Sharktopus vs Whalewolf

Title: Sharktopus vs Whalewolf

Director: Kevin O’Neill

Writer: Matt Yamashita (No credit given on IMDB. Matt’s embarrassed.)

Starring: Casper Van Dien, Akari Endo, Jorge Eduardo De Los Santos

Year released: 2015

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Was supposed to be Sharktopus vs Mermantula, though I believe that still may be coming. Unfortunately.

Their synopsis: This movie is nowhere to be found on Syfy’s website. No writer credit, and no trace of a web page. All of this tells me that Sharktopus vs Whalewolf will be a clusterfuck. Not that I didn’t have that feeling already…

My synopsis: Sharktopus vs Pteracuda…the comedy!

Quick review: Worse than cancer.

Pros: Marginally better acting compared to previous Sharktopus entries.

Cons: Fuck everyone’s irritating, cacophonous, unfunny accents. Especially Dr. Reinhardt’s.

Biggest movie cliché: A sequel that repeats the previous story in a prettier location.

Favorite quote: “You should kiss her.” Pablo, talking to Ray, about an unconscious woman. Pablo is a sexual predator.

Say a nice thing about Dominicans: Dominican women are very sexy…

Say a mean thing about Dominicans: …which is why men put up with their loud mouths, fast talking, hand gestures, and overall obnoxious, insane personalities.

Say another mean thing: I hope Catherine Oxenberg gets her throat slit during a violent raping.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Roger Corman has no idea this exists.

Most relatable current event: Sean Penn and El Chapo meeting to discuss film is less aggravating than Kevin O’Neill and Matt Yamashita doing the same.

Final review: In some ways, this Sharktopus movie is worse than its predecessors. Which is an unreal sentence to have written. The reason? Sharktopus vs Whalewolf thinks it’s hilarious. The opposite is true, however. Everything that’s supposed to elicit a laugh falls flat. At best. At its worst, it induces rage and fury. (Go ahead and guess which happens more often.) I’m hard-pressed to think of a worse series of films than those involving the Sharktopus monster. To call it a franchise would be an insult to franchises. Only the multiple-headed shark films come close. Jeff Marsten is a cunt.

Ranking:

1 bee

Sharktopus vs Pteracuda

Title: Sharktopus vs Pteracuda

Director: Kevin O’Neill

Writer: Matt Yamashita

Starring: Katie Savoy, Rib Hillis, Robert Carradine

Year released: 2014

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Airing shortly after Sharknado 2: The Second One, SyFy tried to capitalize on the Sharknado fever. Without Conan O’Brien, no one would have noticed.

Their synopsis: “The battle to end all battles!”

My synopsis: The people who created Sharktopus made another monster/weapon, which is an animal, but also a computer program? Or something? Then some Russian jew steals it. Meanwhile, a new Sharktopus lives at a low-rent Sea World. (Spoiler alert: The battle does not end all battles.)

Quick review: Aggressively hateful.

Pros: Multiple Sharktopus and Pteracuda fights.

Cons: Jesus holy god… It’s all just so fucking mindless and awful.

Biggest movie cliché: I’m pretty sure somebody actually used the phrase, “I’m gettin’ too old for this.” I was a bit distracted though, burning my arm with a lighter, so I may have misheard.

Least favorite quote: Every line of dialogue that didn’t come out of Conan O’Brien’s mouth.

Say a nice thing: Katie Savoy is very pretty.

Say a mean thing: David Carradine accidentally asphyxiated himself jerking off while wearing fishnets in a hotel closet in Bangkok. The Carradine family is still more embarrassed by Robert’s appearance in this film.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: You cannot train a Sharktopus, especially if there’s a fat, stupid Mexican yelling at it.

Most relatable current event: I only discovered doing this review that yet another Sharktopus movie had been made. I’m going to hate myself so much for watching it.

Final review: It really is shocking to see how little New Horizons’ cares about making a watchable film, even in relation to The Asylum. I mean, my god, it’s fucking horrible. I feel like Roger Corman is dead, and people are just assigning his name to things. If he isn’t dead, I certainly hope he dies soon, and in the most painful way an octogenarian can die. Why would he allow this to see the light of day? Sharktopus vs Pteracuda isn’t funny, interesting, clever, well-shot, well-acted, well-anything, and its dialogue raped my ears. It’s abominable.

Ranking:

1 bee

3-Headed Shark Attack

Title: 3-Headed Shark Attack

Director: Christopher (Douglas-Olen) Ray

Writer: Jacob Cooney, Bill Hanstock

Starring: Karrueche Tran, Brad Mills, Jena Sims

Year released: 2015

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Christopher Ray and multi-headed sharks do not mix well.

Their synopsis: “The world’s greatest killing machine is three times as deadly when a mutated shark originating from the Great Pacific garbage patch eats its way through an island research facility…”

My synopsis: Terrible actors, some of whom have excellent breasts, travel from boat to boat, despite a boring, three-headed shark terrorizing the waters.

Quick review: Please, Christopher, for the love of god, don’t make 4-Headed Shark Attack. I beg of you.

Pros: Every single (annoying, poorly-edited) death is welcomed.

Cons: The entire film should’ve been shot at Jena Sim’s place.

Biggest movie cliché: Because of course the black guy’s name is Omar…

Say a nice thing: Danny Trejo is a likeable fella.

Say a sexist thing: Karrueche Tran and Jena Sims are not actresses. They are objects to be leered at, and used for physical pleasure. That’s the only thing they’re good for.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Hahaha, I loved the shots of the boat’s driver trying to stay out of frame. He didn’t do so well.

Most relatable current event: That garbage patch really is a travesty.

Final review: The massive three-headed shark can apparently attack and kill you from anywhere (standing onshore, using the restroom, etc.), so why would it matter if you successfully swam to a boat? It doesn’t. This is merely one reason the film is tensionless. Another? Much like its predecessor, you’ll hate most of the characters and want them to die. That’s not to say you’ll be rooting for the shark, because the shark is also retarded. As is the dialogue. And the premise. This movie is a mess.

Ranking:

1.5 bees

Mega Shark vs Kolossus

Title: Mega Shark vs Kolossus

Director: Christopher (Douglas-Olen) Ray

Writer: Edward DeRuiter

Starring: Illeana Douglas, Amy Rider, Edward DeRuiter

Year released: 2015

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Whatever happened to Ace Hannah/Jack Perez?

Their synopsis: “In search of a new energy source, Russia accidentally reawakens the Kolossus…At the same time, a new Mega Shark appears, threatening global security. Now the world must figure out how to stop the deadly giants before they destroy everything on land AND sea.”

My synopsis: Yet again, Mega Shark returns, and a new approach to defeating it is conceived. Spoiler alert! It doesn’t work.

Quick review: A step back for the storied Mega Shark franchise.

Pros: The Unicorn Squadron’s uniforms are terrific. And it was funny when Mega Shark blew up jesus. (Team Unicorn is apparently a thing. Who knew?)

Cons: Kolossus is a shitty versee. Also, were the subtitles for the foreigners, who were speaking perfect English, a reference to something? If not, it was just racist.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Fake Sam Jackson. Fuck you, Asylum.

Least favorite quote: For christ’s sake, stop calling it a “Megalodon.” It’s not a Megalodon. Megalodons had a limited size and would not have been impenetrable to missiles. It’s a fucking Mega Shark or it’s nothing!

Say a nice thing: Kolossus threw Mega Shark into space. Yes, it happened, and it was awesome.

Say a mean thing: The editing, especially for the action scenes, is fucking terrible.

Biggest movie cliché: Why does everything mechanical always have a self-destruct feature?

Most relatable current event: The summer belonged to Deep Blue.

Final review: As much as I hated fake Sam Jackson, at least it was obvious wink to the audience. As was blowing up Cristo Redentor, and distracting the giant Soviet-era robot with an enormous American flag. For some reason, however, the film would often stop enjoying its silliness, and decide that Mega Shark versus Kolossus was a subject to be taken seriously. Kolossus is easily the worst of the Mega Shark opponents. Its storyline didn’t make any sense, and was practically unnecessary. If you want Mega Shark to fight a giant robot, there are a hundred better ways to get there. As awful as Kolossus is, the actual villain of the movie is embarrassing. Another Mega Shark will be made; cross your fingers it’s something fun.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!

Title: Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!

Director: Anthony C. Ferrante

Writer: Thunder Levin

Starring: Ian Ziering, Tara Reid, Cassie Scerbo

Year released: 2015

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): A nine-year-old told me it was good. I have certain expectations because of this.

Their synopsis: “When a mass of Sharknadoes threatens America’s East Coast…Fin must again risk his life to save his children on spring break…”

My synopsis: The somehow-not-quite-depleted population of sharks on Earth gets, once again, trapped within various natural disasters that threaten America’s Atlantic coast.

Quick review: Entertaining scenes do not an entertaining movie make.

Pros: Some lucky shark literally ate Maria Menounos’s pussy.

Cons: The whole ‘shark on the roller coaster’ bit was moronic, and Fin’s astronaut song is the gayest song ever recorded.

Biggest movie cliché: Wacky celebrity cameos! So many… wacky… celebrity… cameos… Ugh.

Least favorite quote: “They’re made for each other.” They’re most certainly not, Claudia! He’s black and she’s white, for crying out loud!!

Say a nice thing: God, I’ve missed you, Nova.

Say a mean thing: Tara Reid’s mom is a cunt. Her character’s mother, that is. Not her real mom for keeping her. Well…

Biggest suspension of disbelief: A delicious teenage girl forgetting she has a cell phone.

Most relatable current event: The first of many eye-rollingly blatant product placements is Subway. Subway’s preeminent spokesperson for the last 15 years was recently outed as a pedophile.

Final review: Since Sharknado 4 is already a go, I’d like to make some suggestions to Thunder Levin, who is unclear on the concept of “oversaturation.” Lose. The. Celebrity. Cameos. David Hasselhoff (who was actually good) as Fin’s astronaut dad only works if there aren’t four thousand other celebrities preceding him. Also, write an actual movie, not just a collection of scenes. I know a cogent narrative isn’t exactly what this film’s about, but still… Kudos on the ending, though. The final ten minutes is, amazingly, more ridiculous than Sharknado 2’s finale. I was not sure that could be done. Impressively ludicrous.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Hansel vs Gretel

Title: Hansel vs Gretel

Director: Ben Demaree

Writer: Jose Prendes

Starring: Brent Lydic, Lili Baross, Aqueela Zoll (terrible name, so hot)

Year released: 2015

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): The Asylum’s latest release. Just reviewed the original.

Their synopsis: “Trapped under a dark spell, Gretel assembles a coven of witches that terrorizes the town until Hansel finds the courage to fight his sister and the sinister forces that control her.”

My synopsis: Witches be trippin’.

Quick review: Exactly as watchable as the first.

Pros: Would you fuck a teenage demon cheerleader witch? I’d fuck a teenage demon cheerleader witch.

Cons: Conspicuously absent? The talented and gorgeous Stephanie Greco. Although, to be fair, Lili Baross wasn’t bad.

Biggest movie cliché: Why do witches always have to wear black? With her skin tone, I think the Indian one would have looked nice in pastels.

Favorite quote: “Please fucking explain why you tore off our grandmother’s head!”

Say a nice thing: My favorite was the witch that licked everything. God, what a creep.

Say a mean thing: You saw a witch burrow into the ground like a gopher? No you fucking didn’t, you fucking liar.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: What kind of cryptic-ass witches lead you on a scavenger hunt?

Most relatable current event: Germany is fucking weird.

Final review: I’m not sure what I can say that would be different from my review of the first Asylum Hansel and Gretel movie. The villains are kind of silly, and the ending is arbitrary and dumb. If nothing else, I suppose Jose Prendes is consistently mediocre in his filmic witch-writing abilities. Hansel vs Gretel is not as rooted in the original fairy tale as its predecessor, which is bad news, but there are elements of Blade in this, which is good. We’ll call it even. I’m going to assume Prendes will eventually get around to penning a third film, so let’s all just wait and see how that one goes.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

13/13/13

Title: 13/13/13

Director: James Cullen Bressack

Writer: James Cullen Bressack

Starring: Trae Ireland, Erin Coker, a lot of terrible actors

Year released: 2013

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Let’s just get this over with…

Their synopsis: Blah blah Mayans blah, “Now we are in the 13th month of the 13th year of the new millennium, and the few who survive will battle a world of demons.”

My synopsis: A bunch of people who are zombies or something get angry, curse, then laugh. Except for this one guy and a nurse because they’re leap year babies.

Quick review: Incomprehensibly stupid. Embarrassingly acted.

Pros: A pedophile was murdered by a child.

Cons: That fat, tattooed piece of shit wants to be Nick Frost so badly.

Biggest movie cliché: Bad guys always turn on each other at the most inopportune times.

Favorite quote: “We found the deserter!” Said by a crazy guy right before he shoots the main characters daughter in the head. It was easily the best part of the movie. Sorta like when Liam Neeson shoots that guy’s wife in Taken.

Say a nice thing: It appears as though this Asylum trilogy predates the Mega Shark trilogy. I was wrong.

Say a racist thing: That black guy was hanging out with too many white people for my liking.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Quentin’s roadkill game doesn’t appear to make any sense.

Most relatable current event: A black cop kills a bunch of white people. #JusticefortheZombies

Final review: The final 15-20 minutes or so are surprisingly un-horrible. Getting there is the problem. Past the remarkably razor-thin plot, godawful acting, glaring inaccuracies, etc. That it had a “writer” is strange to me. Just letting the actors talk as themselves would have been more convincing. They sure as shit can’t act; I think it would’ve been worth a shot. Bottom line, this is not a well-made film.

Ranking:

1.5 bees

12/12/12

Title: 12/12/12

Director: Jared Cohn

Writer: Jared Cohn

Starring: Sara Malakul Lane, Jesus Guevara, Steve Hanks

Year released: 2012

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Sequel to 11/11/11, the previous post. Normally, I go away from a series, then revisit it later, because that’s the illogical way I like to do things. This film, however, features Sara Malakul Lane, so I want to watch tit it.

Their synopsis: “When baby Sebastian is born on 12/12/12 everyone around him starts to die. Soon, his mother realizes that her son in the spawn of Hell.”

My synopsis: It’s like The Happening, except a devil baby is global warming. (And if you think that sounds stupid, try watching the movie.)

Quick review: I’m including a few pictures. Without them, you would think I was lying. Dumber. Than. Fuck.

Pros: At 1:14, a new record in “Start to Tits” time for The Asylum.

Cons: A black woman picked up a white baby and instantly became Jamaican. I’m not offended by the racism; I’m offended by the stupidity.

Biggest movie cliché: Psh, obviously when the newborn baby ate his mother’s pussy. Typical Hollywood…

Describe the opening birth scene: Other than the acting, it seemed very realistic. (And gross.) That was until the tiny satan baby murdered the doctor with its umbilical cord, and strangled the nurse to death with its teeny bare hands. It was embarrassingly, laughably awful.

Say a nice thing: Props on losing the baby weight so quickly. Six days? Impressive.

Say a mean thing: How are you letting a baby kill you? It’s a fucking baby! Just step on its soft little head!

Biggest suspension of disbelief: So I guess 12 is the devil’s number now? Why does the devil need so many numbers and/or children to be born into?

Biggest disappointment: It took me until now to realize Sara Malakul’s tits are fake. Good fakes, but still…

Final review: I have no earthly idea what Jared Cohn thought he was doing with this film. It’s inane. I’m talking mind-bogglingly retarded. And serious! If he’d made this movie a comedy, it’d be the greatest thing The Asylum ever did! Unfortunately, only about 15 minutes are watchable. The rest of it is just a mindless, meandering mess.

Ranking:

1 bee

Sharknado 2: The Second One

Title: Sharknado 2: The Second One

Director: Anthony C. Ferrante

Writer: Thunder Levin

Starring: Ian Ziering, Vivica A. Fox, Mark McGrath, Tara Reid

Year released: 2014

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): “When the sequel comes out later this year, I look forward to seeing if anyone gives two fucks.” I wrote that referring to Sharknado 2, in my review of the first Sharknado, and it seems that people indeed gave some fucks. (Albeit temporarily. Again.) Based on what I’ve heard and read, I can’t decide whether Sharknado 2: The Second One will be genuinely awesome, or meta-joke hell.

Their synopsis: “It came, it saw, it tore s#@t up!”

My synopsis: Multiple sharknados converge upon a Seinfeldian Manhattan (meaning there are too many white people) threatening to destroy the metropolis.

Quick review: Not even one iota of a good goddamn was given in the creation and production of this movie, and I generally mean that in a good way.

Pros: Tara Reid’s saw hand. Other things as amusingly silly.

Cons: The Sharknado song stinks. Product placement out the asshole.

Best cameo: Robert Kline, the mayor, was talking to Kurt Angle, the…fireman? Cop? Also, Robert Hays from Airplane! was the pilot in the (surprisingly not terrible) opening sequence.

Worst cameo: Downtown Julie Brown looks like a Pachycephalosaurus wearing a wig.

Say a sassy thing: The sharks aren’t the only ones flaming in New York, girl! *Finger snap!*

Say a mean thing: I wish every dumb cunt that rode their bike on the sidewalk in NYC got squashed by a whale shark.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: How does a jew write about New York City so poorly?

Final review: Going in, I thought Sharknado 2 was going to be terrible or great. I’m somewhat disappointed that it’s neither of those, but it was indeed good. Nonsensical, self-aware, wacky, and good. There was some relative star power for an Asylum movie, and most of the celebrity cameos were well done. The ending is literally too stupid to be described, so I won’t even try. It must be seen to be…believed, I guess.

I read that at nearly four million viewers, this movie broke a few Syfy ratings records, which can only mean one thing… Get ready for Sharknado 3.

Ranking:

3 bees

Piranhaconda

Title: Piranhaconda

Director: Jim Wynorski

Writer: J. Brad Wilke, Mike MacLean

Starring: Rib Hillis, Terri Ivens, Shandi Finnessey, Michael Madsen

Year released: 2012

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Somehow, this is the sequel to Sharktopus.

Their synopsis: “Life imitates art when a horror film crew encounters a half fish, half snake monster!”

My synopsis: Bad actresses with big tits get eaten by a large fish-headed serpent. Something about ransom.

Quick review: I’m not sure it’s worse than Sharktopus, but I’m also not sure it’s better.

Pros: Very attractive women.

Cons: Mike MacLean wrote it. He should have his goddamn hands chopped off.

Biggest movie cliché: The scientist’s theft of the creature’s egg turns out to be a bad idea.

Least favorite quote: Stop saying, “Leilani!”

Say a nice thing: I hate to admit this, but I actually smiled at one of the meta-jokes. It wasn’t out of amusement, but out of “I can’t believe you just said that. You son of a bitch…”

Say a mean thing: I’d rather have somebody cut my ear off and set me on fire than watch this movie again.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: I can’t believe how much I like the Piranhaconda’s theme song. I should be shot. The Sharktopus has a theme song too, which I apparently overlooked. Also quite catchy.

Most relatable current event: New Jersey’s stealth anaconda.

Final review: The more I review this movie, the more I realize I basically just rewatched Sharktopus. That’s why this counts as the sequel, because it’s just as painfully dreadful. The same awful meta-jokes, the same horrible acting, the same ending, the same rage slowly building inside me. Perhaps the only reason I don’t hate it as much as its predecessor is because I haven’t watched a godawful B movie in about a month, and I don’t remember how annoyed I should be.

Ranking:

1.5 bees