#1 Cheerleader Camp

Title: #1 Cheerleader Camp

Director: Mark Quod

Writer: Naomi L. Selfman

Starring: Seth Cassell, Jay Gillespie, Erica Duke

Year released: 2010

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): The “Unrated Upskirt Version.” Really the only version, if you ask me.

Their synopsis: “A pair of horny college guys get summer jobs at a sexy cheerleader camp.”

My synopsis: Aren’t all cheerleader camps, “sexy” cheerleader camps?

Quick review: Not funny, occasionally loathsome. Only mildly arousing.

Pros: The movie opens with respectable, progressive, topless large-breasted women bouncing on a trampoline to protest white male paternalism. (I assume.)

Cons: There isn’t one believable aspect of this film. Why complicate yoga shorts and dick jokes with such a retarded plot?

Biggest movie cliché: The awkward, insecure girl that everyone made fun of was actually a great cheerleader?! Now I’ve heard everything!!

Least favorite quote: “I got it at the stripper store.” That’s especially careless writing.

Say a nice thing: I’ve heard of tone-deaf, but after looking at all those hard bodies, I’m going tone-blind!

Say a mean thing: I would only pay Charlene Tilton to appear at her own funeral.

Say a thing: That gay guy is the most passive rapist I’ve ever seen.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Not sure why all these 30-year-olds are at a cheerleading camp.

Most relatable current event: Every single real/faux Star Wars fanboy cheerleading the latest trailer. Everyone wants this movie to be good so goddamn badly, but I’m still not sure. I still remember the disappointment of Super 8.

Final review: First things first. Who the fuck is Charlene Tilton and why am I supposed to give a shit? Because I don’t. She’s an irrelevant person who is an irrelevant addition to an irrelevant movie already riddled with irrelevant plot add-ons. Instead of recreating trite premises such as the scheming rival cheerleader (Named Britt, obviously.) why not lend some of the writing to explain something pertinent, like how the fuck old these people are supposed to be? This film was made by people who haven’t even a cursory knowledge of cheerleading. “Cheerleaders are hot, right? But what else do they do?” “I bet they run constantly, and would be friends with strippers!” The movie’s worst sin, however, is that it thinks it’s cool. It’s not edgy, it’s predictable and monotonous.

Ranking:

2 bees

Sherlock Holmes

Title: Sherlock Holmes

Director: Rachel (Lee) Goldenberg

Writer: Paul Bales

Starring: Ben Syder, Gareth David-Lloyd, Dominic Keating

Year released: 2010

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): It’s going off Netflix in a week! Hurry!! While you still have time!!!

Their synopsis: “Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s famous detective faces the ultimate challenge when enormous monsters attack London.”

My synopsis: Holmes and Watson have to figure out why Londoners are seeing monsters. And by monsters, I don’t mean other hideous-looking, late 19th-century Londoners.

Quick review: I suppose it was decent enough.

Pros: They didn’t completely butcher the idea of Sherlock Holmes.

Cons: The five minutes of Dr. Watson partially descending a mountain face has to rank as one of the most pointless scenes in Asylum history. Clumsily done and immeasurably worthless.

Biggest movie cliché: Don’t worry, all the Sherlock Holmes catchphrases are ever so discreetly jammed into your auditory canal.

Favorite quote: “Sensationalist claptrap!” Perhaps The Asylum should consider changing its name.

Say a nice thing: Miss Ivory can take a good choking. I like her.

Say a mean thing: Compared to Benedict Cumberbatch, Ben Syder portrays Sherlock Holmes with the grace of a sugar-addled retarded child trying to lick his shoulder blades.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Are you serious? How and why is there a fucking dragon in this?! Goddammit…

Most relatable current event: The latest on BBC’s Sherlock.

Final review: The character of Sherlock Holmes takes an event which seems supernatural or impossible, and logically explains how such a mystery could happen, via his superior intellect. Thankfully, The Asylum understands this. I was worried for a second. The plot is still really stupid, don’t get me wrong, but at least there wasn’t an actual Kraken that Sherlock Holmes had to fight. Although, the ending chase scene featuring a hot air balloon/helicopter with a machine gun trying to shoot down a giant robot dragon may be worse. I haven’t decided. Overall, I expected it to be worse than it was. Recasting Sherlock and rewriting the villain’s motivations would have improved the film greatly.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

6 Guns

Title: 6 Guns

Director: Shane Van Dyke

Writer: Geoff Meed

Starring: Sage Mears (good name), Barry Van Dyke

Year released: 2010

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): First Asylum western I’ve seen. I recently rewatched Tombstone, so why not see how this stacks up?

Their synopsis: “A young woman enlists the aid of a bounty hunter to teach her how to be a gunfighter so she can hunt down the men who killed her family.”

My synopsis: A lady who doesn’t understand she could improve her shooting accuracy by gripping the pistol with two hands wants revenge on the men who raped her and killed her husband and children.

Quick review: If this movie needed a place to sleep for the night, they wouldn’t be allowed to stay at ‘Best Western.’ Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!

Pros: You don’t often see children murdered execution-style in films. I respect the balls it takes to do this, even if it was one of the most drawn-out, poorly edited scenes I’ve ever witnessed.

Cons: Because of course Geoff Meed makes himself the (embarrassingly awful, yet fairly brutal) bad guy. Again. He thinks putting dirt on his character’s face is making him seem tough and rugged. God, what a cunt!

Biggest movie cliché: The Asylum tried to make a western. How many clichés do you think there are?

Least favorite quote: “…get something to eat in your stomach besides whiskey…” When this happens, you do another take. Have some fucking pride in your work, Asylum.

Say a nice thing: The selection of prostitutes at the Bisbee/Whitehorse Saloon is top-notch.

Say a creepy thing: I, too, would like a rubbin’ from Sage Mears. She is gorgeous.

Say a mean thing: Your dead husband’s diet would have contributed to his premature death anyway, Selina, you enabling bitch. Cooking him roast for breakfast, lunch, and dinner?! His cholesterol levels must have been through the roof!

Biggest suspension of disbelief: God forbid you play cards with anything other than a brand new Bicycle deck.

Most relatable current event: I don’t want to bring up Peshawar. It’s too goddamn barbaric. Goddamn Muslim savages…

Final review: Standard western narrative, with serviceable dialogue and acting (generally). My problem is that it takes forever for anything to get done. Aggrieved woman wants bounty hunter to teach her to shoot? “Let’s do it in 16 scenes! That’s sounds like enough!” This movie is 95 minutes long, probably could have been 80. A tighter films equals a better film. It wastes its time on nonsense, then has its characters talk (Fucking talk!) about an epic gunfight instead of actually showing it! Always a good idea in a western to minimize shootouts…

Ranking:

2 bees

Sharktopus

Title: Sharktopus

Director: Declan O’Brien

Writer: Mike MacLean

Starring: Eric Roberts, Sara Malakul Lane, Kerem Bursin

Year released: 2010

Their synopsis: “A half-shark, half-octopus creature creates terror in Mexico.”

My synopsis: The government engineered a half-shark, half-octopus monster to “go where the Navy can’t…to sneak into hostile waters [and] hunt down drug runners and pirate vessels.” Perhaps unsurprisingly, things go wrong, and it starts murdering everybody.

Quick review: Seth Rogen (and Evan Goldberg) wrote the first draft of Superbad when he was 13-years-old. Any other 13-year-old boy would write this movie. And probably did.

Pros: Where are these beaches in Mexico? There wasn’t one unattractive woman there, and they were doing yoga and rubbing lotion on each other. Would I even be allowed in?

Cons: With the exception of Eric Roberts, this film features arguably the worst collection of actors ever put together on screen.

Least favorite quote: “They’re just boobs. They’re not gonna get up and dance or anything.” That’s not why he’s looking at your tits, you unfunny whore.

Most relatable current event: The Muslim savages in Nigeria who kidnapped those girls. This movie is just as tragic.

Say a nice thing: No.

Say a mean thing: Mike MacLean can take his failed meta-jokes and hang his children with them.

Biggest fall from grace: Eric Roberts.

Final review: I did some research on this film, and found out that after paying Eric Roberts’ fee, the filmmakers had approximately $3.72 left in their budget. They gave all the acting roles to their cousins and in-laws, then stole some boats and cameras and fled to Mexico. For the special effects, they blew a guy at Dilated Pixels. Reggie. The writer, director, producers…all of them. They all blew Reggie. Sometimes they took individual turns blowing him, sometimes they did it together. On a few occasions, I read, while the director was sucking Reggie’s dick, the writer would lick his asshole. The filmmakers did such a fine job making Reggie cum over and over and over again, that he tried his best. The only person involved in this project that did so. Kudos to Reggie, and fuck everyone else with a Sharktopus tentacle. This is an awful movie.

Ranking:

1 bee

Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus

Title: Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus

Director: Christopher (Douglas-Olen) Ray

Writer: Micho Rutare, Naomi L. Selfman

Starring: Jaleel White, Gary Stretch, Sarah Lieving

Year released: 2010

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): This is the (first) sequel to the critically lauded and runaway smash hit, Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus. Ace Hannah/Jack Perez is not involved, however, and I am nervous.

Their synopsis: “With the prehistoric Crocosaurus on a collision course with a Mega Shark, the world’s top scientists explore every option to halt the aquatic clash.”

My synopsis: Hold on, “a Mega Shark”? The movie specifically states it’s the same one. Regardless, Mega Shark loves to eat Crocosaurus eggs, which does not go over well with Mother Croc. The US government, working alone apparently, tries to kill them both.

Quick review: It was too normal for a movie about multiple 1,000-foot-long prehistoric monsters.

Pros: I never realized how smoochable Sarah Lieving’s lips are. Very sexy.

Cons: The fight scenes between Mega Shark and Crocosaurus were poorly choreographed, and it was cringeworthy when they tried to make Urkel and the other guy look like action heroes.

How it relates to the original film: If Mega Shark survived, what happened to Giant Octopus? Did Mega Shark win? I wouldn’t doubt it, as Mega Shark is a bridge-eating, plane-attacking, badass motherfucker, but I would still like some clarification. Giant Octopus deserved better than to just be written out entirely.

Biggest movie cliché: I was taken aback when the plan that everybody said wouldn’t work, totally worked at the end! Never saw it coming.

Say a nice thing: During the Panama Canal scene, for at least a second or two, I thought, “This is pretty cool.”

Say a mean thing: The movie ends with a croc/crock pun. An ending of child rape would’ve elicited more laughs.

Least favorite non-quote: “Did I do thaaat?” Jaleel White didn’t say this one time.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Again, I have to call into question how large this Mega Shark really is. In his opening sequence, Mega Shark goes from 100 feet long, to about 4,000 feet long, then back again.

Most relatable current event: Big ass crocodile.

Final review:  I didn’t hate the egg story line, which I saw as an attempt to differentiate itself from the original. However, the core cast of characters is not as strong as the previous film, nor are their interpersonal relationships. The action isn’t as distinct, and the subtle winks are absent. I absolutely hated the constant and arbitrary cutaways to nameless characters. It’s like they promised too many people a line in the movie and had to squeeze them in somehow. It’s interesting enough on its own and the tempo is fine, but it ultimately falls directly into the sequel trap. My expectations were very low, and though it was better than I anticipated, that’s mostly just because I figured it’d be complete and utter shit.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

 

Mega Piranha

Title: Mega Piranha

Director: Eric Forsberg

Writer: Eric Forsberg

Starring: Paul Logan, Tiffany, Barry Williams

Year released: 2010

Their synopsis: “A mutant strain of giant ferocious piranha escape from the Amazon and eat their way toward Florida.”

My synopsis: Blood-thirsty Amazonian piranha grow to preposterous sizes, and their destructive wake is headed straight for the United States. Why? Cause nobody would give a shit if they just killed a bunch of commie Venezuelans.

Quick review: Why are they trying so hard to make this a B movie? The name of the film is “Mega Piranha” for fuck sake! When this is your starting concept, you don’t have to try anymore. The recipe for a good B movie is to start with a ridiculous concept, then make it as best you can. Don’t fail on purpose.

Pros: Barry Williams. The jungle noises they use come directly from the old PC game The Amazon Trail. Tits.

Cons: The godawful, wannabe-action-movie editing. The acting.

Biggest movie cliché: Science experiment gone awry.

Say a nice thing: The movie functions more as a guide to learning Spanish than as a movie. Every time the evil colonel would say something in English, his crony yell-repeated it in Spanish.

Say a mean thing: Those filthy South Americans deserve to be fish food.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Why isn’t there any blood?

Most relatable current event: This is almost too perfect.

Final review: You can tell they tried to make it a little campy and silly, but they tried too hard, and on the wrong parts. The script wasn’t strong enough to support some of the goofy sight gags or the madcap editing, and, as a result, both suffered. Some of the destruction scenes are amusing, and Greg Brady is good, but that’s really all you can say for it. Sadly, Mega Piranha ends up just being a “what could’ve been.”

Ranking:

2.5 bees