Izzie’s Way Home

Title: Izzie’s Way Home

Director: Sasha Burrow

Writer: Camille Licate, Hank Woon Jr.

Starring: Bonnie Dennison, Tom Virtue, Tori Spelling, the fat guy from *NSYNC

Year released: 2016

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I’m very intrigued to see how The Asylum handles animation. I believe this is their first attempt.

Their synopsis: “A constantly picked-on aquarium fish escapes her yacht home, unaware of the dangers that await her in the open ocean…” Via IMDB, as Asylum’s page gives no summary.

My synopsis: All the fish from some rich douchebag’s aquarium fall into the ocean and/or the exact plot of Finding Nemo, where adventure awaits them.

Quick review: Any parent that bought this movie for their child instead of taking them to go see Finding Dory should be crucified.

Pros: Fish finally acknowledging that they are weird-looking.

Cons: I don’t know much about this kind of thing, but I can’t imagine the first rule of animation is “Make it as lifeless as possible, please!”

Biggest movie cliché: The moral of the film is that it doesn’t matter how you look, it just matters what you do. Literally. “It doesn’t matter how you look, it just matters what you do.” They say that shit like five times.

Say a nice thing: Nowhere else in the history of our galaxy can you watch an Italian sea cucumber talk about farting.

Say a mean thing: That one red fish was a bitcharoo.

Say a meaner thing: Isabel is the fish equivalent of an autistic burn victim.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: It’s a fucking cartoon…

Most relatable current event: I only recently learned that Pixar’s next release is Cars 3. Fuck all of those Cars movies. They stink.

Final review: You can do anything you want with animation. There are no rules. (Space Jam taught us this twenty years ago.) Yet, The Asylum chose to recreate 95% of its film catalogue, by having unlikeable characters stand around dead-eyed, trading banal lines of dialogue. The animation itself was very inconsistent. At times it was multi-layered and textured, while at others looked like it was rendered on an Apple II. And is it really asking too much for the mouths to match what is being said? It’s 2016. The Asylum couldn’t have spent more than $4,000 on this entire endeavor. I honestly can’t believe it took them this long to realize it’s easier to half-ass it through animation.

Ranking:

2 bees

 

Cowboys vs Dinosaurs

Title: Cowboys vs Dinosaurs

Director: Ari Novak

Writer: Anthony Fankhauser, Rafael Jordan

Starring: Rib Hillis, Casey Fitzgerald, Kelcey Watson

Year released: 2015

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I’m not sure I remember how to do this; I’m just trying to stave off crippling depression. Things are…not going well.

Their synopsis: “When an accidental mine explosion releases dinosaurs, the citizens of an Old West frontier town must defend themselves against the prehistoric menace.”

My synopsis: Dozens of theropods, including one T. rex, that have apparently been living underground for millions of years (surviving on god knows what) are brought to the surface, and begin killing desert trash for sport. The last part I understand.

Quick review: I don’t think any of these people are actually cowboys.

Pros: Some mildly attractive girl with a terrible tattoo let a river masturbate her.

Cons: It’s like they’ve never even heard of dinosaurs. And why are all these young, hot women dating gross old guys?

Biggest movie cliché: Doesn’t seem like this small-town, power-hungry sheriff has his priorities in line.

Say a nice thing: The triumphant return of serious thespian Sara Malakul Lane. Here she is with her tits on a skateboard.

Say a sarcastic thing: Eric Roberts playing a washed-up, alcoholic burnout? I don’t buy it.

Say a creepy thing: That dead girl’s camel toe was really turning me on.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Wait a second, were they trying to pass off a radar gun as a Geiger counter? (Oh, methane detector. Still stupid.)

Most relatable current event: Dinosaurs it has none, but Westworld is a goddamn good show.

Final review: The dinosaurs are very clearly physical manifestations of loneliness. They’re ever-present, perpetually simmering just below the surface. The mine is representative of the human psyche, and the message the film is trying to convey, is that there is great danger in carelessly and consistently mining for a positive outcome, as the overwhelming onslaught of self-doubt and isolation is all but assured. It will feast on your flesh. Consume you.

Our protagonist, Valex, is a friendless wanderer, who has returned home after failing to find any true semblance of love or meaning outside of the world in which he grew up. And yet, he still cannot find peace, because the only people he genuinely cares about have moved on with their lives, leaving him to flounder and drown in his unnecessary, useless existence. In order to find “actual” happiness, the reciprocal love of a woman, Val must literally jump off of a goddamn cliff, while simultaneously fighting the fact (/dinosaur) that he will always be alone, in life and in death. So really, what’s the difference?

Is it better to live, conscious of your unending loneliness, or simply die, and be free of the suffering? …Or I could be projecting all that, and this movie is just retarded.

Ranking:

2 bees

Night of the Wild

Title: Night of the Wild

Director: Eric Red

Writer: Delondra Williams

Starring: Tristin Mays, Kelly Rutherford, Rob Morrow

Year released: 2016

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): You thought (hoped) I was dead! Ha! Too bad, suckers! Also, The Asylum is only listed as a distributor on this film. I’m unsure if this is a good thing.

Their synopsis: “When a large meteor crashes into a quiet town, pet dogs become mysteriously aggressive…Roslyn and the other members of her family must find each other by fighting back against the blood-thirsty hounds…”

My synopsis: Green space rocks secretly tell canines to bite every human on the forearm.

Quick review: Redundantly redundant.

Pros: Wolves are genuinely awesome. I wish they’d attack more people associated with Asylum movies. And a guide dog deliberately led its blind owner into the path of an oncoming car. It was hilarious.

Cons: I fucking hate so much people who don’t know how to keep their goddamned dogs quiet.

MFK: Marry Roslyn. Fuck Pia. Kill Alice. Maybe if Mary Katherine O’Donnell had a more visible online presence, or a shorter name, I wouldn’t have to kill her.

Biggest movie cliché: The short-lived illusion of safety.

Say a nice thing: Who’s a good boy?! Shep’s a good boy! Yes, he is!!

Say a mean thing: All old people are cranky and horrible and should be killed.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Are the giant glowing rocks invisible? I don’t understand.

Most relatable current event: Could have started here…

Final review: This is a very poorly edited film. I think that’s my biggest complaint. Shots of nothing; action scenes that take forever and/or don’t make any sense. And every attack scene is the same fucking thing! It’s visually unappealing, and frustrating as shit. Another aspect of this movie that goes beyond the normal expectation of inadequacy is the story itself. The meteors are affecting the dogs on a sensory level, I assume? If so, couldn’t you just remove them? But why can no one see them? Or can they? There’s really no motivation whatsoever for the dogs’ aggressive behavior. Any exposition at all would have been helpful.

Ranking:

2 bees

#1 Cheerleader Camp

Title: #1 Cheerleader Camp

Director: Mark Quod

Writer: Naomi L. Selfman

Starring: Seth Cassell, Jay Gillespie, Erica Duke

Year released: 2010

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): The “Unrated Upskirt Version.” Really the only version, if you ask me.

Their synopsis: “A pair of horny college guys get summer jobs at a sexy cheerleader camp.”

My synopsis: Aren’t all cheerleader camps, “sexy” cheerleader camps?

Quick review: Not funny, occasionally loathsome. Only mildly arousing.

Pros: The movie opens with respectable, progressive, topless large-breasted women bouncing on a trampoline to protest white male paternalism. (I assume.)

Cons: There isn’t one believable aspect of this film. Why complicate yoga shorts and dick jokes with such a retarded plot?

Biggest movie cliché: The awkward, insecure girl that everyone made fun of was actually a great cheerleader?! Now I’ve heard everything!!

Least favorite quote: “I got it at the stripper store.” That’s especially careless writing.

Say a nice thing: I’ve heard of tone-deaf, but after looking at all those hard bodies, I’m going tone-blind!

Say a mean thing: I would only pay Charlene Tilton to appear at her own funeral.

Say a thing: That gay guy is the most passive rapist I’ve ever seen.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Not sure why all these 30-year-olds are at a cheerleading camp.

Most relatable current event: Every single real/faux Star Wars fanboy cheerleading the latest trailer. Everyone wants this movie to be good so goddamn badly, but I’m still not sure. I still remember the disappointment of Super 8.

Final review: First things first. Who the fuck is Charlene Tilton and why am I supposed to give a shit? Because I don’t. She’s an irrelevant person who is an irrelevant addition to an irrelevant movie already riddled with irrelevant plot add-ons. Instead of recreating trite premises such as the scheming rival cheerleader (Named Britt, obviously.) why not lend some of the writing to explain something pertinent, like how the fuck old these people are supposed to be? This film was made by people who haven’t even a cursory knowledge of cheerleading. “Cheerleaders are hot, right? But what else do they do?” “I bet they run constantly, and would be friends with strippers!” The movie’s worst sin, however, is that it thinks it’s cool. It’s not edgy, it’s predictable and monotonous.

Ranking:

2 bees

Megafault

Title: Megafault

Director: David Michael Latt

Writer: Paul Bales

Starring: Brittany Murphy, Eriq La Salle

Year released: 2009

Their synopsis: “A seismologist and a miner must stop a massive earthquake that threatens to tear the world in half.”

My synopsis: “Scientists” try to stop an earthquake by creating another earthquake. Unsurprisingly, this plan backfires.

Quick review: Premise is a bit……shaky. And it’s dull.

Pros: Brittany Murphy was so cute. Why can’t only ugly people die early?

Cons: Why in christ’s name would you leave your kid alone with a trucker? Dan Lane is a terrible father, with a boring name.

Biggest movie cliché: Just outracing an earthquake. Stopping to rubberneck amidst running for your life.

Say a mean thing: Had I recently watched myself in this horseshit, I would have taken a bunch of pills too.

Say a racist thing: Brittany Murphy is a coal-burning race traitor.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Not one human being of importance would be slightly upset if Lexington, Kentucky sank into the earth.

Most relatable current event: #BlackLivesMatter, just not as much as #WhiteLives do, apparently.

Final review: The majority of Megafault takes place in the American Midwest, which is really a perfect representation of this film. Large stretches of nothingness, with mildly interesting stops along the way. And it’s about family. Specifically, white families. It is a foregone conclusion that Brittany Murphy’s underdeveloped character (one of many) and her family will be happily reunited at the end of the movie, so there are no stakes during the tedious, repetitive action sequences. Overall, it’s the kind of Asylum film you’ve seen a hundred times before. Unless, unlike me, you have anything better to do with your time.

Ranking:

2 bees

Stonados

Title: Stonados

Director: Jason Bourque

Writer: Rafael Jordan

Starring: Paul Johansson, Sebastian Spence, Miranda Frigon

Year released: 2013

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I tried to review this awhile ago, watched the first nine minutes, then said, “Nah, fuck this.” Let’s try again.

Their synopsis: “All hail breaks loose when tornadoes hurl large stones over Boston.”

My synopsis: A cute cop, an egocentric weatherman, and an absentee teacher drive around greater Boston warning people of a ridiculous weather phenomenon.

Quick review: The telegraphed action sequences are beyond dreadful, but the rest is surprisingly decent.

Pros: That old bag o’ bones really likes to say “damn.”

Cons: Shouldn’t that teacher (and his kids) be in class? Also, the “scientific” explain of the stonados was horseshit.

Biggest movie cliché: We’ll limit it to the godawful action clichés once our heroes were in the Metro News van. Or the news station being called something as generic as “Metro News.”

Ask a mean question: Is Jessica McLeod going bald, or does she just have a gigantic forehead?

Say a nice thing: Boston is an absolutely lovely city…

Say a mean thing: …full of racist imbeciles with cacophonous accents.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: The most unrealistic game of basketball between two black guys ever put on film.

Most relatable current event: I didn’t know England had tornadoes.

Final review: Well, maybe decent is too strong a word. The story is decidedly average, but it’s almost believable. The characters are also as superficial as can be humanly written, but they’re not woefully acted. (The single father has trouble dealing with his teenage daughter? Aw, man! That’s tough, you guys!) Ultimately, what’s mostly shitty about this movie is that it’s an action film, with some of the worst action scenes imaginable. Not ideal. If you’re not going to spend any time on the plot, at least make sure some aspect of the film is entertaining. There is more than a hint of Twister in this movie, as well. Inadvisable.

Ranking:

2 bees

Avengers Grimm

Title: Avengers Grimm

Director: Jeremy M. Inman

Writer: Jeremy M. Inman

Starring: Casper Van Dien, Lauren Parkinson

Year released: 2015

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I was working really hard this summer at a job I actually liked. I’d apologize for my absence, but I’m pretty sure you don’t care/aren’t reading this anyway.

Their synopsis: “When Rumpelstiltskin destroys the Magic Mirror and escapes to the modern world, the four princesses…are sucked through the portal too. Well-trained and endowed with magical powers, they must fight Rumpelstiltskin and his army of thralls before he enslaves everyone one earth.”

My synopsis: Semi-attractive, middle-aged witches (none of whom can act) are magically transported to 2015 Los Angeles. None of them end up in porn. Completely unrealistic.

Quick review: It’s been awhile, but I’m quite certain the acting was especially godawful. Story was meh.

Pros: Justine Herron. Yum.

Cons: I don’t understand why everyone hates Little Red Riding Hood.

Biggest movie cliché: Don’t these bitches have magic or something? Why are they using it so selectively?

MFK: This is a tough one. Marry Sleeping Beauty. Fuck Rapunzel. Kill Snow White. I’m unsure where Cinderella lands. (Probably fuck.)

Say a nice thing: Red’s jump-table-roll thing was badass. She’s also gorgeous.

Say a mean thing: 99% of tribal tattoos are totally gay, and Kimo was a shitty, juiced-up fighter.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: The junkie’s teeth were too nice. And I don’t understand how Rumpelstiltskin got voted in as mayor so quickly.

Most relatable current event: I can’t decide if Mayor Rumpelstiltskin or Mayor de Blasio is ruining their city more.

Final review: Is it really that hard to kill a mayor? Give me a month, I could kill the mayor of any major city. Guaranteed. Anyway…the story doesn’t make any sense, and only serves the purpose of transferring our mythical, magical characters into the present, because Jeremy Inman thought that’d be cool. Unfortunately, none of the characters’ abilities are defined particularly well, nor do they even use them that often. Oh, and the mob is involved. Cause why not? The acting is dreadful, and Lou Ferrigno’s lisp is distracting. ‘Iron John’ is not the name of a fearsome villain; it’s the name of a gay porn actor. Regretfully, a sequel is probable.

Ranking:

2 bees

Icetastrophe

Title: Icetastrophe (Also known as: Christmas Icetastrophe)

Director: Jonathan Winfrey

Writer: David Sanderson

Starring: Victor Webster, Jennifer Spence

Year released: 2014

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I like how they realized only in hindsight that calling the film Christmas Icetastrophe would limit its yearlong marketability.

Their synopsis: “This Christmas, a super frozen object is going to slam into the Earth. In the middle of a small town, and very quickly, dreams of a ‘White Christmas’ will turn into a FROZEN NIGHTMARE.”

My synopsis: I swear to god that is the official synopsis on CineTel Films’ website.

Quick review: Iceterrible. Icetragic. Icetarded. You get the idea…

Pros: Watching all these people be cold makes me want to go outside where it’s 85° and go swimming.

Cons: Worst mom names ever. Faye Ratchet and Krystal Crooge.

Biggest movie cliché: The heartless businessman who only cares about himself.

Favorite quote: This fat, bearded guy said, “Chill.” then got crushed by a large ice rock. Very Mr. Freeze-ish.

Say a nice thing: Marley Crooge is very attractive for someone named “Marley Crooge.”

Say a depressive thing: And once again, the person named Alex is left all alone…

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Nothing makes sense, but would you really expect it to? The name of the movie is Icetastrophe.

Most relatable current event: Haha, this is why you shouldn’t live up north.

Final review: First and foremost, CineTel Films is getting its own category. I mean, look at this shit. The one that really got me was Sharkansas: Women’s Prison Massacre. I cannot wait to hate/jerk off to that movie. Anyway, back to The Happening: Icicle Edition. The Day After Icemorrow. This film is relentlessly stupid. How and why people die is completely arbitrary, and scientific jargon is randomly thrown about with no conscious effort to be coherent. I’m not sure how this garbage compares to other CineTel Films productions, but I’m eager to find out.

Ranking:

2 bees

Grimm’s Snow White

Title: Grimm’s Snow White

Director: Rachel (Lee) Goldenberg

Writer: Naomi L. Selfman

Starring: Eliza Bennett, Jamie Thomas King, Jane March

Year released: 2012

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I can’t find any more Asylum titles on Netflix. Sad face.

Their synopsis: “When the King is killed by ferocious reptile beasts, his Queen takes control of the kingdom. She tries to kill her beautiful stepdaughter SNOW, but she escapes into the enchanted forest…”

My synopsis: I’ll let Netflix take this one, “Unlike the big screen versions, this low budget take adds dragons and other twists into the tale of an evil queen and her beautiful stepdaughter.”

Quick review: Overly complicated nonsense.

Pros: Dungeon sex.

Cons: Seriously? No midgets? Come on, man…

Biggest movie cliché: Stepmoms are bitches.

Say a kinda nice thing: Gwendolyn is a sexy, trampy queen.

Say a kinda mean thing: I mean, I guess Eliza Bennett is attractive. Sort of…

Biggest suspension of disbelief: That one “straight” elf seemed awfully angry to have the fairest maiden in all the land resting in his bed… It’s ok, Orlando, we’re all cool here. Go ahead and say it out loud. You’ll feel much better once you do.

Most relatable current event: Stepparents are embarrassing.

Final review: Why not just make a movie based on the original Brothers Grimm story? It’s an awesome fairy tale, which ends with the queen being “forced to step into [the] red-hot shoes and dance until she fell down dead.” Fucking evil! However, instead of fiery iron sneakers, the viewer is subject to a different kind of gruesome torture. The slow, painful torture of boredom and superfluousness. I cannot see any point whatsoever in adding dragons, demon dogs, amulets, and magic fires to Snow White. They are entirely useless additions. And the attempt to weave all of this drivel into an intelligible plot is poorly executed. The Asylum and modesty simply do not mix.

Ranking:

2 bees

Sleeping Beauty

Title: Sleeping Beauty

Director: Casper Van Dien

Writer: R. Dessertine, Casper Van Dien

Starring: Finn Jones, Olivia d’Abo, Edward Lewis French

Year released: 2014

Their synopsis: “When a young prince and his trusted aide learn of a beautiful Princess’s cursed eternal slumber, they embark on a journey to rescue her. They must battle an evil queen and legions of undead monsters before she will be free.”

My synopsis: A group of (at the very least) bi-curious men go on a confusing, generally unnecessary quest.

Quick review: None of this made sense, or was interesting. At all.

Pros: Oh my god. Grace Van Dien, please.

Cons: I’ve never seen anyone less affected by the death of a sibling.

Biggest movie cliché: Rampant homosexual undertones.

Say a mean thing: Olivia d’Abo is fucking terrible in this.

Say a creepy thing: Which lips can I kiss on Princess Dawn to wake her up?

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Prince Jayson is looking for a princess? An actual, female princess? Haha, sure he is…

Most relatable current event: Go to your regular news site right now. Somewhere, there’s most likely a story about how you’re not getting enough, or the right kind of, sleep.

Final review: I did a fair bit of sleeping of my own during this movie. It’s lack of intelligible plot lulled me into a nice nap. I rewound, and tried a second time. Still got nothing. I suppose the film isn’t really all that bad, it’s just so incoherent. It’s also full of superfluous characters, a number of whom come back into the story arbitrarily, because sure, why not? The movie is just fucking everywhere. And goddamn you for the eventual sequel. If Grace Van Dien isn’t in it, there’s no way I’m watching. She’s a goddess.

Ranking:

2 bees