Sharktopus vs Pteracuda

Title: Sharktopus vs Pteracuda

Director: Kevin O’Neill

Writer: Matt Yamashita

Starring: Katie Savoy, Rib Hillis, Robert Carradine

Year released: 2014

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Airing shortly after Sharknado 2: The Second One, SyFy tried to capitalize on the Sharknado fever. Without Conan O’Brien, no one would have noticed.

Their synopsis: “The battle to end all battles!”

My synopsis: The people who created Sharktopus made another monster/weapon, which is an animal, but also a computer program? Or something? Then some Russian jew steals it. Meanwhile, a new Sharktopus lives at a low-rent Sea World. (Spoiler alert: The battle does not end all battles.)

Quick review: Aggressively hateful.

Pros: Multiple Sharktopus and Pteracuda fights.

Cons: Jesus holy god… It’s all just so fucking mindless and awful.

Biggest movie cliché: I’m pretty sure somebody actually used the phrase, “I’m gettin’ too old for this.” I was a bit distracted though, burning my arm with a lighter, so I may have misheard.

Least favorite quote: Every line of dialogue that didn’t come out of Conan O’Brien’s mouth.

Say a nice thing: Katie Savoy is very pretty.

Say a mean thing: David Carradine accidentally asphyxiated himself jerking off while wearing fishnets in a hotel closet in Bangkok. The Carradine family is still more embarrassed by Robert’s appearance in this film.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: You cannot train a Sharktopus, especially if there’s a fat, stupid Mexican yelling at it.

Most relatable current event: I only discovered doing this review that yet another Sharktopus movie had been made. I’m going to hate myself so much for watching it.

Final review: It really is shocking to see how little New Horizons’ cares about making a watchable film, even in relation to The Asylum. I mean, my god, it’s fucking horrible. I feel like Roger Corman is dead, and people are just assigning his name to things. If he isn’t dead, I certainly hope he dies soon, and in the most painful way an octogenarian can die. Why would he allow this to see the light of day? Sharktopus vs Pteracuda isn’t funny, interesting, clever, well-shot, well-acted, well-anything, and its dialogue raped my ears. It’s abominable.

Ranking:

1 bee

3-Headed Shark Attack

Title: 3-Headed Shark Attack

Director: Christopher (Douglas-Olen) Ray

Writer: Jacob Cooney, Bill Hanstock

Starring: Karrueche Tran, Brad Mills, Jena Sims

Year released: 2015

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Christopher Ray and multi-headed sharks do not mix well.

Their synopsis: “The world’s greatest killing machine is three times as deadly when a mutated shark originating from the Great Pacific garbage patch eats its way through an island research facility…”

My synopsis: Terrible actors, some of whom have excellent breasts, travel from boat to boat, despite a boring, three-headed shark terrorizing the waters.

Quick review: Please, Christopher, for the love of god, don’t make 4-Headed Shark Attack. I beg of you.

Pros: Every single (annoying, poorly-edited) death is welcomed.

Cons: The entire film should’ve been shot at Jena Sim’s place.

Biggest movie cliché: Because of course the black guy’s name is Omar…

Say a nice thing: Danny Trejo is a likeable fella.

Say a sexist thing: Karrueche Tran and Jena Sims are not actresses. They are objects to be leered at, and used for physical pleasure. That’s the only thing they’re good for.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Hahaha, I loved the shots of the boat’s driver trying to stay out of frame. He didn’t do so well.

Most relatable current event: That garbage patch really is a travesty.

Final review: The massive three-headed shark can apparently attack and kill you from anywhere (standing onshore, using the restroom, etc.), so why would it matter if you successfully swam to a boat? It doesn’t. This is merely one reason the film is tensionless. Another? Much like its predecessor, you’ll hate most of the characters and want them to die. That’s not to say you’ll be rooting for the shark, because the shark is also retarded. As is the dialogue. And the premise. This movie is a mess.

Ranking:

1.5 bees

Apocalypse Pompeii

Title: Apocalypse Pompeii

Director: Ben Demaree

Writer: Steve Bevilacqua, Jacob Cooney, Bill Hanstock

Starring: Adrian Paul, Jhey Castles, Georgina Beedle

Year released: 2014

Their synopsis: “…Mt. Vesuvius erupts with massive force…[a] family fights to survive the deadly onslaught of heat and lava…”

My synopsis: A family that would never exist in real life vacations in Pompeii, has terrible timing.

Quick review: How do you say ‘bland’ in Italian?

Pros: After this film was over, I took an awesome nap.

Cons: A note for The Asylum: Hire better actors, or limit your actors’ emotional ranges.

Biggest movie cliché: Everything regarding the dad being former black ops.

Say a nice thing: That Pierce family sure is an attractive bunch.

Say a mean thing: What in god’s name is on your face, Gianni? It’s disgusting.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Can’t we predict these things now?

Most relatable current event: “Damn! Mount Vesuvius’s pyroclastic flow is R-A-W, R-A-W.” What Ice Cube would have said, were he there. (Cause NWA, get it?)

Final review: The paper-thin characters aren’t even remotely believable, and only exist for the purpose of this film. The daughter who fetishizes volcanoes has a super dad who did vaguely badass stuff in black ops. Sure, that’s relatable… This movie is an example of my least favorite kind of Asylum film. It’s not any good, but it doesn’t suck quite enough to be entertaining. Nothing of interest happens, so I can’t really pull anything from it. At least this snoozer had the decency to be atrocious.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Mega Shark vs Kolossus

Title: Mega Shark vs Kolossus

Director: Christopher (Douglas-Olen) Ray

Writer: Edward DeRuiter

Starring: Illeana Douglas, Amy Rider, Edward DeRuiter

Year released: 2015

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Whatever happened to Ace Hannah/Jack Perez?

Their synopsis: “In search of a new energy source, Russia accidentally reawakens the Kolossus…At the same time, a new Mega Shark appears, threatening global security. Now the world must figure out how to stop the deadly giants before they destroy everything on land AND sea.”

My synopsis: Yet again, Mega Shark returns, and a new approach to defeating it is conceived. Spoiler alert! It doesn’t work.

Quick review: A step back for the storied Mega Shark franchise.

Pros: The Unicorn Squadron’s uniforms are terrific. And it was funny when Mega Shark blew up jesus. (Team Unicorn is apparently a thing. Who knew?)

Cons: Kolossus is a shitty versee. Also, were the subtitles for the foreigners, who were speaking perfect English, a reference to something? If not, it was just racist.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Fake Sam Jackson. Fuck you, Asylum.

Least favorite quote: For christ’s sake, stop calling it a “Megalodon.” It’s not a Megalodon. Megalodons had a limited size and would not have been impenetrable to missiles. It’s a fucking Mega Shark or it’s nothing!

Say a nice thing: Kolossus threw Mega Shark into space. Yes, it happened, and it was awesome.

Say a mean thing: The editing, especially for the action scenes, is fucking terrible.

Biggest movie cliché: Why does everything mechanical always have a self-destruct feature?

Most relatable current event: The summer belonged to Deep Blue.

Final review: As much as I hated fake Sam Jackson, at least it was obvious wink to the audience. As was blowing up Cristo Redentor, and distracting the giant Soviet-era robot with an enormous American flag. For some reason, however, the film would often stop enjoying its silliness, and decide that Mega Shark versus Kolossus was a subject to be taken seriously. Kolossus is easily the worst of the Mega Shark opponents. Its storyline didn’t make any sense, and was practically unnecessary. If you want Mega Shark to fight a giant robot, there are a hundred better ways to get there. As awful as Kolossus is, the actual villain of the movie is embarrassing. Another Mega Shark will be made; cross your fingers it’s something fun.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Flight World War II

Title: Flight World War II

Director: Emile Edwin Smith

Writer: Jacob Cooney, Bill Hanstock

Starring: Faran Tahir, Matias Ponce, Aqueela Zoll, Robbie Kay

Year released: 2015

Their synopsis: “Caught in a battle between Allied and German forces, the passengers of a modern day 757 fight to stay alive after their plane mysteriously travels back in time to 1940…”

My synopsis: A passenger jet finds itself in an alternate, WWII reality. Unfortunately, this alternate reality still includes Nazis, and those dirty Krauts try to shoot down the plane.

Quick review: Flight World War Snooze! Hi-yooo!!

Pros: The co-pilot looks just like Jimmy Fallon. It made me chuckle.

Cons: Sergeant Turner can fight, but he sure as shit can’t act. And ‘International Airlines’ is an awful name for an airline. Is every single flight international? Is that even a sustainable business model?

Biggest movie cliché: Poor man’s Ray Liotta is an irritable passenger who needs answers now, lady!

Favorite nonexistent, anti-Semitic quote: How funny would it be if after that one guy said, “We can prevent the Holocaust!” someone yelled out, “Ah, fuck ‘em anyway!”

Say a nice thing: The astonishingly poorly-named Aqueela Zoll is unfairly gorgeous. I mean, good lord…

Say a mean thing: The astonishingly poorly-named Aqueela Zoll is the goddamn nosiest stewardess I’ve ever seen. Mind your business, bitch.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Really? No one questioned the Arab pilot?! He’s the first one I’d blame.

Most relatable current event: Should’ve pulled this maneuver in the first place.

Final review: Ok, I’ll bite. A passenger jet goes back in time to WWII. However, I simply will not buy a 757 outmaneuvering multiple German fighter planes, whilst simultaneously taking no serious damage. You have to draw the line somewhere. I get it, it’s hard to sustain a film based entirely in an airplane, but come on… Just write the planes out. Put the 757 in peril some other way. “Oh no! The unbelievably attractive flight attendant keeps removing her clothes and straddling the pilots! They can’t concentrate! We’re all gonna die! Ahhhhh!” Something like that, maybe. Regardless, it’s not an exciting film. Interesting, but not exciting. I’m never under the illusion that the plane will crash, so it’s ninety minutes of waiting until the plane touches down again. Whoo-hoo.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!

Title: Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!

Director: Anthony C. Ferrante

Writer: Thunder Levin

Starring: Ian Ziering, Tara Reid, Cassie Scerbo

Year released: 2015

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): A nine-year-old told me it was good. I have certain expectations because of this.

Their synopsis: “When a mass of Sharknadoes threatens America’s East Coast…Fin must again risk his life to save his children on spring break…”

My synopsis: The somehow-not-quite-depleted population of sharks on Earth gets, once again, trapped within various natural disasters that threaten America’s Atlantic coast.

Quick review: Entertaining scenes do not an entertaining movie make.

Pros: Some lucky shark literally ate Maria Menounos’s pussy.

Cons: The whole ‘shark on the roller coaster’ bit was moronic, and Fin’s astronaut song is the gayest song ever recorded.

Biggest movie cliché: Wacky celebrity cameos! So many… wacky… celebrity… cameos… Ugh.

Least favorite quote: “They’re made for each other.” They’re most certainly not, Claudia! He’s black and she’s white, for crying out loud!!

Say a nice thing: God, I’ve missed you, Nova.

Say a mean thing: Tara Reid’s mom is a cunt. Her character’s mother, that is. Not her real mom for keeping her. Well…

Biggest suspension of disbelief: A delicious teenage girl forgetting she has a cell phone.

Most relatable current event: The first of many eye-rollingly blatant product placements is Subway. Subway’s preeminent spokesperson for the last 15 years was recently outed as a pedophile.

Final review: Since Sharknado 4 is already a go, I’d like to make some suggestions to Thunder Levin, who is unclear on the concept of “oversaturation.” Lose. The. Celebrity. Cameos. David Hasselhoff (who was actually good) as Fin’s astronaut dad only works if there aren’t four thousand other celebrities preceding him. Also, write an actual movie, not just a collection of scenes. I know a cogent narrative isn’t exactly what this film’s about, but still… Kudos on the ending, though. The final ten minutes is, amazingly, more ridiculous than Sharknado 2’s finale. I was not sure that could be done. Impressively ludicrous.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Avengers Grimm

Title: Avengers Grimm

Director: Jeremy M. Inman

Writer: Jeremy M. Inman

Starring: Casper Van Dien, Lauren Parkinson

Year released: 2015

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I was working really hard this summer at a job I actually liked. I’d apologize for my absence, but I’m pretty sure you don’t care/aren’t reading this anyway.

Their synopsis: “When Rumpelstiltskin destroys the Magic Mirror and escapes to the modern world, the four princesses…are sucked through the portal too. Well-trained and endowed with magical powers, they must fight Rumpelstiltskin and his army of thralls before he enslaves everyone one earth.”

My synopsis: Semi-attractive, middle-aged witches (none of whom can act) are magically transported to 2015 Los Angeles. None of them end up in porn. Completely unrealistic.

Quick review: It’s been awhile, but I’m quite certain the acting was especially godawful. Story was meh.

Pros: Justine Herron. Yum.

Cons: I don’t understand why everyone hates Little Red Riding Hood.

Biggest movie cliché: Don’t these bitches have magic or something? Why are they using it so selectively?

MFK: This is a tough one. Marry Sleeping Beauty. Fuck Rapunzel. Kill Snow White. I’m unsure where Cinderella lands. (Probably fuck.)

Say a nice thing: Red’s jump-table-roll thing was badass. She’s also gorgeous.

Say a mean thing: 99% of tribal tattoos are totally gay, and Kimo was a shitty, juiced-up fighter.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: The junkie’s teeth were too nice. And I don’t understand how Rumpelstiltskin got voted in as mayor so quickly.

Most relatable current event: I can’t decide if Mayor Rumpelstiltskin or Mayor de Blasio is ruining their city more.

Final review: Is it really that hard to kill a mayor? Give me a month, I could kill the mayor of any major city. Guaranteed. Anyway…the story doesn’t make any sense, and only serves the purpose of transferring our mythical, magical characters into the present, because Jeremy Inman thought that’d be cool. Unfortunately, none of the characters’ abilities are defined particularly well, nor do they even use them that often. Oh, and the mob is involved. Cause why not? The acting is dreadful, and Lou Ferrigno’s lisp is distracting. ‘Iron John’ is not the name of a fearsome villain; it’s the name of a gay porn actor. Regretfully, a sequel is probable.

Ranking:

2 bees