Zoombies

Title: Zoombies

Director: Glenn Miller

Writer: Scotty Mullen

Starring: Ione Butler, Kim Nielsen, Andrew Asper

Year released: 2016

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): The last zombie movie helmed by Glenn Miller and Scotty Mullen is arguably the least funny thing ever put to film.

Their synopsis: “When a strange virus quickly spreads through a safari park and turns all the zoo animals undead, those left in the park must stop the creatures before they escape and zombify the whole city.”

My synopsis: A strange virus quickly spreads through a “screenwriter” and turns all his wild Jurassic World fantasies into boring garbage.

Quick review: It was tirezoome. (I can make shitty puns too.)

Pros: Ione Butler has a little Zoe Saldana thing going on. I’m a big fan of that. And also the shorts she was wearing.

Cons: CGI Kifo and man-in-a-suit Kifo look remarkably different, yet, I’m not sure which one I hate more.

Biggest movie cliché: A sweet, little girl beating an undead koala to death with an aluminum bat. Per usual…

Favorite quote: “You and your family will be able to ‘monkey’ around, on a variety of kid-friendly amusements…” Not ashamed to say I laughed at this. I liked that whole commercial, really. I’d go visit Eden Wildlife Zoo.

Least favorite quote: “I’m going for the brain.” She said out of nowhere for no discernible reason.

Say a nice thing: I recognize Kim Nielsen from something.

Say a mean thing: Amber’s a cunt. (Tried and true.)

Biggest suspension of disbelief: It’s readily apparent that no one sat on an elephant during the making of this film. Or ziplined.

Most relatable current event: I haven’t been to the zoo in awhile, but I almost went to the aquarium last week. Does that count?

Final review: I know I’ve suggested Asylum name changes in the past, but ‘Squandered Potential Studios’ has an appropriately nice ring to it. Every production company and their lazy whore of a mother has to try and make a zombie movie with a slightly different take on the genre. However, I don’t hate the idea of a zombie zoo. A lot of fun to be had there. What bothers me, of course, is the inevitable Asylum-ing of an interesting premise. The story turns are ridiculous, and none of the characters behave in a way that’s even remotely believable. The lack of forethought continues to puzzle me.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Night of the Wild

Title: Night of the Wild

Director: Eric Red

Writer: Delondra Williams

Starring: Tristin Mays, Kelly Rutherford, Rob Morrow

Year released: 2016

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): You thought (hoped) I was dead! Ha! Too bad, suckers! Also, The Asylum is only listed as a distributor on this film. I’m unsure if this is a good thing.

Their synopsis: “When a large meteor crashes into a quiet town, pet dogs become mysteriously aggressive…Roslyn and the other members of her family must find each other by fighting back against the blood-thirsty hounds…”

My synopsis: Green space rocks secretly tell canines to bite every human on the forearm.

Quick review: Redundantly redundant.

Pros: Wolves are genuinely awesome. I wish they’d attack more people associated with Asylum movies. And a guide dog deliberately led its blind owner into the path of an oncoming car. It was hilarious.

Cons: I fucking hate so much people who don’t know how to keep their goddamned dogs quiet.

MFK: Marry Roslyn. Fuck Pia. Kill Alice. Maybe if Mary Katherine O’Donnell had a more visible online presence, or a shorter name, I wouldn’t have to kill her.

Biggest movie cliché: The short-lived illusion of safety.

Say a nice thing: Who’s a good boy?! Shep’s a good boy! Yes, he is!!

Say a mean thing: All old people are cranky and horrible and should be killed.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Are the giant glowing rocks invisible? I don’t understand.

Most relatable current event: Could have started here…

Final review: This is a very poorly edited film. I think that’s my biggest complaint. Shots of nothing; action scenes that take forever and/or don’t make any sense. And every attack scene is the same fucking thing! It’s visually unappealing, and frustrating as shit. Another aspect of this movie that goes beyond the normal expectation of inadequacy is the story itself. The meteors are affecting the dogs on a sensory level, I assume? If so, couldn’t you just remove them? But why can no one see them? Or can they? There’s really no motivation whatsoever for the dogs’ aggressive behavior. Any exposition at all would have been helpful.

Ranking:

2 bees