Cowboys vs Dinosaurs

Title: Cowboys vs Dinosaurs

Director: Ari Novak

Writer: Anthony Fankhauser, Rafael Jordan

Starring: Rib Hillis, Casey Fitzgerald, Kelcey Watson

Year released: 2015

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I’m not sure I remember how to do this; I’m just trying to stave off crippling depression. Things are…not going well.

Their synopsis: “When an accidental mine explosion releases dinosaurs, the citizens of an Old West frontier town must defend themselves against the prehistoric menace.”

My synopsis: Dozens of theropods, including one T. rex, that have apparently been living underground for millions of years (surviving on god knows what) are brought to the surface, and begin killing desert trash for sport. The last part I understand.

Quick review: I don’t think any of these people are actually cowboys.

Pros: Some mildly attractive girl with a terrible tattoo let a river masturbate her.

Cons: It’s like they’ve never even heard of dinosaurs. And why are all these young, hot women dating gross old guys?

Biggest movie cliché: Doesn’t seem like this small-town, power-hungry sheriff has his priorities in line.

Say a nice thing: The triumphant return of serious thespian Sara Malakul Lane. Here she is with her tits on a skateboard.

Say a sarcastic thing: Eric Roberts playing a washed-up, alcoholic burnout? I don’t buy it.

Say a creepy thing: That dead girl’s camel toe was really turning me on.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Wait a second, were they trying to pass off a radar gun as a Geiger counter? (Oh, methane detector. Still stupid.)

Most relatable current event: Dinosaurs it has none, but Westworld is a goddamn good show.

Final review: The dinosaurs are very clearly physical manifestations of loneliness. They’re ever-present, perpetually simmering just below the surface. The mine is representative of the human psyche, and the message the film is trying to convey, is that there is great danger in carelessly and consistently mining for a positive outcome, as the overwhelming onslaught of self-doubt and isolation is all but assured. It will feast on your flesh. Consume you.

Our protagonist, Valex, is a friendless wanderer, who has returned home after failing to find any true semblance of love or meaning outside of the world in which he grew up. And yet, he still cannot find peace, because the only people he genuinely cares about have moved on with their lives, leaving him to flounder and drown in his unnecessary, useless existence. In order to find “actual” happiness, the reciprocal love of a woman, Val must literally jump off of a goddamn cliff, while simultaneously fighting the fact (/dinosaur) that he will always be alone, in life and in death. So really, what’s the difference?

Is it better to live, conscious of your unending loneliness, or simply die, and be free of the suffering? …Or I could be projecting all that, and this movie is just retarded.

Ranking:

2 bees

Sharktopus vs Whalewolf

Title: Sharktopus vs Whalewolf

Director: Kevin O’Neill

Writer: Matt Yamashita (No credit given on IMDB. Matt’s embarrassed.)

Starring: Casper Van Dien, Akari Endo, Jorge Eduardo De Los Santos

Year released: 2015

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Was supposed to be Sharktopus vs Mermantula, though I believe that still may be coming. Unfortunately.

Their synopsis: This movie is nowhere to be found on Syfy’s website. No writer credit, and no trace of a web page. All of this tells me that Sharktopus vs Whalewolf will be a clusterfuck. Not that I didn’t have that feeling already…

My synopsis: Sharktopus vs Pteracuda…the comedy!

Quick review: Worse than cancer.

Pros: Marginally better acting compared to previous Sharktopus entries.

Cons: Fuck everyone’s irritating, cacophonous, unfunny accents. Especially Dr. Reinhardt’s.

Biggest movie cliché: A sequel that repeats the previous story in a prettier location.

Favorite quote: “You should kiss her.” Pablo, talking to Ray, about an unconscious woman. Pablo is a sexual predator.

Say a nice thing about Dominicans: Dominican women are very sexy…

Say a mean thing about Dominicans: …which is why men put up with their loud mouths, fast talking, hand gestures, and overall obnoxious, insane personalities.

Say another mean thing: I hope Catherine Oxenberg gets her throat slit during a violent raping.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Roger Corman has no idea this exists.

Most relatable current event: Sean Penn and El Chapo meeting to discuss film is less aggravating than Kevin O’Neill and Matt Yamashita doing the same.

Final review: In some ways, this Sharktopus movie is worse than its predecessors. Which is an unreal sentence to have written. The reason? Sharktopus vs Whalewolf thinks it’s hilarious. The opposite is true, however. Everything that’s supposed to elicit a laugh falls flat. At best. At its worst, it induces rage and fury. (Go ahead and guess which happens more often.) I’m hard-pressed to think of a worse series of films than those involving the Sharktopus monster. To call it a franchise would be an insult to franchises. Only the multiple-headed shark films come close. Jeff Marsten is a cunt.

Ranking:

1 bee

Sharktopus vs Pteracuda

Title: Sharktopus vs Pteracuda

Director: Kevin O’Neill

Writer: Matt Yamashita

Starring: Katie Savoy, Rib Hillis, Robert Carradine

Year released: 2014

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Airing shortly after Sharknado 2: The Second One, SyFy tried to capitalize on the Sharknado fever. Without Conan O’Brien, no one would have noticed.

Their synopsis: “The battle to end all battles!”

My synopsis: The people who created Sharktopus made another monster/weapon, which is an animal, but also a computer program? Or something? Then some Russian jew steals it. Meanwhile, a new Sharktopus lives at a low-rent Sea World. (Spoiler alert: The battle does not end all battles.)

Quick review: Aggressively hateful.

Pros: Multiple Sharktopus and Pteracuda fights.

Cons: Jesus holy god… It’s all just so fucking mindless and awful.

Biggest movie cliché: I’m pretty sure somebody actually used the phrase, “I’m gettin’ too old for this.” I was a bit distracted though, burning my arm with a lighter, so I may have misheard.

Least favorite quote: Every line of dialogue that didn’t come out of Conan O’Brien’s mouth.

Say a nice thing: Katie Savoy is very pretty.

Say a mean thing: David Carradine accidentally asphyxiated himself jerking off while wearing fishnets in a hotel closet in Bangkok. The Carradine family is still more embarrassed by Robert’s appearance in this film.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: You cannot train a Sharktopus, especially if there’s a fat, stupid Mexican yelling at it.

Most relatable current event: I only discovered doing this review that yet another Sharktopus movie had been made. I’m going to hate myself so much for watching it.

Final review: It really is shocking to see how little New Horizons’ cares about making a watchable film, even in relation to The Asylum. I mean, my god, it’s fucking horrible. I feel like Roger Corman is dead, and people are just assigning his name to things. If he isn’t dead, I certainly hope he dies soon, and in the most painful way an octogenarian can die. Why would he allow this to see the light of day? Sharktopus vs Pteracuda isn’t funny, interesting, clever, well-shot, well-acted, well-anything, and its dialogue raped my ears. It’s abominable.

Ranking:

1 bee

Mega Shark vs Kolossus

Title: Mega Shark vs Kolossus

Director: Christopher (Douglas-Olen) Ray

Writer: Edward DeRuiter

Starring: Illeana Douglas, Amy Rider, Edward DeRuiter

Year released: 2015

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Whatever happened to Ace Hannah/Jack Perez?

Their synopsis: “In search of a new energy source, Russia accidentally reawakens the Kolossus…At the same time, a new Mega Shark appears, threatening global security. Now the world must figure out how to stop the deadly giants before they destroy everything on land AND sea.”

My synopsis: Yet again, Mega Shark returns, and a new approach to defeating it is conceived. Spoiler alert! It doesn’t work.

Quick review: A step back for the storied Mega Shark franchise.

Pros: The Unicorn Squadron’s uniforms are terrific. And it was funny when Mega Shark blew up jesus. (Team Unicorn is apparently a thing. Who knew?)

Cons: Kolossus is a shitty versee. Also, were the subtitles for the foreigners, who were speaking perfect English, a reference to something? If not, it was just racist.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Fake Sam Jackson. Fuck you, Asylum.

Least favorite quote: For christ’s sake, stop calling it a “Megalodon.” It’s not a Megalodon. Megalodons had a limited size and would not have been impenetrable to missiles. It’s a fucking Mega Shark or it’s nothing!

Say a nice thing: Kolossus threw Mega Shark into space. Yes, it happened, and it was awesome.

Say a mean thing: The editing, especially for the action scenes, is fucking terrible.

Biggest movie cliché: Why does everything mechanical always have a self-destruct feature?

Most relatable current event: The summer belonged to Deep Blue.

Final review: As much as I hated fake Sam Jackson, at least it was obvious wink to the audience. As was blowing up Cristo Redentor, and distracting the giant Soviet-era robot with an enormous American flag. For some reason, however, the film would often stop enjoying its silliness, and decide that Mega Shark versus Kolossus was a subject to be taken seriously. Kolossus is easily the worst of the Mega Shark opponents. Its storyline didn’t make any sense, and was practically unnecessary. If you want Mega Shark to fight a giant robot, there are a hundred better ways to get there. As awful as Kolossus is, the actual villain of the movie is embarrassing. Another Mega Shark will be made; cross your fingers it’s something fun.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Hansel vs Gretel

Title: Hansel vs Gretel

Director: Ben Demaree

Writer: Jose Prendes

Starring: Brent Lydic, Lili Baross, Aqueela Zoll (terrible name, so hot)

Year released: 2015

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): The Asylum’s latest release. Just reviewed the original.

Their synopsis: “Trapped under a dark spell, Gretel assembles a coven of witches that terrorizes the town until Hansel finds the courage to fight his sister and the sinister forces that control her.”

My synopsis: Witches be trippin’.

Quick review: Exactly as watchable as the first.

Pros: Would you fuck a teenage demon cheerleader witch? I’d fuck a teenage demon cheerleader witch.

Cons: Conspicuously absent? The talented and gorgeous Stephanie Greco. Although, to be fair, Lili Baross wasn’t bad.

Biggest movie cliché: Why do witches always have to wear black? With her skin tone, I think the Indian one would have looked nice in pastels.

Favorite quote: “Please fucking explain why you tore off our grandmother’s head!”

Say a nice thing: My favorite was the witch that licked everything. God, what a creep.

Say a mean thing: You saw a witch burrow into the ground like a gopher? No you fucking didn’t, you fucking liar.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: What kind of cryptic-ass witches lead you on a scavenger hunt?

Most relatable current event: Germany is fucking weird.

Final review: I’m not sure what I can say that would be different from my review of the first Asylum Hansel and Gretel movie. The villains are kind of silly, and the ending is arbitrary and dumb. If nothing else, I suppose Jose Prendes is consistently mediocre in his filmic witch-writing abilities. Hansel vs Gretel is not as rooted in the original fairy tale as its predecessor, which is bad news, but there are elements of Blade in this, which is good. We’ll call it even. I’m going to assume Prendes will eventually get around to penning a third film, so let’s all just wait and see how that one goes.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

AVH: Alien vs Hunter

Title: AVH: Alien vs Hunter

Director: Scott Harper

Writer: David Michael Latt

Starring: William Katt, Dedee Pfeiffer, Wittly Jourdan

Year released: 2007

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I enjoy the Alien vs Predator mythos so much that I have a tattoo expressing such. Therefore, I will be a stern critic of this rip-off film, of which I finally found an English version.

Their synopsis: “A galactic hunter chases the most dangerous alien creature in the universe to planet Earth, where humanity is caught between predator and prey.”

My synopsis: Chinese Robocop hunts a large alien spider, while humans run around talking and dying.

Quick review: The Alien vs Hunter fight scenes were only marginally more interesting than the humans chatting to each other.

Pros: I’ll bet ol’ Lee Cussler tries to hook up a three at the end of the movie. (Spoiler alert!)

Cons: The sound mixing was terrible. Every time someone whispered, you could absolutely not hear them.

Describe the Hunter: If Mortal Kombat’s Raiden was a scuba diver in the 1930s.

Describe the Alien: If the Alien (the actual Alien) impregnated Shelob.

Say a nice thing: Dedee Pfeiffer is pretty good, and also played Victoria in one of my top five Seinfeld episodes, ‘The Opposite.’ I like her.

Say a mean thing: Tammy is pretty sexy, but she needs to shut her stupid fucking mouth.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: The ending. The Hunter was a human or something (Another spoiler alert.), but I didn’t really care by that point.

Most relatable current event: Not super current, but I’m excited for Shane Black’s Predator sequel.

Final review: The last time I reviewed an Asylum film older than 2010 was in May, and I’ll say this, they’ve certainly gotten better over the years in terms of production value and special effects. Watching the Hunter fight the Alien was like watching Mechagodzilla fight Gigan. There was also virtually zero plot. Every character wanted to do something different, but nobody ended up doing anything. They just walked around outside a lot, which is odd as the only thing the characters ever agreed on was that being outside was dangerous. The final scene hints at a sequel, which, thank christ, never got made.

Ranking:

2 bees

Abraham Lincoln vs Zombies

Title: Abraham Lincoln vs Zombies

Director: Richard Schenkman

Writer: Karl T. Hirsch, Lauren Proctor, Richard Schenkman

Starring: Bill Oberst Jr.

Year released: 2012

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Pretty badass poster.

Their synopsis: “While the Civil War rages on, President Abraham Lincoln must undertake an even more daunting task: Destroying the Confederate Undead.”

My synopsis: America’s 16th president somberly kills zombies at Fort Pulaski with John Wilkes Booth, Stonewall Jackson, and Theodore Roosevelt. (No, I’m not lying.)

Quick review: It’s boring and dumb.

Pros: Lincoln dodging bullets like a slow ass Neo.

Cons: Terrible phony facial hair. Bullshit historical elbow nudges. And I’m not sure why the gorgeous Annika (Anna Fricks) had to die so soon after her introduction.

Smallest suspension of disbelief: How fast that black guy ran to save the white girl. (Double racist!)

Say a nice thing: William Oberst Jr. did not a bad Lincoln make.

Say a mean thing: I’d rather the return of human enslavement than to watch this film again.

Biggest movie cliché: Really?! This movie needed a love story? Are you fucking kidding me?!

Most relatable current event: Stuart Scott’s now lifeless corpse is as cool as the other side of the pillow. (One of many jokes I can’t tell my friends right now because they’d judge me. [Though my brother is game.] Another thing, why is everyone acting like Nelson Mandela just died? Stuart Scott said “Booyah!” for a living. A little perspective, please.)

Final review: I think they’re making the occasional joke, but I suppose it could also be interpreted as regular, awful dialogue. Sure, you had a few “Emancipate this!” lines, but it should’ve been the entire film. Wasn’t this the problem with Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter as well? A ridiculous premise taken far too seriously? Why make a guy dress up like Abe Lincoln and fight 19th-century zombies if you’re going to have a stick up your ass about it? Lincoln’s solemn verboseness would have been hilarious contrasted with more silliness and/or wacky sight gags. Instead, it just seems normal.

Ranking:

2 bees

Asteroid vs Earth

Title: Asteroid vs Earth

Director: Christopher (Douglas-Olen) Ray

Writer: Adam Lipsius

Starring: Tia Carrere, Jason Brooks, Robert Davi

Year released: 2014

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I don’t really see how an asteroid and the Earth can versus each other.

Their synopsis: “When a shower of massive meteors threatens Earth’s inhabitants with extinction, the world’s greatest minds devise a dangerous plan that will tilt the planet off its axis to avoid the impact.”

My synopsis: This guy wants to bang an Asian girl at a bar, but ends up having to work with her to set off nukes in the Yap Trench. Eventually, I think he probably does end up banging her.

Quick review: It’s not very exciting, but it’s not altogether bad.

Pros: Believable, normal homosexual characters in an Asylum film.

Cons: The movie’s asteroid-avoidance plot is less coherent than Armageddon’s.

Biggest movie cliché: A completely ludicrous, impossible-to-achieve idea to save Earth from asteroidal annihilation actually worked!

Best cameo: Melvin Gregg!

Say a nice thing: I liked the fidgety Asian intern.

Say a mean thing: The only good thing about Davi’s helmet of a hairpiece is that it distracts from his godawful, craterous face.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: That kid in charge of the nukes was far too young to be giving orders. The varying weight of the nuclear warheads was also completely absurd.

Most relatable current event: This could be Asteroid vs Earth 2.

Final review: It’s fairly well-executed, but lord almighty is it boring. I kept having to pause it and go do things, then come back. Perhaps this isn’t the best way to review a film, but it beats sleeping through it (which did happen once) and making this whole thing up. (Although, I’m not sure anyone would know the difference.) More, or just better, action sequences would have helped break up the monotony. Not creating monotony would have also been advisable.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Airplane vs Volcano

Title: Airplane vs Volcano

Director: The Kondelik Brothers

Writer: The Kondelik Brothers

Starring: Dean Cain, Robin Givens, Tamara Goodwin

Year released: 2014

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I recently finished reading Undisputed Truth, Mike Tyson’s autobiography. I hope Robin Givens gets volcanoed somethin’ good.

Their synopsis: “When a commercial airliner is trapped within a ring of erupting volcanoes, the passengers and crew must find a way to survive – without landing.”

My synopsis: The Kondelik Brothers hate films, common sense, and America, so they made this godawful mess of shit.

Quick review: ‘Hate’ is not strong enough a word.

Pros: One or two of the human beings in this movie has the ability to act.

Cons: Every single con.

Biggest movie cliché: Are there any airplane disaster films where no one on the plane knows how to fly? The pilots die, and the damn thing just crashes into the ocean? God did I want that to happen…

Least favorite quote: When I heard the immortal “Let’s plow the road!” from Independence Day, I wanted to break my iPad. How dare they.

Say a mean thing: There isn’t a reason this film should have been made, but there are even less reasons why the Kondelik brothers shouldn’t be strangled with chicken wire.

Say a meaner thing: I wish the Kondelik brothers’ cunt of a mother was an enthusiast of third-trimester abortions.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: It would be unfair to highlight any one single aspect of this ridiculously unbelievable film.

Most relatable current event: Repeated Ray Rice left hands would be preferable. Or a day out with ISIS. (I’d rather be hurt or killed. You get it. Real original.)

Final review: A short list of versus movies that would be more plausible and interesting than this: Grandmother vs Internet, Clouds vs Sunshine, Buttons vs Zippers. There is almost nothing redeeming about this film. As a result, I hate it so very much. It’s a movie whose shittiness is of such incredible proportions, it has to be witnessed. But you should never see this film. Ever. Watch anything else. Infants falling off ladders, for example. That would be ten times as profound and intriguing.

Ranking:

.5 bee

Mega Python vs Gatoroid

Title: Mega Python vs Gatoroid

Director: Mary Lambert

Writer: Naomi L. Selfman

Starring: Deborah Gibson, Tiffany, A (Adolph) Martinez

Year released: 2011

Their synopsis: “After a species of giant python invades the everglades, park rangers breed mutant alligators to counter the threat.”

My synopsis: Some dumb lady releases genetically modified pythons into the wild, so some other dumb lady feeds alligators steroid chickens. This is exactly why women should not be allowed to study the sciences.

Quick review: This movie probably would’ve grossed $200 million if it had been made in 1988. Only missed it by a couple of decades.

Pros: Catfight! That old lady from Desperate Housewives is also pretty good.

Cons: All the other actors have the emotional range of a rabid ferret.

Hottest ‘80s teen idol: At their peak, I’d have taken Tiffany. Right now? Debbie Gibson.

Biggest movie cliché: Somebody saying they need something done “yesterday!”

Say a nice thing: The leading ladies both looked quite lovely in their evening wear.

Say a mean thing: The big celebrity you brought in for your fundraiser was Micky Dolenz? Adam Lanza’s rotting corpse would have raised more money.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Somebody referred to the 70-year-old former Monkee as “hot.”

Final review: Luring giant reptiles into an egg-laden quarry and then blowing the hell out of it is, on paper, the most plausible monster movie ending in Asylum history. Of course, it involved the use of pheromones, which isn’t exactly an original idea. The “versus” monster plot was done correctly, wherein both monsters attack the respective opposing group, then come together toward the end to fuck all kinds of shit up. Negatively? The action scenes are awful, nobody can stop overacting, the helicopter pilot at the end is a retard, and the references to Tiffany and Debbie Gibson’s songstress past are painfully shoehorned in. Finally, in a fun twist, (Spoiler alert!) both leading ladies die at the hands of the monsters they helped create. This leads to a Mexican hosting a ribbon-cutting ceremony, which has probably never happened before ever. Racism!

Ranking:

2.5 bees