Martian Land

Title: Martian Land

Director: Scott Wheeler

Writer: Jeremy M. Inman

Starring: Alan Polack-name, Jennifer Dorogi, Lane Townsend

Year released: 2015

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I’m annoyed that I can’t find any new Asylum films to review on Netflix. Also, The Martian is excellent. (Finally, Ridley Scott!)

Their synopsis: “In the distant future, mankind lives on Mars…When a massive sandstorm breaks through the dome and destroys Mars New York, those in Mars Los Angeles must figure out how to stop the storm before it wipes them out next.”

My synopsis: A big ass storm threatens to destroy our new Martian civilization. This ridiculous, yet fun idea is thoroughly trampled by inept filmmaking.

Quick review: Jesus fucking christ on a cross this is horrible.

Pros: Mars is cool. Literally!

Cons: Mars New York (MNY) and Mars Los Angeles (MLA). How fucking uninspired.

Biggest movie cliché: Love triangles are so distracting.

Least favorite quote: “Blah blah, stealing Matt Damon’s line from The Martian’s trailer, blah.”

Say a nice thing: The cute, understated lesbian couple should have been given more screen time. They weren’t abysmal.

Say a mean thing: Dionne Neish’s accent in this is fucking enraging. Does she really talk like that?

Ruin a nice thing that you said: Of course Mars is wet! Ellie and Ida are out there sloshin’ around in each other’s boxes!

Biggest suspension of disbelief: They stole from Armageddon! Are you fucking serious?! They actively stole from Armageddon! Michael Bay’s Armageddon!! Goddammit!!

Most relatable current event: Unlike this pulseless movie, Mars may have supported life.

Final review: I was not having a great day when I decided to review this film, and motherfucking jesus christ did it get worse. When I reviewed AVH, released in 2007, I wrote that The Asylum has “certainly gotten better over the years in terms of production value and special effects.” This film is a regression. It feels like an early Asylum production. All parts of it are equally horrendous. The costumes are as bad as the settings, which are as bad as the dialogue, acting, plot, editing, effects, etc. The whole movie just happens. It’s forgettable and pointless. And let us not forget that of all the films involving space, these assholes chose to rip off Armageddon. Just embarrassing.

Ranking:

1.5 bees

Megafault

Title: Megafault

Director: David Michael Latt

Writer: Paul Bales

Starring: Brittany Murphy, Eriq La Salle

Year released: 2009

Their synopsis: “A seismologist and a miner must stop a massive earthquake that threatens to tear the world in half.”

My synopsis: “Scientists” try to stop an earthquake by creating another earthquake. Unsurprisingly, this plan backfires.

Quick review: Premise is a bit……shaky. And it’s dull.

Pros: Brittany Murphy was so cute. Why can’t only ugly people die early?

Cons: Why in christ’s name would you leave your kid alone with a trucker? Dan Lane is a terrible father, with a boring name.

Biggest movie cliché: Just outracing an earthquake. Stopping to rubberneck amidst running for your life.

Say a mean thing: Had I recently watched myself in this horseshit, I would have taken a bunch of pills too.

Say a racist thing: Brittany Murphy is a coal-burning race traitor.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Not one human being of importance would be slightly upset if Lexington, Kentucky sank into the earth.

Most relatable current event: #BlackLivesMatter, just not as much as #WhiteLives do, apparently.

Final review: The majority of Megafault takes place in the American Midwest, which is really a perfect representation of this film. Large stretches of nothingness, with mildly interesting stops along the way. And it’s about family. Specifically, white families. It is a foregone conclusion that Brittany Murphy’s underdeveloped character (one of many) and her family will be happily reunited at the end of the movie, so there are no stakes during the tedious, repetitive action sequences. Overall, it’s the kind of Asylum film you’ve seen a hundred times before. Unless, unlike me, you have anything better to do with your time.

Ranking:

2 bees

Stonados

Title: Stonados

Director: Jason Bourque

Writer: Rafael Jordan

Starring: Paul Johansson, Sebastian Spence, Miranda Frigon

Year released: 2013

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I tried to review this awhile ago, watched the first nine minutes, then said, “Nah, fuck this.” Let’s try again.

Their synopsis: “All hail breaks loose when tornadoes hurl large stones over Boston.”

My synopsis: A cute cop, an egocentric weatherman, and an absentee teacher drive around greater Boston warning people of a ridiculous weather phenomenon.

Quick review: The telegraphed action sequences are beyond dreadful, but the rest is surprisingly decent.

Pros: That old bag o’ bones really likes to say “damn.”

Cons: Shouldn’t that teacher (and his kids) be in class? Also, the “scientific” explain of the stonados was horseshit.

Biggest movie cliché: We’ll limit it to the godawful action clichés once our heroes were in the Metro News van. Or the news station being called something as generic as “Metro News.”

Ask a mean question: Is Jessica McLeod going bald, or does she just have a gigantic forehead?

Say a nice thing: Boston is an absolutely lovely city…

Say a mean thing: …full of racist imbeciles with cacophonous accents.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: The most unrealistic game of basketball between two black guys ever put on film.

Most relatable current event: I didn’t know England had tornadoes.

Final review: Well, maybe decent is too strong a word. The story is decidedly average, but it’s almost believable. The characters are also as superficial as can be humanly written, but they’re not woefully acted. (The single father has trouble dealing with his teenage daughter? Aw, man! That’s tough, you guys!) Ultimately, what’s mostly shitty about this movie is that it’s an action film, with some of the worst action scenes imaginable. Not ideal. If you’re not going to spend any time on the plot, at least make sure some aspect of the film is entertaining. There is more than a hint of Twister in this movie, as well. Inadvisable.

Ranking:

2 bees

Icetastrophe

Title: Icetastrophe (Also known as: Christmas Icetastrophe)

Director: Jonathan Winfrey

Writer: David Sanderson

Starring: Victor Webster, Jennifer Spence

Year released: 2014

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I like how they realized only in hindsight that calling the film Christmas Icetastrophe would limit its yearlong marketability.

Their synopsis: “This Christmas, a super frozen object is going to slam into the Earth. In the middle of a small town, and very quickly, dreams of a ‘White Christmas’ will turn into a FROZEN NIGHTMARE.”

My synopsis: I swear to god that is the official synopsis on CineTel Films’ website.

Quick review: Iceterrible. Icetragic. Icetarded. You get the idea…

Pros: Watching all these people be cold makes me want to go outside where it’s 85° and go swimming.

Cons: Worst mom names ever. Faye Ratchet and Krystal Crooge.

Biggest movie cliché: The heartless businessman who only cares about himself.

Favorite quote: This fat, bearded guy said, “Chill.” then got crushed by a large ice rock. Very Mr. Freeze-ish.

Say a nice thing: Marley Crooge is very attractive for someone named “Marley Crooge.”

Say a depressive thing: And once again, the person named Alex is left all alone…

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Nothing makes sense, but would you really expect it to? The name of the movie is Icetastrophe.

Most relatable current event: Haha, this is why you shouldn’t live up north.

Final review: First and foremost, CineTel Films is getting its own category. I mean, look at this shit. The one that really got me was Sharkansas: Women’s Prison Massacre. I cannot wait to hate/jerk off to that movie. Anyway, back to The Happening: Icicle Edition. The Day After Icemorrow. This film is relentlessly stupid. How and why people die is completely arbitrary, and scientific jargon is randomly thrown about with no conscious effort to be coherent. I’m not sure how this garbage compares to other CineTel Films productions, but I’m eager to find out.

Ranking:

2 bees

500 MPH Storm

Title: 500 MPH Storm

Director: Daniel Lusko

Writer: K. Lee, Hank Woon Jr.

Starring: Casper Van Dien, Sarah Lieving, Michael Beach

Year released: 2013

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I remember this from a few months back. Even seven-year-olds are dubious of The Asylum’s filmic claims.

Their synopsis: “A massive hurricane sweeps cities into the stratosphere and tears a hole in the ozone. Will this be the end for all life on earth?”

My synopsis: Apparently, only one family in the entire United States realizes the world is about to end. They can’t really figure out what to do, so they move around a lot.

Quick review: The “hurricane” didn’t tear the hole in the ozone layer. It was the reactor, which then created a hypercane. Whoever wrote the synopsis does not give one solitary fuck about this movie. Nor should he.

Pros: No jesusy angle like previous bad weather movies I’ve seen.

Cons: Often reminded me of The Happening. I hated the stupid son.

Procon: Sarah Lieving is gorgeous, but she can’t act worth a damn.

Biggest movie cliché: Storms consciously trying to kill the film’s lead actors.

Say a nice thing: The hot air balloon festival looked fun, and it even featured the bee balloons seen at the bottom of this review. Synergy!

Say a mean thing: Instead of leaving his wife and kid to go stop the hypercane, he should’ve left his kid in a ditch, and had lots of sex with his wife.

White people be like: “Oh my gosh, I just have to check out this killer storm!”

Black people be like: “Fuck the reactor, nigga, I’ma blow this bitch up!”

Final review: 500 MPH Storm is in a perpetual, and purposeful, state of chaos. You’re supposed to feel panicked and overwhelmed, just like its characters. Unfortunately, I didn’t buy it. For a number of reasons. The escapes are too neat. Some scenes are too open-ended, losing the sense of urgency and/or claustrophobia. And sometimes the weather just seems too gosh darn nice to be feeling apprehensive. (The acting is pretty lousy, too.) Nothing about the plot really makes any sense, but I didn’t find the movie boring. There’s something to be said for that.

Ranking:

2 bees

Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus

Title: Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus

Director: Christopher (Douglas-Olen) Ray

Writer: Micho Rutare, Naomi L. Selfman

Starring: Jaleel White, Gary Stretch, Sarah Lieving

Year released: 2010

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): This is the (first) sequel to the critically lauded and runaway smash hit, Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus. Ace Hannah/Jack Perez is not involved, however, and I am nervous.

Their synopsis: “With the prehistoric Crocosaurus on a collision course with a Mega Shark, the world’s top scientists explore every option to halt the aquatic clash.”

My synopsis: Hold on, “a Mega Shark”? The movie specifically states it’s the same one. Regardless, Mega Shark loves to eat Crocosaurus eggs, which does not go over well with Mother Croc. The US government, working alone apparently, tries to kill them both.

Quick review: It was too normal for a movie about multiple 1,000-foot-long prehistoric monsters.

Pros: I never realized how smoochable Sarah Lieving’s lips are. Very sexy.

Cons: The fight scenes between Mega Shark and Crocosaurus were poorly choreographed, and it was cringeworthy when they tried to make Urkel and the other guy look like action heroes.

How it relates to the original film: If Mega Shark survived, what happened to Giant Octopus? Did Mega Shark win? I wouldn’t doubt it, as Mega Shark is a bridge-eating, plane-attacking, badass motherfucker, but I would still like some clarification. Giant Octopus deserved better than to just be written out entirely.

Biggest movie cliché: I was taken aback when the plan that everybody said wouldn’t work, totally worked at the end! Never saw it coming.

Say a nice thing: During the Panama Canal scene, for at least a second or two, I thought, “This is pretty cool.”

Say a mean thing: The movie ends with a croc/crock pun. An ending of child rape would’ve elicited more laughs.

Least favorite non-quote: “Did I do thaaat?” Jaleel White didn’t say this one time.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Again, I have to call into question how large this Mega Shark really is. In his opening sequence, Mega Shark goes from 100 feet long, to about 4,000 feet long, then back again.

Most relatable current event: Big ass crocodile.

Final review:  I didn’t hate the egg story line, which I saw as an attempt to differentiate itself from the original. However, the core cast of characters is not as strong as the previous film, nor are their interpersonal relationships. The action isn’t as distinct, and the subtle winks are absent. I absolutely hated the constant and arbitrary cutaways to nameless characters. It’s like they promised too many people a line in the movie and had to squeeze them in somehow. It’s interesting enough on its own and the tempo is fine, but it ultimately falls directly into the sequel trap. My expectations were very low, and though it was better than I anticipated, that’s mostly just because I figured it’d be complete and utter shit.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

 

Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus

Title: Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus

Director: Ace Hannah aka Jack Perez

Writer: Ace Hannah aka Jack Perez

Starring: Deborah Gibson, Vic Chao, Sean Lawlor

Year released: 2009

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): This may be my favorite B movie ever. It pains me having to objectionably critique it.

Their synopsis: “..In the melting Arctic, two prehistoric sea creatures have been unleashed from their tombs of ice…they terrorize the ocean with an appetite for destruction that engulfs anything in their path…”

My synopsis: Badass monsters wreckin’ shit. Debbie Gibson still lookin’ good.

Quick review: Entertaining and purposely stupid. You can’t ask for much more in a B movie.

Pros: This. This. This. And later, this. The action scenes in this film will live on forever.

Cons: The missile launch sequence about halfway in? I’ve seen it in other movies. That’s lazy.

Biggest movie cliché: Obstinate naval commanders.

Favorite quote: “Pheromones.”

Say a nice thing: Lorenzo Lamas plays a casually racist asshole. It’s a genuinely funny and awesome character.

Say a racist thing: Deborah Gibson’s character has sex with Vic Chao’s character. It’s gross. Miscegenation is an abomination and a sin.

Best cameo: The guy I thought was Nice Guy Eddie from Reservoir Dogs.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: The size of both the shark and octopus changes based on what the film wants them to destroy.

Most relatable current event: The disappearance of Malaysian Airlines Flight 730. Perhaps caused by Mega Shark or Giant Octopus? We can only speculate…

Final review: One of the reasons I like this movie, is that it has some level of self-awareness. It understands that what’s going is silly. The action scenes clearly reflect this, but the script does as well, albeit more subtly. It does right what Mega Piranha does wrong. For instance, the act of doing science in this film is staring intently at different colors of liquid, occasionally mixing and/or shaking them, then reacting. It looks ridiculous at first, but it’s calculated foolishness, meant for comic effect. Some would say I’m giving the movie more credit than it deserves, but I’ve seen enough of these to know the difference.

Even under scrutiny, this is a fun movie, that’s also pretty well done. Still my favorite.

Ranking:

3.5 bees

30,000 Leagues Under the Sea

Title: 30,000 Leagues Under the Sea

Director: Gabriel Bologna (Hahaha!)

Writer: Eric Forsberg

Starring: Lorenzo Lamas, Natalie Stone, Sean Lawlor, Kim Little

Year released: 2007

Their synopsis: “When a submarine mysteriously disappears in the depths of the ocean, a rescue crew comes face to face with Captain Nemo, Jules Verne’s famous villain of the underworld…”

My synopsis: A bunch of nerds attempt to save some loser submarine; pass up the opportunity to live on an underwater BangBoat and resurrect Atlantis.

Quick review: I’m not entirely sure why, but I liked this film. Maybe I’ve been watching too many really shitty movies lately, and it’s just not quite as shitty as those.

Pros: Beer? Submarine dance clubs? Thirsty tattooed chicks? The Nautilus seems like paradise. Not sure why everyone was in such a hurry to leave.

Cons: Wikipedia told me Kerry Washington was in this movie. Wikipedia is a goddamn liar.

Cut a wrestling promo: “I am the Oxygenator! I’m gonna leave you colorless and breathless, brother! I’m gonna beat you eight ways from Sunday! Your atomic number is up! You’re going down, O yeah!”

Say a nice thing: There’s something about Natalie Stone I really like. She and I should get married.

Say a mean thing: Fuck yeah! Ten thousand leagues deeper than that faggy Jules Verne! Fuck you, you pussy!

Biggest suspension of disbelief: They were pretty flexible with the idea of atmospheric pressure in this film. Also, missiles appear to be merely a nuisance rather than powerful exploding bombs.

Most relatable current event: This nerdlinger.

Final review: I can’t tell whether the last 30 minutes is poorly written, poorly edited, or both. Either way, it didn’t make a whole lot of sense. The rest of it was pretty enjoyable though. Submarine captains shouting orders, a crazy scientist who wants to blow up the world and live underwater, Lorenzo Lamas just chillin’ it in a bubble. Fun stuff. Wish I was there.

Ranking:

3 bees

2012: Doomsday

Title: 2012: Doomsday

Director: Nick Everhart

Writer: Nick Everhart, Naomi L. Selfman

Starring: people

Year released: 2008

Their synopsis: “In the days leading up to December 21, 2012, four strangers are mysteriously drawn to an ancient temple in the Mexican jungle.”

My synopsis: People in multiple cities across North America combat the impending apocalypse with varying levels of jesusiness.

Quick review: A jesusy version of that dumb Roland Emmerich film, with some Close Encounters of the Third Kind thievery thrown in for good measure.

Pros: Leafcutter ants. I wish this whole movie was 90 minutes of leafcutter ants.

Cons: Six minutes in and there was already a goddamn crucifix. I knew it was gonna be rough.

Biggest movie cliché: The EMT has lost her faith in god, but I’m willing to bet she’ll find it again by the end of the film. (Spoiler alert: she did.)

Say a nice thing: I wouldn’t want a few of the actors to fall down an elevator shaft.

Say a mean thing: I wish an actual “Doomsday” would have happened in the middle of this shitty film so I didn’t have to finish it.

Say a meaner thing: I want that fucking old bitch to die.

Say a racist thing: The Mayans are a stupid race of people.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Do I have to say it again? There’s no god. It’s 2014. Can we all stop pretending? Please?

Most relatable current event: That movie about sexy jesus.

Final review: Fuck this movie, god, and jesus. Seriously, this movie made me so angry. It’s The Apocalypse with a different cast. It’s garbage. A series of ham-handed, preachy conversations about how awesome god is, and if you don’t believe it then there’s something wrong with you. Whether you believe in god or not, this movie will insult your intelligence and make you want to kick jesus right in the cunt.

Ranking:

0 bees

The Apocalypse

Title: The Apocalypse

Director: Justin Jones

Writer: Carlos De Los Rios, David Michael Latt

Starring: Rhett Giles, Jill Stapley

Year released: 2007

Their synopsis: “A mother and father search for their only child as a giant asteroid headed for Earth triggers a series of apocalyptic events.”

My synopsis: Too many people blathering on about an imaginary sky monster, not enough shit blowing up.

Quick review (of the first 2.5 minutes): A minute and a half in, a guy gets hit in the chest with a meteor. Thirty seconds later, another guy gets decapitated. So far it’s awesome. Fifteen seconds later, the worst fake fall in cinema history leads to a guy being vaporized on a meteor. It’s just a rock. It doesn’t make any sense at all. Totally ruined the opening.

Pros: The 8-year-old girl was the best actor in the film. If she runs away from Faith Films and The Asylum as fast as she can, she’ll do alright.

Cons: Really shitty lighting in this movie.

Biggest movie cliché: Pretending heaven is real.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Everyone in this movie believes in god, but that’s ridiculous because we all know god doesn’t exist. It being a goddy film also explains why they got so much science wrong.

And another thing, I hate when people are supposed to be brushing their teeth in films/commercials/whatever, but aren’t doing anything except scraping a dry brush atop their molars. It’s almost as silly as believing in god.

Say a nice thing: At one point, a road that’s supposed to be a highway has a sign that says “Speed Limit 15” and that was really funny. I also laughed every time the main character accidentally slipped into his Australian accent.

Say a what-most-would-consider-mean thing: Even if there was a god, I wouldn’t worship it. Cause seriously, fuck god.

Favorite cameo: Shaley Scott made an appearance! She wasn’t nearly as entertaining.

Least favorite cameo: Erica Roby. Booooo.

Most relatable current event: This photo.

Final review: As much god nonsense as there was in this, which annoys me to no end, I’d rather watch this with a congregation of nosy born-agains than watch Monster one more time.

Ranking:

.5 bee