Mega Python vs Gatoroid

Title: Mega Python vs Gatoroid

Director: Mary Lambert

Writer: Naomi L. Selfman

Starring: Deborah Gibson, Tiffany, A (Adolph) Martinez

Year released: 2011

Their synopsis: “After a species of giant python invades the everglades, park rangers breed mutant alligators to counter the threat.”

My synopsis: Some dumb lady releases genetically modified pythons into the wild, so some other dumb lady feeds alligators steroid chickens. This is exactly why women should not be allowed to study the sciences.

Quick review: This movie probably would’ve grossed $200 million if it had been made in 1988. Only missed it by a couple of decades.

Pros: Catfight! That old lady from Desperate Housewives is also pretty good.

Cons: All the other actors have the emotional range of a rabid ferret.

Hottest ‘80s teen idol: At their peak, I’d have taken Tiffany. Right now? Debbie Gibson.

Biggest movie cliché: Somebody saying they need something done “yesterday!”

Say a nice thing: The leading ladies both looked quite lovely in their evening wear.

Say a mean thing: The big celebrity you brought in for your fundraiser was Micky Dolenz? Adam Lanza’s rotting corpse would have raised more money.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Somebody referred to the 70-year-old former Monkee as “hot.”

Final review: Luring giant reptiles into an egg-laden quarry and then blowing the hell out of it is, on paper, the most plausible monster movie ending in Asylum history. Of course, it involved the use of pheromones, which isn’t exactly an original idea. The “versus” monster plot was done correctly, wherein both monsters attack the respective opposing group, then come together toward the end to fuck all kinds of shit up. Negatively? The action scenes are awful, nobody can stop overacting, the helicopter pilot at the end is a retard, and the references to Tiffany and Debbie Gibson’s songstress past are painfully shoehorned in. Finally, in a fun twist, (Spoiler alert!) both leading ladies die at the hands of the monsters they helped create. This leads to a Mexican hosting a ribbon-cutting ceremony, which has probably never happened before ever. Racism!

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Arachnoquake

Title: Arachnoquake

Director: Griff Furst

Writer: Eric Forsberg, Paul A. Birkett

Starring: Bug Hall, Olivia Hardt, Eddie Furlong

Year released: 2012

Their synopsis: “Deadly fire breathing spiders are unearthed after a massive earthquake in New Orleans.”

My synopsis: Large pink spiders, either coming out of the ground or people’s necks, that for some reason can breathe fire, attack New Orleans thanks to fracking. It’s about as dumb as it sounds.

Quick review: Stupid. Sometimes purposely so, sometimes not. Poorly acted.

Pros: The soundtrack. The kid taking creepshots. Schoolgirls dancing on a bus. And Petra. Yummy, yummy Petra…

Cons: Deep Blue Sea thievery. Noise on top of noise on top of noise.

Biggest movie cliché: The perpetual screw-up learns to take some responsibility and saves the day! Huzzah!

Biggest suspension of disbelief: No girls’ softball team has ever been that fuckable.

Say a mean thing: When the girl hit the spider with the bat, I felt like murdering everyone I know. It was enraging.

Say mean things specifically about Tina: Choke that loud bitch out! Don’t let her touch the controls! She almost got Petra hurt! Knock that cunt off the goddamn boat!

Say a creepy thing: I’d fuck Petra if she was my sister.

Most relatable current event: When I went down to New Orleans recently for a bachelor party, and later thought I had gonorrhea. Turns out it was a spider bite. (That last part is not true.)

Final review: At certain points, it sounds as though everyone on the screen is simultaneously shouting or arguing or crying. It’s annoying. The screenplay wasn’t great, or really even good, but the story was fine. It’s not difficult to write a storyline when the main premise is “run away from X.” However, you can’t run forever. Eventually, you must kill X (in this case, giant spiders) and the last 10 minutes are an excellent example of how not to write this ending. Why would the spiders shut down like they were computers? It doesn’t make sense, and worse than that, it’s fucking lazy. Overall, I was sort of entertained by this dumb film, though I’m not entirely sure why. Maybe it’s because I like New Orleans, or maybe it’s because it reminded me of The Walking Dead. Whatever the reason, I still don’t recommend watching it.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus

Title: Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus

Director: Christopher (Douglas-Olen) Ray

Writer: Micho Rutare, Naomi L. Selfman

Starring: Jaleel White, Gary Stretch, Sarah Lieving

Year released: 2010

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): This is the (first) sequel to the critically lauded and runaway smash hit, Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus. Ace Hannah/Jack Perez is not involved, however, and I am nervous.

Their synopsis: “With the prehistoric Crocosaurus on a collision course with a Mega Shark, the world’s top scientists explore every option to halt the aquatic clash.”

My synopsis: Hold on, “a Mega Shark”? The movie specifically states it’s the same one. Regardless, Mega Shark loves to eat Crocosaurus eggs, which does not go over well with Mother Croc. The US government, working alone apparently, tries to kill them both.

Quick review: It was too normal for a movie about multiple 1,000-foot-long prehistoric monsters.

Pros: I never realized how smoochable Sarah Lieving’s lips are. Very sexy.

Cons: The fight scenes between Mega Shark and Crocosaurus were poorly choreographed, and it was cringeworthy when they tried to make Urkel and the other guy look like action heroes.

How it relates to the original film: If Mega Shark survived, what happened to Giant Octopus? Did Mega Shark win? I wouldn’t doubt it, as Mega Shark is a bridge-eating, plane-attacking, badass motherfucker, but I would still like some clarification. Giant Octopus deserved better than to just be written out entirely.

Biggest movie cliché: I was taken aback when the plan that everybody said wouldn’t work, totally worked at the end! Never saw it coming.

Say a nice thing: During the Panama Canal scene, for at least a second or two, I thought, “This is pretty cool.”

Say a mean thing: The movie ends with a croc/crock pun. An ending of child rape would’ve elicited more laughs.

Least favorite non-quote: “Did I do thaaat?” Jaleel White didn’t say this one time.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Again, I have to call into question how large this Mega Shark really is. In his opening sequence, Mega Shark goes from 100 feet long, to about 4,000 feet long, then back again.

Most relatable current event: Big ass crocodile.

Final review:  I didn’t hate the egg story line, which I saw as an attempt to differentiate itself from the original. However, the core cast of characters is not as strong as the previous film, nor are their interpersonal relationships. The action isn’t as distinct, and the subtle winks are absent. I absolutely hated the constant and arbitrary cutaways to nameless characters. It’s like they promised too many people a line in the movie and had to squeeze them in somehow. It’s interesting enough on its own and the tempo is fine, but it ultimately falls directly into the sequel trap. My expectations were very low, and though it was better than I anticipated, that’s mostly just because I figured it’d be complete and utter shit.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

 

Dinocroc

Title: Dinocroc

Director: Kevin O’Neill

Writer: Dan Acre, Frances Doel, John Huckert

Starring: Jane Longenecker, Matthew Borlenghi, Costas Mandylor, Charles Napier

Year released: 2004

Their synopsis: “A crocodile grows to titanic proportions when injected with accelerated-growth hormones and starts terrorizing a small town.”

My synopsis: Science creates a badass, child-murdering super crocodile. A group of people want to “destroy it” because it’s “killing everyone.” Psh…

Quick review: I almost didn’t watch this several times, until I finally decided to just get it over with. Wasn’t as bad as I thought it’d be.

Pros: That Dinocroc was really fucking people up. He wasn’t messing around.

Cons: That was some pretty dreadful acting. Also, the dramatic music is insufferable. We get it, it’s an action sequence. Not sure why there are monks chanting in Latin.

Biggest movie cliché: Surprisingly, the foolhardy plan to take out the monster with excess firepower didn’t work.

Say a nice thing: Haha, mere mortals! You cannot kill Dinocroc! He lives to eat again!

Say a mean thing: A rampaging Dinocroc is sort of like the Arab-Israeli conflict. It’s only bad news if you care about the people being killed. I had no such worries, so go monster!

Vulgar, unnecessary spoiler: The little kid died while his brother was fucking the dog catcher.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Why does the crocodile hunter think his shitty rifle is a bazooka?

Most relatable current event: I’m always sort of afraid I’ll accidentally do this to a girl when we’re having sex.

Final review: Not sure how much I can add to my collection of pithy comments above. It was poorly acted and maudlin, but I didn’t hate it. Though I would advise against voluntarily watching it. However, if you are ever forced to watch it at gunpoint, I promise it won’t be so bad.

Ranking:

2.5 bees