Battledogs

Title: Battledogs

Director: Alexander Yellen

Writer: Shane Van Dyke

Starring: Ariana Richards, Craig Sheffer, Kate Vernon, Pedro Cerrano

Year released: 2013

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Remember Battletoads? That’s instantly what I thought of.

Their synopsis: “…all of Manhattan is quarantined when the ‘Lupine virus’ spreads like wildfire, turning innocent civilians into ravenous wolves…”

My synopsis: Werewolf outbreak in a mythical New York City, where people and traffic cease to exist.

Quick review: Cliché-ridden horseshit.

Pros: Some halfway decent automotive stunt work.

Cons: Battledogs is an especially lousy title. And fuck that goddamn boat chase.

Biggest movie cliché: The government surreptitiously attempting to weaponize something unorthodox.

Best cameo: Bill Duke as President Sheridan. The word ‘Best’ is a little strong, but Bill Duke was in Predator, and that’s really all you need. Although, I am surprised Dennis Haysbert wasn’t cast as the black president. (Haysbert stunk, by the way.)

Least favorite quote: The dialogue is dreadfully unoriginal, but my least favorite line was probably when Major Hoffman threatened a soldier with being “court marshalled so fast your head will spin!”

Say a nice thing: Only realized post-screening that Ariana Richards played Lex in Jurassic Park. What a classic film.

Say a mean thing: What the fuck was Ernie Hudson talking about with the holograms, and why was every C-list black actor cast in this?

Biggest suspension of disbelief: You can’t interrupt a cell phone call with a goddamn walkie talkie.

Most relatable current event: The outbreak of Mets fever in New York City! (Soon to be cured.)

Final review: To be fair, “cliché-ridden horseshit” is an accurate description of most Asylum productions. However, there’s something particularly detestable about this film. It’s mostly just averagely shitty, yet I was very angry. I can’t quite put my finger on it. I’m not sure why I hate this movie so much, but I do. It’s not outstandingly bad, comparatively speaking. I’m repeating myself, so I’ll cut this review short. I cannot condemn this film enough, but if you happened to be trapped in a mineshaft, and it’s playing on the somehow-still-functioning television set, I think you’ll agree with me that Battledogs is the pits. Right before you suffocate and die. God… What an awful way to go. Anyway, I only hope that I haven’t reached a breaking point with the Asylum. Don’t know what I’d do with myself.

Ranking:

1.5 bees

6 Guns

Title: 6 Guns

Director: Shane Van Dyke

Writer: Geoff Meed

Starring: Sage Mears (good name), Barry Van Dyke

Year released: 2010

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): First Asylum western I’ve seen. I recently rewatched Tombstone, so why not see how this stacks up?

Their synopsis: “A young woman enlists the aid of a bounty hunter to teach her how to be a gunfighter so she can hunt down the men who killed her family.”

My synopsis: A lady who doesn’t understand she could improve her shooting accuracy by gripping the pistol with two hands wants revenge on the men who raped her and killed her husband and children.

Quick review: If this movie needed a place to sleep for the night, they wouldn’t be allowed to stay at ‘Best Western.’ Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!

Pros: You don’t often see children murdered execution-style in films. I respect the balls it takes to do this, even if it was one of the most drawn-out, poorly edited scenes I’ve ever witnessed.

Cons: Because of course Geoff Meed makes himself the (embarrassingly awful, yet fairly brutal) bad guy. Again. He thinks putting dirt on his character’s face is making him seem tough and rugged. God, what a cunt!

Biggest movie cliché: The Asylum tried to make a western. How many clichés do you think there are?

Least favorite quote: “…get something to eat in your stomach besides whiskey…” When this happens, you do another take. Have some fucking pride in your work, Asylum.

Say a nice thing: The selection of prostitutes at the Bisbee/Whitehorse Saloon is top-notch.

Say a creepy thing: I, too, would like a rubbin’ from Sage Mears. She is gorgeous.

Say a mean thing: Your dead husband’s diet would have contributed to his premature death anyway, Selina, you enabling bitch. Cooking him roast for breakfast, lunch, and dinner?! His cholesterol levels must have been through the roof!

Biggest suspension of disbelief: God forbid you play cards with anything other than a brand new Bicycle deck.

Most relatable current event: I don’t want to bring up Peshawar. It’s too goddamn barbaric. Goddamn Muslim savages…

Final review: Standard western narrative, with serviceable dialogue and acting (generally). My problem is that it takes forever for anything to get done. Aggrieved woman wants bounty hunter to teach her to shoot? “Let’s do it in 16 scenes! That’s sounds like enough!” This movie is 95 minutes long, probably could have been 80. A tighter films equals a better film. It wastes its time on nonsense, then has its characters talk (Fucking talk!) about an epic gunfight instead of actually showing it! Always a good idea in a western to minimize shootouts…

Ranking:

2 bees

Transmorphers: Fall of Man

Title: Transmorphers: Fall of Man

Director: Scott Wheeler

Writer: Shane Van Dyke

Starring: Shane Van Dyke, Alana DiMaria, Bruce Boxleitner

Year released: 2009

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): This is a prequel to 2007’s Transmorphers.

Their synopsis: “When a super-species of deadly robots begins to wage war against the planet, humankind fights back.”

My synopsis: People mostly just talking about robots. Eventually, they get around to fighting some of them.

Quick review: Robots fighting people. I’m sure you’ve heard this one before…

Pros: I think Madison was a stripper. She was wearing a really short, hippie-chick skirt and high heels half the movie. Never got explained though.

Cons: For some reason, all of the Transmorphers looked like mechanical birds.

Biggest movie cliché: Guess where all of this alien robot stuff started. … Give up? Roswell.

Say a nice thing: Shane Van Dyke, the actor, was alright. He’s like a really, really, really, really, really poor man’s version of Chris Hemsworth.

Say a mean thing: Shane Van Dyke, the writer, is a fucking lazy piece of shit. The last 10 minutes or so of this movie was so sloppily done it made me angry.

Favorite quote: This exchange actually happened. Perhaps the shittiest dialogue ever scribed.

Random guy who happened to know pretty much everything: The Russians captured one [robot]. They tortured it ‘til it revealed its memory codes.

Jake Van Ryberg: How the hell do you torture a machine?

Random guy who happened to know pretty much everything: Fuck if I know. Insult its motherboard. Laugh at the size of its hard drive. I don’t give a rat’s ass what the Russkies do…”

Another quote: “They’ve seen them transmorph.” They’re really sticking to that title. I guess for legal reasons, you have to.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: There’s clearly a human driving the Transmorpher car. Tell that moron stunt driver to hold the wheel from the bottom and it’ll be less noticeable.

Most relatable current event: Giant soldier robo-pigs.

Final review: They didn’t know what they were doing when they made this. “Hey, let’s make a prequel! That’ll be fun!” “Great! What’s it about?” “Well, it has to involve people. People fighting alien robots.” That has to be as far as that conversation ever got. This movie just runs around, never really accomplishing anything. It doesn’t make any sense as a prequel either. It’s like they didn’t even bother watching the original Transmorphers. Though I guess I can’t really blame them…

Ranking:

2 bees

The Day the Earth Stopped

Title: The Day the Earth Stopped

Director: C. Thomas Howell

Writer: Carey Van Dyke, Shane Van Dyke, Darren Dalton

Starring: C. Thomas Howell, Sinead McCafferty, Darren Dalton

Year released: 2008

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): The Asylum done good on its remake of at least one 50’s sci-fi masterpiece, let’s see how they do with this one.

Their synopsis: “Hundreds of intergalactic robots appear in the world’s major cities with an ultimatum: prove the value of human civilization or be destroyed.”

My synopsis: An average Joe must lead a super hot alien around Los Angeles, trying to show her the value of human life, while simultaneously pretending he doesn’t want to fuck her stupid.

Quick review: Sporadically true to The Day the Earth Stood Still theme-wise and plot-wise, albeit with less talk of Communists.

Pros: Less than three minutes in, and Sinead McCafferty (‘Sky’ the alien) is already naked. Later, she runs in white pajamas. Oh, and the story was pretty good, too.

Cons: The aliens’ home planet is for shit. Waterfalls, flowers, and clouds? Who cares? Where’s the fuckin’ skee-ball? Also, I missed Gort. What a great/shitty robot Gort was.

Biggest movie cliché: Childbirth being much less difficult than in reality.

Say a nice thing: The baby was cute, but it was at least six months old. Nobody trusts The Asylum with an actual newborn?

Say a mean thing: I saw the wireless mic when I was looking at your ass, you bimbo.

Say a creepy thing: If Sky would’ve read my mind, she would not have hesitated in blowing up the Earth.

Best cameo: Judd Nelson (of all people).

Favorite quote: “Prove that human life has value? How the hell we supposed to do that? Take her to see the goddamn Lion King?” It’s a funny quote, but wouldn’t that only prove lions, not humans, have value?

Biggest suspension of disbelief: She’s the hottest alien since Leeloo “Multipass” Dallas, yet the closest this film gets to acknowledging C. Thomas Howell wants to fuck her is when she reads his mind and says “Who’s Angelina Jolie?” Every four seconds Sky should’ve said, “I get it! You want to eat my ass! Could you please just show me humans are worth a damn so I don’t have to blow up your planet?!”

Most relatable current event: Katy Perry talking about aliens, I suppose.

Final review: I could’ve done without the final montage, explaining the duality of human nature via the events of the film. I was paying attention. There’s no need to remind me of something that happened five minutes ago. It was well-written (minus the speech at the end) and mostly well-acted. Nothing particularly special about the movie, but it was enjoyable. Score another one for C. Thomas Howell.

Ranking:

3 bees