Mega Python vs Gatoroid

Title: Mega Python vs Gatoroid

Director: Mary Lambert

Writer: Naomi L. Selfman

Starring: Deborah Gibson, Tiffany, A (Adolph) Martinez

Year released: 2011

Their synopsis: “After a species of giant python invades the everglades, park rangers breed mutant alligators to counter the threat.”

My synopsis: Some dumb lady releases genetically modified pythons into the wild, so some other dumb lady feeds alligators steroid chickens. This is exactly why women should not be allowed to study the sciences.

Quick review: This movie probably would’ve grossed $200 million if it had been made in 1988. Only missed it by a couple of decades.

Pros: Catfight! That old lady from Desperate Housewives is also pretty good.

Cons: All the other actors have the emotional range of a rabid ferret.

Hottest ‘80s teen idol: At their peak, I’d have taken Tiffany. Right now? Debbie Gibson.

Biggest movie cliché: Somebody saying they need something done “yesterday!”

Say a nice thing: The leading ladies both looked quite lovely in their evening wear.

Say a mean thing: The big celebrity you brought in for your fundraiser was Micky Dolenz? Adam Lanza’s rotting corpse would have raised more money.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Somebody referred to the 70-year-old former Monkee as “hot.”

Final review: Luring giant reptiles into an egg-laden quarry and then blowing the hell out of it is, on paper, the most plausible monster movie ending in Asylum history. Of course, it involved the use of pheromones, which isn’t exactly an original idea. The “versus” monster plot was done correctly, wherein both monsters attack the respective opposing group, then come together toward the end to fuck all kinds of shit up. Negatively? The action scenes are awful, nobody can stop overacting, the helicopter pilot at the end is a retard, and the references to Tiffany and Debbie Gibson’s songstress past are painfully shoehorned in. Finally, in a fun twist, (Spoiler alert!) both leading ladies die at the hands of the monsters they helped create. This leads to a Mexican hosting a ribbon-cutting ceremony, which has probably never happened before ever. Racism!

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Piranhaconda

Title: Piranhaconda

Director: Jim Wynorski

Writer: J. Brad Wilke, Mike MacLean

Starring: Rib Hillis, Terri Ivens, Shandi Finnessey, Michael Madsen

Year released: 2012

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Somehow, this is the sequel to Sharktopus.

Their synopsis: “Life imitates art when a horror film crew encounters a half fish, half snake monster!”

My synopsis: Bad actresses with big tits get eaten by a large fish-headed serpent. Something about ransom.

Quick review: I’m not sure it’s worse than Sharktopus, but I’m also not sure it’s better.

Pros: Very attractive women.

Cons: Mike MacLean wrote it. He should have his goddamn hands chopped off.

Biggest movie cliché: The scientist’s theft of the creature’s egg turns out to be a bad idea.

Least favorite quote: Stop saying, “Leilani!”

Say a nice thing: I hate to admit this, but I actually smiled at one of the meta-jokes. It wasn’t out of amusement, but out of “I can’t believe you just said that. You son of a bitch…”

Say a mean thing: I’d rather have somebody cut my ear off and set me on fire than watch this movie again.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: I can’t believe how much I like the Piranhaconda’s theme song. I should be shot. The Sharktopus has a theme song too, which I apparently overlooked. Also quite catchy.

Most relatable current event: New Jersey’s stealth anaconda.

Final review: The more I review this movie, the more I realize I basically just rewatched Sharktopus. That’s why this counts as the sequel, because it’s just as painfully dreadful. The same awful meta-jokes, the same horrible acting, the same ending, the same rage slowly building inside me. Perhaps the only reason I don’t hate it as much as its predecessor is because I haven’t watched a godawful B movie in about a month, and I don’t remember how annoyed I should be.

Ranking:

1.5 bees

Snakes on a Train

Title: Snakes on a Train

Director: Peter Mervis

Writer: Eric Forsberg

Starring: Alby Castro, Julia Ruiz, Giovanni Bejarano

Year released: 2006

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I am an unabashed SOAP fan. When Snakes on a Plane first came out, I was so excited to see it I went to a late Thursday night showing. I had a lovely time. I also own this same shirt.

Their synopsis: “Under a powerful Mayan curse, snakes are hatched inside a young woman…With only hours to live, she jumps on a train headed for Los Angeles.”

My synopsis: Dirty, filthy immigrants illegally board a train to Los Angeles, and the least frightening snakes ever somehow terrify the passengers.

Quick review: It was more annoying than anything else.

Pros: The acting was mostly fine.

Cons: There had to have been a less terrible way to get to “snakes on a train.” How did ‘a sick Mexican woman vomits them up with Jell-O’ make the final cut?

Biggest movie cliché: All of the character pairings.

Most relatable current event: Twenty minutes into the film, I wanted this to happen.

Say a nice thing: The only person I rooted for was the balding divorced guy. I was hoping he’d get to bang the similarly divorced hottie. Seemed like he needed it.

Say a racist thing: Stop fucking chanting, you greasy wetback!

Biggest suspension of disbelief: There were no rattlesnakes. Not a single goddamn one. So stop with the fucking sound effect already!

Final review: We all have our “snakes.” I get it. Inner demons, right? How clever, yet also completely ham-handed and utterly irrelevant to the overall plot. Snakes on a Plane knew what it was, and it delivered. The Asylum actually tried to give a film called Snakes on a Train depth and sobriety. Why?! It’s not what they do well! (Not that they really do anything well, but still.) It reminds me of a movie I’m making called Kronosaurus vs Mega Platypus. It’s about a Lebanese teenager’s identity crisis, brought on by the sexual abuse of his adoptive mother. In one pivotal scene, the scientist says to the Lebanese teen, Bashir, “The platypus may feel isolated because of its unusual background.” Then Bashir makes a sad face and looks at the ground. Oh, and at some point the giant platypus fights a Kronosaurus.

Ranking:

1.5 bees