Almighty Thor

Title: Almighty Thor

Director: Christopher (Douglas-Olen) Ray

Writer: Erik Estenberg

Starring: Cody Deal, Richard Grieco, Patricia Velasquez

Year released: 2011

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): The last movie I watched written by Erik Estenberg was Monster. Off to a bad start already.

Their synopsis: “When the demon god Loki destroys the fortress of Valhalla and steals the Hammer of Invincibility, only the young hero Thor can protect Earth from armageddon.”

My synopsis: Just about the worst goddamn interpretation of Norse mythology you’ll ever find.

Quick review: We may be able to control our own fate, but nobody can control the direction of this meandering dogshit.

Pros: I love Marta! She was great in El Amor Prohibido. Should’ve won the Desi.

Cons: I swear to christ the opening has been used in like nine other Asylum films. And why is there an uzi?

Biggest movie cliché: The whole fucking thing. The hero is worthy, but not quite ready. Courageous, yet immature. He is trained by so-and-so, needs to blah blah blah, and so on. Jesus god…

Say a silly thing: Kevin Nash, perhaps best known as the co-founder of nWo, plays Odin even better than dumb ol’ Anthony Hopkins!

Say a mean thing: I’ve only just learned that “Erik Estenberg” is the same person as “Eric Forsberg.” As if I didn’t already want to decapitate that sneaky jew with a shovel…

Say another mean thing: The fight coordinator for this film should be beaten to death like Gaddafi.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Cody Deal playing the lead. Shane Van Dyke very clearly should have played Thor.

Most relatable current event: In the lead-up to Infinity War, James Gunn is awfully high on the new Captain America.

Final review: It’s kind of hard to tell whether the writing is making the actors worse, or if the actors are making the writing worse. Either way, it’s still worse. I mean, my god is it worse… In one supposedly emotional scene, where Thor is realizing he may not have all the answers, some lady pushing her kid in a stroller wanders into the shot, and stares at the camera. This seriously fucking happens. Sixty-three minutes into the movie. AND THEY LEFT IT IN!!! Are you kidding me?! I honestly cannot tell if anyone involved in Almighty Thor is even trying, or if this is the best they can do. They should all feel bad about themselves regardless.

Ranking:

1.5 bees

Barely Legal

Title: Barely Legal

Director: Jose Montesinos

Writer: Naomi L. Selfman

Starring: Jeneta St. Clair, Melissa Johnston, Lisa Younger

Year released: 2011

Their synopsis: “Sue, Cheryl, and Lexi–all freshman in college–have been friends forever…Every year, they do something special to celebrate their birthday, and this year, on their eighteenth, they’re determined to lose their virginity.”

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening, post-synopsis): They’re “all freshman in college.” I think this gives you some idea of the level of intelligent filmmaking we’re going to be witnessing.

My synopsis: A whore, a prude, and a retarded Anna Faris throw a pool party in an attempt to lose their virginity. Had they simply had sex with each other, they could have made a much better film, and saved money on decorations.

Quick review: Not terrible. Fairly sexy.

Pros: Making fun of the visually-impaired. Goes by quickly.

Cons: There’s no way this movie took more than 37 hours to film.

Biggest movie cliché: Some type of teenage sex pact.

Favorite quote: “I’m blind, you fucking asshole.”

Say a nice thing: Lexi’s a goddamn champion.

Say a mean thing: Chris is very clearly a fag.

Say a creepy thing: ‘Barely legal’ isn’t even 18 in the best states.

Vulgar, unnecessary spoiler: A dog ate the shit outta some girl’s pussy.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: That the main characters are anywhere close to 17. Their daughters are already 20.

Final review: There’s no way the party Sue, Lexi, and Cheryl (When’s the last time you met an 18-year-old named Cheryl?) threw wasn’t the worst party ever. Barely Legal is a much better movie than that was a party. It’s an Asylum sex comedy that didn’t decide it needed an intricate plot line. Always a good move. One-dimensional characters finding themselves in awkward sexual situations. Comedy gold! Or not gold, exactly. Comedy pyrite. Sort of unfair to say the characters didn’t experience any personal growth, either. One realized she was dating the wrong kind of guy, one realized she is bisexual, and one became a chronic masturbator. Lessons abound.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

 

The Amityville Haunting

Title: The Amityville Haunting

Director: Geoff Meed

Writer: Geoff Meed probably

Starring: Nadine Crocker, less attractive other people

Year released: 2011

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): They took it off Netflix without telling me. Have to watch it on Hulu with ads.

Their synopsis: “Actual found footage that documents the horrifying experience of a family that moved into the infamous haunted house.”

My synopsis: A murderable family is murdered. Justice.

Quick review: Exhausting.

Pros: I like the idea of breaking into haunted houses to fuck.

Cons: Arguably the worst actors ever assembled for a found footage movie.

Big suspension of disbelief: Wait a second, why’d the ghost take a nap for 32 years?

Biggest movie cliché: That military dad sure is strict.

Say a creepy thing: I kept fantasizing about Lori choking me while we have sex.

Say a mean thing: Devin Clark’s stupid face should be caved in with a brick.

Bigger suspension of disbelief: I don’t believe this family exists more than I believe ghosts don’t exist.

Most relatable current event: Here’s another Long Island murderer.

Final review: Watching this movie is a fucking chore. The least natural found footage film in existence. It has to be. The Nissan Rogue ad I watched halfway through was a goddamn epic compared this dogshit. The Amityville Haunting evokes hatred and anger. What I saw was real. Real terrible. Geoff Meed is a loathsome individual.

Ranking:

1 bee

Dragon Crusaders

Title: Dragon Crusaders

Director: Mark Atkins

Writer: Mark Atkins

Starring: Dylan Jones, Cecily Fay, Shinead Byrne

Year released: 2011

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I don’t want to watch another Mark Atkins dragon movie right now, but this is going off Netflix, which unfortunately means I have to.

Their synopsis: “A group of fugitive Knights Templar attacks a pirate ship and they are cursed to turn into hideous monsters. To fight the curse and ultimately save the world, they must defeat the wizard-dragon who is determined to destroy it.”

My synopsis: A shitty orphan witch, who is admittedly pretty hot, can only cast vague curses, which leads to the accidental gargoyling of some runaway knights.

Quick review: Same dragon, different day.

Pros: The fight scenes are generally not terrible. And whose idea was it to put both women on the same horse? Genius.

Cons: All this curse business is just lazy, bullshit writing.

Biggest movie cliché: The worst dragon is always “the black dragon.” Racist…

Say a nice thing: Cecily Fay is a sexy badass.

Say a mean thing: Mark Atkins is a dragon cuckold who has no understanding of how to make a decent film.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Not sure I buy Spandex existing in this ancient, magical realm.

Most relatable current event: The store owner that Mike Brown robbed for cigarettes probably called him a “brack dragon” after he left. Probably.

Final review: It’s always just the same damn thing, isn’t it? A sorcerer, witches, knights and dragons, peasants… The genre should be left alone, unless you can actually write a story that’s not only semi-interesting, but plausible. And I don’t mean plausible by normal standards; Asylum standards will do just fine. But no, Mark Atkins and his raging dragon boner will not leave well enough alone. Oh my god with this fucking guy and dragons! It’s so annoying. This is, however, his least shitty dragon film I’ve seen, but he’s got one with Nazis that I’ve yet to review. Not gonna lie, kind of looking forward to it. In six months or so.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

 

Mega Python vs Gatoroid

Title: Mega Python vs Gatoroid

Director: Mary Lambert

Writer: Naomi L. Selfman

Starring: Deborah Gibson, Tiffany, A (Adolph) Martinez

Year released: 2011

Their synopsis: “After a species of giant python invades the everglades, park rangers breed mutant alligators to counter the threat.”

My synopsis: Some dumb lady releases genetically modified pythons into the wild, so some other dumb lady feeds alligators steroid chickens. This is exactly why women should not be allowed to study the sciences.

Quick review: This movie probably would’ve grossed $200 million if it had been made in 1988. Only missed it by a couple of decades.

Pros: Catfight! That old lady from Desperate Housewives is also pretty good.

Cons: All the other actors have the emotional range of a rabid ferret.

Hottest ‘80s teen idol: At their peak, I’d have taken Tiffany. Right now? Debbie Gibson.

Biggest movie cliché: Somebody saying they need something done “yesterday!”

Say a nice thing: The leading ladies both looked quite lovely in their evening wear.

Say a mean thing: The big celebrity you brought in for your fundraiser was Micky Dolenz? Adam Lanza’s rotting corpse would have raised more money.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Somebody referred to the 70-year-old former Monkee as “hot.”

Final review: Luring giant reptiles into an egg-laden quarry and then blowing the hell out of it is, on paper, the most plausible monster movie ending in Asylum history. Of course, it involved the use of pheromones, which isn’t exactly an original idea. The “versus” monster plot was done correctly, wherein both monsters attack the respective opposing group, then come together toward the end to fuck all kinds of shit up. Negatively? The action scenes are awful, nobody can stop overacting, the helicopter pilot at the end is a retard, and the references to Tiffany and Debbie Gibson’s songstress past are painfully shoehorned in. Finally, in a fun twist, (Spoiler alert!) both leading ladies die at the hands of the monsters they helped create. This leads to a Mexican hosting a ribbon-cutting ceremony, which has probably never happened before ever. Racism!

Ranking:

2.5 bees

11/11/11

Title: 11/11/11

Director: Keith Allan

Writer: Kiff Scholl, Keith Allan

Starring: Jon Briddell, Erin Coker, Hayden Byerly

Year released: 2011

Their synopsis: “Jack and Melissa are frightened by their son’s bizarre and violent behavior; they soon learn that he is the gateway to the Apocalypse, and it will happen on his birthday, 11-11-11.”

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening, post-synopsis): If this movie is about jesus, I’m going to be fucking pissed.

My synopsis: Some kid who has stupid parents is apparently the devil. (Just take him out of town for a few days. Crisis averted.)

Quick review: I get it. Elevens are bad. The movie’s not much better.

Pros: Madonna Magee or Lena La Fratta or whatever her name is, she was a great creepy old lady. Also, I want that ‘Being 11’ book. Any book that (incorrectly) teaches kids about the Knights Templar and 9/11 has to be a good read.

Cons: I hate how the kid not talking is supposed to be mysterious. Jack is a terrible father and husband.

Biggest movie cliché: Why’s the devil always a bad guy?

Say a nice thing: Denise is the best nanny ever. Hot and violent!

Say a mean thing: I would put a bag over her head and fuck the shit outta Melissa.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Is 11 really the devil’s number? Cause I’ve never heard of this.

Most relatable current event: I’ve read numerous tales of white guys going crazy and killing their whole family, but a black gentleman? We truly are in a post-racial America.

Final review: It’s as predictable as a horror movie can get, but it wasn’t so bad. Pretty sure Keith Allan didn’t win any awards for his writing or directing, but it’s a fairly cohesive story with a good amount of violence and some solid performances. If it was only a little smarter, I probably would’ve liked it. I didn’t find it suspenseful or frightening, but it’s difficult to get into movies where ‘the devil’ is the bad guy, anyway. The supernatural just doesn’t do it for me. Demons and ghosts aren’t scary because they’re not real. Overall though, an admirable attempt.

Ranking:

2.5 bees