Ardennes Fury

Title: Ardennes Fury

Director: Joseph J. Lawson

Writer: Joseph J. Lawson, Stephen Llorens

Starring: Tom Stedham, Lauren Vera

Year released: 2014

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Another Joe Lawson joint, because he drunkenly stumbled across this blog one time is a big fan.

Their synopsis: “As the Battle of the Bulge rages on, an American tank unit gets trapped behind Nazi lines. With just hours before the bombs of Operation Ardennes Fury fall, the tank’s commander makes the risky decision to rescue an orphanage.”

My synopsis: Human men shoot guns, whilst CGI tanks shoot cannons. Repeat.

Quick review: 1990’s me would say it’s “a’ight.”

Pros: Cool (real) WWII footage and M1 Garands. Sister Claudette running in slow motion.

Cons: It was probably rude of me to start laughing when the nun stepped on that land mine. And god, Nazis are such dicks.

Biggest movie cliché: Some lady freaking out cause her kid died. Get a grip, crybaby!

Biggest suspension of disbelief: German tank 36 was clearly made of papier-mache, but the stupidest scene was when a bomb exploded ten feet from two guys, who then immediately got up and had a knife fight.

Say a nice thing: That Joseph J. Lawson sure is a nice, handsome fella. Go check out his Facebook. What a swell fella!

Say a mean thing: Why are you trying to save orphans? Nobody cares about orphans. That’s why they’re orphans.

Smallest suspension of disbelief: Men doing something dangerous for a gorgeous girl. Also, women being liars.

Most relatable current event: Fury is out on DVD. I really enjoyed that movie.

Final review: “Plodding” is the word I would use to best describe this movie. It’s put together well enough, but it’s not the most compelling thing you’ll ever watch. I wanted to give my new best friend a great score, especially on a film I was excited to see, but it’s an average movie, so it will get an average rating. No playing favorites here, Joe! I’ve never given a film set in a women’s prison where everyone is super horny a higher rating than it deserved.

And will no one let Joseph Lawson put subtitles in a film? Nazi privates should not be speaking English.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Nazis at the Center of the Earth

Title: Nazis at the Center of the Earth

Director: Joseph J. Lawson

Writer: Paul Bales

Starring: Josh Allen, Dominique Swain, Jake Busey

Year released: 2012

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): What’s dumber, center of the earth Nazis or moon Nazis?

Their synopsis: “Researchers in Antarctica are abducted by a team of masked storm troopers. They are dragged deep underground to a hidden continent in the center of the earth. Here Nazi survivors…are planning for the revival of the Third Reich.”

My synopsis: Underground Nazis once again attempt world domination. And fail, per usual.

Quick review: Surprisingly boring for a film about secret Nazis. Third act is ok.

Pros: I don’t want to call this a “pro” exactly, but I laughed really hard when Dr. Reistad, for absolutely no reason whatsoever, punched his girlfriend in the face after she told him she was pregnant. It was just so unexpected. (Spoiler alert: Apparently it wasn’t for “no reason.” He wanted to abort the child and use its fetal stem cells. Jesus…)

Cons: Chris Johnson’s German accent is fucking exhausting, and good lord is that Busey mouth terrifying. Also, I can’t imagine anything worse than getting gang-raped by zombie Nazis.

Biggest movie cliché: Nazis as the “bad guy.” Schindler’s List tried to do the same thing.

Hottest Antarctic research scientist: Dr. Paige Morgan (and her friends) really did it for me when I was a teenager, but now I’m gonna go with May Yun.

Say a nice thing: MechaHitler. Even if you’re anti-Hitler, come on, that’s pretty cool.

Say a mean thing: Haha, Dr. Mengele couldn’t wait to kill that scheming jew.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: The whole flesh thing seemed largely unnecessary.

Most relatable current event: Jingoistic assholes are angry with Seth Rogen for saying that American Sniper reminded him of Nation’s Pride.

Final review: The third act is quite ridiculous, but sort of fun. Why? I’ll say it again, MechaHitler. I understand that MechaHitler is the payoff, and you can’t lead with it (Though I would not have objected to 90 minutes of MechaHitler wrecking shit.), but there had to be a better way to get there. I think one more rewrite was all this movie needed to actually be “good.” Clean up the story, get rid of some superfluous characters, and tighten up the exposition. There are secret zombie Nazis living in a mountainous paradise under Antarctica. Are you really going to try and explain that logically? Get to the blitzkrieg!

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Ready 2 Die

Title: Ready 2 Die

Director: John Azpilicueta

Writer: John Azpilicueta, Ted Grau

Starring: Pablo (Hernandez) Santiago, Jacob Martinez, John Azpilicueta

Year released: 2014

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): An Asylum co-production, with something called JAGQA Productions.

Their synopsis: “After a violent bank robbery, a trio of hoods make their way across East L.A. carrying a blood-soaked bag of money. When word gets out, they must fend off gangs and crooked cops alike as they strive to [Ed. note: 2] keep the loot and stay alive.”

My synopsis: (“Hoods”? “Loot”? What old man wrote their synopsis?) A shockingly poor live-action adaptation of a GTA V heist mission.

Quick review: I love gangster movies. This is shit.

Pros: The Warriors. That’s a great film about gang members trying 2 get home. Watch that instead.

Cons: Sure, just throw an edit in there. Why not? It’s as good a place as any.

Biggest movie cliché: The hack nicknames, 2 of which they stole from Training Day. Psycho, Sniper, Lucky, and Smiley.

Best cameo: That Mexican guy from every movie talking about fucking fat girls. His real name is Noel? Never would have guessed.

Say a nice thing: That guy’s hot wife is apparently a porn star. That’s nice, right?

Say a racist thing: There are 2 many Mexicans coming in2 America and taking gang member positions away from black people.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Jesus christ, so goddamn many I’ll limit it 2 the first 15 minutes. 4 starters, that was clearly not a fucking bank you robbed. Also, turns out if you shoot and kill enough police officers, the cops decide 2 leave you alone 4 a bit. The car crash was complete nonsense. And how about the police car that was being driven from the passenger side?

Most relatable current event: In Obama’s State of the Union, he’ll probably talk about his immigration policy, and how there are 2 many Mexicans stabbing people. Or just 1 of those.

Final review: I guarantee that Azpilicueta and Grau think their screenplay is genius. They couldn’t be more wrong. They tried 2 do Reservoir Dogs and failed in every conceivable way. Why? Because they’re not smart, not funny, and certainly not talented. Azpilicueta even unnecessarily inserts himself as a shitty actor, just like Tarantino. Actually, it’s unfair 2 single him out as a shitty actor, because all of them are shitty. Astonishingly so. This is a terrible, unbelievable film.

Ranking:

1 bee

The Haunting of Whaley House

Title: The Haunting of Whaley House

Director: Jose Prendes

Writer: Jose Prendes

Starring: Stephanie Greco, Alex Arleo, Arielle Brachfeld

Year released: 2012

Their synopsis: “When a tour guide breaks into America’s Most Haunted House, a bit of amateur ghost hunting with friends turns into more horror than they could have ever imagined.”

My synopsis: Thirty-year-olds, who think they’re cool, goth fifteen-year-olds, keep dying in a supposedly haunted house.

Quick review: With the exception of half a dozen scenes, this is a decent horror flick.

Pros: In the film, some guy says ghosts feed off of battery power. Obviously, I needed to know more, so I googled it. In doing so, I found this informative/unintentionally hilarious article that begins, “As I’ve mentioned before I am not a demonologist…”

Cons: Those racist ass ghosts invisibly lynched Ray! To be fair, he sort of deserved it after that awful and terribly acted, I’m-so-angry-I’m-going-to-curse-at-the-ghosts soliloquy.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Black ghost hunters? I don’t think so.

Least favorite quote: “Just because you don’t believe in ghosts, doesn’t mean they don’t believe in you.” That doesn’t make any sense, you stupid old cunt.

Say a nice thing: The majority of actresses in this movie did an excellent job.

Say a mean thing: Keith Drummond is very clearly a rapist.

Biggest movie cliché: Something goes wrong, and one retard tries to convince everybody else why it’s a bad idea to call the police.

Smallest suspension of disbelief: Penny looked at the black guys when she reminded everyone not to steal.

Most relatable current event: Whatever ghost hunting show just got renewed for its 19th season on SyFy. You think they’d have found something by now…

Final review: While it’s not a particularly original film, it executes the haunted house formula quite well. Small group of friends, there’s an incident, quality jump scares, infighting, somebody gets possessed, cops come, etc., etc. However, there’s nonsense abound, almost to the point where it overwhelms what the movie does right. (Not shocking for an Asylum production.) Unnecessarily exaggerated deaths, over-the-top acting, and irrelevant story additions, for example. Perhaps it depends on the mood you’re in, and/or how much you enjoy the horror genre, but despite its numerous flaws, I liked it. It did take me awhile to realize I was liking it, which I’m not sure qualifies as a ringing endorsement.

Ranking:

3 bees

Air Collision

Title: Air Collision

Director: Liz Adams

Writer: Liz Adams

Starring: Too many people

Year released: 2012

Their synopsis: “When a solar storm wipes out the air traffic control system, Air Force One and a passenger jet liner are locked on a collision course in the skies above the midwest.”

My synopsis: Weather makes some aviation company become Skynet, and it tries to kill the president. (Maybe.) Carl Winslow attempts to save the day.

Quick review: Ninety minutes has never felt longer.

Pros: Turbulence causes Jordan Ladd’s shirt to slowly unbutton.

Cons: Oh my god… The constant screaming in the passenger jet scenes is enraging.

Biggest movie cliché: A hole in an airplane acting like a gigantic vacuum cleaner.

Say a creepy thing: First daughter?! I’d like to give her her first daughter!

Say a mean thing: I can’t say that I want to punch Liz Adams in the face because she’s a woman, and that would not be cool. I would like to soak her in gasoline and set her on fire, though.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Just how many satellites does this aviation company have, and why are they all crash landing in LA? Why is Joan whispering? And why is everything else in this movie so fucking retarded?

Most relatable current event: These people died in a plane crash; I watched this movie. It’s debatable who had the worst experience.

Final review: Once again, Liz Adams has made a truly abysmal film. For one, she has the inability to write. Her stories are nonsense, there’s too much going on, and the dialogue is completely unbelievable. She also allows too many actors to be given screen time, which is a problem because the only shitty actors The Asylum can afford to hire are really, really shitty. Artificial intelligence taking over is a staple of sci-fi films, but this is so clumsily done, that it never even borders on interesting or conceivable. In fact, I’m probably giving Liz Adams more credit than she deserves, as I’m not even sure that’s what she tried to do. I think the AI takeover scenario is me trying to make sense of the godawful mess I was watching. The computer system could have been trying to save the president. Who the fuck knows? Basically, Air Collision is a terrible, horseshit movie, with absolutely no focus. And a guy opens a door with a spoon. So yeah, fuck it.

Ranking:

.5 bee

AVH: Alien vs Hunter

Title: AVH: Alien vs Hunter

Director: Scott Harper

Writer: David Michael Latt

Starring: William Katt, Dedee Pfeiffer, Wittly Jourdan

Year released: 2007

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I enjoy the Alien vs Predator mythos so much that I have a tattoo expressing such. Therefore, I will be a stern critic of this rip-off film, of which I finally found an English version.

Their synopsis: “A galactic hunter chases the most dangerous alien creature in the universe to planet Earth, where humanity is caught between predator and prey.”

My synopsis: Chinese Robocop hunts a large alien spider, while humans run around talking and dying.

Quick review: The Alien vs Hunter fight scenes were only marginally more interesting than the humans chatting to each other.

Pros: I’ll bet ol’ Lee Cussler tries to hook up a three at the end of the movie. (Spoiler alert!)

Cons: The sound mixing was terrible. Every time someone whispered, you could absolutely not hear them.

Describe the Hunter: If Mortal Kombat’s Raiden was a scuba diver in the 1930s.

Describe the Alien: If the Alien (the actual Alien) impregnated Shelob.

Say a nice thing: Dedee Pfeiffer is pretty good, and also played Victoria in one of my top five Seinfeld episodes, ‘The Opposite.’ I like her.

Say a mean thing: Tammy is pretty sexy, but she needs to shut her stupid fucking mouth.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: The ending. The Hunter was a human or something (Another spoiler alert.), but I didn’t really care by that point.

Most relatable current event: Not super current, but I’m excited for Shane Black’s Predator sequel.

Final review: The last time I reviewed an Asylum film older than 2010 was in May, and I’ll say this, they’ve certainly gotten better over the years in terms of production value and special effects. Watching the Hunter fight the Alien was like watching Mechagodzilla fight Gigan. There was also virtually zero plot. Every character wanted to do something different, but nobody ended up doing anything. They just walked around outside a lot, which is odd as the only thing the characters ever agreed on was that being outside was dangerous. The final scene hints at a sequel, which, thank christ, never got made.

Ranking:

2 bees

Clash of the Empires

Title: Clash of the Empires (Also known as: Lord of the Elves)

Director: Joseph J. Lawson

Writer: Eric Forsberg

Starring: Sum Korng, Khom Lyly, Srogn

Year released: 2012

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Via IMDB Trivia: “Originally titled ‘Age of the Hobbits’ until Warner Bros/New Line Cinema, MGM and Saul Zaentz sued The Asylum.” Haha.

Their synopsis: “In an ancient age, peace-loving tribe are enslaved by a race of flesh-eating dragon-riders. The young tribesman Goben must join forces with their neighbor giants, the humans, to free his people and vanquish their enemies.”

My synopsis: Rock people kidnap some tree people, then a stone-headed black guy and a hot Asian chick help the remaining tree people save their brethren.

Quick review: I swear to god, this may be the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. It’s historically terrible, but nonstop laughs. It’s a masterpiece of shit.

Pros: The dubbed American voices are hysterical. Not sure if the actors’ English was that harsh, or the producers just didn’t care for the high-pitched midget voice.

More pros: The “dragons” are giant komodo dragons. I can accept this. Also, the return of giant spiders!

Biggest movie cliché: The obstinate tribal chief is a bit of a pill, huh? I’ll bet he never changes his ways in the nick of time!

Favorite quote: “Earth Mother, thank you for your goodness.” “All the same! …To me!” And a plethora of others. The shoddily dubbed-in voices are so fantastic.

Say a nice thing: Bai Ling is gorgeous. How is she almost 50?

Say a crass thing: Omi wants to fuck Amthar so bad, but his dick’s probably bigger than her body. I don’t see how that’s going to work physically.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Not sure how the constant, sharp bursts of laughter didn’t puncture my lungs.

Most relatable current event: AirAsia Flight 8501 crashed in Indonesia. That is an apt comparison.

Final review: I’m fairly certain they didn’t intend to make the best worst film ever, but this has it all. There’s a hot chick, midgets, godawful dialogue, horrible editing, hilarious voice dubbing, embarrassingly bad fight sequences, mythical creatures, abysmal acting, emotional strikeouts, ludicrous plot turns, and so much more. Normally, I reserve the higher rankings for movies that are actually decent, but Clash of the Empires is such a catastrophic abortion of awesomeness that it deserves the highest ranking I can give. Congratulations to all parties involved! You’ve got quite a failure on your hands!

Ranking:

4 bees

Celebrity Sex Tape

Title: Celebrity Sex Tape

Director: Scott Wheeler

Writer: Jonathan Haug, Patrick Sheehan, Matt Short

Starring: Jack Cullison, Jonathan Brett, Julie Barzman

Year released: 2012

Their synopsis: “A group of college nerds secretly record a washed up celebrity having sex and post the tape on the internet. When the publicity revives the actress’s career, every B-list celebrity, reality show reject, and celebutante in Hollywood want to star in the guys next ‘production.’”

My synopsis: For five college kids, almost date rape leads to a lucrative pornography career.

Quick review: Stupid, but not nearly as terrible as I thought it’d be.

Pros: Acknowledging the latent homosexuality of frat bros. Also, the character Marcus (for most of the movie), including when he got punched in the face for the second time. That made me laugh.

Cons: Why are so many of these people having sex with their clothes on? And can someone explain to me why you’d want to get the taste of female ejaculate out of your mouth?

Biggest movie cliché: Every racist thing about the Asian guy.

Favorite quote: “Classic mudshark.” I’ve never before heard this insult. Take it away, Urban Dictionary.

Say a mean thing: That obese fuck’s fat-calloused heart would stop if he abused ED drugs in such a manner.

Say another mean thing: Hey, jesus freak, your man’s not around because you’d rather read a book about Bronze Age barbarism than sit on his face.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: The horny college nerds being grossed out when that crazy lady squirted. It was more disgusting when she referred to her vagina as “mashed potatoes and gravy.”

Smallest suspension of disbelief: Nobody wanted to fuck Moby Dick. (Cause she’s a big fat white whale. Get it?)

Final review: Low-level actresses agree to make sex tapes in an effort to re-energize their stalled careers. No, that could never happen… Celebrity Sex Tape is another Asylum comedy I thought for sure was going to be horseshit, but ended up not being so bad. Easily the most annoying thing about the movie was the sound effects. I’m not sure the foley artist for this film has ever had sex, or even read about it. I’m also just now realizing that the movie is making me have a crisis of conscience. How fucked up is it that the premise of this film is even close to believable? I mean, look at how many women were willing to be naked in this shitty Asylum film. It’s really just one step away. I’m a creep, so I’m kind of into it, but I’m also a human person who thinks the fascination with celebrity culture is destroying civilization. Maybe I just need to watch something with dragons in it to level off…

Ranking:

2.5 bees

The Bell Witch Haunting

Title: The Bell Witch Haunting

Director: Glenn Miller

Writer: None credited, probably because this is a true story!

Starring: Cat Alter, Andrew Hellenthal

Year released: 2013

Their synopsis: “…What was first thought to be a murder-suicide is now believed to be the return of a centuries-old demon responsible for America’s most famous paranormal event.”

My synopsis: A ghost mostly enjoys bothering high school girls when they’re alone and/or in their underwear. On a related note, I might be the Bell Witch.

Quick review: Not bad if you’re into this kind of stuff.

Pros: When it wasn’t trying so hard to scare you, the film had its eerie moments.

Cons: There’s only one police officer in this town. His last name is Bungalon, and his chest cam has poor, inconsistent grammar. (Along with whoever transcribed the 911 calls.) Also, why’d no one ever check camera one? It’s literally the first camera.

Biggest movie cliché: Just once I’d like to move into a new house that isn’t haunted!

Say a nice thing: All the actors portraying the Sawyers were pretty good.

Say a crass thing: After going through all that, imagine how good a fuck crazy-ass Dana would be.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Why would a ghost need to hide in a closet? Is it some sort of homosexual ghost? Was this whole movie a metaphor that I missed?

Most relatable current event: Nothing. I don’t think witches make it into the news very much nowadays.

Final review: Amongst all the other ridiculous things, to believe in ghosts, you pretty much have to believe that the spirits of certain undead persons have nothing to do, for all of eternity, other than to mildly annoy and frighten living human beings who happen to reside in particular buildings. This is only one reason why I didn’t find the film intriguing or scary. Another reason? After deciding to focus on the daughter, the movie oddly cuts her out of the middle of the film, making it far less cohesive than it should have been. Overall though, if you enjoy the Paranormal Activity series, you might actually like this too. Fairly well done.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Hold Your Breath

Title: Hold Your Breath

Director: Jared Cohn

Writer: Geoff Meed, Kenny Zinn

Starring: Katrina Bowden, Randy Wayne, Erin Marie Hogan

Year released: 2012

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): The Asylum plus Katrina Bowden. Yes please.

Their synopsis: “A group of friends on a roadtrip explore a cemetery where the ghost of a notorious serial killer jumps from body to body, killing his victims one by one.”

My synopsis: Some college kids go camping, kill each other, then there’s a ghost fight. You know how it is…

Quick review: This movie defies the laws of stupidity.

Pros: Erin Marie Hogan and her shorts give Katrina Bowden a run for her money.

Cons: Maybe the worst setup for a film in history, and yet somehow, the rest of the story is even worse. It’s really quite fucking astonishing.

Biggest movie cliché: Instantaneous nightfall.

MFK: Marry Jerry. Fuck Natasha. Kill Samantha.

Say a nice thing: Not only is Randy Wayne in the Two First Names Club, but he sure is a handsome son of a gun.

Say a creepy thing: If Katrina Bowden murdered my family, was executed by electrocution, and had been dead for a year, I’d still eat the ass of her corpse.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: I find it hard to believe that if a serial killer is about to be put to death, it’s policy for the warden to remind the victim and her family of the convict’s every rape and bludgeoning.

Most relatable current event: In the wake of the Charlie Hebdo killings, some lady running for president in France wants to bring back capital punishment. The only thing more laughable than a lady president is the Muslim religion.

Final review: I would like to blame the godawful Geoff Meed for the utter lunacy and incoherence of this story, but that credit is actually attributed to some guy named Kenny Zinn. So fuck Kenny Zinn. Nothing makes sense, no rules were followed, and the plot turns are arbitrary. As a result, there’s zero tension. Only aggravation. I wrote a story when I was six or seven, about a ghost that befriends dinosaurs or some shit. It’s a goddamn masterpiece compared to this script. Think about this: the film would have been better off letting Geoff Meed pen the whole thing. I mean, can you even imagine such a scenario? Never in my life did I think I would write that sentence. As of right now, this is Kenny Zinn’s only credit, and it should certainly be his last.

Ranking:

1.5 bees