Super Cyclone

Title: Super Cyclone

Director: Liz Adams

Writer: Liz Adams

Starring: Ming-Na Wen, Nicholas Turturro, Dylan Vox

Year released: 2012

Their synopsis: “When a super cyclone threatens the entire American eastern seaboard, a lone meteorologist and a petroleum engineer must battle the elements to stop the threat.”

My synopsis: Eastern seaboard? Did The Asylum not even bother to watch its own shitty movie? The whole thing takes place in California.

Quick review: Makes Twister look like a goddamn Best Picture winner.

Pros: I watched this on Netflix. Netflix is good.

Cons: Stop introducing everybody via on-screen text. It is unnecessary and stupid.

Biggest movie cliché: The inability to make a black guy look or sound like a normal human being.

Least favorite quote: “Warm water? Moist air? …It’s the devil’s playground.” Ugh.

Say a nice thing: I like all the nice, sunny weather. Doesn’t help your film’s premise whatsoever, but it makes me want to visit Los Angeles.

Say a mean thing: Parkinson’s patients have more fluidity than these “actors.”

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Loosest. Tourniquet. Ever. That fat bastard should’ve lost his leg. Also, why in christ’s name were you showing a map of Florida and talking about Southern California?

Most relatable current event: Southern Californians and Mother Nature not getting along.

Final review: Running calculations? Really? Were you? In the back of an SUV with no equipment? You’re an asshole, Percy. The scientific dialogue in this film isn’t so much spoken, as regurgitated like a mother bird feeding her hatchlings. I’m not sure if Liz Adams is a terrible writer, or just doesn’t understand science because she’s a woman. Either way, it’s enraging to listen to, and the actors are equally as enraging to watch.

Ranking:

1.5 bees

40 Days and Nights

Title: 40 Days and Nights

Director: Peter Geiger

Writer: H. Perry Horton

Starring: Alex Carter, Monica Keena

Year released: 2012

Their synopsis: “When a colossal tectonic shift causes the sea level to start rising, a microbiologist gathers the DNA of as many species as she can, while the military creates an ‘ark’ in a desperate attempt to preserve life on Earth.”

My synopsis: Floods. DNA. Engines. Boat.

Quick review: The bible’s version of massive flooding makes more sense.

Pros: I searched, but I don’t have anything. It’s too bland and disjointed.

Cons: DNA samples of 160,000 plant and animal species? That’s fucking nothing.

Least favorite quote: “It’s been so long since we’ve just sat and aten together.” Lieutenant John’s fiancée is a moron.

Biggest movie cliché: Risky helicopter rescue, I suppose.

Say a nice thing: Nice nipples, Tessa.

Say a mean thing: Morgantown, Pennsylvania? That city deserves to be swallowed by a sinkhole.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Sure, exile one of the two scientists who understands how to operate the massive ship’s engine. Genius.

Final review: Scattershot. That’s the best word to describe this movie. There’s barely a plot, no intelligible goal… The filmmakers have no idea what it is they’re trying to accomplish, so they keep adding subplots that never amount to anything. And then it ends. No tension. No conflict, really. I don’t know what I just watched.

Ranking:

1.5 bees

Airplane vs Volcano

Title: Airplane vs Volcano

Director: The Kondelik Brothers

Writer: The Kondelik Brothers

Starring: Dean Cain, Robin Givens, Tamara Goodwin

Year released: 2014

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I recently finished reading Undisputed Truth, Mike Tyson’s autobiography. I hope Robin Givens gets volcanoed somethin’ good.

Their synopsis: “When a commercial airliner is trapped within a ring of erupting volcanoes, the passengers and crew must find a way to survive – without landing.”

My synopsis: The Kondelik Brothers hate films, common sense, and America, so they made this godawful mess of shit.

Quick review: ‘Hate’ is not strong enough a word.

Pros: One or two of the human beings in this movie has the ability to act.

Cons: Every single con.

Biggest movie cliché: Are there any airplane disaster films where no one on the plane knows how to fly? The pilots die, and the damn thing just crashes into the ocean? God did I want that to happen…

Least favorite quote: When I heard the immortal “Let’s plow the road!” from Independence Day, I wanted to break my iPad. How dare they.

Say a mean thing: There isn’t a reason this film should have been made, but there are even less reasons why the Kondelik brothers shouldn’t be strangled with chicken wire.

Say a meaner thing: I wish the Kondelik brothers’ cunt of a mother was an enthusiast of third-trimester abortions.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: It would be unfair to highlight any one single aspect of this ridiculously unbelievable film.

Most relatable current event: Repeated Ray Rice left hands would be preferable. Or a day out with ISIS. (I’d rather be hurt or killed. You get it. Real original.)

Final review: A short list of versus movies that would be more plausible and interesting than this: Grandmother vs Internet, Clouds vs Sunshine, Buttons vs Zippers. There is almost nothing redeeming about this film. As a result, I hate it so very much. It’s a movie whose shittiness is of such incredible proportions, it has to be witnessed. But you should never see this film. Ever. Watch anything else. Infants falling off ladders, for example. That would be ten times as profound and intriguing.

Ranking:

.5 bee

Mega Python vs Gatoroid

Title: Mega Python vs Gatoroid

Director: Mary Lambert

Writer: Naomi L. Selfman

Starring: Deborah Gibson, Tiffany, A (Adolph) Martinez

Year released: 2011

Their synopsis: “After a species of giant python invades the everglades, park rangers breed mutant alligators to counter the threat.”

My synopsis: Some dumb lady releases genetically modified pythons into the wild, so some other dumb lady feeds alligators steroid chickens. This is exactly why women should not be allowed to study the sciences.

Quick review: This movie probably would’ve grossed $200 million if it had been made in 1988. Only missed it by a couple of decades.

Pros: Catfight! That old lady from Desperate Housewives is also pretty good.

Cons: All the other actors have the emotional range of a rabid ferret.

Hottest ‘80s teen idol: At their peak, I’d have taken Tiffany. Right now? Debbie Gibson.

Biggest movie cliché: Somebody saying they need something done “yesterday!”

Say a nice thing: The leading ladies both looked quite lovely in their evening wear.

Say a mean thing: The big celebrity you brought in for your fundraiser was Micky Dolenz? Adam Lanza’s rotting corpse would have raised more money.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Somebody referred to the 70-year-old former Monkee as “hot.”

Final review: Luring giant reptiles into an egg-laden quarry and then blowing the hell out of it is, on paper, the most plausible monster movie ending in Asylum history. Of course, it involved the use of pheromones, which isn’t exactly an original idea. The “versus” monster plot was done correctly, wherein both monsters attack the respective opposing group, then come together toward the end to fuck all kinds of shit up. Negatively? The action scenes are awful, nobody can stop overacting, the helicopter pilot at the end is a retard, and the references to Tiffany and Debbie Gibson’s songstress past are painfully shoehorned in. Finally, in a fun twist, (Spoiler alert!) both leading ladies die at the hands of the monsters they helped create. This leads to a Mexican hosting a ribbon-cutting ceremony, which has probably never happened before ever. Racism!

Ranking:

2.5 bees