2012: Doomsday

Title: 2012: Doomsday

Director: Nick Everhart

Writer: Nick Everhart, Naomi L. Selfman

Starring: people

Year released: 2008

Their synopsis: “In the days leading up to December 21, 2012, four strangers are mysteriously drawn to an ancient temple in the Mexican jungle.”

My synopsis: People in multiple cities across North America combat the impending apocalypse with varying levels of jesusiness.

Quick review: A jesusy version of that dumb Roland Emmerich film, with some Close Encounters of the Third Kind thievery thrown in for good measure.

Pros: Leafcutter ants. I wish this whole movie was 90 minutes of leafcutter ants.

Cons: Six minutes in and there was already a goddamn crucifix. I knew it was gonna be rough.

Biggest movie cliché: The EMT has lost her faith in god, but I’m willing to bet she’ll find it again by the end of the film. (Spoiler alert: she did.)

Say a nice thing: I wouldn’t want a few of the actors to fall down an elevator shaft.

Say a mean thing: I wish an actual “Doomsday” would have happened in the middle of this shitty film so I didn’t have to finish it.

Say a meaner thing: I want that fucking old bitch to die.

Say a racist thing: The Mayans are a stupid race of people.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Do I have to say it again? There’s no god. It’s 2014. Can we all stop pretending? Please?

Most relatable current event: That movie about sexy jesus.

Final review: Fuck this movie, god, and jesus. Seriously, this movie made me so angry. It’s The Apocalypse with a different cast. It’s garbage. A series of ham-handed, preachy conversations about how awesome god is, and if you don’t believe it then there’s something wrong with you. Whether you believe in god or not, this movie will insult your intelligence and make you want to kick jesus right in the cunt.

Ranking:

0 bees

Monster

Title: Monster

Director: Erik Estenberg

Writer: Erik Estenberg, David Michael Latt

Starring: Sarah Lieving, Erin Evans

Year released: 2008

Their synopsis: “Footage of a catastrophic event in Japan reveals that it wasn’t actually an earthquake…it was something else.”

My synopsis: They tried to do Cloverfield in Japan, and oh my god did they fail. Failed on the highest level.

Quick review: First of all, worst title ever. Secondly, I love monster movies. One of my absolute favorite genres, especially in the B-movie category. But I hated the holy shit outta this garbage.

Pros: Clearly they’re not pros. They’re amateurs. Rank amateurs.

Cons: It seems that to try and establish a sense of realism, Latt, Lynch, and Sullivan decided to either not use a script, or use a very skeletal script. That’s a risky choice, particularly when none of them has any discernible filmmaking talent. Painful.

Biggest movie cliché: America being blamed for shit, I guess. And Asians being depicted as though they’re from another planet.

Say a nice thing: I liked that they got hurt and later died. Too bad it didn’t actually happen.

Say a mean thing: I wish that instead of Japan, Sarah and Erin went to Aruba to make a movie and met Joran van der Sloot.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: I’d sooner believe Kraken lives in my asshole than half of the shit that goes on in this utter miscue of a film. There was zero quality control.

Most relatable current event: Whatever earthquake happened most recently.

Final review: I was just so disappointed with this mess of a film. I think they were trying, but that almost makes it worse. Overacting, underacting, bad acting. Mindless editing. Truly abysmal.

Ranking:

0 bees

Fuck this movie.