Izzie’s Way Home

Title: Izzie’s Way Home

Director: Sasha Burrow

Writer: Camille Licate, Hank Woon Jr.

Starring: Bonnie Dennison, Tom Virtue, Tori Spelling, the fat guy from *NSYNC

Year released: 2016

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I’m very intrigued to see how The Asylum handles animation. I believe this is their first attempt.

Their synopsis: “A constantly picked-on aquarium fish escapes her yacht home, unaware of the dangers that await her in the open ocean…” Via IMDB, as Asylum’s page gives no summary.

My synopsis: All the fish from some rich douchebag’s aquarium fall into the ocean and/or the exact plot of Finding Nemo, where adventure awaits them.

Quick review: Any parent that bought this movie for their child instead of taking them to go see Finding Dory should be crucified.

Pros: Fish finally acknowledging that they are weird-looking.

Cons: I don’t know much about this kind of thing, but I can’t imagine the first rule of animation is “Make it as lifeless as possible, please!”

Biggest movie cliché: The moral of the film is that it doesn’t matter how you look, it just matters what you do. Literally. “It doesn’t matter how you look, it just matters what you do.” They say that shit like five times.

Say a nice thing: Nowhere else in the history of our galaxy can you watch an Italian sea cucumber talk about farting.

Say a mean thing: That one red fish was a bitcharoo.

Say a meaner thing: Isabel is the fish equivalent of an autistic burn victim.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: It’s a fucking cartoon…

Most relatable current event: I only recently learned that Pixar’s next release is Cars 3. Fuck all of those Cars movies. They stink.

Final review: You can do anything you want with animation. There are no rules. (Space Jam taught us this twenty years ago.) Yet, The Asylum chose to recreate 95% of its film catalogue, by having unlikeable characters stand around dead-eyed, trading banal lines of dialogue. The animation itself was very inconsistent. At times it was multi-layered and textured, while at others looked like it was rendered on an Apple II. And is it really asking too much for the mouths to match what is being said? It’s 2016. The Asylum couldn’t have spent more than $4,000 on this entire endeavor. I honestly can’t believe it took them this long to realize it’s easier to half-ass it through animation.

Ranking:

2 bees

 

Zoombies

Title: Zoombies

Director: Glenn Miller

Writer: Scotty Mullen

Starring: Ione Butler, Kim Nielsen, Andrew Asper

Year released: 2016

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): The last zombie movie helmed by Glenn Miller and Scotty Mullen is arguably the least funny thing ever put to film.

Their synopsis: “When a strange virus quickly spreads through a safari park and turns all the zoo animals undead, those left in the park must stop the creatures before they escape and zombify the whole city.”

My synopsis: A strange virus quickly spreads through a “screenwriter” and turns all his wild Jurassic World fantasies into boring garbage.

Quick review: It was tirezoome. (I can make shitty puns too.)

Pros: Ione Butler has a little Zoe Saldana thing going on. I’m a big fan of that. And also the shorts she was wearing.

Cons: CGI Kifo and man-in-a-suit Kifo look remarkably different, yet, I’m not sure which one I hate more.

Biggest movie cliché: A sweet, little girl beating an undead koala to death with an aluminum bat. Per usual…

Favorite quote: “You and your family will be able to ‘monkey’ around, on a variety of kid-friendly amusements…” Not ashamed to say I laughed at this. I liked that whole commercial, really. I’d go visit Eden Wildlife Zoo.

Least favorite quote: “I’m going for the brain.” She said out of nowhere for no discernible reason.

Say a nice thing: I recognize Kim Nielsen from something.

Say a mean thing: Amber’s a cunt. (Tried and true.)

Biggest suspension of disbelief: It’s readily apparent that no one sat on an elephant during the making of this film. Or ziplined.

Most relatable current event: I haven’t been to the zoo in awhile, but I almost went to the aquarium last week. Does that count?

Final review: I know I’ve suggested Asylum name changes in the past, but ‘Squandered Potential Studios’ has an appropriately nice ring to it. Every production company and their lazy whore of a mother has to try and make a zombie movie with a slightly different take on the genre. However, I don’t hate the idea of a zombie zoo. A lot of fun to be had there. What bothers me, of course, is the inevitable Asylum-ing of an interesting premise. The story turns are ridiculous, and none of the characters behave in a way that’s even remotely believable. The lack of forethought continues to puzzle me.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Little Dead Rotting Hood

Title: Little Dead Rotting Hood

Director: Jared Cohn

Writer: Gabriel Campisi

Starring: Eric Balfour, Bianca A. Santos, Lil’ Romeo (Seriously.)

Year released: 2016

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): The first Asylum release of 2016.

Their synopsis: “Something sinister is lurking in the woods, and the residents of the small town nearby are falling victim to its bloodlust…”

My synopsis: Man vs nature vs mediocre filmmaking.

Quick review: If anyone else had played Sheriff Adam, I probably would have cut my ears off and gouged my eyes out.

Pros: Eric Balfour. His presence made most of the horseshit exposition seem plausible, and he delivered his equally terrible lines with aplomb. This would’ve been a much worse film without him.

Cons: How does Lil’ Romeo have that many acting credits? He’s awful. (I do like that denim shirt he was wearing in the beginning though.)

Biggest movie cliché: Monsters love interrupting couples mid-coitus.

Favorite quote: “You are a bitch.” Adam correctly defining his ex-wife.

Say a nice thing: Benson is an amusing secondary character.

Say a mean thing: There is absolutely no way Patrick Muldoon wasn’t coked out of his mind during every scene.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: You clearly didn’t hit play on that iPod, Jenny.

Another favorite quote: “She asked about you…She wanted to know if you were retarded.” Rita with a sick burn.

Final review: It should come as no surprise that hackneyed writer Gabriel Campisi is responsible for Jailbait, having penned 17 & Life: Jail Bait, a comic book which can be purchased for $4. I imagine shooting this movie was mentally exhausting for Eric Balfour, given the far inferior talent that surrounded him on-screen and off. He quite literally carries the film, and is the only human/wolf/werewolf in which you will have a vested interest. I hope he got paid well. Finally, as Lil’ Romeo inexplicably crawled out from whichever abyss he lay dormant to appear in Little Dead Rotting Hood, it feels appropriate to mention that children making godawful rap music used to be a popular thing. He really has led an embarrassing life.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Almighty Thor

Title: Almighty Thor

Director: Christopher (Douglas-Olen) Ray

Writer: Erik Estenberg

Starring: Cody Deal, Richard Grieco, Patricia Velasquez

Year released: 2011

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): The last movie I watched written by Erik Estenberg was Monster. Off to a bad start already.

Their synopsis: “When the demon god Loki destroys the fortress of Valhalla and steals the Hammer of Invincibility, only the young hero Thor can protect Earth from armageddon.”

My synopsis: Just about the worst goddamn interpretation of Norse mythology you’ll ever find.

Quick review: We may be able to control our own fate, but nobody can control the direction of this meandering dogshit.

Pros: I love Marta! She was great in El Amor Prohibido. Should’ve won the Desi.

Cons: I swear to christ the opening has been used in like nine other Asylum films. And why is there an uzi?

Biggest movie cliché: The whole fucking thing. The hero is worthy, but not quite ready. Courageous, yet immature. He is trained by so-and-so, needs to blah blah blah, and so on. Jesus god…

Say a silly thing: Kevin Nash, perhaps best known as the co-founder of nWo, plays Odin even better than dumb ol’ Anthony Hopkins!

Say a mean thing: I’ve only just learned that “Erik Estenberg” is the same person as “Eric Forsberg.” As if I didn’t already want to decapitate that sneaky jew with a shovel…

Say another mean thing: The fight coordinator for this film should be beaten to death like Gaddafi.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Cody Deal playing the lead. Shane Van Dyke very clearly should have played Thor.

Most relatable current event: In the lead-up to Infinity War, James Gunn is awfully high on the new Captain America.

Final review: It’s kind of hard to tell whether the writing is making the actors worse, or if the actors are making the writing worse. Either way, it’s still worse. I mean, my god is it worse… In one supposedly emotional scene, where Thor is realizing he may not have all the answers, some lady pushing her kid in a stroller wanders into the shot, and stares at the camera. This seriously fucking happens. Sixty-three minutes into the movie. AND THEY LEFT IT IN!!! Are you kidding me?! I honestly cannot tell if anyone involved in Almighty Thor is even trying, or if this is the best they can do. They should all feel bad about themselves regardless.

Ranking:

1.5 bees

Wuthering High

Title: Wuthering High (Also known as: Wuthering High School)

Director: Anthony DiBlasi

Writer: Delondra Williams

Starring: Paloma Kwiatkowski, Andrew Jacobs

Year released: 2015

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I’ve never read Wuthering Heights, nor do I have the desire to do so. This review will be steeped in ignorance. (Not unlike all the others.)

Their synopsis: “When the wealthy Earnshaw family of Malibu adopts Heath, a troubled teenager, daughter Cathy falls madly in love with him, embittering her rich boyfriend Eddie and the rest of their exclusive community…”

My synopsis: Wuthering Heights filtered through a Twilight lens.

Quick review: God, it’s so angsty.

Pros: Tom’s makes an appearance. Why, I’m not entirely sure. And schoolgirl uniforms.

Cons: Apparently, skateboarding makes you a rebel in 1974 2015.

Biggest movie cliché: None to be found! An amazing, completely original tale of romance between two teenagers from opposite sides of the track!

Best cameo: “What the fuck is James Caan doing here?” is a thing I said out loud.

Say a nice racist thing: Paloma is one cute polack.

Say a mean racist thing: Why would you knowingly invite a spic into your house?

Say some things that aren’t racist: Rachel Fox is fucking beautiful, and I bet it’s really hard for Francesca Eastwood to find glasses that fit her f____ac____e.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: I’m surprised nobody vomited mid-scene from an overdose of schmaltz.

Most relatable current event: While Christmas shopping, I had to leave the mall because there were too many high school girls around and I was going to get in trouble.

Final review: On one hand, the dialogue is superficial garbage. On the other, most of what teenagers say is superficial garbage, so it sort of fits. Having never read Wuthering Heights, but simultaneously knowing The Asylum’s reputation, I can only assume the original classic’s plot was butchered, then infused with angry, overacting Mexicans. So perfectly Asylum. I found this film to be wholly mediocre, but I have emotionally developed beyond that of a 14-year-old. I can understand someone actually enjoying this film, unfortunately, that someone is not me.

Also, I don’t feel great about saying Francesca Eastwood’s eyes are waaay too far apart. They’re not. She’s very pretty.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Barely Legal

Title: Barely Legal

Director: Jose Montesinos

Writer: Naomi L. Selfman

Starring: Jeneta St. Clair, Melissa Johnston, Lisa Younger

Year released: 2011

Their synopsis: “Sue, Cheryl, and Lexi–all freshman in college–have been friends forever…Every year, they do something special to celebrate their birthday, and this year, on their eighteenth, they’re determined to lose their virginity.”

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening, post-synopsis): They’re “all freshman in college.” I think this gives you some idea of the level of intelligent filmmaking we’re going to be witnessing.

My synopsis: A whore, a prude, and a retarded Anna Faris throw a pool party in an attempt to lose their virginity. Had they simply had sex with each other, they could have made a much better film, and saved money on decorations.

Quick review: Not terrible. Fairly sexy.

Pros: Making fun of the visually-impaired. Goes by quickly.

Cons: There’s no way this movie took more than 37 hours to film.

Biggest movie cliché: Some type of teenage sex pact.

Favorite quote: “I’m blind, you fucking asshole.”

Say a nice thing: Lexi’s a goddamn champion.

Say a mean thing: Chris is very clearly a fag.

Say a creepy thing: ‘Barely legal’ isn’t even 18 in the best states.

Vulgar, unnecessary spoiler: A dog ate the shit outta some girl’s pussy.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: That the main characters are anywhere close to 17. Their daughters are already 20.

Final review: There’s no way the party Sue, Lexi, and Cheryl (When’s the last time you met an 18-year-old named Cheryl?) threw wasn’t the worst party ever. Barely Legal is a much better movie than that was a party. It’s an Asylum sex comedy that didn’t decide it needed an intricate plot line. Always a good move. One-dimensional characters finding themselves in awkward sexual situations. Comedy gold! Or not gold, exactly. Comedy pyrite. Sort of unfair to say the characters didn’t experience any personal growth, either. One realized she was dating the wrong kind of guy, one realized she is bisexual, and one became a chronic masturbator. Lessons abound.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

 

Battledogs

Title: Battledogs

Director: Alexander Yellen

Writer: Shane Van Dyke

Starring: Ariana Richards, Craig Sheffer, Kate Vernon, Pedro Cerrano

Year released: 2013

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Remember Battletoads? That’s instantly what I thought of.

Their synopsis: “…all of Manhattan is quarantined when the ‘Lupine virus’ spreads like wildfire, turning innocent civilians into ravenous wolves…”

My synopsis: Werewolf outbreak in a mythical New York City, where people and traffic cease to exist.

Quick review: Cliché-ridden horseshit.

Pros: Some halfway decent automotive stunt work.

Cons: Battledogs is an especially lousy title. And fuck that goddamn boat chase.

Biggest movie cliché: The government surreptitiously attempting to weaponize something unorthodox.

Best cameo: Bill Duke as President Sheridan. The word ‘Best’ is a little strong, but Bill Duke was in Predator, and that’s really all you need. Although, I am surprised Dennis Haysbert wasn’t cast as the black president. (Haysbert stunk, by the way.)

Least favorite quote: The dialogue is dreadfully unoriginal, but my least favorite line was probably when Major Hoffman threatened a soldier with being “court marshalled so fast your head will spin!”

Say a nice thing: Only realized post-screening that Ariana Richards played Lex in Jurassic Park. What a classic film.

Say a mean thing: What the fuck was Ernie Hudson talking about with the holograms, and why was every C-list black actor cast in this?

Biggest suspension of disbelief: You can’t interrupt a cell phone call with a goddamn walkie talkie.

Most relatable current event: The outbreak of Mets fever in New York City! (Soon to be cured.)

Final review: To be fair, “cliché-ridden horseshit” is an accurate description of most Asylum productions. However, there’s something particularly detestable about this film. It’s mostly just averagely shitty, yet I was very angry. I can’t quite put my finger on it. I’m not sure why I hate this movie so much, but I do. It’s not outstandingly bad, comparatively speaking. I’m repeating myself, so I’ll cut this review short. I cannot condemn this film enough, but if you happened to be trapped in a mineshaft, and it’s playing on the somehow-still-functioning television set, I think you’ll agree with me that Battledogs is the pits. Right before you suffocate and die. God… What an awful way to go. Anyway, I only hope that I haven’t reached a breaking point with the Asylum. Don’t know what I’d do with myself.

Ranking:

1.5 bees

San Andreas Quake

Title: San Andreas Quake

Director: John Baumgartner

Writer: John Baumgartner

Starring: Jhey Castles, Lane Townsend, Grace Van Dien, Jason Woods

Year released: 2015

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): GVD!

Their synopsis: “When a discredited L.A. Seismologist warns of an impending 12.7 earthquake, no one takes her seriously. Now on her own, she races desperately to get her family to safety…”

My synopsis: A seismologist (lowercase ‘s’) finds out her daughter is dating a black guy and is absolutely not cool with it. I mean, she doesn’t say that, but I could tell… Oh, and LA is being destroyed by massive earthquakes.

Quick review: The exact movie you expect it to be. No more, no less.

Pros: An Edison slam. I like a pro-Tesla film.

Cons: Honest to god, whose idea was the hippo attack? Because why?

Biggest movie cliché: White ladies falling down while being chased.

Favorite quote: “Four-way!” Gay guys are always requesting orgies.

Say a mean thing: That’s not your son, lady. That’s a fat, dead Mexican man.

Say another mean thing: Somebody needs to push that chatty old bitch into a chasm.

Say more horrible things: If I was trapped on that elevator with Grace Van Dien, I’d murder the old people and impregnate her. And Nick probably drives around the US raping children in the back of his van.

Least favorite quote: “Hold onto your butts.” Asshole Sam Jackson thieves.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: I don’t want to sound racist, but I can’t believe Ali would date that terrible, big-lipped jigaboo.

Most relatable current event: Life imitates art.

Final review: I don’t know if it was the movie’s racism or mine, but here’s a rundown of James Woods’ character in the film. A black guy who dates a white girl, doesn’t know his father, can’t take care of his car, steals another car, kills some other white lady, and at one point is accused of having a gun. On the other hand, he is making his own way through college to be a seismologist, so I guess he’s not a total stereotype. Still, I should be dating Grace Van Dien’s character, not him. Although I have to say, more a fan of her in Sleeping Beauty than this. Surprisingly, I’m not digging her overly-made-up “rebellious teen” look. …This isn’t much of a film review, is it? Pretty judgmental all around today. More of an indictment on me than the movie, really. …I need a girlfriend…

Ranking:

2.5 bees

 

Hercules Reborn

Title: Hercules Reborn

Director: Nick Lyon

Writer: Jim Hemphill, Jose Montesinos

Starring: John Hennigan, Christian Oliver, Dylan Vox

Year released: 2014

Their synopsis: “When a young man’s bride is kidnapped by an evil king, he turns to Hercules for help. The fallen hero has been living in exile…Together, they fight to rescue the bride and reclaim Hercules’ honor.”

My synopsis: Out of nowhere, some guy remembers some dude named Hercules is a bad motherfucker who can maybe help him overthrow some other guy who decided he wanted to be king.

Quick review: “The Rock woulda been fucked these niggas up.” -WorldStar commenter-

Pros: The sets weren’t good, but I was expecting worse.

Cons: The armor looked plastic, and not one thing the “comic relief” said was funny.

Biggest movie cliché: Villains slowly attacking a single man one by one.

Favorite quote: “Cunt.” The appropriate response when a woman, literally or figuratively, stabs you in the back.

Say a nice thing: Goddamn, Hercules is cut the fuck up! Turns out, John Hennigan is a wrestler who goes by John Morrison/Johnny Mundo. I was wondering why Hercules frog splashed some guy in the middle of a fight scene. (I’m serious. That actually happened.)

Say a mean thing: I thought Nikos was gay until he raped Arius’s wife.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Sure, let’s just shoehorn Hercules in like that. What the fuck is going on here?

Best? cameo: James Duval. (Miguel, Randy Quaid’s eldest kid from Independence Day.) I knew I recognized that guy.

Most relatable current event: New HEMA documentary, if you’re interested in a nerdgasm.

Final review: A few things really bothered me. Firstly, the modern dialogue written into ancient Greece. I’m not asking for a great deal of historical accuracy with the language, but I do expect better than “I’m totally the best man!” and lines of this ilk. Jim Hemphill is apparently to blame for the godawful screenplay, and I’d be much obliged if he never picked up a pen again. Second, I hated the casting for two of the three main leads. I didn’t buy Christian Oliver as the heroic Arius. He looked more like a homeschooled teenager who’s into obscure sports. Duckpin bowling or something. And Dylan Vox as Nikos looked (and acted) like a shitty alt comic. Hercules being made the outright lead would have resulted in a better film.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

 

#1 Cheerleader Camp

Title: #1 Cheerleader Camp

Director: Mark Quod

Writer: Naomi L. Selfman

Starring: Seth Cassell, Jay Gillespie, Erica Duke

Year released: 2010

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): The “Unrated Upskirt Version.” Really the only version, if you ask me.

Their synopsis: “A pair of horny college guys get summer jobs at a sexy cheerleader camp.”

My synopsis: Aren’t all cheerleader camps, “sexy” cheerleader camps?

Quick review: Not funny, occasionally loathsome. Only mildly arousing.

Pros: The movie opens with respectable, progressive, topless large-breasted women bouncing on a trampoline to protest white male paternalism. (I assume.)

Cons: There isn’t one believable aspect of this film. Why complicate yoga shorts and dick jokes with such a retarded plot?

Biggest movie cliché: The awkward, insecure girl that everyone made fun of was actually a great cheerleader?! Now I’ve heard everything!!

Least favorite quote: “I got it at the stripper store.” That’s especially careless writing.

Say a nice thing: I’ve heard of tone-deaf, but after looking at all those hard bodies, I’m going tone-blind!

Say a mean thing: I would only pay Charlene Tilton to appear at her own funeral.

Say a thing: That gay guy is the most passive rapist I’ve ever seen.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Not sure why all these 30-year-olds are at a cheerleading camp.

Most relatable current event: Every single real/faux Star Wars fanboy cheerleading the latest trailer. Everyone wants this movie to be good so goddamn badly, but I’m still not sure. I still remember the disappointment of Super 8.

Final review: First things first. Who the fuck is Charlene Tilton and why am I supposed to give a shit? Because I don’t. She’s an irrelevant person who is an irrelevant addition to an irrelevant movie already riddled with irrelevant plot add-ons. Instead of recreating trite premises such as the scheming rival cheerleader (Named Britt, obviously.) why not lend some of the writing to explain something pertinent, like how the fuck old these people are supposed to be? This film was made by people who haven’t even a cursory knowledge of cheerleading. “Cheerleaders are hot, right? But what else do they do?” “I bet they run constantly, and would be friends with strippers!” The movie’s worst sin, however, is that it thinks it’s cool. It’s not edgy, it’s predictable and monotonous.

Ranking:

2 bees