Cowboys vs Dinosaurs

Title: Cowboys vs Dinosaurs

Director: Ari Novak

Writer: Anthony Fankhauser, Rafael Jordan

Starring: Rib Hillis, Casey Fitzgerald, Kelcey Watson

Year released: 2015

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I’m not sure I remember how to do this; I’m just trying to stave off crippling depression. Things are…not going well.

Their synopsis: “When an accidental mine explosion releases dinosaurs, the citizens of an Old West frontier town must defend themselves against the prehistoric menace.”

My synopsis: Dozens of theropods, including one T. rex, that have apparently been living underground for millions of years (surviving on god knows what) are brought to the surface, and begin killing desert trash for sport. The last part I understand.

Quick review: I don’t think any of these people are actually cowboys.

Pros: Some mildly attractive girl with a terrible tattoo let a river masturbate her.

Cons: It’s like they’ve never even heard of dinosaurs. And why are all these young, hot women dating gross old guys?

Biggest movie cliché: Doesn’t seem like this small-town, power-hungry sheriff has his priorities in line.

Say a nice thing: The triumphant return of serious thespian Sara Malakul Lane. Here she is with her tits on a skateboard.

Say a sarcastic thing: Eric Roberts playing a washed-up, alcoholic burnout? I don’t buy it.

Say a creepy thing: That dead girl’s camel toe was really turning me on.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Wait a second, were they trying to pass off a radar gun as a Geiger counter? (Oh, methane detector. Still stupid.)

Most relatable current event: Dinosaurs it has none, but Westworld is a goddamn good show.

Final review: The dinosaurs are very clearly physical manifestations of loneliness. They’re ever-present, perpetually simmering just below the surface. The mine is representative of the human psyche, and the message the film is trying to convey, is that there is great danger in carelessly and consistently mining for a positive outcome, as the overwhelming onslaught of self-doubt and isolation is all but assured. It will feast on your flesh. Consume you.

Our protagonist, Valex, is a friendless wanderer, who has returned home after failing to find any true semblance of love or meaning outside of the world in which he grew up. And yet, he still cannot find peace, because the only people he genuinely cares about have moved on with their lives, leaving him to flounder and drown in his unnecessary, useless existence. In order to find “actual” happiness, the reciprocal love of a woman, Val must literally jump off of a goddamn cliff, while simultaneously fighting the fact (/dinosaur) that he will always be alone, in life and in death. So really, what’s the difference?

Is it better to live, conscious of your unending loneliness, or simply die, and be free of the suffering? …Or I could be projecting all that, and this movie is just retarded.

Ranking:

2 bees

6 Guns

Title: 6 Guns

Director: Shane Van Dyke

Writer: Geoff Meed

Starring: Sage Mears (good name), Barry Van Dyke

Year released: 2010

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): First Asylum western I’ve seen. I recently rewatched Tombstone, so why not see how this stacks up?

Their synopsis: “A young woman enlists the aid of a bounty hunter to teach her how to be a gunfighter so she can hunt down the men who killed her family.”

My synopsis: A lady who doesn’t understand she could improve her shooting accuracy by gripping the pistol with two hands wants revenge on the men who raped her and killed her husband and children.

Quick review: If this movie needed a place to sleep for the night, they wouldn’t be allowed to stay at ‘Best Western.’ Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!

Pros: You don’t often see children murdered execution-style in films. I respect the balls it takes to do this, even if it was one of the most drawn-out, poorly edited scenes I’ve ever witnessed.

Cons: Because of course Geoff Meed makes himself the (embarrassingly awful, yet fairly brutal) bad guy. Again. He thinks putting dirt on his character’s face is making him seem tough and rugged. God, what a cunt!

Biggest movie cliché: The Asylum tried to make a western. How many clichés do you think there are?

Least favorite quote: “…get something to eat in your stomach besides whiskey…” When this happens, you do another take. Have some fucking pride in your work, Asylum.

Say a nice thing: The selection of prostitutes at the Bisbee/Whitehorse Saloon is top-notch.

Say a creepy thing: I, too, would like a rubbin’ from Sage Mears. She is gorgeous.

Say a mean thing: Your dead husband’s diet would have contributed to his premature death anyway, Selina, you enabling bitch. Cooking him roast for breakfast, lunch, and dinner?! His cholesterol levels must have been through the roof!

Biggest suspension of disbelief: God forbid you play cards with anything other than a brand new Bicycle deck.

Most relatable current event: I don’t want to bring up Peshawar. It’s too goddamn barbaric. Goddamn Muslim savages…

Final review: Standard western narrative, with serviceable dialogue and acting (generally). My problem is that it takes forever for anything to get done. Aggrieved woman wants bounty hunter to teach her to shoot? “Let’s do it in 16 scenes! That’s sounds like enough!” This movie is 95 minutes long, probably could have been 80. A tighter films equals a better film. It wastes its time on nonsense, then has its characters talk (Fucking talk!) about an epic gunfight instead of actually showing it! Always a good idea in a western to minimize shootouts…

Ranking:

2 bees