6 Guns

Title: 6 Guns

Director: Shane Van Dyke

Writer: Geoff Meed

Starring: Sage Mears (good name), Barry Van Dyke

Year released: 2010

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): First Asylum western I’ve seen. I recently rewatched Tombstone, so why not see how this stacks up?

Their synopsis: “A young woman enlists the aid of a bounty hunter to teach her how to be a gunfighter so she can hunt down the men who killed her family.”

My synopsis: A lady who doesn’t understand she could improve her shooting accuracy by gripping the pistol with two hands wants revenge on the men who raped her and killed her husband and children.

Quick review: If this movie needed a place to sleep for the night, they wouldn’t be allowed to stay at ‘Best Western.’ Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!

Pros: You don’t often see children murdered execution-style in films. I respect the balls it takes to do this, even if it was one of the most drawn-out, poorly edited scenes I’ve ever witnessed.

Cons: Because of course Geoff Meed makes himself the (embarrassingly awful, yet fairly brutal) bad guy. Again. He thinks putting dirt on his character’s face is making him seem tough and rugged. God, what a cunt!

Biggest movie cliché: The Asylum tried to make a western. How many clichés do you think there are?

Least favorite quote: “…get something to eat in your stomach besides whiskey…” When this happens, you do another take. Have some fucking pride in your work, Asylum.

Say a nice thing: The selection of prostitutes at the Bisbee/Whitehorse Saloon is top-notch.

Say a creepy thing: I, too, would like a rubbin’ from Sage Mears. She is gorgeous.

Say a mean thing: Your dead husband’s diet would have contributed to his premature death anyway, Selina, you enabling bitch. Cooking him roast for breakfast, lunch, and dinner?! His cholesterol levels must have been through the roof!

Biggest suspension of disbelief: God forbid you play cards with anything other than a brand new Bicycle deck.

Most relatable current event: I don’t want to bring up Peshawar. It’s too goddamn barbaric. Goddamn Muslim savages…

Final review: Standard western narrative, with serviceable dialogue and acting (generally). My problem is that it takes forever for anything to get done. Aggrieved woman wants bounty hunter to teach her to shoot? “Let’s do it in 16 scenes! That’s sounds like enough!” This movie is 95 minutes long, probably could have been 80. A tighter films equals a better film. It wastes its time on nonsense, then has its characters talk (Fucking talk!) about an epic gunfight instead of actually showing it! Always a good idea in a western to minimize shootouts…

Ranking:

2 bees