Bikini Spring Break

Title: Bikini Spring Break

Director: Jared Cohn

Writer: Jared Cohn, Naomi L. Selfman

Starring: five girls, the guy from Revenge of the Nerds

Year released: 2012

Their synopsis: “A group of coeds from a small conservative college break out of their shells when their marching band bus breaks down in Ft. Lauderdale during Spring Break.”

My synopsis: Wacky spring break antics.

Quick review: An example of when not giving a fuck can be a fun thing for a movie.

Pros: Boobs. I swear to god, five seconds into the movie. A “Start to Tits” time that is virtually unsurpassable. Jared Cohn is a master at this. (Editing naked women into a film early, in the desperate attempt to get people like me to keep watching. Not actual filmmaking. He’s certainly not a master at that.)

Cons: All of the spring break parties look boring as shit.

Biggest movie cliché: Wacky spring break antics.

Favorite quotes: “Let’s go, retards.” and “Queef you later!” They don’t really need context.

Say a nice thing: Gotta admire a coach who’s willing to walk into the locker room unannounced.

Say a mean thing: Franny looks like Selena Gomez’s jealous, coke-addicted, older (much older) sister.

MFK: Marry Zoe. Fuck Michelle. Kill…Whitney, maybe? None of them are particularly murderable.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: What marching band do you know has zero fat ugly dykes?

Final review: Joke-wise, the movie didn’t bat very well. When you take that many swings, you’re bound to miss. A lot. I did laugh a couple of times though, which is a couple more times than I would have expected. The lesson The Asylum should learn from this movie is, when you don’t give a shit about making a quality film, make it a silly comedy. That way, all of the many, many mistakes and terrible editing won’t distract the viewer. “I can’t be mad, it’s obvious they don’t care!” Oh, and show a lot of attractive women, wearing little to no clothing. Always helps.

Ranking:

3 bees

13/13/13

Title: 13/13/13

Director: James Cullen Bressack

Writer: James Cullen Bressack

Starring: Trae Ireland, Erin Coker, a lot of terrible actors

Year released: 2013

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Let’s just get this over with…

Their synopsis: Blah blah Mayans blah, “Now we are in the 13th month of the 13th year of the new millennium, and the few who survive will battle a world of demons.”

My synopsis: A bunch of people who are zombies or something get angry, curse, then laugh. Except for this one guy and a nurse because they’re leap year babies.

Quick review: Incomprehensibly stupid. Embarrassingly acted.

Pros: A pedophile was murdered by a child.

Cons: That fat, tattooed piece of shit wants to be Nick Frost so badly.

Biggest movie cliché: Bad guys always turn on each other at the most inopportune times.

Favorite quote: “We found the deserter!” Said by a crazy guy right before he shoots the main characters daughter in the head. It was easily the best part of the movie. Sorta like when Liam Neeson shoots that guy’s wife in Taken.

Say a nice thing: It appears as though this Asylum trilogy predates the Mega Shark trilogy. I was wrong.

Say a racist thing: That black guy was hanging out with too many white people for my liking.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Quentin’s roadkill game doesn’t appear to make any sense.

Most relatable current event: A black cop kills a bunch of white people. #JusticefortheZombies

Final review: The final 15-20 minutes or so are surprisingly un-horrible. Getting there is the problem. Past the remarkably razor-thin plot, godawful acting, glaring inaccuracies, etc. That it had a “writer” is strange to me. Just letting the actors talk as themselves would have been more convincing. They sure as shit can’t act; I think it would’ve been worth a shot. Bottom line, this is not a well-made film.

Ranking:

1.5 bees

100° Below Zero

Title: 100° Below Zero

Director: R.D. Braunstein

Writer: H. Perry Horton, Richard Schenkman

Starring: Jeff Fahey, Sara Malakul Lane, Marc Ewins, Judit Fekete

Year released: 2013

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Sara Malakul Lane. (Yes, again.)

Their synopsis: “When a series of volcanic eruptions rips through Europe, the subsequent ash cloud blocks out the sun, plunging the continent into a new ice age.”

My synopsis: People covered with varying amounts of fake snow acting in front of a green screen.

Quick(est) review: Eh.

Notice something: Is Jeff Fahey only in movies where it gets cold?

Pros: Sara Malakul’s low rise jeans. John Rhys-Davies (Sallah from the Indiana Jones franchise) as Colonel Dillard is quite good.

Cons: No one ever actually seems cold.

Biggest movie cliché: The Eiffel Tower being destroyed.

Say a nice thing: For a film called 100° Below Zero, I admire how long the filmmakers managed to keep Sara Malakul in her low-cut t-shirt.

Say a mean thing: There’s no way those guys in the tunnel wouldn’t have murdered Ryan and raped the two girls.

Say a creepy thing: Taryn and Ryan should keep warm by going inside and making brother sister porn.

Least favorite quote: “Well, it is a time for new beginnings. For all of us.” The movie ends on this quote. Ew.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Worst. “Teleconference.” Ever. Those people clearly just won an internet contest to have a line in the film. Also, why is “shortcut” the only English word the cute French girl knows?

Final review: For a movie about an impending ice age and the end of European civilization, there never really seems to be a sense of danger. The typical action set pieces are there (helicopter falling out of the sky, locked doors on a car that’s about to blow up) and the music’s tempo rises, but then…nothing. Nothing but misplaced, trivial banter. “Oh. We’re ok, I guess.” “Next time let’s go to Hawaii!” Zing! The film’s major sin is that it’s boring. Not crushingly so, just boringly so. And for some the reason the green screen scenes are especially bad. It’s bemusing.

Ranking:

2 bees

12/12/12

Title: 12/12/12

Director: Jared Cohn

Writer: Jared Cohn

Starring: Sara Malakul Lane, Jesus Guevara, Steve Hanks

Year released: 2012

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Sequel to 11/11/11, the previous post. Normally, I go away from a series, then revisit it later, because that’s the illogical way I like to do things. This film, however, features Sara Malakul Lane, so I want to watch tit it.

Their synopsis: “When baby Sebastian is born on 12/12/12 everyone around him starts to die. Soon, his mother realizes that her son in the spawn of Hell.”

My synopsis: It’s like The Happening, except a devil baby is global warming. (And if you think that sounds stupid, try watching the movie.)

Quick review: I’m including a few pictures. Without them, you would think I was lying. Dumber. Than. Fuck.

Pros: At 1:14, a new record in “Start to Tits” time for The Asylum.

Cons: A black woman picked up a white baby and instantly became Jamaican. I’m not offended by the racism; I’m offended by the stupidity.

Biggest movie cliché: Psh, obviously when the newborn baby ate his mother’s pussy. Typical Hollywood…

Describe the opening birth scene: Other than the acting, it seemed very realistic. (And gross.) That was until the tiny satan baby murdered the doctor with its umbilical cord, and strangled the nurse to death with its teeny bare hands. It was embarrassingly, laughably awful.

Say a nice thing: Props on losing the baby weight so quickly. Six days? Impressive.

Say a mean thing: How are you letting a baby kill you? It’s a fucking baby! Just step on its soft little head!

Biggest suspension of disbelief: So I guess 12 is the devil’s number now? Why does the devil need so many numbers and/or children to be born into?

Biggest disappointment: It took me until now to realize Sara Malakul’s tits are fake. Good fakes, but still…

Final review: I have no earthly idea what Jared Cohn thought he was doing with this film. It’s inane. I’m talking mind-bogglingly retarded. And serious! If he’d made this movie a comedy, it’d be the greatest thing The Asylum ever did! Unfortunately, only about 15 minutes are watchable. The rest of it is just a mindless, meandering mess.

Ranking:

1 bee

11/11/11

Title: 11/11/11

Director: Keith Allan

Writer: Kiff Scholl, Keith Allan

Starring: Jon Briddell, Erin Coker, Hayden Byerly

Year released: 2011

Their synopsis: “Jack and Melissa are frightened by their son’s bizarre and violent behavior; they soon learn that he is the gateway to the Apocalypse, and it will happen on his birthday, 11-11-11.”

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening, post-synopsis): If this movie is about jesus, I’m going to be fucking pissed.

My synopsis: Some kid who has stupid parents is apparently the devil. (Just take him out of town for a few days. Crisis averted.)

Quick review: I get it. Elevens are bad. The movie’s not much better.

Pros: Madonna Magee or Lena La Fratta or whatever her name is, she was a great creepy old lady. Also, I want that ‘Being 11’ book. Any book that (incorrectly) teaches kids about the Knights Templar and 9/11 has to be a good read.

Cons: I hate how the kid not talking is supposed to be mysterious. Jack is a terrible father and husband.

Biggest movie cliché: Why’s the devil always a bad guy?

Say a nice thing: Denise is the best nanny ever. Hot and violent!

Say a mean thing: I would put a bag over her head and fuck the shit outta Melissa.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Is 11 really the devil’s number? Cause I’ve never heard of this.

Most relatable current event: I’ve read numerous tales of white guys going crazy and killing their whole family, but a black gentleman? We truly are in a post-racial America.

Final review: It’s as predictable as a horror movie can get, but it wasn’t so bad. Pretty sure Keith Allan didn’t win any awards for his writing or directing, but it’s a fairly cohesive story with a good amount of violence and some solid performances. If it was only a little smarter, I probably would’ve liked it. I didn’t find it suspenseful or frightening, but it’s difficult to get into movies where ‘the devil’ is the bad guy, anyway. The supernatural just doesn’t do it for me. Demons and ghosts aren’t scary because they’re not real. Overall though, an admirable attempt.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Sharknado 2: The Second One

Title: Sharknado 2: The Second One

Director: Anthony C. Ferrante

Writer: Thunder Levin

Starring: Ian Ziering, Vivica A. Fox, Mark McGrath, Tara Reid

Year released: 2014

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): “When the sequel comes out later this year, I look forward to seeing if anyone gives two fucks.” I wrote that referring to Sharknado 2, in my review of the first Sharknado, and it seems that people indeed gave some fucks. (Albeit temporarily. Again.) Based on what I’ve heard and read, I can’t decide whether Sharknado 2: The Second One will be genuinely awesome, or meta-joke hell.

Their synopsis: “It came, it saw, it tore s#@t up!”

My synopsis: Multiple sharknados converge upon a Seinfeldian Manhattan (meaning there are too many white people) threatening to destroy the metropolis.

Quick review: Not even one iota of a good goddamn was given in the creation and production of this movie, and I generally mean that in a good way.

Pros: Tara Reid’s saw hand. Other things as amusingly silly.

Cons: The Sharknado song stinks. Product placement out the asshole.

Best cameo: Robert Kline, the mayor, was talking to Kurt Angle, the…fireman? Cop? Also, Robert Hays from Airplane! was the pilot in the (surprisingly not terrible) opening sequence.

Worst cameo: Downtown Julie Brown looks like a Pachycephalosaurus wearing a wig.

Say a sassy thing: The sharks aren’t the only ones flaming in New York, girl! *Finger snap!*

Say a mean thing: I wish every dumb cunt that rode their bike on the sidewalk in NYC got squashed by a whale shark.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: How does a jew write about New York City so poorly?

Final review: Going in, I thought Sharknado 2 was going to be terrible or great. I’m somewhat disappointed that it’s neither of those, but it was indeed good. Nonsensical, self-aware, wacky, and good. There was some relative star power for an Asylum movie, and most of the celebrity cameos were well done. The ending is literally too stupid to be described, so I won’t even try. It must be seen to be…believed, I guess.

I read that at nearly four million viewers, this movie broke a few Syfy ratings records, which can only mean one thing… Get ready for Sharknado 3.

Ranking:

3 bees