Cowboys vs Dinosaurs

Title: Cowboys vs Dinosaurs

Director: Ari Novak

Writer: Anthony Fankhauser, Rafael Jordan

Starring: Rib Hillis, Casey Fitzgerald, Kelcey Watson

Year released: 2015

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I’m not sure I remember how to do this; I’m just trying to stave off crippling depression. Things are…not going well.

Their synopsis: “When an accidental mine explosion releases dinosaurs, the citizens of an Old West frontier town must defend themselves against the prehistoric menace.”

My synopsis: Dozens of theropods, including one T. rex, that have apparently been living underground for millions of years (surviving on god knows what) are brought to the surface, and begin killing desert trash for sport. The last part I understand.

Quick review: I don’t think any of these people are actually cowboys.

Pros: Some mildly attractive girl with a terrible tattoo let a river masturbate her.

Cons: It’s like they’ve never even heard of dinosaurs. And why are all these young, hot women dating gross old guys?

Biggest movie cliché: Doesn’t seem like this small-town, power-hungry sheriff has his priorities in line.

Say a nice thing: The triumphant return of serious thespian Sara Malakul Lane. Here she is with her tits on a skateboard.

Say a sarcastic thing: Eric Roberts playing a washed-up, alcoholic burnout? I don’t buy it.

Say a creepy thing: That dead girl’s camel toe was really turning me on.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Wait a second, were they trying to pass off a radar gun as a Geiger counter? (Oh, methane detector. Still stupid.)

Most relatable current event: Dinosaurs it has none, but Westworld is a goddamn good show.

Final review: The dinosaurs are very clearly physical manifestations of loneliness. They’re ever-present, perpetually simmering just below the surface. The mine is representative of the human psyche, and the message the film is trying to convey, is that there is great danger in carelessly and consistently mining for a positive outcome, as the overwhelming onslaught of self-doubt and isolation is all but assured. It will feast on your flesh. Consume you.

Our protagonist, Valex, is a friendless wanderer, who has returned home after failing to find any true semblance of love or meaning outside of the world in which he grew up. And yet, he still cannot find peace, because the only people he genuinely cares about have moved on with their lives, leaving him to flounder and drown in his unnecessary, useless existence. In order to find “actual” happiness, the reciprocal love of a woman, Val must literally jump off of a goddamn cliff, while simultaneously fighting the fact (/dinosaur) that he will always be alone, in life and in death. So really, what’s the difference?

Is it better to live, conscious of your unending loneliness, or simply die, and be free of the suffering? …Or I could be projecting all that, and this movie is just retarded.

Ranking:

2 bees

Night of the Wild

Title: Night of the Wild

Director: Eric Red

Writer: Delondra Williams

Starring: Tristin Mays, Kelly Rutherford, Rob Morrow

Year released: 2016

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): You thought (hoped) I was dead! Ha! Too bad, suckers! Also, The Asylum is only listed as a distributor on this film. I’m unsure if this is a good thing.

Their synopsis: “When a large meteor crashes into a quiet town, pet dogs become mysteriously aggressive…Roslyn and the other members of her family must find each other by fighting back against the blood-thirsty hounds…”

My synopsis: Green space rocks secretly tell canines to bite every human on the forearm.

Quick review: Redundantly redundant.

Pros: Wolves are genuinely awesome. I wish they’d attack more people associated with Asylum movies. And a guide dog deliberately led its blind owner into the path of an oncoming car. It was hilarious.

Cons: I fucking hate so much people who don’t know how to keep their goddamned dogs quiet.

MFK: Marry Roslyn. Fuck Pia. Kill Alice. Maybe if Mary Katherine O’Donnell had a more visible online presence, or a shorter name, I wouldn’t have to kill her.

Biggest movie cliché: The short-lived illusion of safety.

Say a nice thing: Who’s a good boy?! Shep’s a good boy! Yes, he is!!

Say a mean thing: All old people are cranky and horrible and should be killed.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Are the giant glowing rocks invisible? I don’t understand.

Most relatable current event: Could have started here…

Final review: This is a very poorly edited film. I think that’s my biggest complaint. Shots of nothing; action scenes that take forever and/or don’t make any sense. And every attack scene is the same fucking thing! It’s visually unappealing, and frustrating as shit. Another aspect of this movie that goes beyond the normal expectation of inadequacy is the story itself. The meteors are affecting the dogs on a sensory level, I assume? If so, couldn’t you just remove them? But why can no one see them? Or can they? There’s really no motivation whatsoever for the dogs’ aggressive behavior. Any exposition at all would have been helpful.

Ranking:

2 bees

Sharktopus vs Whalewolf

Title: Sharktopus vs Whalewolf

Director: Kevin O’Neill

Writer: Matt Yamashita (No credit given on IMDB. Matt’s embarrassed.)

Starring: Casper Van Dien, Akari Endo, Jorge Eduardo De Los Santos

Year released: 2015

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Was supposed to be Sharktopus vs Mermantula, though I believe that still may be coming. Unfortunately.

Their synopsis: This movie is nowhere to be found on Syfy’s website. No writer credit, and no trace of a web page. All of this tells me that Sharktopus vs Whalewolf will be a clusterfuck. Not that I didn’t have that feeling already…

My synopsis: Sharktopus vs Pteracuda…the comedy!

Quick review: Worse than cancer.

Pros: Marginally better acting compared to previous Sharktopus entries.

Cons: Fuck everyone’s irritating, cacophonous, unfunny accents. Especially Dr. Reinhardt’s.

Biggest movie cliché: A sequel that repeats the previous story in a prettier location.

Favorite quote: “You should kiss her.” Pablo, talking to Ray, about an unconscious woman. Pablo is a sexual predator.

Say a nice thing about Dominicans: Dominican women are very sexy…

Say a mean thing about Dominicans: …which is why men put up with their loud mouths, fast talking, hand gestures, and overall obnoxious, insane personalities.

Say another mean thing: I hope Catherine Oxenberg gets her throat slit during a violent raping.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Roger Corman has no idea this exists.

Most relatable current event: Sean Penn and El Chapo meeting to discuss film is less aggravating than Kevin O’Neill and Matt Yamashita doing the same.

Final review: In some ways, this Sharktopus movie is worse than its predecessors. Which is an unreal sentence to have written. The reason? Sharktopus vs Whalewolf thinks it’s hilarious. The opposite is true, however. Everything that’s supposed to elicit a laugh falls flat. At best. At its worst, it induces rage and fury. (Go ahead and guess which happens more often.) I’m hard-pressed to think of a worse series of films than those involving the Sharktopus monster. To call it a franchise would be an insult to franchises. Only the multiple-headed shark films come close. Jeff Marsten is a cunt.

Ranking:

1 bee

12 Disasters

Title: 12 Disasters (Also known as: The 12 Disasters of Christmas)

Director: Steven R. Monroe

Writer: Sydney Roper, Rudy Thauberger

Starring: Magda Apanowicz, Ed Quinn, Roark Critchlow (Stupid name.)

Year released: 2012

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Why does CineTel Films always try and take the word ‘Christmas’ out of their titles?

Their synopsis: “When Jacey is told she is the ‘chosen’ one, she soon realizes that she is the only one who has the power to stop the impending doom. Using an ancient book of Mayan prophecies, Jacey and her father must figure out how to stop the twelve disasters that begin the countdown to the end of the world!”

My synopsis: A teenage girl’s crazy grandparents turn out to be soothsayers, and now she has to save the town she secretly thinks is totes lame and, like, totally can’t wait to get away from! Gawd!

Quick review: Goddammit. I wanted to like this, but they overdid it.

Pros: The acting had no right being as good as it was.

Cons: “BIBLICAL NAMES! WE ALL HAVE BIBLICAL NAMES BEFITTING OUR CHARACTERS!! GET IT?! DO YOU FUCKING GET IT YET?!?!”

Biggest movie cliché: The bad guy survives an impossible-to-survive situation, and returns to muck up the works.

Say a nice thing: Not as overtly jesusy as I was expecting. Thank god!

Say a creepy thing: I wish Jacey would climb all over my face.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Why’d they bring up Machu Picchu? That’s Incan, not fucking Mayan.

Most relatable current event: Jesus has returned! It’s a miracle!

Final review: Finally! A movie that seamlessly ties together Christianity, the Mayan civilization, and an English Christmas carol! Seriously though, with a little focus, this film might’ve actually been good. A little subtlety with the jesus angle, get rid of the Christmas carol nonsense entirely, and you’ve got a decent disaster flick. It’s hilarious (Unintentionally, I’m pretty sure.) how fast 12 Disasters escalates, but despite its graceless beginning, the movie boasts an impressive, dare I say exciting, pace. Unfortunately, the filmmakers seemed to think the audience wouldn’t understand who was good and who was evil, so it repeatedly, and obnoxiously, sledgehammered the already obvious point home. I really did want to like this movie. The film’s poster has a cross on it, yet I was enjoying it! Do you know how surprising that is?! The negatives just barely outweigh the positives. So close to a coveted three star bee rating.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Stonados

Title: Stonados

Director: Jason Bourque

Writer: Rafael Jordan

Starring: Paul Johansson, Sebastian Spence, Miranda Frigon

Year released: 2013

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I tried to review this awhile ago, watched the first nine minutes, then said, “Nah, fuck this.” Let’s try again.

Their synopsis: “All hail breaks loose when tornadoes hurl large stones over Boston.”

My synopsis: A cute cop, an egocentric weatherman, and an absentee teacher drive around greater Boston warning people of a ridiculous weather phenomenon.

Quick review: The telegraphed action sequences are beyond dreadful, but the rest is surprisingly decent.

Pros: That old bag o’ bones really likes to say “damn.”

Cons: Shouldn’t that teacher (and his kids) be in class? Also, the “scientific” explain of the stonados was horseshit.

Biggest movie cliché: We’ll limit it to the godawful action clichés once our heroes were in the Metro News van. Or the news station being called something as generic as “Metro News.”

Ask a mean question: Is Jessica McLeod going bald, or does she just have a gigantic forehead?

Say a nice thing: Boston is an absolutely lovely city…

Say a mean thing: …full of racist imbeciles with cacophonous accents.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: The most unrealistic game of basketball between two black guys ever put on film.

Most relatable current event: I didn’t know England had tornadoes.

Final review: Well, maybe decent is too strong a word. The story is decidedly average, but it’s almost believable. The characters are also as superficial as can be humanly written, but they’re not woefully acted. (The single father has trouble dealing with his teenage daughter? Aw, man! That’s tough, you guys!) Ultimately, what’s mostly shitty about this movie is that it’s an action film, with some of the worst action scenes imaginable. Not ideal. If you’re not going to spend any time on the plot, at least make sure some aspect of the film is entertaining. There is more than a hint of Twister in this movie, as well. Inadvisable.

Ranking:

2 bees

Sharktopus vs Pteracuda

Title: Sharktopus vs Pteracuda

Director: Kevin O’Neill

Writer: Matt Yamashita

Starring: Katie Savoy, Rib Hillis, Robert Carradine

Year released: 2014

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Airing shortly after Sharknado 2: The Second One, SyFy tried to capitalize on the Sharknado fever. Without Conan O’Brien, no one would have noticed.

Their synopsis: “The battle to end all battles!”

My synopsis: The people who created Sharktopus made another monster/weapon, which is an animal, but also a computer program? Or something? Then some Russian jew steals it. Meanwhile, a new Sharktopus lives at a low-rent Sea World. (Spoiler alert: The battle does not end all battles.)

Quick review: Aggressively hateful.

Pros: Multiple Sharktopus and Pteracuda fights.

Cons: Jesus holy god… It’s all just so fucking mindless and awful.

Biggest movie cliché: I’m pretty sure somebody actually used the phrase, “I’m gettin’ too old for this.” I was a bit distracted though, burning my arm with a lighter, so I may have misheard.

Least favorite quote: Every line of dialogue that didn’t come out of Conan O’Brien’s mouth.

Say a nice thing: Katie Savoy is very pretty.

Say a mean thing: David Carradine accidentally asphyxiated himself jerking off while wearing fishnets in a hotel closet in Bangkok. The Carradine family is still more embarrassed by Robert’s appearance in this film.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: You cannot train a Sharktopus, especially if there’s a fat, stupid Mexican yelling at it.

Most relatable current event: I only discovered doing this review that yet another Sharktopus movie had been made. I’m going to hate myself so much for watching it.

Final review: It really is shocking to see how little New Horizons’ cares about making a watchable film, even in relation to The Asylum. I mean, my god, it’s fucking horrible. I feel like Roger Corman is dead, and people are just assigning his name to things. If he isn’t dead, I certainly hope he dies soon, and in the most painful way an octogenarian can die. Why would he allow this to see the light of day? Sharktopus vs Pteracuda isn’t funny, interesting, clever, well-shot, well-acted, well-anything, and its dialogue raped my ears. It’s abominable.

Ranking:

1 bee

Icetastrophe

Title: Icetastrophe (Also known as: Christmas Icetastrophe)

Director: Jonathan Winfrey

Writer: David Sanderson

Starring: Victor Webster, Jennifer Spence

Year released: 2014

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I like how they realized only in hindsight that calling the film Christmas Icetastrophe would limit its yearlong marketability.

Their synopsis: “This Christmas, a super frozen object is going to slam into the Earth. In the middle of a small town, and very quickly, dreams of a ‘White Christmas’ will turn into a FROZEN NIGHTMARE.”

My synopsis: I swear to god that is the official synopsis on CineTel Films’ website.

Quick review: Iceterrible. Icetragic. Icetarded. You get the idea…

Pros: Watching all these people be cold makes me want to go outside where it’s 85° and go swimming.

Cons: Worst mom names ever. Faye Ratchet and Krystal Crooge.

Biggest movie cliché: The heartless businessman who only cares about himself.

Favorite quote: This fat, bearded guy said, “Chill.” then got crushed by a large ice rock. Very Mr. Freeze-ish.

Say a nice thing: Marley Crooge is very attractive for someone named “Marley Crooge.”

Say a depressive thing: And once again, the person named Alex is left all alone…

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Nothing makes sense, but would you really expect it to? The name of the movie is Icetastrophe.

Most relatable current event: Haha, this is why you shouldn’t live up north.

Final review: First and foremost, CineTel Films is getting its own category. I mean, look at this shit. The one that really got me was Sharkansas: Women’s Prison Massacre. I cannot wait to hate/jerk off to that movie. Anyway, back to The Happening: Icicle Edition. The Day After Icemorrow. This film is relentlessly stupid. How and why people die is completely arbitrary, and scientific jargon is randomly thrown about with no conscious effort to be coherent. I’m not sure how this garbage compares to other CineTel Films productions, but I’m eager to find out.

Ranking:

2 bees

Ghost Shark

Title: Ghost Shark

Director: Griff Furst

Writer: Eric Forsberg, Griff Furst, Paul A. Birkett

Starring: Mackenzie Rosman, Sloane Coe, Dave Davis (terrible fucking name)

Year released: 2013

Their synopsis: “It’s a shark that’s a ghost. Need anything else?”

My synopsis: There’s a shark, which is also a ghost. You’d think you wouldn’t need anything else, but you’d be wrong.

Quick review: Eighty-seven minutes of Jaws-stealing, shoehorned nonsense. This is a movie that did not need to be made.

Pros: Gorgeous sisters, an old, creepy drunk guy, and not canceling a party after your friends die in an effort to get laid.

Cons: The acting and green-screening, along with the entire premise of the film.

Biggest movie cliché: Town elders keeping secret a mysterious and deadly past.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: There was a black guy swimming.

Say a nice thing: The smoking hot little sister loves to commit petty crimes. What a winner!

Say a mean thing: Why is there big fat repulsive slob in the movie? With his shirt off, no less. Fucking gross.

Most relatable current event: This Chimaera.

Final review: Again, if all you want to do is have a luminescent ghost shark eat people in odd/semi-amusing ways, don’t be so goddamn serious. There’s crises of conscience, a guy struggling with the murder of his wife, emotional pleas, etc. Why?! What could any of this possibly add to the basis of the film, which, I reiterate, is that a fucking blue ghost shark eats people in crazy ways! You’re an asshole, Griff Furst. Make me laugh with this horseshit!

Ranking:

2 bees

Piranhaconda

Title: Piranhaconda

Director: Jim Wynorski

Writer: J. Brad Wilke, Mike MacLean

Starring: Rib Hillis, Terri Ivens, Shandi Finnessey, Michael Madsen

Year released: 2012

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Somehow, this is the sequel to Sharktopus.

Their synopsis: “Life imitates art when a horror film crew encounters a half fish, half snake monster!”

My synopsis: Bad actresses with big tits get eaten by a large fish-headed serpent. Something about ransom.

Quick review: I’m not sure it’s worse than Sharktopus, but I’m also not sure it’s better.

Pros: Very attractive women.

Cons: Mike MacLean wrote it. He should have his goddamn hands chopped off.

Biggest movie cliché: The scientist’s theft of the creature’s egg turns out to be a bad idea.

Least favorite quote: Stop saying, “Leilani!”

Say a nice thing: I hate to admit this, but I actually smiled at one of the meta-jokes. It wasn’t out of amusement, but out of “I can’t believe you just said that. You son of a bitch…”

Say a mean thing: I’d rather have somebody cut my ear off and set me on fire than watch this movie again.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: I can’t believe how much I like the Piranhaconda’s theme song. I should be shot. The Sharktopus has a theme song too, which I apparently overlooked. Also quite catchy.

Most relatable current event: New Jersey’s stealth anaconda.

Final review: The more I review this movie, the more I realize I basically just rewatched Sharktopus. That’s why this counts as the sequel, because it’s just as painfully dreadful. The same awful meta-jokes, the same horrible acting, the same ending, the same rage slowly building inside me. Perhaps the only reason I don’t hate it as much as its predecessor is because I haven’t watched a godawful B movie in about a month, and I don’t remember how annoyed I should be.

Ranking:

1.5 bees

Abominable

Title: Abominable

Director: Ryan Schifrin

Writer: Ryan Schifrin, James Morrison

Starring: Matt McCoy, Haley Joel, Retarded Bigfoot

Year released: 2006

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I’ve seen part of this movie before, but I only remember two things. Sasquatch slapping the fuck out of some girl, and Sasquatch crushing somebody’s head with its palms. Should be a good one.

Their synopsis: I can’t find anything on their website, but they do have a link to the Abominable Myspace page. So that’s helpful.

My synopsis: A crippled voyeur faces down a sasquatch with Down syndrome.

Quick review: It’s like Rear Window, but with a ridiculous-looking Bigfoot and almost no suspense.

Pros: Occasionally, the Sasquatch would beat the shit out of somebody, and the movie was hilarious and awesome. Some of the dialogue.

Cons: Most of the time, the Sasquatch was simply dragging people away, and we weren’t being treated to Sasquatch beating the shit out of somebody. Much of the dialogue.

Biggest movie cliché: The ‘skeptical friend’ character, of which there are about eight.

Favorite quote: While his friends were shooting at it, some guy called Bigfoot a “cocksucker.” That really made me laugh.

Say a creepy thing: I probably (definitely) would have watched that lady shower too.

Say a mean thing: Preston’s wife should be happy she died.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: How is a giant, primitive ape able to move as deftly as a ninja? Also, I remember the Internet being a lot more advanced in 2006 than this movie depicts.

Most relatable current event: This asshole who wants Bigfoot to be real.

Final review: It isn’t as fun, but the sasquatch is most certainly as stupid, as I remember. Some of the secondary characters and their situations are well done, but overall it’s not a particularly believable monster movie. June has been a particularly busy month for me, and I’m coming off a terrible bout of food poisoning last night, so I’m just gonna leave it there. I need to get back into the swing of things.

Ranking:

2 bees