Izzie’s Way Home

Title: Izzie’s Way Home

Director: Sasha Burrow

Writer: Camille Licate, Hank Woon Jr.

Starring: Bonnie Dennison, Tom Virtue, Tori Spelling, the fat guy from *NSYNC

Year released: 2016

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I’m very intrigued to see how The Asylum handles animation. I believe this is their first attempt.

Their synopsis: “A constantly picked-on aquarium fish escapes her yacht home, unaware of the dangers that await her in the open ocean…” Via IMDB, as Asylum’s page gives no summary.

My synopsis: All the fish from some rich douchebag’s aquarium fall into the ocean and/or the exact plot of Finding Nemo, where adventure awaits them.

Quick review: Any parent that bought this movie for their child instead of taking them to go see Finding Dory should be crucified.

Pros: Fish finally acknowledging that they are weird-looking.

Cons: I don’t know much about this kind of thing, but I can’t imagine the first rule of animation is “Make it as lifeless as possible, please!”

Biggest movie cliché: The moral of the film is that it doesn’t matter how you look, it just matters what you do. Literally. “It doesn’t matter how you look, it just matters what you do.” They say that shit like five times.

Say a nice thing: Nowhere else in the history of our galaxy can you watch an Italian sea cucumber talk about farting.

Say a mean thing: That one red fish was a bitcharoo.

Say a meaner thing: Isabel is the fish equivalent of an autistic burn victim.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: It’s a fucking cartoon…

Most relatable current event: I only recently learned that Pixar’s next release is Cars 3. Fuck all of those Cars movies. They stink.

Final review: You can do anything you want with animation. There are no rules. (Space Jam taught us this twenty years ago.) Yet, The Asylum chose to recreate 95% of its film catalogue, by having unlikeable characters stand around dead-eyed, trading banal lines of dialogue. The animation itself was very inconsistent. At times it was multi-layered and textured, while at others looked like it was rendered on an Apple II. And is it really asking too much for the mouths to match what is being said? It’s 2016. The Asylum couldn’t have spent more than $4,000 on this entire endeavor. I honestly can’t believe it took them this long to realize it’s easier to half-ass it through animation.

Ranking:

2 bees

 

Cowboys vs Dinosaurs

Title: Cowboys vs Dinosaurs

Director: Ari Novak

Writer: Anthony Fankhauser, Rafael Jordan

Starring: Rib Hillis, Casey Fitzgerald, Kelcey Watson

Year released: 2015

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I’m not sure I remember how to do this; I’m just trying to stave off crippling depression. Things are…not going well.

Their synopsis: “When an accidental mine explosion releases dinosaurs, the citizens of an Old West frontier town must defend themselves against the prehistoric menace.”

My synopsis: Dozens of theropods, including one T. rex, that have apparently been living underground for millions of years (surviving on god knows what) are brought to the surface, and begin killing desert trash for sport. The last part I understand.

Quick review: I don’t think any of these people are actually cowboys.

Pros: Some mildly attractive girl with a terrible tattoo let a river masturbate her.

Cons: It’s like they’ve never even heard of dinosaurs. And why are all these young, hot women dating gross old guys?

Biggest movie cliché: Doesn’t seem like this small-town, power-hungry sheriff has his priorities in line.

Say a nice thing: The triumphant return of serious thespian Sara Malakul Lane. Here she is with her tits on a skateboard.

Say a sarcastic thing: Eric Roberts playing a washed-up, alcoholic burnout? I don’t buy it.

Say a creepy thing: That dead girl’s camel toe was really turning me on.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Wait a second, were they trying to pass off a radar gun as a Geiger counter? (Oh, methane detector. Still stupid.)

Most relatable current event: Dinosaurs it has none, but Westworld is a goddamn good show.

Final review: The dinosaurs are very clearly physical manifestations of loneliness. They’re ever-present, perpetually simmering just below the surface. The mine is representative of the human psyche, and the message the film is trying to convey, is that there is great danger in carelessly and consistently mining for a positive outcome, as the overwhelming onslaught of self-doubt and isolation is all but assured. It will feast on your flesh. Consume you.

Our protagonist, Valex, is a friendless wanderer, who has returned home after failing to find any true semblance of love or meaning outside of the world in which he grew up. And yet, he still cannot find peace, because the only people he genuinely cares about have moved on with their lives, leaving him to flounder and drown in his unnecessary, useless existence. In order to find “actual” happiness, the reciprocal love of a woman, Val must literally jump off of a goddamn cliff, while simultaneously fighting the fact (/dinosaur) that he will always be alone, in life and in death. So really, what’s the difference?

Is it better to live, conscious of your unending loneliness, or simply die, and be free of the suffering? …Or I could be projecting all that, and this movie is just retarded.

Ranking:

2 bees

Zoombies

Title: Zoombies

Director: Glenn Miller

Writer: Scotty Mullen

Starring: Ione Butler, Kim Nielsen, Andrew Asper

Year released: 2016

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): The last zombie movie helmed by Glenn Miller and Scotty Mullen is arguably the least funny thing ever put to film.

Their synopsis: “When a strange virus quickly spreads through a safari park and turns all the zoo animals undead, those left in the park must stop the creatures before they escape and zombify the whole city.”

My synopsis: A strange virus quickly spreads through a “screenwriter” and turns all his wild Jurassic World fantasies into boring garbage.

Quick review: It was tirezoome. (I can make shitty puns too.)

Pros: Ione Butler has a little Zoe Saldana thing going on. I’m a big fan of that. And also the shorts she was wearing.

Cons: CGI Kifo and man-in-a-suit Kifo look remarkably different, yet, I’m not sure which one I hate more.

Biggest movie cliché: A sweet, little girl beating an undead koala to death with an aluminum bat. Per usual…

Favorite quote: “You and your family will be able to ‘monkey’ around, on a variety of kid-friendly amusements…” Not ashamed to say I laughed at this. I liked that whole commercial, really. I’d go visit Eden Wildlife Zoo.

Least favorite quote: “I’m going for the brain.” She said out of nowhere for no discernible reason.

Say a nice thing: I recognize Kim Nielsen from something.

Say a mean thing: Amber’s a cunt. (Tried and true.)

Biggest suspension of disbelief: It’s readily apparent that no one sat on an elephant during the making of this film. Or ziplined.

Most relatable current event: I haven’t been to the zoo in awhile, but I almost went to the aquarium last week. Does that count?

Final review: I know I’ve suggested Asylum name changes in the past, but ‘Squandered Potential Studios’ has an appropriately nice ring to it. Every production company and their lazy whore of a mother has to try and make a zombie movie with a slightly different take on the genre. However, I don’t hate the idea of a zombie zoo. A lot of fun to be had there. What bothers me, of course, is the inevitable Asylum-ing of an interesting premise. The story turns are ridiculous, and none of the characters behave in a way that’s even remotely believable. The lack of forethought continues to puzzle me.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Night of the Wild

Title: Night of the Wild

Director: Eric Red

Writer: Delondra Williams

Starring: Tristin Mays, Kelly Rutherford, Rob Morrow

Year released: 2016

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): You thought (hoped) I was dead! Ha! Too bad, suckers! Also, The Asylum is only listed as a distributor on this film. I’m unsure if this is a good thing.

Their synopsis: “When a large meteor crashes into a quiet town, pet dogs become mysteriously aggressive…Roslyn and the other members of her family must find each other by fighting back against the blood-thirsty hounds…”

My synopsis: Green space rocks secretly tell canines to bite every human on the forearm.

Quick review: Redundantly redundant.

Pros: Wolves are genuinely awesome. I wish they’d attack more people associated with Asylum movies. And a guide dog deliberately led its blind owner into the path of an oncoming car. It was hilarious.

Cons: I fucking hate so much people who don’t know how to keep their goddamned dogs quiet.

MFK: Marry Roslyn. Fuck Pia. Kill Alice. Maybe if Mary Katherine O’Donnell had a more visible online presence, or a shorter name, I wouldn’t have to kill her.

Biggest movie cliché: The short-lived illusion of safety.

Say a nice thing: Who’s a good boy?! Shep’s a good boy! Yes, he is!!

Say a mean thing: All old people are cranky and horrible and should be killed.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Are the giant glowing rocks invisible? I don’t understand.

Most relatable current event: Could have started here…

Final review: This is a very poorly edited film. I think that’s my biggest complaint. Shots of nothing; action scenes that take forever and/or don’t make any sense. And every attack scene is the same fucking thing! It’s visually unappealing, and frustrating as shit. Another aspect of this movie that goes beyond the normal expectation of inadequacy is the story itself. The meteors are affecting the dogs on a sensory level, I assume? If so, couldn’t you just remove them? But why can no one see them? Or can they? There’s really no motivation whatsoever for the dogs’ aggressive behavior. Any exposition at all would have been helpful.

Ranking:

2 bees

Sharktopus vs Whalewolf

Title: Sharktopus vs Whalewolf

Director: Kevin O’Neill

Writer: Matt Yamashita (No credit given on IMDB. Matt’s embarrassed.)

Starring: Casper Van Dien, Akari Endo, Jorge Eduardo De Los Santos

Year released: 2015

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Was supposed to be Sharktopus vs Mermantula, though I believe that still may be coming. Unfortunately.

Their synopsis: This movie is nowhere to be found on Syfy’s website. No writer credit, and no trace of a web page. All of this tells me that Sharktopus vs Whalewolf will be a clusterfuck. Not that I didn’t have that feeling already…

My synopsis: Sharktopus vs Pteracuda…the comedy!

Quick review: Worse than cancer.

Pros: Marginally better acting compared to previous Sharktopus entries.

Cons: Fuck everyone’s irritating, cacophonous, unfunny accents. Especially Dr. Reinhardt’s.

Biggest movie cliché: A sequel that repeats the previous story in a prettier location.

Favorite quote: “You should kiss her.” Pablo, talking to Ray, about an unconscious woman. Pablo is a sexual predator.

Say a nice thing about Dominicans: Dominican women are very sexy…

Say a mean thing about Dominicans: …which is why men put up with their loud mouths, fast talking, hand gestures, and overall obnoxious, insane personalities.

Say another mean thing: I hope Catherine Oxenberg gets her throat slit during a violent raping.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Roger Corman has no idea this exists.

Most relatable current event: Sean Penn and El Chapo meeting to discuss film is less aggravating than Kevin O’Neill and Matt Yamashita doing the same.

Final review: In some ways, this Sharktopus movie is worse than its predecessors. Which is an unreal sentence to have written. The reason? Sharktopus vs Whalewolf thinks it’s hilarious. The opposite is true, however. Everything that’s supposed to elicit a laugh falls flat. At best. At its worst, it induces rage and fury. (Go ahead and guess which happens more often.) I’m hard-pressed to think of a worse series of films than those involving the Sharktopus monster. To call it a franchise would be an insult to franchises. Only the multiple-headed shark films come close. Jeff Marsten is a cunt.

Ranking:

1 bee

Little Dead Rotting Hood

Title: Little Dead Rotting Hood

Director: Jared Cohn

Writer: Gabriel Campisi

Starring: Eric Balfour, Bianca A. Santos, Lil’ Romeo (Seriously.)

Year released: 2016

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): The first Asylum release of 2016.

Their synopsis: “Something sinister is lurking in the woods, and the residents of the small town nearby are falling victim to its bloodlust…”

My synopsis: Man vs nature vs mediocre filmmaking.

Quick review: If anyone else had played Sheriff Adam, I probably would have cut my ears off and gouged my eyes out.

Pros: Eric Balfour. His presence made most of the horseshit exposition seem plausible, and he delivered his equally terrible lines with aplomb. This would’ve been a much worse film without him.

Cons: How does Lil’ Romeo have that many acting credits? He’s awful. (I do like that denim shirt he was wearing in the beginning though.)

Biggest movie cliché: Monsters love interrupting couples mid-coitus.

Favorite quote: “You are a bitch.” Adam correctly defining his ex-wife.

Say a nice thing: Benson is an amusing secondary character.

Say a mean thing: There is absolutely no way Patrick Muldoon wasn’t coked out of his mind during every scene.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: You clearly didn’t hit play on that iPod, Jenny.

Another favorite quote: “She asked about you…She wanted to know if you were retarded.” Rita with a sick burn.

Final review: It should come as no surprise that hackneyed writer Gabriel Campisi is responsible for Jailbait, having penned 17 & Life: Jail Bait, a comic book which can be purchased for $4. I imagine shooting this movie was mentally exhausting for Eric Balfour, given the far inferior talent that surrounded him on-screen and off. He quite literally carries the film, and is the only human/wolf/werewolf in which you will have a vested interest. I hope he got paid well. Finally, as Lil’ Romeo inexplicably crawled out from whichever abyss he lay dormant to appear in Little Dead Rotting Hood, it feels appropriate to mention that children making godawful rap music used to be a popular thing. He really has led an embarrassing life.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Almighty Thor

Title: Almighty Thor

Director: Christopher (Douglas-Olen) Ray

Writer: Erik Estenberg

Starring: Cody Deal, Richard Grieco, Patricia Velasquez

Year released: 2011

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): The last movie I watched written by Erik Estenberg was Monster. Off to a bad start already.

Their synopsis: “When the demon god Loki destroys the fortress of Valhalla and steals the Hammer of Invincibility, only the young hero Thor can protect Earth from armageddon.”

My synopsis: Just about the worst goddamn interpretation of Norse mythology you’ll ever find.

Quick review: We may be able to control our own fate, but nobody can control the direction of this meandering dogshit.

Pros: I love Marta! She was great in El Amor Prohibido. Should’ve won the Desi.

Cons: I swear to christ the opening has been used in like nine other Asylum films. And why is there an uzi?

Biggest movie cliché: The whole fucking thing. The hero is worthy, but not quite ready. Courageous, yet immature. He is trained by so-and-so, needs to blah blah blah, and so on. Jesus god…

Say a silly thing: Kevin Nash, perhaps best known as the co-founder of nWo, plays Odin even better than dumb ol’ Anthony Hopkins!

Say a mean thing: I’ve only just learned that “Erik Estenberg” is the same person as “Eric Forsberg.” As if I didn’t already want to decapitate that sneaky jew with a shovel…

Say another mean thing: The fight coordinator for this film should be beaten to death like Gaddafi.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Cody Deal playing the lead. Shane Van Dyke very clearly should have played Thor.

Most relatable current event: In the lead-up to Infinity War, James Gunn is awfully high on the new Captain America.

Final review: It’s kind of hard to tell whether the writing is making the actors worse, or if the actors are making the writing worse. Either way, it’s still worse. I mean, my god is it worse… In one supposedly emotional scene, where Thor is realizing he may not have all the answers, some lady pushing her kid in a stroller wanders into the shot, and stares at the camera. This seriously fucking happens. Sixty-three minutes into the movie. AND THEY LEFT IT IN!!! Are you kidding me?! I honestly cannot tell if anyone involved in Almighty Thor is even trying, or if this is the best they can do. They should all feel bad about themselves regardless.

Ranking:

1.5 bees

Wuthering High

Title: Wuthering High (Also known as: Wuthering High School)

Director: Anthony DiBlasi

Writer: Delondra Williams

Starring: Paloma Kwiatkowski, Andrew Jacobs

Year released: 2015

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I’ve never read Wuthering Heights, nor do I have the desire to do so. This review will be steeped in ignorance. (Not unlike all the others.)

Their synopsis: “When the wealthy Earnshaw family of Malibu adopts Heath, a troubled teenager, daughter Cathy falls madly in love with him, embittering her rich boyfriend Eddie and the rest of their exclusive community…”

My synopsis: Wuthering Heights filtered through a Twilight lens.

Quick review: God, it’s so angsty.

Pros: Tom’s makes an appearance. Why, I’m not entirely sure. And schoolgirl uniforms.

Cons: Apparently, skateboarding makes you a rebel in 1974 2015.

Biggest movie cliché: None to be found! An amazing, completely original tale of romance between two teenagers from opposite sides of the track!

Best cameo: “What the fuck is James Caan doing here?” is a thing I said out loud.

Say a nice racist thing: Paloma is one cute polack.

Say a mean racist thing: Why would you knowingly invite a spic into your house?

Say some things that aren’t racist: Rachel Fox is fucking beautiful, and I bet it’s really hard for Francesca Eastwood to find glasses that fit her f____ac____e.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: I’m surprised nobody vomited mid-scene from an overdose of schmaltz.

Most relatable current event: While Christmas shopping, I had to leave the mall because there were too many high school girls around and I was going to get in trouble.

Final review: On one hand, the dialogue is superficial garbage. On the other, most of what teenagers say is superficial garbage, so it sort of fits. Having never read Wuthering Heights, but simultaneously knowing The Asylum’s reputation, I can only assume the original classic’s plot was butchered, then infused with angry, overacting Mexicans. So perfectly Asylum. I found this film to be wholly mediocre, but I have emotionally developed beyond that of a 14-year-old. I can understand someone actually enjoying this film, unfortunately, that someone is not me.

Also, I don’t feel great about saying Francesca Eastwood’s eyes are waaay too far apart. They’re not. She’s very pretty.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Barely Legal

Title: Barely Legal

Director: Jose Montesinos

Writer: Naomi L. Selfman

Starring: Jeneta St. Clair, Melissa Johnston, Lisa Younger

Year released: 2011

Their synopsis: “Sue, Cheryl, and Lexi–all freshman in college–have been friends forever…Every year, they do something special to celebrate their birthday, and this year, on their eighteenth, they’re determined to lose their virginity.”

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening, post-synopsis): They’re “all freshman in college.” I think this gives you some idea of the level of intelligent filmmaking we’re going to be witnessing.

My synopsis: A whore, a prude, and a retarded Anna Faris throw a pool party in an attempt to lose their virginity. Had they simply had sex with each other, they could have made a much better film, and saved money on decorations.

Quick review: Not terrible. Fairly sexy.

Pros: Making fun of the visually-impaired. Goes by quickly.

Cons: There’s no way this movie took more than 37 hours to film.

Biggest movie cliché: Some type of teenage sex pact.

Favorite quote: “I’m blind, you fucking asshole.”

Say a nice thing: Lexi’s a goddamn champion.

Say a mean thing: Chris is very clearly a fag.

Say a creepy thing: ‘Barely legal’ isn’t even 18 in the best states.

Vulgar, unnecessary spoiler: A dog ate the shit outta some girl’s pussy.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: That the main characters are anywhere close to 17. Their daughters are already 20.

Final review: There’s no way the party Sue, Lexi, and Cheryl (When’s the last time you met an 18-year-old named Cheryl?) threw wasn’t the worst party ever. Barely Legal is a much better movie than that was a party. It’s an Asylum sex comedy that didn’t decide it needed an intricate plot line. Always a good move. One-dimensional characters finding themselves in awkward sexual situations. Comedy gold! Or not gold, exactly. Comedy pyrite. Sort of unfair to say the characters didn’t experience any personal growth, either. One realized she was dating the wrong kind of guy, one realized she is bisexual, and one became a chronic masturbator. Lessons abound.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

 

12 Disasters

Title: 12 Disasters (Also known as: The 12 Disasters of Christmas)

Director: Steven R. Monroe

Writer: Sydney Roper, Rudy Thauberger

Starring: Magda Apanowicz, Ed Quinn, Roark Critchlow (Stupid name.)

Year released: 2012

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Why does CineTel Films always try and take the word ‘Christmas’ out of their titles?

Their synopsis: “When Jacey is told she is the ‘chosen’ one, she soon realizes that she is the only one who has the power to stop the impending doom. Using an ancient book of Mayan prophecies, Jacey and her father must figure out how to stop the twelve disasters that begin the countdown to the end of the world!”

My synopsis: A teenage girl’s crazy grandparents turn out to be soothsayers, and now she has to save the town she secretly thinks is totes lame and, like, totally can’t wait to get away from! Gawd!

Quick review: Goddammit. I wanted to like this, but they overdid it.

Pros: The acting had no right being as good as it was.

Cons: “BIBLICAL NAMES! WE ALL HAVE BIBLICAL NAMES BEFITTING OUR CHARACTERS!! GET IT?! DO YOU FUCKING GET IT YET?!?!”

Biggest movie cliché: The bad guy survives an impossible-to-survive situation, and returns to muck up the works.

Say a nice thing: Not as overtly jesusy as I was expecting. Thank god!

Say a creepy thing: I wish Jacey would climb all over my face.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Why’d they bring up Machu Picchu? That’s Incan, not fucking Mayan.

Most relatable current event: Jesus has returned! It’s a miracle!

Final review: Finally! A movie that seamlessly ties together Christianity, the Mayan civilization, and an English Christmas carol! Seriously though, with a little focus, this film might’ve actually been good. A little subtlety with the jesus angle, get rid of the Christmas carol nonsense entirely, and you’ve got a decent disaster flick. It’s hilarious (Unintentionally, I’m pretty sure.) how fast 12 Disasters escalates, but despite its graceless beginning, the movie boasts an impressive, dare I say exciting, pace. Unfortunately, the filmmakers seemed to think the audience wouldn’t understand who was good and who was evil, so it repeatedly, and obnoxiously, sledgehammered the already obvious point home. I really did want to like this movie. The film’s poster has a cross on it, yet I was enjoying it! Do you know how surprising that is?! The negatives just barely outweigh the positives. So close to a coveted three star bee rating.

Ranking:

2.5 bees