Title: 2012: Doomsday
Director: Nick Everhart
Writer: Nick Everhart, Naomi L. Selfman
Starring: people
Year released: 2008
Their synopsis: “In the days leading up to December 21, 2012, four strangers are mysteriously drawn to an ancient temple in the Mexican jungle.”
My synopsis: People in multiple cities across North America combat the impending apocalypse with varying levels of jesusiness.
Quick review: A jesusy version of that dumb Roland Emmerich film, with some Close Encounters of the Third Kind thievery thrown in for good measure.
Pros: Leafcutter ants. I wish this whole movie was 90 minutes of leafcutter ants.
Cons: Six minutes in and there was already a goddamn crucifix. I knew it was gonna be rough.
Biggest movie cliché: The EMT has lost her faith in god, but I’m willing to bet she’ll find it again by the end of the film. (Spoiler alert: she did.)
Say a nice thing: I wouldn’t want a few of the actors to fall down an elevator shaft.
Say a mean thing: I wish an actual “Doomsday” would have happened in the middle of this shitty film so I didn’t have to finish it.
Say a meaner thing: I want that fucking old bitch to die.
Say a racist thing: The Mayans are a stupid race of people.
Biggest suspension of disbelief: Do I have to say it again? There’s no god. It’s 2014. Can we all stop pretending? Please?
Most relatable current event: That movie about sexy jesus.
Final review: Fuck this movie, god, and jesus. Seriously, this movie made me so angry. It’s The Apocalypse with a different cast. It’s garbage. A series of ham-handed, preachy conversations about how awesome god is, and if you don’t believe it then there’s something wrong with you. Whether you believe in god or not, this movie will insult your intelligence and make you want to kick jesus right in the cunt.
Ranking:
0 bees
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