The Apocalypse

Title: The Apocalypse

Director: Justin Jones

Writer: Carlos De Los Rios, David Michael Latt

Starring: Rhett Giles, Jill Stapley

Year released: 2007

Their synopsis: “A mother and father search for their only child as a giant asteroid headed for Earth triggers a series of apocalyptic events.”

My synopsis: Too many people blathering on about an imaginary sky monster, not enough shit blowing up.

Quick review (of the first 2.5 minutes): A minute and a half in, a guy gets hit in the chest with a meteor. Thirty seconds later, another guy gets decapitated. So far it’s awesome. Fifteen seconds later, the worst fake fall in cinema history leads to a guy being vaporized on a meteor. It’s just a rock. It doesn’t make any sense at all. Totally ruined the opening.

Pros: The 8-year-old girl was the best actor in the film. If she runs away from Faith Films and The Asylum as fast as she can, she’ll do alright.

Cons: Really shitty lighting in this movie.

Biggest movie cliché: Pretending heaven is real.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Everyone in this movie believes in god, but that’s ridiculous because we all know god doesn’t exist. It being a goddy film also explains why they got so much science wrong.

And another thing, I hate when people are supposed to be brushing their teeth in films/commercials/whatever, but aren’t doing anything except scraping a dry brush atop their molars. It’s almost as silly as believing in god.

Say a nice thing: At one point, a road that’s supposed to be a highway has a sign that says “Speed Limit 15” and that was really funny. I also laughed every time the main character accidentally slipped into his Australian accent.

Say a what-most-would-consider-mean thing: Even if there was a god, I wouldn’t worship it. Cause seriously, fuck god.

Favorite cameo: Shaley Scott made an appearance! She wasn’t nearly as entertaining.

Least favorite cameo: Erica Roby. Booooo.

Most relatable current event: This photo.

Final review: As much god nonsense as there was in this, which annoys me to no end, I’d rather watch this with a congregation of nosy born-agains than watch Monster one more time.

Ranking:

.5 bee