Title: Mega Python vs Gatoroid
Director: Mary Lambert
Writer: Naomi L. Selfman
Starring: Deborah Gibson, Tiffany, A (Adolph) Martinez
Year released: 2011
Their synopsis: “After a species of giant python invades the everglades, park rangers breed mutant alligators to counter the threat.”
My synopsis: Some dumb lady releases genetically modified pythons into the wild, so some other dumb lady feeds alligators steroid chickens. This is exactly why women should not be allowed to study the sciences.
Quick review: This movie probably would’ve grossed $200 million if it had been made in 1988. Only missed it by a couple of decades.
Pros: Catfight! That old lady from Desperate Housewives is also pretty good.
Cons: All the other actors have the emotional range of a rabid ferret.
Hottest ‘80s teen idol: At their peak, I’d have taken Tiffany. Right now? Debbie Gibson.
Biggest movie cliché: Somebody saying they need something done “yesterday!”
Say a nice thing: The leading ladies both looked quite lovely in their evening wear.
Say a mean thing: The big celebrity you brought in for your fundraiser was Micky Dolenz? Adam Lanza’s rotting corpse would have raised more money.
Biggest suspension of disbelief: Somebody referred to the 70-year-old former Monkee as “hot.”
Final review: Luring giant reptiles into an egg-laden quarry and then blowing the hell out of it is, on paper, the most plausible monster movie ending in Asylum history. Of course, it involved the use of pheromones, which isn’t exactly an original idea. The “versus” monster plot was done correctly, wherein both monsters attack the respective opposing group, then come together toward the end to fuck all kinds of shit up. Negatively? The action scenes are awful, nobody can stop overacting, the helicopter pilot at the end is a retard, and the references to Tiffany and Debbie Gibson’s songstress past are painfully shoehorned in. Finally, in a fun twist, (Spoiler alert!) both leading ladies die at the hands of the monsters they helped create. This leads to a Mexican hosting a ribbon-cutting ceremony, which has probably never happened before ever. Racism!
Ranking:
2.5 bees
The B Movie Review 