Sharktopus vs Whalewolf

Title: Sharktopus vs Whalewolf

Director: Kevin O’Neill

Writer: Matt Yamashita (No credit given on IMDB. Matt’s embarrassed.)

Starring: Casper Van Dien, Akari Endo, Jorge Eduardo De Los Santos

Year released: 2015

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Was supposed to be Sharktopus vs Mermantula, though I believe that still may be coming. Unfortunately.

Their synopsis: This movie is nowhere to be found on Syfy’s website. No writer credit, and no trace of a web page. All of this tells me that Sharktopus vs Whalewolf will be a clusterfuck. Not that I didn’t have that feeling already…

My synopsis: Sharktopus vs Pteracuda…the comedy!

Quick review: Worse than cancer.

Pros: Marginally better acting compared to previous Sharktopus entries.

Cons: Fuck everyone’s irritating, cacophonous, unfunny accents. Especially Dr. Reinhardt’s.

Biggest movie cliché: A sequel that repeats the previous story in a prettier location.

Favorite quote: “You should kiss her.” Pablo, talking to Ray, about an unconscious woman. Pablo is a sexual predator.

Say a nice thing about Dominicans: Dominican women are very sexy…

Say a mean thing about Dominicans: …which is why men put up with their loud mouths, fast talking, hand gestures, and overall obnoxious, insane personalities.

Say another mean thing: I hope Catherine Oxenberg gets her throat slit during a violent raping.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Roger Corman has no idea this exists.

Most relatable current event: Sean Penn and El Chapo meeting to discuss film is less aggravating than Kevin O’Neill and Matt Yamashita doing the same.

Final review: In some ways, this Sharktopus movie is worse than its predecessors. Which is an unreal sentence to have written. The reason? Sharktopus vs Whalewolf thinks it’s hilarious. The opposite is true, however. Everything that’s supposed to elicit a laugh falls flat. At best. At its worst, it induces rage and fury. (Go ahead and guess which happens more often.) I’m hard-pressed to think of a worse series of films than those involving the Sharktopus monster. To call it a franchise would be an insult to franchises. Only the multiple-headed shark films come close. Jeff Marsten is a cunt.

Ranking:

1 bee

Little Dead Rotting Hood

Title: Little Dead Rotting Hood

Director: Jared Cohn

Writer: Gabriel Campisi

Starring: Eric Balfour, Bianca A. Santos, Lil’ Romeo (Seriously.)

Year released: 2016

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): The first Asylum release of 2016.

Their synopsis: “Something sinister is lurking in the woods, and the residents of the small town nearby are falling victim to its bloodlust…”

My synopsis: Man vs nature vs mediocre filmmaking.

Quick review: If anyone else had played Sheriff Adam, I probably would have cut my ears off and gouged my eyes out.

Pros: Eric Balfour. His presence made most of the horseshit exposition seem plausible, and he delivered his equally terrible lines with aplomb. This would’ve been a much worse film without him.

Cons: How does Lil’ Romeo have that many acting credits? He’s awful. (I do like that denim shirt he was wearing in the beginning though.)

Biggest movie cliché: Monsters love interrupting couples mid-coitus.

Favorite quote: “You are a bitch.” Adam correctly defining his ex-wife.

Say a nice thing: Benson is an amusing secondary character.

Say a mean thing: There is absolutely no way Patrick Muldoon wasn’t coked out of his mind during every scene.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: You clearly didn’t hit play on that iPod, Jenny.

Another favorite quote: “She asked about you…She wanted to know if you were retarded.” Rita with a sick burn.

Final review: It should come as no surprise that hackneyed writer Gabriel Campisi is responsible for Jailbait, having penned 17 & Life: Jail Bait, a comic book which can be purchased for $4. I imagine shooting this movie was mentally exhausting for Eric Balfour, given the far inferior talent that surrounded him on-screen and off. He quite literally carries the film, and is the only human/wolf/werewolf in which you will have a vested interest. I hope he got paid well. Finally, as Lil’ Romeo inexplicably crawled out from whichever abyss he lay dormant to appear in Little Dead Rotting Hood, it feels appropriate to mention that children making godawful rap music used to be a popular thing. He really has led an embarrassing life.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Battledogs

Title: Battledogs

Director: Alexander Yellen

Writer: Shane Van Dyke

Starring: Ariana Richards, Craig Sheffer, Kate Vernon, Pedro Cerrano

Year released: 2013

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Remember Battletoads? That’s instantly what I thought of.

Their synopsis: “…all of Manhattan is quarantined when the ‘Lupine virus’ spreads like wildfire, turning innocent civilians into ravenous wolves…”

My synopsis: Werewolf outbreak in a mythical New York City, where people and traffic cease to exist.

Quick review: Cliché-ridden horseshit.

Pros: Some halfway decent automotive stunt work.

Cons: Battledogs is an especially lousy title. And fuck that goddamn boat chase.

Biggest movie cliché: The government surreptitiously attempting to weaponize something unorthodox.

Best cameo: Bill Duke as President Sheridan. The word ‘Best’ is a little strong, but Bill Duke was in Predator, and that’s really all you need. Although, I am surprised Dennis Haysbert wasn’t cast as the black president. (Haysbert stunk, by the way.)

Least favorite quote: The dialogue is dreadfully unoriginal, but my least favorite line was probably when Major Hoffman threatened a soldier with being “court marshalled so fast your head will spin!”

Say a nice thing: Only realized post-screening that Ariana Richards played Lex in Jurassic Park. What a classic film.

Say a mean thing: What the fuck was Ernie Hudson talking about with the holograms, and why was every C-list black actor cast in this?

Biggest suspension of disbelief: You can’t interrupt a cell phone call with a goddamn walkie talkie.

Most relatable current event: The outbreak of Mets fever in New York City! (Soon to be cured.)

Final review: To be fair, “cliché-ridden horseshit” is an accurate description of most Asylum productions. However, there’s something particularly detestable about this film. It’s mostly just averagely shitty, yet I was very angry. I can’t quite put my finger on it. I’m not sure why I hate this movie so much, but I do. It’s not outstandingly bad, comparatively speaking. I’m repeating myself, so I’ll cut this review short. I cannot condemn this film enough, but if you happened to be trapped in a mineshaft, and it’s playing on the somehow-still-functioning television set, I think you’ll agree with me that Battledogs is the pits. Right before you suffocate and die. God… What an awful way to go. Anyway, I only hope that I haven’t reached a breaking point with the Asylum. Don’t know what I’d do with myself.

Ranking:

1.5 bees

Sharktopus vs Pteracuda

Title: Sharktopus vs Pteracuda

Director: Kevin O’Neill

Writer: Matt Yamashita

Starring: Katie Savoy, Rib Hillis, Robert Carradine

Year released: 2014

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Airing shortly after Sharknado 2: The Second One, SyFy tried to capitalize on the Sharknado fever. Without Conan O’Brien, no one would have noticed.

Their synopsis: “The battle to end all battles!”

My synopsis: The people who created Sharktopus made another monster/weapon, which is an animal, but also a computer program? Or something? Then some Russian jew steals it. Meanwhile, a new Sharktopus lives at a low-rent Sea World. (Spoiler alert: The battle does not end all battles.)

Quick review: Aggressively hateful.

Pros: Multiple Sharktopus and Pteracuda fights.

Cons: Jesus holy god… It’s all just so fucking mindless and awful.

Biggest movie cliché: I’m pretty sure somebody actually used the phrase, “I’m gettin’ too old for this.” I was a bit distracted though, burning my arm with a lighter, so I may have misheard.

Least favorite quote: Every line of dialogue that didn’t come out of Conan O’Brien’s mouth.

Say a nice thing: Katie Savoy is very pretty.

Say a mean thing: David Carradine accidentally asphyxiated himself jerking off while wearing fishnets in a hotel closet in Bangkok. The Carradine family is still more embarrassed by Robert’s appearance in this film.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: You cannot train a Sharktopus, especially if there’s a fat, stupid Mexican yelling at it.

Most relatable current event: I only discovered doing this review that yet another Sharktopus movie had been made. I’m going to hate myself so much for watching it.

Final review: It really is shocking to see how little New Horizons’ cares about making a watchable film, even in relation to The Asylum. I mean, my god, it’s fucking horrible. I feel like Roger Corman is dead, and people are just assigning his name to things. If he isn’t dead, I certainly hope he dies soon, and in the most painful way an octogenarian can die. Why would he allow this to see the light of day? Sharktopus vs Pteracuda isn’t funny, interesting, clever, well-shot, well-acted, well-anything, and its dialogue raped my ears. It’s abominable.

Ranking:

1 bee

3-Headed Shark Attack

Title: 3-Headed Shark Attack

Director: Christopher (Douglas-Olen) Ray

Writer: Jacob Cooney, Bill Hanstock

Starring: Karrueche Tran, Brad Mills, Jena Sims

Year released: 2015

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Christopher Ray and multi-headed sharks do not mix well.

Their synopsis: “The world’s greatest killing machine is three times as deadly when a mutated shark originating from the Great Pacific garbage patch eats its way through an island research facility…”

My synopsis: Terrible actors, some of whom have excellent breasts, travel from boat to boat, despite a boring, three-headed shark terrorizing the waters.

Quick review: Please, Christopher, for the love of god, don’t make 4-Headed Shark Attack. I beg of you.

Pros: Every single (annoying, poorly-edited) death is welcomed.

Cons: The entire film should’ve been shot at Jena Sim’s place.

Biggest movie cliché: Because of course the black guy’s name is Omar…

Say a nice thing: Danny Trejo is a likeable fella.

Say a sexist thing: Karrueche Tran and Jena Sims are not actresses. They are objects to be leered at, and used for physical pleasure. That’s the only thing they’re good for.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Hahaha, I loved the shots of the boat’s driver trying to stay out of frame. He didn’t do so well.

Most relatable current event: That garbage patch really is a travesty.

Final review: The massive three-headed shark can apparently attack and kill you from anywhere (standing onshore, using the restroom, etc.), so why would it matter if you successfully swam to a boat? It doesn’t. This is merely one reason the film is tensionless. Another? Much like its predecessor, you’ll hate most of the characters and want them to die. That’s not to say you’ll be rooting for the shark, because the shark is also retarded. As is the dialogue. And the premise. This movie is a mess.

Ranking:

1.5 bees

Mega Shark vs Kolossus

Title: Mega Shark vs Kolossus

Director: Christopher (Douglas-Olen) Ray

Writer: Edward DeRuiter

Starring: Illeana Douglas, Amy Rider, Edward DeRuiter

Year released: 2015

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Whatever happened to Ace Hannah/Jack Perez?

Their synopsis: “In search of a new energy source, Russia accidentally reawakens the Kolossus…At the same time, a new Mega Shark appears, threatening global security. Now the world must figure out how to stop the deadly giants before they destroy everything on land AND sea.”

My synopsis: Yet again, Mega Shark returns, and a new approach to defeating it is conceived. Spoiler alert! It doesn’t work.

Quick review: A step back for the storied Mega Shark franchise.

Pros: The Unicorn Squadron’s uniforms are terrific. And it was funny when Mega Shark blew up jesus. (Team Unicorn is apparently a thing. Who knew?)

Cons: Kolossus is a shitty versee. Also, were the subtitles for the foreigners, who were speaking perfect English, a reference to something? If not, it was just racist.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Fake Sam Jackson. Fuck you, Asylum.

Least favorite quote: For christ’s sake, stop calling it a “Megalodon.” It’s not a Megalodon. Megalodons had a limited size and would not have been impenetrable to missiles. It’s a fucking Mega Shark or it’s nothing!

Say a nice thing: Kolossus threw Mega Shark into space. Yes, it happened, and it was awesome.

Say a mean thing: The editing, especially for the action scenes, is fucking terrible.

Biggest movie cliché: Why does everything mechanical always have a self-destruct feature?

Most relatable current event: The summer belonged to Deep Blue.

Final review: As much as I hated fake Sam Jackson, at least it was obvious wink to the audience. As was blowing up Cristo Redentor, and distracting the giant Soviet-era robot with an enormous American flag. For some reason, however, the film would often stop enjoying its silliness, and decide that Mega Shark versus Kolossus was a subject to be taken seriously. Kolossus is easily the worst of the Mega Shark opponents. Its storyline didn’t make any sense, and was practically unnecessary. If you want Mega Shark to fight a giant robot, there are a hundred better ways to get there. As awful as Kolossus is, the actual villain of the movie is embarrassing. Another Mega Shark will be made; cross your fingers it’s something fun.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!

Title: Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!

Director: Anthony C. Ferrante

Writer: Thunder Levin

Starring: Ian Ziering, Tara Reid, Cassie Scerbo

Year released: 2015

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): A nine-year-old told me it was good. I have certain expectations because of this.

Their synopsis: “When a mass of Sharknadoes threatens America’s East Coast…Fin must again risk his life to save his children on spring break…”

My synopsis: The somehow-not-quite-depleted population of sharks on Earth gets, once again, trapped within various natural disasters that threaten America’s Atlantic coast.

Quick review: Entertaining scenes do not an entertaining movie make.

Pros: Some lucky shark literally ate Maria Menounos’s pussy.

Cons: The whole ‘shark on the roller coaster’ bit was moronic, and Fin’s astronaut song is the gayest song ever recorded.

Biggest movie cliché: Wacky celebrity cameos! So many… wacky… celebrity… cameos… Ugh.

Least favorite quote: “They’re made for each other.” They’re most certainly not, Claudia! He’s black and she’s white, for crying out loud!!

Say a nice thing: God, I’ve missed you, Nova.

Say a mean thing: Tara Reid’s mom is a cunt. Her character’s mother, that is. Not her real mom for keeping her. Well…

Biggest suspension of disbelief: A delicious teenage girl forgetting she has a cell phone.

Most relatable current event: The first of many eye-rollingly blatant product placements is Subway. Subway’s preeminent spokesperson for the last 15 years was recently outed as a pedophile.

Final review: Since Sharknado 4 is already a go, I’d like to make some suggestions to Thunder Levin, who is unclear on the concept of “oversaturation.” Lose. The. Celebrity. Cameos. David Hasselhoff (who was actually good) as Fin’s astronaut dad only works if there aren’t four thousand other celebrities preceding him. Also, write an actual movie, not just a collection of scenes. I know a cogent narrative isn’t exactly what this film’s about, but still… Kudos on the ending, though. The final ten minutes is, amazingly, more ridiculous than Sharknado 2’s finale. I was not sure that could be done. Impressively ludicrous.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Blood Lake

Title: Blood Lake (Attack of the Killer Lampreys)

Director: James Cullen Bressack

Writer: Anna Rasmussen, Delondra Williams

Starring: Jason Brooks, Shannen Doherty, Zack Ward

Year released: 2014

Their synopsis: “After chomping through the fish population, thousands of starved lampreys begin attacking the citizens of a sleepy lake town, and the community scrambles to stay alive.”

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening, post-synopsis): Couldn’t you just stay out of the water?

My synopsis: Apparently, staying out of the water isn’t enough, as lampreys are all but indestructible, and masters of modern warfare.

Quick review: Started promisingly enough, but just became too goddamn stupid.

Pros: Ellen, the trampy homewrecker, and Nicole, the rebellious teenager, who would prefer people text her instead of leaving voicemails. Good girl.

Cons: Lampreys are gross. The movie is astoundingly dumb.

Biggest movie cliché: A black guy’s the first person to die.

Say a nice thing: Zack Ward is a fine actor.

Say a mean thing: I wanted Kyle to die. Sidenote: his real name is Koosha Yar. No wonder nobody likes him. He has arguably the shittiest name ever. His parents should be shot.

Vulgar, unnecessary spoiler: The mayor died when a large lamprey ate its way through his asshole.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Lampreys comprehending the English language.

Say another mean thing: Father Time kicked the everloving shit out of Shannen Doherty.

Say yet another mean thing: Christopher Lloyd’s face looks like the riverbeds on Mars.

Final review: Lampreys are disgusting bloodsuckers, and can grow over three feet in length. Therefore, a small, touristy lake town being overrun by them doesn’t sound like a bad premise for a B horror film. However, since this is an Asylum movie, lamprey eels can also crawl across deserts and fly and have complex battle strategies and read poetry and perfectly season cajun food. Everything was going so well in the beginning, I actually thought it might turn out okay. But holy jesus and christ is this a monumentally idiotic film. Not to mention anticlimactic.

Ranking:

2 bees

Jack the Giant Killer

Title: Jack the Giant Killer

Director: Mark Atkins

Writer: Mark Atkins

Starring: Ginger Elijah Wood, that crazy lady Bruce Willis used to fuck

Year released: 2013

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): What’re the odds the “giant” resembles a dragon?

Their synopsis: “A giant beanstalk brings Jack to a land in the clouds filled with snarling, evil beasts. When the creatures make their way to the ground, Jack must figure out how to get back down before they destroy earth and everyone in it.”

My synopsis: Some species of dinosaur monster gets brought to England by a queen/witch, who hours later regrets her decision and helps bring about their destruction.

Quick review: Not one actual “giant” to be found. And that’s fucking bullshit.

Cons: Honestly, who the fuck fires a pistol at a dinosaur? Anytime someone is shooting a gun on screen, this movie is failing miserably.

More cons: Serena is a human, right? How did she get magical powers?

Even more cons: Fuck Mark Atkins for that bullshit, superficial reason people traveled in flying castles. Castles, by the way, which are mysteriously suited for humans instead of giants.

Biggest movie cliché: Oh crud! That vehicle stopped working at an incredibly inopportune time, huh?

Hilarious, glaring error: My favorite part of the film is when Jack dismounts from a nonexistent motorcycle.

Say a nice thing: Lisa is helpful and cute.

Say a mean thing: General O’Shauncey is a fat, unfunny twat.

Say a mean, then crass, thing: Despite her enormous chompers, her highness Serena can get it in her bath chair all night.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: If Newald is supposed to be straight, why did he stop hanging out with a super hot chick with abandonment issues that lives in an ornate castle? That’s the definition of paradise.

Final review: When you think of the tale of Jack and the Beanstalk, you automatically think of giants. It’s a packaged deal. Large humanoids shouting “Fi Fi Fo Fum!” who want to grind your bones into bread. (Though I can’t imagine that tastes good.) What you don’t imagine, and are extremely disappointed if you get, is large, scaly, six-eyed dinosaurs, or some asshole kid in a shitty-looking robot. What does any of this have to do with giants? They’re a major appeal of the story! There was also a lot of terrible acting, plot holes, and underdeveloped characters, but the lack of giants really bothered me.

Ranking:

2 bees

Bermuda Tentacles

Title: Bermuda Tentacles

Director: Nick Lyon

Writer: Geoff Meed

Starring: Trevor Donovan, Linda Hamilton, Mya (Harrison)

Year released: 2014

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): One of the more terrible titles I’ve seen in awhile. Named, of course, by Geoff Meed, who is just fucking awful.

Their synopsis: “When Air Force One goes down over the Bermuda Triangle, the Navy sends its best rescue team. But in saving the President, the team awakens a creature that threatens the entire eastern seaboard.”

My synopsis: The Navy tries to save the President, who is apparently omniscient, despite looking like Jon Voight on a bender.

Quick review: There’s a really cool idea somewhere inside this film. Unfortunately, it’s buried under a mountain of shit.

Pros: Jamie Kennedy is virtually unrecognizable as the annoyingly verbose Dr. Zimmer.

Cons: Either no one in this film can act, or they all got the script 12 seconds before they started shooting.

Biggest movie cliché: An exceptional, yet maverick soldier disobeys a direct order from his more reserved commanding officer.

Say a nice thing: Mya is still pretty hot, and that Trevor Donovan isn’t so hard on the eyes himself.

Say a mean thing: Linda Hamilton’s face looks like an old catcher’s mitt.

Ruin a nice thing that you said: I hope a sex tape surfaces of Mya and Trevor Donovan. I would totally jerk off to that.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: The Bermuda Triangle is not mysterious.

Most relatable current event: Siberia.

Final review: A bioluminescent, extraterrestrial lifeform secretly inhabits the Bermuda Triangle, and harvests passing boats and planes for power. (Or something like that.) I don’t think that’s a bad premise for an Asylum film. And parts of it were well-represented, i.e. the cavernous vehicle graveyard. However, any decent idea that was there, gets lost amid all the superfluous gunfire, tentacled special effects, and other shitty action movie clichés. The Asylum took something simple and interesting, and heaped a bunch of garbage on top of it, which, frankly, surprises me. Sarcasm.

Ranking:

2 bees