papier-mache, but the stupidest scene was when a bomb exploded ten feet from two guys, who then immediately got up and had a knife fight.

Say a nice thing: That Joseph J. Lawson sure is a nice, handsome fella. Go check out his Facebook. What a swell fella!

Say a mean thing: Why are you trying to save orphans? Nobody cares about orphans. That’s why they’re orphans.

Smallest suspension of disbelief: Men doing something dangerous for a gorgeous girl. Also, women being liars.

Most relatable current event: Fury is out on DVD. I really enjoyed that movie.

Final review: “Plodding” is the word I would use to best describe this movie. It’s put together well enough, but it’s not the most compelling thing you’ll ever watch. I wanted to give my new best friend a great score, especially on a film I was excited to see, but it’s an average movie, so it will get an average rating. No playing favorites here, Joe! I’ve never given a film set in a women’s prison where everyone is super horny a higher rating than it deserved.

And will no one let Joseph Lawson put subtitles in a film? Nazi privates should not be speaking English.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Transmorphers

Title: Transmorphers

Director: Leigh Scott

Writer: Leigh Scott

Starring: Matthew Wolf, Eliza Swenson, Griff Furst

Year released: 2007

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Of all The Asylum’s cunty titles, this one tends to be people’s favorite. Because it’s not so much a similar, yet less interesting title, more than it is a spelling change. Let’s hope they gave more of a shit making the film than naming it.

Their synopsis: “A band of humans fights back against the alien machines that rule Earth.”

My synopsis: People living hundreds of years in the future shoot really shoddy-looking plastic guns at poorly-rendered 2D versions of robots.

Quick review: Like a less entertaining Terminator Salvation (though this film did come first), with a little Return of the Jedi thrown in. Probably some Matrix in there too. And shit. An olio of shit and better films.

Pros: One of their pet names for the Transmorphers is “Z bot.” Remember Zbots?! I fucking loved Zbots.

Cons: Do you know how hard it is to make a cat fight between six attractive women boring? That’s gotta be some kind of record.

Biggest movie cliché: The shady commanding general has ulterior motives? Gasp!

Say a nice thing: I like the doctor who built sex robots. Seems like a good egg.

Say a mean thing: I think it cost $11 to make this goddamn movie.

Say a sarcastic thing: I very much appreciate being blinded by all the awesome lights they had pointing directly at the camera.

Notice something: Leigh Scott loves lesbians.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Am I suppose to believe that lacrosse pads, spray painted black, are the future of military technological armor?

Most relatable current event: The Los Angeles underground.

Final review: It felt like this movie was made in 1992, not 2007. The special effects were especially poor, but the battle scenes were ok. Not sure all of the setup was needed, and the first half could’ve been edited better. I liked the twist, but it’s still not very well done.

Ranking:

2 bees

Final Encounter/For the Cause

Title: Final Encounter (Also known as: For the Cause)

Director: David Douglas, Tim Douglas

Writer: David Douglas, Christopher Salazar

Starring: Dean Cain, Justin Whalin, Jodi Bianca Wise

Year released: 2000

Their synopsis: “Two human colonies on a distant planet are locked in a brutal hundred-year war until a group of brave soldiers decides it’s time to end the fighting.”

My synopsis: Six people from one town cross some mountains to deliver some metallic object to some other town in the hope destroying it or something and ending some war.

Quick review: It was like a longer, more violent, and less cohesive version of a Dora the Explorer episode.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: The communication system of touching, or not touching, seemingly any point on the side of one’s head. Also, that the one-liners were supposed to be funny.

Pros: The special effects were well done. Nonsensical and pointless, but well done.

Cons: You know what always helps a film? Zero explanation of anything that’s happening.

Biggest movie cliché: Name any war movie cliché and this film has it.

Say a nice thing: I didn’t die watching it.

Say a mean thing: I want Dean Cain to fall off a horse and break his neck.

Unnecessary spoiler: Sadly, there’s a happy ending.

Most relatable current event: The unrelenting and unwinnable War on Terror.

Final review: I don’t want to call it interesting and engaging, those terms are too strong, but it was almost both of those. If you can make it past the first 20 minutes, it becomes a semi-watchable film.

Ranking:

2 bees