Adopting Terror

Title: Adopting Terror

Director: Micho Rutare

Writer: Nik Frank-Lehrer, Micho Rutare

Starring: Sean Astin, Samaire Armstrong, Brendan Fehr

Year released: 2012

Their synopsis: “Tim and Cheryl Broadbent are excited to finally adopt Mona, a beautiful baby girl. But when the baby’s biological father starts stalking them, their world turns upside down…”

My synopsis: A man who is inexplicably not in prison for second-degree murder (and has a godawful haircut) creepily tries to reclaim his daughter from her new, lame parents.

Quick review: The least surprising thing ever put to film.

Pros: Remember Family Ties? I like that show.

Cons: You took seven seconds to explain why the bad guy was not behind bars. It was not sufficient. And what kind of asshole runs in the middle of the street and doesn’t move when he sees a car coming?

Biggest movie cliché: The first 90 minutes.

Favorite quote: “He left about a week ago.” (Week ago!)

Say a mean thing: What in jesus’ name happened to Samaire Armstrong? She looks like a grandmother.

Say another mean thing: Adoptive parents try too goddamn hard. Just accept that “your” child will always consider you second best.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: So is the bad guy an exterminator or a landscaper?

Most relatable current event: Some cunty religious chick who has a reality show wants to adopt kids, which apparently qualifies as “news” nowadays.

Final review: What I hate most is that the filmmakers thought they were being clever. This is one of the least suspenseful, most predictable movies I’ve ever seen. As such, it takes forever to play out. It’s not an altogether bad film, but it’s certainly lazy. Not one original thought was had by either man given a writing credit. “Hey, doesn’t all this seem kind of familiar to you?” How this question was not asked by anyone of importance during the creation, production, and/or filming of this movie is by far a bigger mystery than this film purports itself to be.

Ranking:

2 bees

The Amityville Haunting

Title: The Amityville Haunting

Director: Geoff Meed

Writer: Geoff Meed probably

Starring: Nadine Crocker, less attractive other people

Year released: 2011

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): They took it off Netflix without telling me. Have to watch it on Hulu with ads.

Their synopsis: “Actual found footage that documents the horrifying experience of a family that moved into the infamous haunted house.”

My synopsis: A murderable family is murdered. Justice.

Quick review: Exhausting.

Pros: I like the idea of breaking into haunted houses to fuck.

Cons: Arguably the worst actors ever assembled for a found footage movie.

Big suspension of disbelief: Wait a second, why’d the ghost take a nap for 32 years?

Biggest movie cliché: That military dad sure is strict.

Say a creepy thing: I kept fantasizing about Lori choking me while we have sex.

Say a mean thing: Devin Clark’s stupid face should be caved in with a brick.

Bigger suspension of disbelief: I don’t believe this family exists more than I believe ghosts don’t exist.

Most relatable current event: Here’s another Long Island murderer.

Final review: Watching this movie is a fucking chore. The least natural found footage film in existence. It has to be. The Nissan Rogue ad I watched halfway through was a goddamn epic compared this dogshit. The Amityville Haunting evokes hatred and anger. What I saw was real. Real terrible. Geoff Meed is a loathsome individual.

Ranking:

1 bee

Age of Ice

Title: Age of Ice

Director: Emile Edwin Smith

Writer: Emile Edwin Smith

Starring: Barton Bund, Bailey Spry, Jules Hartley, Joe Cipriano

Year released: 2014

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Almost done with all 2014 Asylum releases.

Their synopsis: “Massive earthquakes open the Arabian tectonic plate, resulting in unstable weather and freezing temperatures…a vacationing family in Egypt must battle the rapidly cooling temperatures that usher in a new Ice Age…”

My synopsis: A guy with rage issues tries to save his family (the same family he most likely beats mercilessly) when a snowstorm hits what is clearly not the Middle East.

Quick review: Watched with a furrowed brow.

Pros: How fucking fun would it be to roll down a snow-covered Great Pyramid? Especially to do it, and miraculously not be covered in any snow whatsoever.

Cons: Visually, this movie is moronic. It’s moronic in several ways, to be sure, but its visuals really stand out as brainless.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Good thing that random Arab guy was driving a brand new (Toyota) production van so you could all fit. Also, did that fucking asshole really just throw everybody’s phones in the snow (Ruining them, obviously.) to act as some impossible-to-see-with-the-human-eye runway lights? That was so stupid.

Favorite quote: “It’s just like LAX on a Monday morning, right?” This may actually be a decent meta-joke about how embarrassingly bad the “Cairo” airport scene looks. Maybe…

Say a nice thing: I sort of enjoyed the foul-mouthed child.

Say a creepy thing: How young is Bailey Spry? Too young to say she looks delicious?

Biggest movie cliché: Suffice to say there are plenty.

Most relatable current event: Holy blue jesus has the upper northeast gotten a lot of snow.

Final review: One of the first things I did was look up where this movie was filmed, because it is most certainly not Egypt. Turns out it’s Detroit. This makes the depressive state I was in while watching the film quite apt. Zing!

Anyway, this is a weird movie. Story-wise it’s odd, as Emile Edwin Smith is constantly going out of his way to try and make the Jones family’s journey (to someplace…) more harrowing than is necessary. Every attempt fails miserably, however, because visually this is an unpleasant and unrealistic film. It’s edited very poorly, as well. It most resembles 500 MPH Storm, but is colder, somehow even dumber, and has slightly more Arabs.

Ranking:

2 bees

Bound

Title: Bound

Director: Jared Cohn

Writer: Jared Cohn, Delondra Williams

Starring: Charisma Carpenter, Bryce Draper, Daniel Baldwin

Year released: 2015

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Jared Cohn. Of course it is.

Their synopsis: “The daughter of a wealthy real estate broker falls in love with a younger man, who introduces her to BDSM. Using her newly awakened sexual prowess, she finally takes charge of her own life.”

My synopsis: Cordelia Chase needs some good dick. Meets a loser.

Quick review: Ryan is Jared Cohn’s Tyler Durden, and that is really, really sad.

Pros: Charisma Carpenter would make a pretty good domme.

Cons: I don’t think Jared Cohn knows a goddamn thing about BDSM.

Biggest movie cliché: Women discovering their inner goddess.

Favorite quote: Dara, Michelle’s volleyball-playing (Yay!), high school daughter, when told she’s not old enough to imbibe alcohol, “Fine. I’ll just get some old perv to get it for me like normal.” I believe she’s referring to me.

Say a mean thing: E. L. James is a disgusting fat pig who cannot write.

Say a nice thing: Jim Norton is a sweet, funny boy.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Ryan is not some brooding, yet charming mystery. He’s a rapey douchebag.

Worst cameo: Terrell Owens, for no earthly reason, makes an appearance…as himself.

Most relatable current event: 50 Shades of Grey opens on Valentine’s weekend.

Final review: It’s just embarrassing that I’m supposed to buy the protagonist in this as some irresistible godsend to women. He’s a boorish frat guy, not a sexy enigma. The entire character is laughable. This makes buying the plot line almost impossible. Nobody would risk anything for this dude, yet some savvy, successful businesswoman is willing to throw away her family and career for him? Cohn should have let Delondra Williams do most of the writing. A woman’s perspective really could have helped this movie. Overall, it’s shit. But at least it’s well-acted, well-shot, nicely structured shit.

Ranking:

2 bees

Golden Winter

Title: Golden Winter

Director: Sam Mendoti

Writer: Tom Seidman

Starring: Andrew Beckham, Jason Brooks, Shannon Elizabeth

Year released: 2012

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Shannon Elizabeth and Haylie Duff. This review may get filthy.

Their synopsis: “A boy befriends a litter of homeless Golden Retrievers. Together, they help stop a bank robbery just in time for Christmas.”

My synopsis: Lame, dumb kids have shitty parents, and there are some puppies around. Also, it’s Christmas.

Quick review: Turns out, family is the most important thing of all! Who knew?!

Pros: Oliver always wears a helmet when he rides his bike. Safety first!

Cons: Really just an asshole of a premise. And one of the dogs talks like Curly.

Biggest movie cliché: Hey, holmes. I’m a chihuahua dat talks like a Latin King, eh.

Least favorite quote: “Recruit, you have indicated your desire to join the Ghost Gang. A radically super bad gang, dedicated to hanging out, scoring free stuff, and mostly having awesome good times…” The Ghost Gang is the faggiest gang ever.

Say a nice thing: When the horrendous CGI mouth isn’t making the puppies look like monsters, they are quite adorable.

Say a mean thing: Oliver’s stupid hair makes me sick to my stomach. I want to cut it with a shotgun.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: The Ghost Gang losers are somehow playing the same (fucking awful) video game with both Playstation and Xbox controllers.

Most relatable current event: The Puppy Bowl! Team Ruff annihilated Team Fluff, and I tied for first in my fantasy league. And Henry should’ve been the MVP. Not Cara! Cara is a bad dog! Bad!

Final review: Firstly, Haylie Duff was just a voice actor in this. Whatever. I like her sister more, anyway. Second, I don’t think I can watch these moralistic family films anymore. Especially not ones where animals talk to each other. The majority of this movie is filler, and your time is wasted waiting for everybody to learn their lesson. Lessons that everyone ought to know in the first place. It’s like those godawful Tyler Perry shows that used to be on TBS, only with less brown people. Maybe the filler is entertaining if you’re five years old or a complete imbecile, but I’m neither of those, so it’s mostly agonizing torture.

Ranking:

2 bees