12 Disasters

Title: 12 Disasters (Also known as: The 12 Disasters of Christmas)

Director: Steven R. Monroe

Writer: Sydney Roper, Rudy Thauberger

Starring: Magda Apanowicz, Ed Quinn, Roark Critchlow (Stupid name.)

Year released: 2012

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Why does CineTel Films always try and take the word ‘Christmas’ out of their titles?

Their synopsis: “When Jacey is told she is the ‘chosen’ one, she soon realizes that she is the only one who has the power to stop the impending doom. Using an ancient book of Mayan prophecies, Jacey and her father must figure out how to stop the twelve disasters that begin the countdown to the end of the world!”

My synopsis: A teenage girl’s crazy grandparents turn out to be soothsayers, and now she has to save the town she secretly thinks is totes lame and, like, totally can’t wait to get away from! Gawd!

Quick review: Goddammit. I wanted to like this, but they overdid it.

Pros: The acting had no right being as good as it was.

Cons: “BIBLICAL NAMES! WE ALL HAVE BIBLICAL NAMES BEFITTING OUR CHARACTERS!! GET IT?! DO YOU FUCKING GET IT YET?!?!”

Biggest movie cliché: The bad guy survives an impossible-to-survive situation, and returns to muck up the works.

Say a nice thing: Not as overtly jesusy as I was expecting. Thank god!

Say a creepy thing: I wish Jacey would climb all over my face.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Why’d they bring up Machu Picchu? That’s Incan, not fucking Mayan.

Most relatable current event: Jesus has returned! It’s a miracle!

Final review: Finally! A movie that seamlessly ties together Christianity, the Mayan civilization, and an English Christmas carol! Seriously though, with a little focus, this film might’ve actually been good. A little subtlety with the jesus angle, get rid of the Christmas carol nonsense entirely, and you’ve got a decent disaster flick. It’s hilarious (Unintentionally, I’m pretty sure.) how fast 12 Disasters escalates, but despite its graceless beginning, the movie boasts an impressive, dare I say exciting, pace. Unfortunately, the filmmakers seemed to think the audience wouldn’t understand who was good and who was evil, so it repeatedly, and obnoxiously, sledgehammered the already obvious point home. I really did want to like this movie. The film’s poster has a cross on it, yet I was enjoying it! Do you know how surprising that is?! The negatives just barely outweigh the positives. So close to a coveted three star bee rating.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

13/13/13

Title: 13/13/13

Director: James Cullen Bressack

Writer: James Cullen Bressack

Starring: Trae Ireland, Erin Coker, a lot of terrible actors

Year released: 2013

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Let’s just get this over with…

Their synopsis: Blah blah Mayans blah, “Now we are in the 13th month of the 13th year of the new millennium, and the few who survive will battle a world of demons.”

My synopsis: A bunch of people who are zombies or something get angry, curse, then laugh. Except for this one guy and a nurse because they’re leap year babies.

Quick review: Incomprehensibly stupid. Embarrassingly acted.

Pros: A pedophile was murdered by a child.

Cons: That fat, tattooed piece of shit wants to be Nick Frost so badly.

Biggest movie cliché: Bad guys always turn on each other at the most inopportune times.

Favorite quote: “We found the deserter!” Said by a crazy guy right before he shoots the main characters daughter in the head. It was easily the best part of the movie. Sorta like when Liam Neeson shoots that guy’s wife in Taken.

Say a nice thing: It appears as though this Asylum trilogy predates the Mega Shark trilogy. I was wrong.

Say a racist thing: That black guy was hanging out with too many white people for my liking.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Quentin’s roadkill game doesn’t appear to make any sense.

Most relatable current event: A black cop kills a bunch of white people. #JusticefortheZombies

Final review: The final 15-20 minutes or so are surprisingly un-horrible. Getting there is the problem. Past the remarkably razor-thin plot, godawful acting, glaring inaccuracies, etc. That it had a “writer” is strange to me. Just letting the actors talk as themselves would have been more convincing. They sure as shit can’t act; I think it would’ve been worth a shot. Bottom line, this is not a well-made film.

Ranking:

1.5 bees

Snakes on a Train

Title: Snakes on a Train

Director: Peter Mervis

Writer: Eric Forsberg

Starring: Alby Castro, Julia Ruiz, Giovanni Bejarano

Year released: 2006

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I am an unabashed SOAP fan. When Snakes on a Plane first came out, I was so excited to see it I went to a late Thursday night showing. I had a lovely time. I also own this same shirt.

Their synopsis: “Under a powerful Mayan curse, snakes are hatched inside a young woman…With only hours to live, she jumps on a train headed for Los Angeles.”

My synopsis: Dirty, filthy immigrants illegally board a train to Los Angeles, and the least frightening snakes ever somehow terrify the passengers.

Quick review: It was more annoying than anything else.

Pros: The acting was mostly fine.

Cons: There had to have been a less terrible way to get to “snakes on a train.” How did ‘a sick Mexican woman vomits them up with Jell-O’ make the final cut?

Biggest movie cliché: All of the character pairings.

Most relatable current event: Twenty minutes into the film, I wanted this to happen.

Say a nice thing: The only person I rooted for was the balding divorced guy. I was hoping he’d get to bang the similarly divorced hottie. Seemed like he needed it.

Say a racist thing: Stop fucking chanting, you greasy wetback!

Biggest suspension of disbelief: There were no rattlesnakes. Not a single goddamn one. So stop with the fucking sound effect already!

Final review: We all have our “snakes.” I get it. Inner demons, right? How clever, yet also completely ham-handed and utterly irrelevant to the overall plot. Snakes on a Plane knew what it was, and it delivered. The Asylum actually tried to give a film called Snakes on a Train depth and sobriety. Why?! It’s not what they do well! (Not that they really do anything well, but still.) It reminds me of a movie I’m making called Kronosaurus vs Mega Platypus. It’s about a Lebanese teenager’s identity crisis, brought on by the sexual abuse of his adoptive mother. In one pivotal scene, the scientist says to the Lebanese teen, Bashir, “The platypus may feel isolated because of its unusual background.” Then Bashir makes a sad face and looks at the ground. Oh, and at some point the giant platypus fights a Kronosaurus.

Ranking:

1.5 bees

2012: Doomsday

Title: 2012: Doomsday

Director: Nick Everhart

Writer: Nick Everhart, Naomi L. Selfman

Starring: people

Year released: 2008

Their synopsis: “In the days leading up to December 21, 2012, four strangers are mysteriously drawn to an ancient temple in the Mexican jungle.”

My synopsis: People in multiple cities across North America combat the impending apocalypse with varying levels of jesusiness.

Quick review: A jesusy version of that dumb Roland Emmerich film, with some Close Encounters of the Third Kind thievery thrown in for good measure.

Pros: Leafcutter ants. I wish this whole movie was 90 minutes of leafcutter ants.

Cons: Six minutes in and there was already a goddamn crucifix. I knew it was gonna be rough.

Biggest movie cliché: The EMT has lost her faith in god, but I’m willing to bet she’ll find it again by the end of the film. (Spoiler alert: she did.)

Say a nice thing: I wouldn’t want a few of the actors to fall down an elevator shaft.

Say a mean thing: I wish an actual “Doomsday” would have happened in the middle of this shitty film so I didn’t have to finish it.

Say a meaner thing: I want that fucking old bitch to die.

Say a racist thing: The Mayans are a stupid race of people.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Do I have to say it again? There’s no god. It’s 2014. Can we all stop pretending? Please?

Most relatable current event: That movie about sexy jesus.

Final review: Fuck this movie, god, and jesus. Seriously, this movie made me so angry. It’s The Apocalypse with a different cast. It’s garbage. A series of ham-handed, preachy conversations about how awesome god is, and if you don’t believe it then there’s something wrong with you. Whether you believe in god or not, this movie will insult your intelligence and make you want to kick jesus right in the cunt.

Ranking:

0 bees