Journey to the Center of the Earth

Title: Journey to the Center of the Earth

Director: Scott Wheeler, Davey Jones

Writer: Scott Wheeler, Davey Jones, Scott Bevilacqua

Starring: Jennifer (Renee) Dorogi, Greg Evigan, Dedee Pfeiffer

Year released: 2008

Their synopsis: “A research team becomes lost within the Earth and must escape the beautiful -and potentially deadly- world before them.”

My synopsis: For unexplained reasons, a group of female soldiers is being teleported to Germany. They get stuck 600 kilometers underground, and a laser-digging ship called the “Deep Digger” is sent to rescue them. (I’m serious, that’s the plot.)

Quick review: Another Jules Verne adaptation from The Asylum. While the story may stray further from the source material than the other film, it was still engaging and well done.

Pros: Pretty gals in tank tops. Dinosaurs.

Cons: The sound mixing is horrible. One second it’s way too loud, the next you can’t hear the dialogue.

Biggest movie cliché: Guess what dinosaur meat tastes like? … Yep. Chicken. Also, the ex-husband and wife got back together at the end of the movie.

Say a nice thing: The spiders exploding out of the stomach of that girl at the end was a nice touch.

Say a piggish thing: There’s not a slit in this film I wouldn’t dump my cum into.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Somehow, no one at Asylum managed to squeeze a dragon into this movie. That’s pretty unbelievable. They did, however, put in their second favorite mythical creature: a giant spider.

Final review: Pretty enjoyable film if you don’t stop and ask yourself too many questions. “Wait, how’d they fix the ship?” “Wait, how’d she get away? That plot point wasn’t resolved.” This is the B movie world. Things happen, and the story moves on. Sometimes it’s infuriating and nonsensical, sometimes it works. Journey to the Center of the Earth made it work.

Ranking:

3 bees

2012: Doomsday

Title: 2012: Doomsday

Director: Nick Everhart

Writer: Nick Everhart, Naomi L. Selfman

Starring: people

Year released: 2008

Their synopsis: “In the days leading up to December 21, 2012, four strangers are mysteriously drawn to an ancient temple in the Mexican jungle.”

My synopsis: People in multiple cities across North America combat the impending apocalypse with varying levels of jesusiness.

Quick review: A jesusy version of that dumb Roland Emmerich film, with some Close Encounters of the Third Kind thievery thrown in for good measure.

Pros: Leafcutter ants. I wish this whole movie was 90 minutes of leafcutter ants.

Cons: Six minutes in and there was already a goddamn crucifix. I knew it was gonna be rough.

Biggest movie cliché: The EMT has lost her faith in god, but I’m willing to bet she’ll find it again by the end of the film. (Spoiler alert: she did.)

Say a nice thing: I wouldn’t want a few of the actors to fall down an elevator shaft.

Say a mean thing: I wish an actual “Doomsday” would have happened in the middle of this shitty film so I didn’t have to finish it.

Say a meaner thing: I want that fucking old bitch to die.

Say a racist thing: The Mayans are a stupid race of people.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Do I have to say it again? There’s no god. It’s 2014. Can we all stop pretending? Please?

Most relatable current event: That movie about sexy jesus.

Final review: Fuck this movie, god, and jesus. Seriously, this movie made me so angry. It’s The Apocalypse with a different cast. It’s garbage. A series of ham-handed, preachy conversations about how awesome god is, and if you don’t believe it then there’s something wrong with you. Whether you believe in god or not, this movie will insult your intelligence and make you want to kick jesus right in the cunt.

Ranking:

0 bees

The Day the Earth Stopped

Title: The Day the Earth Stopped

Director: C. Thomas Howell

Writer: Carey Van Dyke, Shane Van Dyke, Darren Dalton

Starring: C. Thomas Howell, Sinead McCafferty, Darren Dalton

Year released: 2008

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): The Asylum done good on its remake of at least one 50’s sci-fi masterpiece, let’s see how they do with this one.

Their synopsis: “Hundreds of intergalactic robots appear in the world’s major cities with an ultimatum: prove the value of human civilization or be destroyed.”

My synopsis: An average Joe must lead a super hot alien around Los Angeles, trying to show her the value of human life, while simultaneously pretending he doesn’t want to fuck her stupid.

Quick review: Sporadically true to The Day the Earth Stood Still theme-wise and plot-wise, albeit with less talk of Communists.

Pros: Less than three minutes in, and Sinead McCafferty (‘Sky’ the alien) is already naked. Later, she runs in white pajamas. Oh, and the story was pretty good, too.

Cons: The aliens’ home planet is for shit. Waterfalls, flowers, and clouds? Who cares? Where’s the fuckin’ skee-ball? Also, I missed Gort. What a great/shitty robot Gort was.

Biggest movie cliché: Childbirth being much less difficult than in reality.

Say a nice thing: The baby was cute, but it was at least six months old. Nobody trusts The Asylum with an actual newborn?

Say a mean thing: I saw the wireless mic when I was looking at your ass, you bimbo.

Say a creepy thing: If Sky would’ve read my mind, she would not have hesitated in blowing up the Earth.

Best cameo: Judd Nelson (of all people).

Favorite quote: “Prove that human life has value? How the hell we supposed to do that? Take her to see the goddamn Lion King?” It’s a funny quote, but wouldn’t that only prove lions, not humans, have value?

Biggest suspension of disbelief: She’s the hottest alien since Leeloo “Multipass” Dallas, yet the closest this film gets to acknowledging C. Thomas Howell wants to fuck her is when she reads his mind and says “Who’s Angelina Jolie?” Every four seconds Sky should’ve said, “I get it! You want to eat my ass! Could you please just show me humans are worth a damn so I don’t have to blow up your planet?!”

Most relatable current event: Katy Perry talking about aliens, I suppose.

Final review: I could’ve done without the final montage, explaining the duality of human nature via the events of the film. I was paying attention. There’s no need to remind me of something that happened five minutes ago. It was well-written (minus the speech at the end) and mostly well-acted. Nothing particularly special about the movie, but it was enjoyable. Score another one for C. Thomas Howell.

Ranking:

3 bees

Merlin and the War of the Dragons

Title: Merlin and the War of the Dragons

Director: Mark Atkins

Writer: Jonathan Macy

Starring: Simon Lloyd-Roberts, Joseph Stacey, Jurgen Prochnow

Year released: 2008

Their synopsis: “An exceptional wizard goes head to head with the evil Hengest.”

My synopsis: Wait… Hengest wasn’t even the main bad guy. He was in the movie for five minutes. Their synopsis doesn’t make any sense.

Quick review: I fell asleep the first time through. Upon second viewing, I stopped it to go get some food. The movie really doesn’t hold your interest, that’s what I’m getting at here.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: For 5th century England, there seemed to be a lot of advanced dentistry and American accents.

Pros: There’s a guy in the movie who looks like Karl Pilkington.

Cons: The editing. Dear holy christ, the editing… And what a lackluster motivational speech toward the end.

Biggest movie cliché: All manner of secrets are spoken about cryptically. Just tell him what Lady Viviane is up to. Is she good or bad? That’s all you have to say.

Favorite quote: “We will not go down without a fight!” Stuntman Dylan Jones, as Uther, paraphrasing the great President Thomas J. Whitmore, in trying to inspire his men to battle.

Say a nice thing: Dylan Jones is good at spinning in circles on a horse.

Say a mean thing: Actress Nia Ann features some of her scenes in this film in her showreel. That’s like Winnie Mandela showing necklacing videos while campaigning for the ANC.

Say a literal thing: Dragons aren’t real, nor is magic.

Most relatable current event: The wizardry of Criss Angel and his Shaq balloon.

Final review: I don’t know why this movie even had dragons. The war wasn’t over/about dragons, they had nothing to do with the overall plot of the film, and every scene they were in was just confusing. My suggestion would be to take out the dragons and remake the movie. Merlin and the War of the Secret Magical Book of Wizard Spells. (Spoiler alert: That movie will also suck.)

Ranking:

2 bees

Postscript: I just realized something; Mark Atkins is obsessed with dragons. That’s why they were in the movie, despite having no relation to anything that was happening. Maybe it’s a sexual thing…

Allan Quatermain and the Temple of Skulls

Title: Allan Quatermain and the Temple of Skulls

Director: Mark Atkins

Writer: David Michael Latt, Matthew Thornbury (not H. Rider Haggard)

Starring: Sean Cameron Michael, Natalie Stone, Daniel Bonjour

Year released: 2008

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Seriously, the title is amazing. How is this anything other than a godawful rip-off of Indiana Jones? So excited!

Their synopsis: “Allan Quatermain leads Lady Anna and Henry Curtis across dangerous terrain in pursuit of the world’s greatest treasure.”

My synopsis: Man with worst name ever leads English Princess Vespa and a closeted homosexual man across many grassy areas in pursuit of the world’s least successful hybrid of Lord of the Rings and Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Quick review: Not what I thought it was going to be; not all that good, either.

Pros: The B-roll footage of African wildlife, although it was probably stolen from the Discovery Channel. Tits.

Cons: I’ve never seen a less exciting train action sequence take place on such a slowly moving, tiny train. The South African tribal village sequence started out so promising, yet devolved into inane, quasi-racist madness (with zero quality control).

Biggest movie cliché: That map to secret treasure everybody thinks is bullshit? Turns out it isn’t bullshit after all!

Say a nice thing: I guess the claw thing that decapitated people was interesting. (It wasn’t, I just don’t know what else to say.)

Say a mean thing: Why were there doves in the cave? That’s stupid. You weren’t even fucking trying. Also, it took me a week to finish the last 25 minutes of the film. That’s how much I gave a shit.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: This tribesman kills a guy on a horse with a spear from approximately 400 yards away. Later, he misses another dude from 7 feet.

Most relatable current event: Ross Kemp, formerly of the SAS (Super Army Soldiers), teaching tribesmen what’s what.

Final review: Turns out, Allan Quatermain is a real thing. Knowing nothing about it, I’m forced to base my review of the movie entirely on the movie itself. And that’s not good. The phrase ‘by the book’ comes to mind. Or ‘paint by numbers.’ Blah of a film if I’ve ever seen one.

Ranking:

2 bees

War of the Worlds 2: The Next Wave

Title: War of the Worlds 2: The Next Wave

Director: C. Thomas Howell

Writer: Eric Forsberg, David Michael Latt

Starring: C. Thomas Howell, Christopher Reid, Fred Griffith

Year released: 2008

Their synopsis: “When the aliens return to complete their plan of human domination, mankind unites in one last stand.”

My synopsis: Three years after a pretty enjoyable movie was made, some assholes decided to piss all over it.

Quick review: This movie would’ve benefitted from being a silent film, provided the actors knew what facial expressions were.

Pros: Space talk and synthetic moonshine.

Cons: Not sure they could’ve stolen more from Independence Day if they tried.

Biggest movie cliché: The wisecracking black sidekick, played ever so racistly bug-eyed by Christopher Reid. (“Kid” from from Kid ‘n Play. No, I’m not lying.)

Say a nice thing: I enjoyed the wormhole sequence.

Say a mean thing: I don’t know if Kim Little was doing some sort of accent, or if that was her actual voice, but either way I would like to scratch out her larynx with my fingernails.

How it relates to the original film: 1) A few plot points, especially regarding how the aliens were not prepared for human diseases. 2) In both movies you’re rooting for the children to die. 3) Questionable endings.

How it doesn’t relate to the original film: 1) The original film has worth.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: The movie seems to think Mars is in another galaxy, as opposed to our own solar system, relatively near Earth.

Most relatable current event: Curiosity, NASA’s Mars rover. (Yes, I know you forgot about it.)

Final review: Granted, it was a completely unnecessary movie to make, but if not for the maddeningly appalling performances given by Kim Little and Christopher Reid, I don’t think I would’ve hated it as much as I did. Had they camped it up a bit, it would’ve been a decent bad film.

Ranking:

2 bees

Research Note: Apparently, this is not a sequel to the Spielberg/Cruise version, but to another Asylum film called H.G. Wells’ War of the Worlds, which also probably sucks. (I should watch it sometime.)