12 Disasters

Title: 12 Disasters (Also known as: The 12 Disasters of Christmas)

Director: Steven R. Monroe

Writer: Sydney Roper, Rudy Thauberger

Starring: Magda Apanowicz, Ed Quinn, Roark Critchlow (Stupid name.)

Year released: 2012

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Why does CineTel Films always try and take the word ‘Christmas’ out of their titles?

Their synopsis: “When Jacey is told she is the ‘chosen’ one, she soon realizes that she is the only one who has the power to stop the impending doom. Using an ancient book of Mayan prophecies, Jacey and her father must figure out how to stop the twelve disasters that begin the countdown to the end of the world!”

My synopsis: A teenage girl’s crazy grandparents turn out to be soothsayers, and now she has to save the town she secretly thinks is totes lame and, like, totally can’t wait to get away from! Gawd!

Quick review: Goddammit. I wanted to like this, but they overdid it.

Pros: The acting had no right being as good as it was.

Cons: “BIBLICAL NAMES! WE ALL HAVE BIBLICAL NAMES BEFITTING OUR CHARACTERS!! GET IT?! DO YOU FUCKING GET IT YET?!?!”

Biggest movie cliché: The bad guy survives an impossible-to-survive situation, and returns to muck up the works.

Say a nice thing: Not as overtly jesusy as I was expecting. Thank god!

Say a creepy thing: I wish Jacey would climb all over my face.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Why’d they bring up Machu Picchu? That’s Incan, not fucking Mayan.

Most relatable current event: Jesus has returned! It’s a miracle!

Final review: Finally! A movie that seamlessly ties together Christianity, the Mayan civilization, and an English Christmas carol! Seriously though, with a little focus, this film might’ve actually been good. A little subtlety with the jesus angle, get rid of the Christmas carol nonsense entirely, and you’ve got a decent disaster flick. It’s hilarious (Unintentionally, I’m pretty sure.) how fast 12 Disasters escalates, but despite its graceless beginning, the movie boasts an impressive, dare I say exciting, pace. Unfortunately, the filmmakers seemed to think the audience wouldn’t understand who was good and who was evil, so it repeatedly, and obnoxiously, sledgehammered the already obvious point home. I really did want to like this movie. The film’s poster has a cross on it, yet I was enjoying it! Do you know how surprising that is?! The negatives just barely outweigh the positives. So close to a coveted three star bee rating.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

100 Ghost Street: The Return of Richard Speck

Title: 100 Ghost Street: The Return of Richard Speck

Director: Martin Wichmann

Writer: Nancy Leopardi

Starring: Hayley Derryberry (I just wanted to type out that atrocious name.)

Year released: 2012

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): In case you don’t recall Richard Speck… Watch the beginning of the video. It’s creepier than his murders.

Their synopsis: “In 2010, paranormal investigators tried to film Richard Speck’s ghost at the site of his heinous killing spree. The victims’ families have finally released the footage that documents their last days.”

My synopsis: Shockingly, there’s a ghost residing at 100 Ghost Street. Duh. Also, the ghost rapes a woman.

Quick review: Spoiler alert: There’s a ghost rape. Movie is ok.

Pros: The ghost isn’t as unattractive as the real Richard Speck. Goddamn he was an ugly bastard.

Cons: If you’re a ghost hunter, you should know the difference between a serial killer and a mass murderer. I mean, seriously…

Smallest suspension of disbelief: Guess who dies first? (Hint: It’s a black guy. Named Earl.)

Biggest movie cliché: Can a girl not enjoy a lollipop in these movies without simultaneously being a dirty, dirty whore? And the ghost rape, obviously.

Say a nice thing: How have I never specifically mentioned Jennifer Robyn Jacobs before? She’s been in multiple films I’ve reviewed, and is absolutely stunning.

Say a mean thing: If Jackie ever got too close to a light bulb, I’m pretty sure her awful nose would melt.

Say a creepy thing: Ok, so to be honest, the ghost rape scene kinda turned me on a little bit.

Most relatable current event: More women accusing Ghost Dad of rape.

MFK: Marry Jen. Fuck Sarah. Kill Jackie. (By fucking her.)

Final review: I suppose the premise is as good as any for a found footage film. A team of paranormal investigators, probably working for A&E, want to do a documentary on the now-abandoned dormitory where Richard Speck methodically tortured and killed his victims. If nothing else, it gives a legitimate reason to have all these cameras around. 100 Ghost Street is well-edited, and the performances are relatively believable, but ultimately it’s just too unoriginal. The same found footage tropes, and the same character archetypes. It’s nothing you haven’t seen a dozen times before. There’s also a ghost rape. Did I mention the ghost rape? And I think the ghost had sex with a dead body, as well.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Grimm’s Snow White

Title: Grimm’s Snow White

Director: Rachel (Lee) Goldenberg

Writer: Naomi L. Selfman

Starring: Eliza Bennett, Jamie Thomas King, Jane March

Year released: 2012

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I can’t find any more Asylum titles on Netflix. Sad face.

Their synopsis: “When the King is killed by ferocious reptile beasts, his Queen takes control of the kingdom. She tries to kill her beautiful stepdaughter SNOW, but she escapes into the enchanted forest…”

My synopsis: I’ll let Netflix take this one, “Unlike the big screen versions, this low budget take adds dragons and other twists into the tale of an evil queen and her beautiful stepdaughter.”

Quick review: Overly complicated nonsense.

Pros: Dungeon sex.

Cons: Seriously? No midgets? Come on, man…

Biggest movie cliché: Stepmoms are bitches.

Say a kinda nice thing: Gwendolyn is a sexy, trampy queen.

Say a kinda mean thing: I mean, I guess Eliza Bennett is attractive. Sort of…

Biggest suspension of disbelief: That one “straight” elf seemed awfully angry to have the fairest maiden in all the land resting in his bed… It’s ok, Orlando, we’re all cool here. Go ahead and say it out loud. You’ll feel much better once you do.

Most relatable current event: Stepparents are embarrassing.

Final review: Why not just make a movie based on the original Brothers Grimm story? It’s an awesome fairy tale, which ends with the queen being “forced to step into [the] red-hot shoes and dance until she fell down dead.” Fucking evil! However, instead of fiery iron sneakers, the viewer is subject to a different kind of gruesome torture. The slow, painful torture of boredom and superfluousness. I cannot see any point whatsoever in adding dragons, demon dogs, amulets, and magic fires to Snow White. They are entirely useless additions. And the attempt to weave all of this drivel into an intelligible plot is poorly executed. The Asylum and modesty simply do not mix.

Ranking:

2 bees

Adopting Terror

Title: Adopting Terror

Director: Micho Rutare

Writer: Nik Frank-Lehrer, Micho Rutare

Starring: Sean Astin, Samaire Armstrong, Brendan Fehr

Year released: 2012

Their synopsis: “Tim and Cheryl Broadbent are excited to finally adopt Mona, a beautiful baby girl. But when the baby’s biological father starts stalking them, their world turns upside down…”

My synopsis: A man who is inexplicably not in prison for second-degree murder (and has a godawful haircut) creepily tries to reclaim his daughter from her new, lame parents.

Quick review: The least surprising thing ever put to film.

Pros: Remember Family Ties? I like that show.

Cons: You took seven seconds to explain why the bad guy was not behind bars. It was not sufficient. And what kind of asshole runs in the middle of the street and doesn’t move when he sees a car coming?

Biggest movie cliché: The first 90 minutes.

Favorite quote: “He left about a week ago.” (Week ago!)

Say a mean thing: What in jesus’ name happened to Samaire Armstrong? She looks like a grandmother.

Say another mean thing: Adoptive parents try too goddamn hard. Just accept that “your” child will always consider you second best.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: So is the bad guy an exterminator or a landscaper?

Most relatable current event: Some cunty religious chick who has a reality show wants to adopt kids, which apparently qualifies as “news” nowadays.

Final review: What I hate most is that the filmmakers thought they were being clever. This is one of the least suspenseful, most predictable movies I’ve ever seen. As such, it takes forever to play out. It’s not an altogether bad film, but it’s certainly lazy. Not one original thought was had by either man given a writing credit. “Hey, doesn’t all this seem kind of familiar to you?” How this question was not asked by anyone of importance during the creation, production, and/or filming of this movie is by far a bigger mystery than this film purports itself to be.

Ranking:

2 bees

Golden Winter

Title: Golden Winter

Director: Sam Mendoti

Writer: Tom Seidman

Starring: Andrew Beckham, Jason Brooks, Shannon Elizabeth

Year released: 2012

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Shannon Elizabeth and Haylie Duff. This review may get filthy.

Their synopsis: “A boy befriends a litter of homeless Golden Retrievers. Together, they help stop a bank robbery just in time for Christmas.”

My synopsis: Lame, dumb kids have shitty parents, and there are some puppies around. Also, it’s Christmas.

Quick review: Turns out, family is the most important thing of all! Who knew?!

Pros: Oliver always wears a helmet when he rides his bike. Safety first!

Cons: Really just an asshole of a premise. And one of the dogs talks like Curly.

Biggest movie cliché: Hey, holmes. I’m a chihuahua dat talks like a Latin King, eh.

Least favorite quote: “Recruit, you have indicated your desire to join the Ghost Gang. A radically super bad gang, dedicated to hanging out, scoring free stuff, and mostly having awesome good times…” The Ghost Gang is the faggiest gang ever.

Say a nice thing: When the horrendous CGI mouth isn’t making the puppies look like monsters, they are quite adorable.

Say a mean thing: Oliver’s stupid hair makes me sick to my stomach. I want to cut it with a shotgun.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: The Ghost Gang losers are somehow playing the same (fucking awful) video game with both Playstation and Xbox controllers.

Most relatable current event: The Puppy Bowl! Team Ruff annihilated Team Fluff, and I tied for first in my fantasy league. And Henry should’ve been the MVP. Not Cara! Cara is a bad dog! Bad!

Final review: Firstly, Haylie Duff was just a voice actor in this. Whatever. I like her sister more, anyway. Second, I don’t think I can watch these moralistic family films anymore. Especially not ones where animals talk to each other. The majority of this movie is filler, and your time is wasted waiting for everybody to learn their lesson. Lessons that everyone ought to know in the first place. It’s like those godawful Tyler Perry shows that used to be on TBS, only with less brown people. Maybe the filler is entertaining if you’re five years old or a complete imbecile, but I’m neither of those, so it’s mostly agonizing torture.

Ranking:

2 bees

Nazis at the Center of the Earth

Title: Nazis at the Center of the Earth

Director: Joseph J. Lawson

Writer: Paul Bales

Starring: Josh Allen, Dominique Swain, Jake Busey

Year released: 2012

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): What’s dumber, center of the earth Nazis or moon Nazis?

Their synopsis: “Researchers in Antarctica are abducted by a team of masked storm troopers. They are dragged deep underground to a hidden continent in the center of the earth. Here Nazi survivors…are planning for the revival of the Third Reich.”

My synopsis: Underground Nazis once again attempt world domination. And fail, per usual.

Quick review: Surprisingly boring for a film about secret Nazis. Third act is ok.

Pros: I don’t want to call this a “pro” exactly, but I laughed really hard when Dr. Reistad, for absolutely no reason whatsoever, punched his girlfriend in the face after she told him she was pregnant. It was just so unexpected. (Spoiler alert: Apparently it wasn’t for “no reason.” He wanted to abort the child and use its fetal stem cells. Jesus…)

Cons: Chris Johnson’s German accent is fucking exhausting, and good lord is that Busey mouth terrifying. Also, I can’t imagine anything worse than getting gang-raped by zombie Nazis.

Biggest movie cliché: Nazis as the “bad guy.” Schindler’s List tried to do the same thing.

Hottest Antarctic research scientist: Dr. Paige Morgan (and her friends) really did it for me when I was a teenager, but now I’m gonna go with May Yun.

Say a nice thing: MechaHitler. Even if you’re anti-Hitler, come on, that’s pretty cool.

Say a mean thing: Haha, Dr. Mengele couldn’t wait to kill that scheming jew.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: The whole flesh thing seemed largely unnecessary.

Most relatable current event: Jingoistic assholes are angry with Seth Rogen for saying that American Sniper reminded him of Nation’s Pride.

Final review: The third act is quite ridiculous, but sort of fun. Why? I’ll say it again, MechaHitler. I understand that MechaHitler is the payoff, and you can’t lead with it (Though I would not have objected to 90 minutes of MechaHitler wrecking shit.), but there had to be a better way to get there. I think one more rewrite was all this movie needed to actually be “good.” Clean up the story, get rid of some superfluous characters, and tighten up the exposition. There are secret zombie Nazis living in a mountainous paradise under Antarctica. Are you really going to try and explain that logically? Get to the blitzkrieg!

Ranking:

2.5 bees

The Haunting of Whaley House

Title: The Haunting of Whaley House

Director: Jose Prendes

Writer: Jose Prendes

Starring: Stephanie Greco, Alex Arleo, Arielle Brachfeld

Year released: 2012

Their synopsis: “When a tour guide breaks into America’s Most Haunted House, a bit of amateur ghost hunting with friends turns into more horror than they could have ever imagined.”

My synopsis: Thirty-year-olds, who think they’re cool, goth fifteen-year-olds, keep dying in a supposedly haunted house.

Quick review: With the exception of half a dozen scenes, this is a decent horror flick.

Pros: In the film, some guy says ghosts feed off of battery power. Obviously, I needed to know more, so I googled it. In doing so, I found this informative/unintentionally hilarious article that begins, “As I’ve mentioned before I am not a demonologist…”

Cons: Those racist ass ghosts invisibly lynched Ray! To be fair, he sort of deserved it after that awful and terribly acted, I’m-so-angry-I’m-going-to-curse-at-the-ghosts soliloquy.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Black ghost hunters? I don’t think so.

Least favorite quote: “Just because you don’t believe in ghosts, doesn’t mean they don’t believe in you.” That doesn’t make any sense, you stupid old cunt.

Say a nice thing: The majority of actresses in this movie did an excellent job.

Say a mean thing: Keith Drummond is very clearly a rapist.

Biggest movie cliché: Something goes wrong, and one retard tries to convince everybody else why it’s a bad idea to call the police.

Smallest suspension of disbelief: Penny looked at the black guys when she reminded everyone not to steal.

Most relatable current event: Whatever ghost hunting show just got renewed for its 19th season on SyFy. You think they’d have found something by now…

Final review: While it’s not a particularly original film, it executes the haunted house formula quite well. Small group of friends, there’s an incident, quality jump scares, infighting, somebody gets possessed, cops come, etc., etc. However, there’s nonsense abound, almost to the point where it overwhelms what the movie does right. (Not shocking for an Asylum production.) Unnecessarily exaggerated deaths, over-the-top acting, and irrelevant story additions, for example. Perhaps it depends on the mood you’re in, and/or how much you enjoy the horror genre, but despite its numerous flaws, I liked it. It did take me awhile to realize I was liking it, which I’m not sure qualifies as a ringing endorsement.

Ranking:

3 bees

Air Collision

Title: Air Collision

Director: Liz Adams

Writer: Liz Adams

Starring: Too many people

Year released: 2012

Their synopsis: “When a solar storm wipes out the air traffic control system, Air Force One and a passenger jet liner are locked on a collision course in the skies above the midwest.”

My synopsis: Weather makes some aviation company become Skynet, and it tries to kill the president. (Maybe.) Carl Winslow attempts to save the day.

Quick review: Ninety minutes has never felt longer.

Pros: Turbulence causes Jordan Ladd’s shirt to slowly unbutton.

Cons: Oh my god… The constant screaming in the passenger jet scenes is enraging.

Biggest movie cliché: A hole in an airplane acting like a gigantic vacuum cleaner.

Say a creepy thing: First daughter?! I’d like to give her her first daughter!

Say a mean thing: I can’t say that I want to punch Liz Adams in the face because she’s a woman, and that would not be cool. I would like to soak her in gasoline and set her on fire, though.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Just how many satellites does this aviation company have, and why are they all crash landing in LA? Why is Joan whispering? And why is everything else in this movie so fucking retarded?

Most relatable current event: These people died in a plane crash; I watched this movie. It’s debatable who had the worst experience.

Final review: Once again, Liz Adams has made a truly abysmal film. For one, she has the inability to write. Her stories are nonsense, there’s too much going on, and the dialogue is completely unbelievable. She also allows too many actors to be given screen time, which is a problem because the only shitty actors The Asylum can afford to hire are really, really shitty. Artificial intelligence taking over is a staple of sci-fi films, but this is so clumsily done, that it never even borders on interesting or conceivable. In fact, I’m probably giving Liz Adams more credit than she deserves, as I’m not even sure that’s what she tried to do. I think the AI takeover scenario is me trying to make sense of the godawful mess I was watching. The computer system could have been trying to save the president. Who the fuck knows? Basically, Air Collision is a terrible, horseshit movie, with absolutely no focus. And a guy opens a door with a spoon. So yeah, fuck it.

Ranking:

.5 bee

Clash of the Empires

Title: Clash of the Empires (Also known as: Lord of the Elves)

Director: Joseph J. Lawson

Writer: Eric Forsberg

Starring: Sum Korng, Khom Lyly, Srogn

Year released: 2012

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Via IMDB Trivia: “Originally titled ‘Age of the Hobbits’ until Warner Bros/New Line Cinema, MGM and Saul Zaentz sued The Asylum.” Haha.

Their synopsis: “In an ancient age, peace-loving tribe are enslaved by a race of flesh-eating dragon-riders. The young tribesman Goben must join forces with their neighbor giants, the humans, to free his people and vanquish their enemies.”

My synopsis: Rock people kidnap some tree people, then a stone-headed black guy and a hot Asian chick help the remaining tree people save their brethren.

Quick review: I swear to god, this may be the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. It’s historically terrible, but nonstop laughs. It’s a masterpiece of shit.

Pros: The dubbed American voices are hysterical. Not sure if the actors’ English was that harsh, or the producers just didn’t care for the high-pitched midget voice.

More pros: The “dragons” are giant komodo dragons. I can accept this. Also, the return of giant spiders!

Biggest movie cliché: The obstinate tribal chief is a bit of a pill, huh? I’ll bet he never changes his ways in the nick of time!

Favorite quote: “Earth Mother, thank you for your goodness.” “All the same! …To me!” And a plethora of others. The shoddily dubbed-in voices are so fantastic.

Say a nice thing: Bai Ling is gorgeous. How is she almost 50?

Say a crass thing: Omi wants to fuck Amthar so bad, but his dick’s probably bigger than her body. I don’t see how that’s going to work physically.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Not sure how the constant, sharp bursts of laughter didn’t puncture my lungs.

Most relatable current event: AirAsia Flight 8501 crashed in Indonesia. That is an apt comparison.

Final review: I’m fairly certain they didn’t intend to make the best worst film ever, but this has it all. There’s a hot chick, midgets, godawful dialogue, horrible editing, hilarious voice dubbing, embarrassingly bad fight sequences, mythical creatures, abysmal acting, emotional strikeouts, ludicrous plot turns, and so much more. Normally, I reserve the higher rankings for movies that are actually decent, but Clash of the Empires is such a catastrophic abortion of awesomeness that it deserves the highest ranking I can give. Congratulations to all parties involved! You’ve got quite a failure on your hands!

Ranking:

4 bees

Celebrity Sex Tape

Title: Celebrity Sex Tape

Director: Scott Wheeler

Writer: Jonathan Haug, Patrick Sheehan, Matt Short

Starring: Jack Cullison, Jonathan Brett, Julie Barzman

Year released: 2012

Their synopsis: “A group of college nerds secretly record a washed up celebrity having sex and post the tape on the internet. When the publicity revives the actress’s career, every B-list celebrity, reality show reject, and celebutante in Hollywood want to star in the guys next ‘production.’”

My synopsis: For five college kids, almost date rape leads to a lucrative pornography career.

Quick review: Stupid, but not nearly as terrible as I thought it’d be.

Pros: Acknowledging the latent homosexuality of frat bros. Also, the character Marcus (for most of the movie), including when he got punched in the face for the second time. That made me laugh.

Cons: Why are so many of these people having sex with their clothes on? And can someone explain to me why you’d want to get the taste of female ejaculate out of your mouth?

Biggest movie cliché: Every racist thing about the Asian guy.

Favorite quote: “Classic mudshark.” I’ve never before heard this insult. Take it away, Urban Dictionary.

Say a mean thing: That obese fuck’s fat-calloused heart would stop if he abused ED drugs in such a manner.

Say another mean thing: Hey, jesus freak, your man’s not around because you’d rather read a book about Bronze Age barbarism than sit on his face.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: The horny college nerds being grossed out when that crazy lady squirted. It was more disgusting when she referred to her vagina as “mashed potatoes and gravy.”

Smallest suspension of disbelief: Nobody wanted to fuck Moby Dick. (Cause she’s a big fat white whale. Get it?)

Final review: Low-level actresses agree to make sex tapes in an effort to re-energize their stalled careers. No, that could never happen… Celebrity Sex Tape is another Asylum comedy I thought for sure was going to be horseshit, but ended up not being so bad. Easily the most annoying thing about the movie was the sound effects. I’m not sure the foley artist for this film has ever had sex, or even read about it. I’m also just now realizing that the movie is making me have a crisis of conscience. How fucked up is it that the premise of this film is even close to believable? I mean, look at how many women were willing to be naked in this shitty Asylum film. It’s really just one step away. I’m a creep, so I’m kind of into it, but I’m also a human person who thinks the fascination with celebrity culture is destroying civilization. Maybe I just need to watch something with dragons in it to level off…

Ranking:

2.5 bees