Almighty Thor

Title: Almighty Thor

Director: Christopher (Douglas-Olen) Ray

Writer: Erik Estenberg

Starring: Cody Deal, Richard Grieco, Patricia Velasquez

Year released: 2011

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): The last movie I watched written by Erik Estenberg was Monster. Off to a bad start already.

Their synopsis: “When the demon god Loki destroys the fortress of Valhalla and steals the Hammer of Invincibility, only the young hero Thor can protect Earth from armageddon.”

My synopsis: Just about the worst goddamn interpretation of Norse mythology you’ll ever find.

Quick review: We may be able to control our own fate, but nobody can control the direction of this meandering dogshit.

Pros: I love Marta! She was great in El Amor Prohibido. Should’ve won the Desi.

Cons: I swear to christ the opening has been used in like nine other Asylum films. And why is there an uzi?

Biggest movie cliché: The whole fucking thing. The hero is worthy, but not quite ready. Courageous, yet immature. He is trained by so-and-so, needs to blah blah blah, and so on. Jesus god…

Say a silly thing: Kevin Nash, perhaps best known as the co-founder of nWo, plays Odin even better than dumb ol’ Anthony Hopkins!

Say a mean thing: I’ve only just learned that “Erik Estenberg” is the same person as “Eric Forsberg.” As if I didn’t already want to decapitate that sneaky jew with a shovel…

Say another mean thing: The fight coordinator for this film should be beaten to death like Gaddafi.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Cody Deal playing the lead. Shane Van Dyke very clearly should have played Thor.

Most relatable current event: In the lead-up to Infinity War, James Gunn is awfully high on the new Captain America.

Final review: It’s kind of hard to tell whether the writing is making the actors worse, or if the actors are making the writing worse. Either way, it’s still worse. I mean, my god is it worse… In one supposedly emotional scene, where Thor is realizing he may not have all the answers, some lady pushing her kid in a stroller wanders into the shot, and stares at the camera. This seriously fucking happens. Sixty-three minutes into the movie. AND THEY LEFT IT IN!!! Are you kidding me?! I honestly cannot tell if anyone involved in Almighty Thor is even trying, or if this is the best they can do. They should all feel bad about themselves regardless.

Ranking:

1.5 bees

Battledogs

Title: Battledogs

Director: Alexander Yellen

Writer: Shane Van Dyke

Starring: Ariana Richards, Craig Sheffer, Kate Vernon, Pedro Cerrano

Year released: 2013

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Remember Battletoads? That’s instantly what I thought of.

Their synopsis: “…all of Manhattan is quarantined when the ‘Lupine virus’ spreads like wildfire, turning innocent civilians into ravenous wolves…”

My synopsis: Werewolf outbreak in a mythical New York City, where people and traffic cease to exist.

Quick review: Cliché-ridden horseshit.

Pros: Some halfway decent automotive stunt work.

Cons: Battledogs is an especially lousy title. And fuck that goddamn boat chase.

Biggest movie cliché: The government surreptitiously attempting to weaponize something unorthodox.

Best cameo: Bill Duke as President Sheridan. The word ‘Best’ is a little strong, but Bill Duke was in Predator, and that’s really all you need. Although, I am surprised Dennis Haysbert wasn’t cast as the black president. (Haysbert stunk, by the way.)

Least favorite quote: The dialogue is dreadfully unoriginal, but my least favorite line was probably when Major Hoffman threatened a soldier with being “court marshalled so fast your head will spin!”

Say a nice thing: Only realized post-screening that Ariana Richards played Lex in Jurassic Park. What a classic film.

Say a mean thing: What the fuck was Ernie Hudson talking about with the holograms, and why was every C-list black actor cast in this?

Biggest suspension of disbelief: You can’t interrupt a cell phone call with a goddamn walkie talkie.

Most relatable current event: The outbreak of Mets fever in New York City! (Soon to be cured.)

Final review: To be fair, “cliché-ridden horseshit” is an accurate description of most Asylum productions. However, there’s something particularly detestable about this film. It’s mostly just averagely shitty, yet I was very angry. I can’t quite put my finger on it. I’m not sure why I hate this movie so much, but I do. It’s not outstandingly bad, comparatively speaking. I’m repeating myself, so I’ll cut this review short. I cannot condemn this film enough, but if you happened to be trapped in a mineshaft, and it’s playing on the somehow-still-functioning television set, I think you’ll agree with me that Battledogs is the pits. Right before you suffocate and die. God… What an awful way to go. Anyway, I only hope that I haven’t reached a breaking point with the Asylum. Don’t know what I’d do with myself.

Ranking:

1.5 bees

Martian Land

Title: Martian Land

Director: Scott Wheeler

Writer: Jeremy M. Inman

Starring: Alan Polack-name, Jennifer Dorogi, Lane Townsend

Year released: 2015

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I’m annoyed that I can’t find any new Asylum films to review on Netflix. Also, The Martian is excellent. (Finally, Ridley Scott!)

Their synopsis: “In the distant future, mankind lives on Mars…When a massive sandstorm breaks through the dome and destroys Mars New York, those in Mars Los Angeles must figure out how to stop the storm before it wipes them out next.”

My synopsis: A big ass storm threatens to destroy our new Martian civilization. This ridiculous, yet fun idea is thoroughly trampled by inept filmmaking.

Quick review: Jesus fucking christ on a cross this is horrible.

Pros: Mars is cool. Literally!

Cons: Mars New York (MNY) and Mars Los Angeles (MLA). How fucking uninspired.

Biggest movie cliché: Love triangles are so distracting.

Least favorite quote: “Blah blah, stealing Matt Damon’s line from The Martian’s trailer, blah.”

Say a nice thing: The cute, understated lesbian couple should have been given more screen time. They weren’t abysmal.

Say a mean thing: Dionne Neish’s accent in this is fucking enraging. Does she really talk like that?

Ruin a nice thing that you said: Of course Mars is wet! Ellie and Ida are out there sloshin’ around in each other’s boxes!

Biggest suspension of disbelief: They stole from Armageddon! Are you fucking serious?! They actively stole from Armageddon! Michael Bay’s Armageddon!! Goddammit!!

Most relatable current event: Unlike this pulseless movie, Mars may have supported life.

Final review: I was not having a great day when I decided to review this film, and motherfucking jesus christ did it get worse. When I reviewed AVH, released in 2007, I wrote that The Asylum has “certainly gotten better over the years in terms of production value and special effects.” This film is a regression. It feels like an early Asylum production. All parts of it are equally horrendous. The costumes are as bad as the settings, which are as bad as the dialogue, acting, plot, editing, effects, etc. The whole movie just happens. It’s forgettable and pointless. And let us not forget that of all the films involving space, these assholes chose to rip off Armageddon. Just embarrassing.

Ranking:

1.5 bees

3-Headed Shark Attack

Title: 3-Headed Shark Attack

Director: Christopher (Douglas-Olen) Ray

Writer: Jacob Cooney, Bill Hanstock

Starring: Karrueche Tran, Brad Mills, Jena Sims

Year released: 2015

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Christopher Ray and multi-headed sharks do not mix well.

Their synopsis: “The world’s greatest killing machine is three times as deadly when a mutated shark originating from the Great Pacific garbage patch eats its way through an island research facility…”

My synopsis: Terrible actors, some of whom have excellent breasts, travel from boat to boat, despite a boring, three-headed shark terrorizing the waters.

Quick review: Please, Christopher, for the love of god, don’t make 4-Headed Shark Attack. I beg of you.

Pros: Every single (annoying, poorly-edited) death is welcomed.

Cons: The entire film should’ve been shot at Jena Sim’s place.

Biggest movie cliché: Because of course the black guy’s name is Omar…

Say a nice thing: Danny Trejo is a likeable fella.

Say a sexist thing: Karrueche Tran and Jena Sims are not actresses. They are objects to be leered at, and used for physical pleasure. That’s the only thing they’re good for.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Hahaha, I loved the shots of the boat’s driver trying to stay out of frame. He didn’t do so well.

Most relatable current event: That garbage patch really is a travesty.

Final review: The massive three-headed shark can apparently attack and kill you from anywhere (standing onshore, using the restroom, etc.), so why would it matter if you successfully swam to a boat? It doesn’t. This is merely one reason the film is tensionless. Another? Much like its predecessor, you’ll hate most of the characters and want them to die. That’s not to say you’ll be rooting for the shark, because the shark is also retarded. As is the dialogue. And the premise. This movie is a mess.

Ranking:

1.5 bees

Hold Your Breath

Title: Hold Your Breath

Director: Jared Cohn

Writer: Geoff Meed, Kenny Zinn

Starring: Katrina Bowden, Randy Wayne, Erin Marie Hogan

Year released: 2012

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): The Asylum plus Katrina Bowden. Yes please.

Their synopsis: “A group of friends on a roadtrip explore a cemetery where the ghost of a notorious serial killer jumps from body to body, killing his victims one by one.”

My synopsis: Some college kids go camping, kill each other, then there’s a ghost fight. You know how it is…

Quick review: This movie defies the laws of stupidity.

Pros: Erin Marie Hogan and her shorts give Katrina Bowden a run for her money.

Cons: Maybe the worst setup for a film in history, and yet somehow, the rest of the story is even worse. It’s really quite fucking astonishing.

Biggest movie cliché: Instantaneous nightfall.

MFK: Marry Jerry. Fuck Natasha. Kill Samantha.

Say a nice thing: Not only is Randy Wayne in the Two First Names Club, but he sure is a handsome son of a gun.

Say a creepy thing: If Katrina Bowden murdered my family, was executed by electrocution, and had been dead for a year, I’d still eat the ass of her corpse.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: I find it hard to believe that if a serial killer is about to be put to death, it’s policy for the warden to remind the victim and her family of the convict’s every rape and bludgeoning.

Most relatable current event: In the wake of the Charlie Hebdo killings, some lady running for president in France wants to bring back capital punishment. The only thing more laughable than a lady president is the Muslim religion.

Final review: I would like to blame the godawful Geoff Meed for the utter lunacy and incoherence of this story, but that credit is actually attributed to some guy named Kenny Zinn. So fuck Kenny Zinn. Nothing makes sense, no rules were followed, and the plot turns are arbitrary. As a result, there’s zero tension. Only aggravation. I wrote a story when I was six or seven, about a ghost that befriends dinosaurs or some shit. It’s a goddamn masterpiece compared to this script. Think about this: the film would have been better off letting Geoff Meed pen the whole thing. I mean, can you even imagine such a scenario? Never in my life did I think I would write that sentence. As of right now, this is Kenny Zinn’s only credit, and it should certainly be his last.

Ranking:

1.5 bees

Alien Origin

Title: Alien Origin

Director: Mark Atkins

Writer: Mark Atkins

Starring: Chelsea Vincent, other folks

Year released: 2012

Their synopsis: “Recently discovered footage from a lost military expedition exposes a horrifying truth about the genesis of life on earth.”

My synopsis: All this shitty footage is found that doesn’t reveal a goddamn thing. I wish it was never recovered.

Quick review: What’s the best ‘found footage’ movie? Cloverfield? Blair Witch Project? A lesser-known film I haven’t seen? Regardless, it’s not this abomination.

Pros: The Mayan ruins and the caves Dr. Holden explores all look really cool. Makes me want to visit Belize.

Cons: All Belizean soldiers speak perfect English. (To be fair, one or two of them is actually English.) Also, the incessant military hand signals don’t mean anything, and are dumb as shit.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: If someone is filming in this movie, they’re also not talking, which doesn’t make any sense. They’re not supposed to be cameramen, just normal people involved in the conversation, that also happen to be filming.

Say a nice thing: Chelsea Vincent is super cute with short blonde hair.

Say a mean thing: Go back to directing dragons, you no-talent fuck.

Biggest movie cliché: For some reason, in found footage films, cameras tend to get fuzzy and/or crap out completely right as something interesting is happening.

Most relatable current event: Whatever the fuck this is.

Final review: Nothing really happens for large stretches of this film. Then, it will lead you to a place where you think something might happen, and again, nothing. (An hour in and they still won’t let you see the aliens. At an hour and twenty-five, they BARELY let you see them. Aliens, mind you, which are supposedly the basis of the entire film!) And the final payoff, which is an insult to the word payoff, of which the title Alien Origin is based, will make you fucking angry. It’s worse than nothing. I think Mark Atkins finished the movie, forget he never explained the title, then took five minutes to write and shoot an epilogue. Fuck him in the ass with a pointy-toothed, oblong skull.

If you’re into watching a pretty girl and a bunch of dudes dressed as soldiers wander through a jungle for an hour and a half, and then be intellectually insulted, this is the film for you. That, however, describes no one.

Ranking:

1.5 bees

Super Cyclone

Title: Super Cyclone

Director: Liz Adams

Writer: Liz Adams

Starring: Ming-Na Wen, Nicholas Turturro, Dylan Vox

Year released: 2012

Their synopsis: “When a super cyclone threatens the entire American eastern seaboard, a lone meteorologist and a petroleum engineer must battle the elements to stop the threat.”

My synopsis: Eastern seaboard? Did The Asylum not even bother to watch its own shitty movie? The whole thing takes place in California.

Quick review: Makes Twister look like a goddamn Best Picture winner.

Pros: I watched this on Netflix. Netflix is good.

Cons: Stop introducing everybody via on-screen text. It is unnecessary and stupid.

Biggest movie cliché: The inability to make a black guy look or sound like a normal human being.

Least favorite quote: “Warm water? Moist air? …It’s the devil’s playground.” Ugh.

Say a nice thing: I like all the nice, sunny weather. Doesn’t help your film’s premise whatsoever, but it makes me want to visit Los Angeles.

Say a mean thing: Parkinson’s patients have more fluidity than these “actors.”

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Loosest. Tourniquet. Ever. That fat bastard should’ve lost his leg. Also, why in christ’s name were you showing a map of Florida and talking about Southern California?

Most relatable current event: Southern Californians and Mother Nature not getting along.

Final review: Running calculations? Really? Were you? In the back of an SUV with no equipment? You’re an asshole, Percy. The scientific dialogue in this film isn’t so much spoken, as regurgitated like a mother bird feeding her hatchlings. I’m not sure if Liz Adams is a terrible writer, or just doesn’t understand science because she’s a woman. Either way, it’s enraging to listen to, and the actors are equally as enraging to watch.

Ranking:

1.5 bees

40 Days and Nights

Title: 40 Days and Nights

Director: Peter Geiger

Writer: H. Perry Horton

Starring: Alex Carter, Monica Keena

Year released: 2012

Their synopsis: “When a colossal tectonic shift causes the sea level to start rising, a microbiologist gathers the DNA of as many species as she can, while the military creates an ‘ark’ in a desperate attempt to preserve life on Earth.”

My synopsis: Floods. DNA. Engines. Boat.

Quick review: The bible’s version of massive flooding makes more sense.

Pros: I searched, but I don’t have anything. It’s too bland and disjointed.

Cons: DNA samples of 160,000 plant and animal species? That’s fucking nothing.

Least favorite quote: “It’s been so long since we’ve just sat and aten together.” Lieutenant John’s fiancée is a moron.

Biggest movie cliché: Risky helicopter rescue, I suppose.

Say a nice thing: Nice nipples, Tessa.

Say a mean thing: Morgantown, Pennsylvania? That city deserves to be swallowed by a sinkhole.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Sure, exile one of the two scientists who understands how to operate the massive ship’s engine. Genius.

Final review: Scattershot. That’s the best word to describe this movie. There’s barely a plot, no intelligible goal… The filmmakers have no idea what it is they’re trying to accomplish, so they keep adding subplots that never amount to anything. And then it ends. No tension. No conflict, really. I don’t know what I just watched.

Ranking:

1.5 bees

13/13/13

Title: 13/13/13

Director: James Cullen Bressack

Writer: James Cullen Bressack

Starring: Trae Ireland, Erin Coker, a lot of terrible actors

Year released: 2013

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Let’s just get this over with…

Their synopsis: Blah blah Mayans blah, “Now we are in the 13th month of the 13th year of the new millennium, and the few who survive will battle a world of demons.”

My synopsis: A bunch of people who are zombies or something get angry, curse, then laugh. Except for this one guy and a nurse because they’re leap year babies.

Quick review: Incomprehensibly stupid. Embarrassingly acted.

Pros: A pedophile was murdered by a child.

Cons: That fat, tattooed piece of shit wants to be Nick Frost so badly.

Biggest movie cliché: Bad guys always turn on each other at the most inopportune times.

Favorite quote: “We found the deserter!” Said by a crazy guy right before he shoots the main characters daughter in the head. It was easily the best part of the movie. Sorta like when Liam Neeson shoots that guy’s wife in Taken.

Say a nice thing: It appears as though this Asylum trilogy predates the Mega Shark trilogy. I was wrong.

Say a racist thing: That black guy was hanging out with too many white people for my liking.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Quentin’s roadkill game doesn’t appear to make any sense.

Most relatable current event: A black cop kills a bunch of white people. #JusticefortheZombies

Final review: The final 15-20 minutes or so are surprisingly un-horrible. Getting there is the problem. Past the remarkably razor-thin plot, godawful acting, glaring inaccuracies, etc. That it had a “writer” is strange to me. Just letting the actors talk as themselves would have been more convincing. They sure as shit can’t act; I think it would’ve been worth a shot. Bottom line, this is not a well-made film.

Ranking:

1.5 bees

Piranhaconda

Title: Piranhaconda

Director: Jim Wynorski

Writer: J. Brad Wilke, Mike MacLean

Starring: Rib Hillis, Terri Ivens, Shandi Finnessey, Michael Madsen

Year released: 2012

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Somehow, this is the sequel to Sharktopus.

Their synopsis: “Life imitates art when a horror film crew encounters a half fish, half snake monster!”

My synopsis: Bad actresses with big tits get eaten by a large fish-headed serpent. Something about ransom.

Quick review: I’m not sure it’s worse than Sharktopus, but I’m also not sure it’s better.

Pros: Very attractive women.

Cons: Mike MacLean wrote it. He should have his goddamn hands chopped off.

Biggest movie cliché: The scientist’s theft of the creature’s egg turns out to be a bad idea.

Least favorite quote: Stop saying, “Leilani!”

Say a nice thing: I hate to admit this, but I actually smiled at one of the meta-jokes. It wasn’t out of amusement, but out of “I can’t believe you just said that. You son of a bitch…”

Say a mean thing: I’d rather have somebody cut my ear off and set me on fire than watch this movie again.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: I can’t believe how much I like the Piranhaconda’s theme song. I should be shot. The Sharktopus has a theme song too, which I apparently overlooked. Also quite catchy.

Most relatable current event: New Jersey’s stealth anaconda.

Final review: The more I review this movie, the more I realize I basically just rewatched Sharktopus. That’s why this counts as the sequel, because it’s just as painfully dreadful. The same awful meta-jokes, the same horrible acting, the same ending, the same rage slowly building inside me. Perhaps the only reason I don’t hate it as much as its predecessor is because I haven’t watched a godawful B movie in about a month, and I don’t remember how annoyed I should be.

Ranking:

1.5 bees