Hercules Reborn

Title: Hercules Reborn

Director: Nick Lyon

Writer: Jim Hemphill, Jose Montesinos

Starring: John Hennigan, Christian Oliver, Dylan Vox

Year released: 2014

Their synopsis: “When a young man’s bride is kidnapped by an evil king, he turns to Hercules for help. The fallen hero has been living in exile…Together, they fight to rescue the bride and reclaim Hercules’ honor.”

My synopsis: Out of nowhere, some guy remembers some dude named Hercules is a bad motherfucker who can maybe help him overthrow some other guy who decided he wanted to be king.

Quick review: “The Rock woulda been fucked these niggas up.” -WorldStar commenter-

Pros: The sets weren’t good, but I was expecting worse.

Cons: The armor looked plastic, and not one thing the “comic relief” said was funny.

Biggest movie cliché: Villains slowly attacking a single man one by one.

Favorite quote: “Cunt.” The appropriate response when a woman, literally or figuratively, stabs you in the back.

Say a nice thing: Goddamn, Hercules is cut the fuck up! Turns out, John Hennigan is a wrestler who goes by John Morrison/Johnny Mundo. I was wondering why Hercules frog splashed some guy in the middle of a fight scene. (I’m serious. That actually happened.)

Say a mean thing: I thought Nikos was gay until he raped Arius’s wife.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Sure, let’s just shoehorn Hercules in like that. What the fuck is going on here?

Best? cameo: James Duval. (Miguel, Randy Quaid’s eldest kid from Independence Day.) I knew I recognized that guy.

Most relatable current event: New HEMA documentary, if you’re interested in a nerdgasm.

Final review: A few things really bothered me. Firstly, the modern dialogue written into ancient Greece. I’m not asking for a great deal of historical accuracy with the language, but I do expect better than “I’m totally the best man!” and lines of this ilk. Jim Hemphill is apparently to blame for the godawful screenplay, and I’d be much obliged if he never picked up a pen again. Second, I hated the casting for two of the three main leads. I didn’t buy Christian Oliver as the heroic Arius. He looked more like a homeschooled teenager who’s into obscure sports. Duckpin bowling or something. And Dylan Vox as Nikos looked (and acted) like a shitty alt comic. Hercules being made the outright lead would have resulted in a better film.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

 

Sharktopus vs Pteracuda

Title: Sharktopus vs Pteracuda

Director: Kevin O’Neill

Writer: Matt Yamashita

Starring: Katie Savoy, Rib Hillis, Robert Carradine

Year released: 2014

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Airing shortly after Sharknado 2: The Second One, SyFy tried to capitalize on the Sharknado fever. Without Conan O’Brien, no one would have noticed.

Their synopsis: “The battle to end all battles!”

My synopsis: The people who created Sharktopus made another monster/weapon, which is an animal, but also a computer program? Or something? Then some Russian jew steals it. Meanwhile, a new Sharktopus lives at a low-rent Sea World. (Spoiler alert: The battle does not end all battles.)

Quick review: Aggressively hateful.

Pros: Multiple Sharktopus and Pteracuda fights.

Cons: Jesus holy god… It’s all just so fucking mindless and awful.

Biggest movie cliché: I’m pretty sure somebody actually used the phrase, “I’m gettin’ too old for this.” I was a bit distracted though, burning my arm with a lighter, so I may have misheard.

Least favorite quote: Every line of dialogue that didn’t come out of Conan O’Brien’s mouth.

Say a nice thing: Katie Savoy is very pretty.

Say a mean thing: David Carradine accidentally asphyxiated himself jerking off while wearing fishnets in a hotel closet in Bangkok. The Carradine family is still more embarrassed by Robert’s appearance in this film.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: You cannot train a Sharktopus, especially if there’s a fat, stupid Mexican yelling at it.

Most relatable current event: I only discovered doing this review that yet another Sharktopus movie had been made. I’m going to hate myself so much for watching it.

Final review: It really is shocking to see how little New Horizons’ cares about making a watchable film, even in relation to The Asylum. I mean, my god, it’s fucking horrible. I feel like Roger Corman is dead, and people are just assigning his name to things. If he isn’t dead, I certainly hope he dies soon, and in the most painful way an octogenarian can die. Why would he allow this to see the light of day? Sharktopus vs Pteracuda isn’t funny, interesting, clever, well-shot, well-acted, well-anything, and its dialogue raped my ears. It’s abominable.

Ranking:

1 bee

Apocalypse Pompeii

Title: Apocalypse Pompeii

Director: Ben Demaree

Writer: Steve Bevilacqua, Jacob Cooney, Bill Hanstock

Starring: Adrian Paul, Jhey Castles, Georgina Beedle

Year released: 2014

Their synopsis: “…Mt. Vesuvius erupts with massive force…[a] family fights to survive the deadly onslaught of heat and lava…”

My synopsis: A family that would never exist in real life vacations in Pompeii, has terrible timing.

Quick review: How do you say ‘bland’ in Italian?

Pros: After this film was over, I took an awesome nap.

Cons: A note for The Asylum: Hire better actors, or limit your actors’ emotional ranges.

Biggest movie cliché: Everything regarding the dad being former black ops.

Say a nice thing: That Pierce family sure is an attractive bunch.

Say a mean thing: What in god’s name is on your face, Gianni? It’s disgusting.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Can’t we predict these things now?

Most relatable current event: “Damn! Mount Vesuvius’s pyroclastic flow is R-A-W, R-A-W.” What Ice Cube would have said, were he there. (Cause NWA, get it?)

Final review: The paper-thin characters aren’t even remotely believable, and only exist for the purpose of this film. The daughter who fetishizes volcanoes has a super dad who did vaguely badass stuff in black ops. Sure, that’s relatable… This movie is an example of my least favorite kind of Asylum film. It’s not any good, but it doesn’t suck quite enough to be entertaining. Nothing of interest happens, so I can’t really pull anything from it. At least this snoozer had the decency to be atrocious.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Icetastrophe

Title: Icetastrophe (Also known as: Christmas Icetastrophe)

Director: Jonathan Winfrey

Writer: David Sanderson

Starring: Victor Webster, Jennifer Spence

Year released: 2014

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I like how they realized only in hindsight that calling the film Christmas Icetastrophe would limit its yearlong marketability.

Their synopsis: “This Christmas, a super frozen object is going to slam into the Earth. In the middle of a small town, and very quickly, dreams of a ‘White Christmas’ will turn into a FROZEN NIGHTMARE.”

My synopsis: I swear to god that is the official synopsis on CineTel Films’ website.

Quick review: Iceterrible. Icetragic. Icetarded. You get the idea…

Pros: Watching all these people be cold makes me want to go outside where it’s 85° and go swimming.

Cons: Worst mom names ever. Faye Ratchet and Krystal Crooge.

Biggest movie cliché: The heartless businessman who only cares about himself.

Favorite quote: This fat, bearded guy said, “Chill.” then got crushed by a large ice rock. Very Mr. Freeze-ish.

Say a nice thing: Marley Crooge is very attractive for someone named “Marley Crooge.”

Say a depressive thing: And once again, the person named Alex is left all alone…

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Nothing makes sense, but would you really expect it to? The name of the movie is Icetastrophe.

Most relatable current event: Haha, this is why you shouldn’t live up north.

Final review: First and foremost, CineTel Films is getting its own category. I mean, look at this shit. The one that really got me was Sharkansas: Women’s Prison Massacre. I cannot wait to hate/jerk off to that movie. Anyway, back to The Happening: Icicle Edition. The Day After Icemorrow. This film is relentlessly stupid. How and why people die is completely arbitrary, and scientific jargon is randomly thrown about with no conscious effort to be coherent. I’m not sure how this garbage compares to other CineTel Films productions, but I’m eager to find out.

Ranking:

2 bees

Sleeping Beauty

Title: Sleeping Beauty

Director: Casper Van Dien

Writer: R. Dessertine, Casper Van Dien

Starring: Finn Jones, Olivia d’Abo, Edward Lewis French

Year released: 2014

Their synopsis: “When a young prince and his trusted aide learn of a beautiful Princess’s cursed eternal slumber, they embark on a journey to rescue her. They must battle an evil queen and legions of undead monsters before she will be free.”

My synopsis: A group of (at the very least) bi-curious men go on a confusing, generally unnecessary quest.

Quick review: None of this made sense, or was interesting. At all.

Pros: Oh my god. Grace Van Dien, please.

Cons: I’ve never seen anyone less affected by the death of a sibling.

Biggest movie cliché: Rampant homosexual undertones.

Say a mean thing: Olivia d’Abo is fucking terrible in this.

Say a creepy thing: Which lips can I kiss on Princess Dawn to wake her up?

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Prince Jayson is looking for a princess? An actual, female princess? Haha, sure he is…

Most relatable current event: Go to your regular news site right now. Somewhere, there’s most likely a story about how you’re not getting enough, or the right kind of, sleep.

Final review: I did a fair bit of sleeping of my own during this movie. It’s lack of intelligible plot lulled me into a nice nap. I rewound, and tried a second time. Still got nothing. I suppose the film isn’t really all that bad, it’s just so incoherent. It’s also full of superfluous characters, a number of whom come back into the story arbitrarily, because sure, why not? The movie is just fucking everywhere. And goddamn you for the eventual sequel. If Grace Van Dien isn’t in it, there’s no way I’m watching. She’s a goddess.

Ranking:

2 bees

Age of Ice

Title: Age of Ice

Director: Emile Edwin Smith

Writer: Emile Edwin Smith

Starring: Barton Bund, Bailey Spry, Jules Hartley, Joe Cipriano

Year released: 2014

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Almost done with all 2014 Asylum releases.

Their synopsis: “Massive earthquakes open the Arabian tectonic plate, resulting in unstable weather and freezing temperatures…a vacationing family in Egypt must battle the rapidly cooling temperatures that usher in a new Ice Age…”

My synopsis: A guy with rage issues tries to save his family (the same family he most likely beats mercilessly) when a snowstorm hits what is clearly not the Middle East.

Quick review: Watched with a furrowed brow.

Pros: How fucking fun would it be to roll down a snow-covered Great Pyramid? Especially to do it, and miraculously not be covered in any snow whatsoever.

Cons: Visually, this movie is moronic. It’s moronic in several ways, to be sure, but its visuals really stand out as brainless.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Good thing that random Arab guy was driving a brand new (Toyota) production van so you could all fit. Also, did that fucking asshole really just throw everybody’s phones in the snow (Ruining them, obviously.) to act as some impossible-to-see-with-the-human-eye runway lights? That was so stupid.

Favorite quote: “It’s just like LAX on a Monday morning, right?” This may actually be a decent meta-joke about how embarrassingly bad the “Cairo” airport scene looks. Maybe…

Say a nice thing: I sort of enjoyed the foul-mouthed child.

Say a creepy thing: How young is Bailey Spry? Too young to say she looks delicious?

Biggest movie cliché: Suffice to say there are plenty.

Most relatable current event: Holy blue jesus has the upper northeast gotten a lot of snow.

Final review: One of the first things I did was look up where this movie was filmed, because it is most certainly not Egypt. Turns out it’s Detroit. This makes the depressive state I was in while watching the film quite apt. Zing!

Anyway, this is a weird movie. Story-wise it’s odd, as Emile Edwin Smith is constantly going out of his way to try and make the Jones family’s journey (to someplace…) more harrowing than is necessary. Every attempt fails miserably, however, because visually this is an unpleasant and unrealistic film. It’s edited very poorly, as well. It most resembles 500 MPH Storm, but is colder, somehow even dumber, and has slightly more Arabs.

Ranking:

2 bees

Ardennes Fury

Title: Ardennes Fury

Director: Joseph J. Lawson

Writer: Joseph J. Lawson, Stephen Llorens

Starring: Tom Stedham, Lauren Vera

Year released: 2014

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Another Joe Lawson joint, because he drunkenly stumbled across this blog one time is a big fan.

Their synopsis: “As the Battle of the Bulge rages on, an American tank unit gets trapped behind Nazi lines. With just hours before the bombs of Operation Ardennes Fury fall, the tank’s commander makes the risky decision to rescue an orphanage.”

My synopsis: Human men shoot guns, whilst CGI tanks shoot cannons. Repeat.

Quick review: 1990’s me would say it’s “a’ight.”

Pros: Cool (real) WWII footage and M1 Garands. Sister Claudette running in slow motion.

Cons: It was probably rude of me to start laughing when the nun stepped on that land mine. And god, Nazis are such dicks.

Biggest movie cliché: Some lady freaking out cause her kid died. Get a grip, crybaby!

Biggest suspension of disbelief: German tank 36 was clearly made of papier-mache, but the stupidest scene was when a bomb exploded ten feet from two guys, who then immediately got up and had a knife fight.

Say a nice thing: That Joseph J. Lawson sure is a nice, handsome fella. Go check out his Facebook. What a swell fella!

Say a mean thing: Why are you trying to save orphans? Nobody cares about orphans. That’s why they’re orphans.

Smallest suspension of disbelief: Men doing something dangerous for a gorgeous girl. Also, women being liars.

Most relatable current event: Fury is out on DVD. I really enjoyed that movie.

Final review: “Plodding” is the word I would use to best describe this movie. It’s put together well enough, but it’s not the most compelling thing you’ll ever watch. I wanted to give my new best friend a great score, especially on a film I was excited to see, but it’s an average movie, so it will get an average rating. No playing favorites here, Joe! I’ve never given a film set in a women’s prison where everyone is super horny a higher rating than it deserved.

And will no one let Joseph Lawson put subtitles in a film? Nazi privates should not be speaking English.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Ready 2 Die

Title: Ready 2 Die

Director: John Azpilicueta

Writer: John Azpilicueta, Ted Grau

Starring: Pablo (Hernandez) Santiago, Jacob Martinez, John Azpilicueta

Year released: 2014

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): An Asylum co-production, with something called JAGQA Productions.

Their synopsis: “After a violent bank robbery, a trio of hoods make their way across East L.A. carrying a blood-soaked bag of money. When word gets out, they must fend off gangs and crooked cops alike as they strive to [Ed. note: 2] keep the loot and stay alive.”

My synopsis: (“Hoods”? “Loot”? What old man wrote their synopsis?) A shockingly poor live-action adaptation of a GTA V heist mission.

Quick review: I love gangster movies. This is shit.

Pros: The Warriors. That’s a great film about gang members trying 2 get home. Watch that instead.

Cons: Sure, just throw an edit in there. Why not? It’s as good a place as any.

Biggest movie cliché: The hack nicknames, 2 of which they stole from Training Day. Psycho, Sniper, Lucky, and Smiley.

Best cameo: That Mexican guy from every movie talking about fucking fat girls. His real name is Noel? Never would have guessed.

Say a nice thing: That guy’s hot wife is apparently a porn star. That’s nice, right?

Say a racist thing: There are 2 many Mexicans coming in2 America and taking gang member positions away from black people.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Jesus christ, so goddamn many I’ll limit it 2 the first 15 minutes. 4 starters, that was clearly not a fucking bank you robbed. Also, turns out if you shoot and kill enough police officers, the cops decide 2 leave you alone 4 a bit. The car crash was complete nonsense. And how about the police car that was being driven from the passenger side?

Most relatable current event: In Obama’s State of the Union, he’ll probably talk about his immigration policy, and how there are 2 many Mexicans stabbing people. Or just 1 of those.

Final review: I guarantee that Azpilicueta and Grau think their screenplay is genius. They couldn’t be more wrong. They tried 2 do Reservoir Dogs and failed in every conceivable way. Why? Because they’re not smart, not funny, and certainly not talented. Azpilicueta even unnecessarily inserts himself as a shitty actor, just like Tarantino. Actually, it’s unfair 2 single him out as a shitty actor, because all of them are shitty. Astonishingly so. This is a terrible, unbelievable film.

Ranking:

1 bee

Blood Lake

Title: Blood Lake (Attack of the Killer Lampreys)

Director: James Cullen Bressack

Writer: Anna Rasmussen, Delondra Williams

Starring: Jason Brooks, Shannen Doherty, Zack Ward

Year released: 2014

Their synopsis: “After chomping through the fish population, thousands of starved lampreys begin attacking the citizens of a sleepy lake town, and the community scrambles to stay alive.”

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening, post-synopsis): Couldn’t you just stay out of the water?

My synopsis: Apparently, staying out of the water isn’t enough, as lampreys are all but indestructible, and masters of modern warfare.

Quick review: Started promisingly enough, but just became too goddamn stupid.

Pros: Ellen, the trampy homewrecker, and Nicole, the rebellious teenager, who would prefer people text her instead of leaving voicemails. Good girl.

Cons: Lampreys are gross. The movie is astoundingly dumb.

Biggest movie cliché: A black guy’s the first person to die.

Say a nice thing: Zack Ward is a fine actor.

Say a mean thing: I wanted Kyle to die. Sidenote: his real name is Koosha Yar. No wonder nobody likes him. He has arguably the shittiest name ever. His parents should be shot.

Vulgar, unnecessary spoiler: The mayor died when a large lamprey ate its way through his asshole.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Lampreys comprehending the English language.

Say another mean thing: Father Time kicked the everloving shit out of Shannen Doherty.

Say yet another mean thing: Christopher Lloyd’s face looks like the riverbeds on Mars.

Final review: Lampreys are disgusting bloodsuckers, and can grow over three feet in length. Therefore, a small, touristy lake town being overrun by them doesn’t sound like a bad premise for a B horror film. However, since this is an Asylum movie, lamprey eels can also crawl across deserts and fly and have complex battle strategies and read poetry and perfectly season cajun food. Everything was going so well in the beginning, I actually thought it might turn out okay. But holy jesus and christ is this a monumentally idiotic film. Not to mention anticlimactic.

Ranking:

2 bees

Mercenaries

Title: Mercenaries

Director: Christopher (Douglas-Olen) Ray

Writer: Edward DeRuiter

Starring: Zoё Bell, Kristanna Loken, Vivica A. Fox, Nicole Bilderback

Year released: 2014

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): How is this popular on Netflix?

Their synopsis: “A diplomatic official is captured and imprisoned while touring a war zone, so a team of elite female commandoes is assembled to infiltrate a women’s prison for a daring rescue.”

My synopsis: Female prisoners of rapidly descending attractiveness attempt to save the president’s daughter from a shitty, not-at-all believable villain.

Quick review: Women are just as something something as men. Wasn’t paying that much attention, was busy hoping Kat would start an orgy with all the teenage prostitutes.

Pros: The first thing I’ve seen Kristanna Loken in since Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines. (Haha, I know. I forgot about that movie too.) This is good news because Kristanna Loken is really hot. Also, Lexi is a yummy little scamp. And I don’t even like Russian girls.

Cons: Was the comic book thing necessary, or just a cheap cop-out to make editing easier?

Biggest movie cliché: The foreign bad guy uses the phrase, “You Americans…”

MFK: Marry Kat. Fuck Mei-Lin. Kill Raven and Cassandra.

Say a nice thing: Zoё Bell was great in Death Proof.

Say a mean thing: Zoё Bell has aged terribly since Death Proof.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Worst. Minigun. Ever.

Most relatable current event: What are Sasha and Malia up to? Totally unrelated, how old is Malia now? Asking for a friend…

Final review: First of all, everything about the Kazakh terrorists is wrong. Fucking everything. 1) They’re white! For fuck sake!! 2) They’re led by a woman! This is PC bullshit and it’s fucking enraging. That asininity aside, the movie becomes watchable after the first act. Decently acted with a predictable story. The action scenes, however, are nonsensical and awful. If you’re trying to make an action movie, and the action scenes are the worst part, you’re probably doing something wrong. In addition, Mercenaries is supposed to (on some level) serve as a feminist film, but it was clearly written by a man who doesn’t know anything about feminism. Not that I care, really, but the glaringly poor effort did annoy me. On the plus side, it would be funny to watch a hardcore feminist get frustrated with the paper-thin female characters sassing their way about Kazakhstan.

Ranking:

2.5 bees