Almighty Thor

Title: Almighty Thor

Director: Christopher (Douglas-Olen) Ray

Writer: Erik Estenberg

Starring: Cody Deal, Richard Grieco, Patricia Velasquez

Year released: 2011

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): The last movie I watched written by Erik Estenberg was Monster. Off to a bad start already.

Their synopsis: “When the demon god Loki destroys the fortress of Valhalla and steals the Hammer of Invincibility, only the young hero Thor can protect Earth from armageddon.”

My synopsis: Just about the worst goddamn interpretation of Norse mythology you’ll ever find.

Quick review: We may be able to control our own fate, but nobody can control the direction of this meandering dogshit.

Pros: I love Marta! She was great in El Amor Prohibido. Should’ve won the Desi.

Cons: I swear to christ the opening has been used in like nine other Asylum films. And why is there an uzi?

Biggest movie cliché: The whole fucking thing. The hero is worthy, but not quite ready. Courageous, yet immature. He is trained by so-and-so, needs to blah blah blah, and so on. Jesus god…

Say a silly thing: Kevin Nash, perhaps best known as the co-founder of nWo, plays Odin even better than dumb ol’ Anthony Hopkins!

Say a mean thing: I’ve only just learned that “Erik Estenberg” is the same person as “Eric Forsberg.” As if I didn’t already want to decapitate that sneaky jew with a shovel…

Say another mean thing: The fight coordinator for this film should be beaten to death like Gaddafi.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Cody Deal playing the lead. Shane Van Dyke very clearly should have played Thor.

Most relatable current event: In the lead-up to Infinity War, James Gunn is awfully high on the new Captain America.

Final review: It’s kind of hard to tell whether the writing is making the actors worse, or if the actors are making the writing worse. Either way, it’s still worse. I mean, my god is it worse… In one supposedly emotional scene, where Thor is realizing he may not have all the answers, some lady pushing her kid in a stroller wanders into the shot, and stares at the camera. This seriously fucking happens. Sixty-three minutes into the movie. AND THEY LEFT IT IN!!! Are you kidding me?! I honestly cannot tell if anyone involved in Almighty Thor is even trying, or if this is the best they can do. They should all feel bad about themselves regardless.

Ranking:

1.5 bees

12 Disasters

Title: 12 Disasters (Also known as: The 12 Disasters of Christmas)

Director: Steven R. Monroe

Writer: Sydney Roper, Rudy Thauberger

Starring: Magda Apanowicz, Ed Quinn, Roark Critchlow (Stupid name.)

Year released: 2012

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Why does CineTel Films always try and take the word ‘Christmas’ out of their titles?

Their synopsis: “When Jacey is told she is the ‘chosen’ one, she soon realizes that she is the only one who has the power to stop the impending doom. Using an ancient book of Mayan prophecies, Jacey and her father must figure out how to stop the twelve disasters that begin the countdown to the end of the world!”

My synopsis: A teenage girl’s crazy grandparents turn out to be soothsayers, and now she has to save the town she secretly thinks is totes lame and, like, totally can’t wait to get away from! Gawd!

Quick review: Goddammit. I wanted to like this, but they overdid it.

Pros: The acting had no right being as good as it was.

Cons: “BIBLICAL NAMES! WE ALL HAVE BIBLICAL NAMES BEFITTING OUR CHARACTERS!! GET IT?! DO YOU FUCKING GET IT YET?!?!”

Biggest movie cliché: The bad guy survives an impossible-to-survive situation, and returns to muck up the works.

Say a nice thing: Not as overtly jesusy as I was expecting. Thank god!

Say a creepy thing: I wish Jacey would climb all over my face.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Why’d they bring up Machu Picchu? That’s Incan, not fucking Mayan.

Most relatable current event: Jesus has returned! It’s a miracle!

Final review: Finally! A movie that seamlessly ties together Christianity, the Mayan civilization, and an English Christmas carol! Seriously though, with a little focus, this film might’ve actually been good. A little subtlety with the jesus angle, get rid of the Christmas carol nonsense entirely, and you’ve got a decent disaster flick. It’s hilarious (Unintentionally, I’m pretty sure.) how fast 12 Disasters escalates, but despite its graceless beginning, the movie boasts an impressive, dare I say exciting, pace. Unfortunately, the filmmakers seemed to think the audience wouldn’t understand who was good and who was evil, so it repeatedly, and obnoxiously, sledgehammered the already obvious point home. I really did want to like this movie. The film’s poster has a cross on it, yet I was enjoying it! Do you know how surprising that is?! The negatives just barely outweigh the positives. So close to a coveted three star bee rating.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

San Andreas Quake

Title: San Andreas Quake

Director: John Baumgartner

Writer: John Baumgartner

Starring: Jhey Castles, Lane Townsend, Grace Van Dien, Jason Woods

Year released: 2015

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): GVD!

Their synopsis: “When a discredited L.A. Seismologist warns of an impending 12.7 earthquake, no one takes her seriously. Now on her own, she races desperately to get her family to safety…”

My synopsis: A seismologist (lowercase ‘s’) finds out her daughter is dating a black guy and is absolutely not cool with it. I mean, she doesn’t say that, but I could tell… Oh, and LA is being destroyed by massive earthquakes.

Quick review: The exact movie you expect it to be. No more, no less.

Pros: An Edison slam. I like a pro-Tesla film.

Cons: Honest to god, whose idea was the hippo attack? Because why?

Biggest movie cliché: White ladies falling down while being chased.

Favorite quote: “Four-way!” Gay guys are always requesting orgies.

Say a mean thing: That’s not your son, lady. That’s a fat, dead Mexican man.

Say another mean thing: Somebody needs to push that chatty old bitch into a chasm.

Say more horrible things: If I was trapped on that elevator with Grace Van Dien, I’d murder the old people and impregnate her. And Nick probably drives around the US raping children in the back of his van.

Least favorite quote: “Hold onto your butts.” Asshole Sam Jackson thieves.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: I don’t want to sound racist, but I can’t believe Ali would date that terrible, big-lipped jigaboo.

Most relatable current event: Life imitates art.

Final review: I don’t know if it was the movie’s racism or mine, but here’s a rundown of James Woods’ character in the film. A black guy who dates a white girl, doesn’t know his father, can’t take care of his car, steals another car, kills some other white lady, and at one point is accused of having a gun. On the other hand, he is making his own way through college to be a seismologist, so I guess he’s not a total stereotype. Still, I should be dating Grace Van Dien’s character, not him. Although I have to say, more a fan of her in Sleeping Beauty than this. Surprisingly, I’m not digging her overly-made-up “rebellious teen” look. …This isn’t much of a film review, is it? Pretty judgmental all around today. More of an indictment on me than the movie, really. …I need a girlfriend…

Ranking:

2.5 bees

 

Megafault

Title: Megafault

Director: David Michael Latt

Writer: Paul Bales

Starring: Brittany Murphy, Eriq La Salle

Year released: 2009

Their synopsis: “A seismologist and a miner must stop a massive earthquake that threatens to tear the world in half.”

My synopsis: “Scientists” try to stop an earthquake by creating another earthquake. Unsurprisingly, this plan backfires.

Quick review: Premise is a bit……shaky. And it’s dull.

Pros: Brittany Murphy was so cute. Why can’t only ugly people die early?

Cons: Why in christ’s name would you leave your kid alone with a trucker? Dan Lane is a terrible father, with a boring name.

Biggest movie cliché: Just outracing an earthquake. Stopping to rubberneck amidst running for your life.

Say a mean thing: Had I recently watched myself in this horseshit, I would have taken a bunch of pills too.

Say a racist thing: Brittany Murphy is a coal-burning race traitor.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Not one human being of importance would be slightly upset if Lexington, Kentucky sank into the earth.

Most relatable current event: #BlackLivesMatter, just not as much as #WhiteLives do, apparently.

Final review: The majority of Megafault takes place in the American Midwest, which is really a perfect representation of this film. Large stretches of nothingness, with mildly interesting stops along the way. And it’s about family. Specifically, white families. It is a foregone conclusion that Brittany Murphy’s underdeveloped character (one of many) and her family will be happily reunited at the end of the movie, so there are no stakes during the tedious, repetitive action sequences. Overall, it’s the kind of Asylum film you’ve seen a hundred times before. Unless, unlike me, you have anything better to do with your time.

Ranking:

2 bees

Apocalypse Pompeii

Title: Apocalypse Pompeii

Director: Ben Demaree

Writer: Steve Bevilacqua, Jacob Cooney, Bill Hanstock

Starring: Adrian Paul, Jhey Castles, Georgina Beedle

Year released: 2014

Their synopsis: “…Mt. Vesuvius erupts with massive force…[a] family fights to survive the deadly onslaught of heat and lava…”

My synopsis: A family that would never exist in real life vacations in Pompeii, has terrible timing.

Quick review: How do you say ‘bland’ in Italian?

Pros: After this film was over, I took an awesome nap.

Cons: A note for The Asylum: Hire better actors, or limit your actors’ emotional ranges.

Biggest movie cliché: Everything regarding the dad being former black ops.

Say a nice thing: That Pierce family sure is an attractive bunch.

Say a mean thing: What in god’s name is on your face, Gianni? It’s disgusting.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Can’t we predict these things now?

Most relatable current event: “Damn! Mount Vesuvius’s pyroclastic flow is R-A-W, R-A-W.” What Ice Cube would have said, were he there. (Cause NWA, get it?)

Final review: The paper-thin characters aren’t even remotely believable, and only exist for the purpose of this film. The daughter who fetishizes volcanoes has a super dad who did vaguely badass stuff in black ops. Sure, that’s relatable… This movie is an example of my least favorite kind of Asylum film. It’s not any good, but it doesn’t suck quite enough to be entertaining. Nothing of interest happens, so I can’t really pull anything from it. At least this snoozer had the decency to be atrocious.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Mega Shark vs Kolossus

Title: Mega Shark vs Kolossus

Director: Christopher (Douglas-Olen) Ray

Writer: Edward DeRuiter

Starring: Illeana Douglas, Amy Rider, Edward DeRuiter

Year released: 2015

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Whatever happened to Ace Hannah/Jack Perez?

Their synopsis: “In search of a new energy source, Russia accidentally reawakens the Kolossus…At the same time, a new Mega Shark appears, threatening global security. Now the world must figure out how to stop the deadly giants before they destroy everything on land AND sea.”

My synopsis: Yet again, Mega Shark returns, and a new approach to defeating it is conceived. Spoiler alert! It doesn’t work.

Quick review: A step back for the storied Mega Shark franchise.

Pros: The Unicorn Squadron’s uniforms are terrific. And it was funny when Mega Shark blew up jesus. (Team Unicorn is apparently a thing. Who knew?)

Cons: Kolossus is a shitty versee. Also, were the subtitles for the foreigners, who were speaking perfect English, a reference to something? If not, it was just racist.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Fake Sam Jackson. Fuck you, Asylum.

Least favorite quote: For christ’s sake, stop calling it a “Megalodon.” It’s not a Megalodon. Megalodons had a limited size and would not have been impenetrable to missiles. It’s a fucking Mega Shark or it’s nothing!

Say a nice thing: Kolossus threw Mega Shark into space. Yes, it happened, and it was awesome.

Say a mean thing: The editing, especially for the action scenes, is fucking terrible.

Biggest movie cliché: Why does everything mechanical always have a self-destruct feature?

Most relatable current event: The summer belonged to Deep Blue.

Final review: As much as I hated fake Sam Jackson, at least it was obvious wink to the audience. As was blowing up Cristo Redentor, and distracting the giant Soviet-era robot with an enormous American flag. For some reason, however, the film would often stop enjoying its silliness, and decide that Mega Shark versus Kolossus was a subject to be taken seriously. Kolossus is easily the worst of the Mega Shark opponents. Its storyline didn’t make any sense, and was practically unnecessary. If you want Mega Shark to fight a giant robot, there are a hundred better ways to get there. As awful as Kolossus is, the actual villain of the movie is embarrassing. Another Mega Shark will be made; cross your fingers it’s something fun.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!

Title: Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!

Director: Anthony C. Ferrante

Writer: Thunder Levin

Starring: Ian Ziering, Tara Reid, Cassie Scerbo

Year released: 2015

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): A nine-year-old told me it was good. I have certain expectations because of this.

Their synopsis: “When a mass of Sharknadoes threatens America’s East Coast…Fin must again risk his life to save his children on spring break…”

My synopsis: The somehow-not-quite-depleted population of sharks on Earth gets, once again, trapped within various natural disasters that threaten America’s Atlantic coast.

Quick review: Entertaining scenes do not an entertaining movie make.

Pros: Some lucky shark literally ate Maria Menounos’s pussy.

Cons: The whole ‘shark on the roller coaster’ bit was moronic, and Fin’s astronaut song is the gayest song ever recorded.

Biggest movie cliché: Wacky celebrity cameos! So many… wacky… celebrity… cameos… Ugh.

Least favorite quote: “They’re made for each other.” They’re most certainly not, Claudia! He’s black and she’s white, for crying out loud!!

Say a nice thing: God, I’ve missed you, Nova.

Say a mean thing: Tara Reid’s mom is a cunt. Her character’s mother, that is. Not her real mom for keeping her. Well…

Biggest suspension of disbelief: A delicious teenage girl forgetting she has a cell phone.

Most relatable current event: The first of many eye-rollingly blatant product placements is Subway. Subway’s preeminent spokesperson for the last 15 years was recently outed as a pedophile.

Final review: Since Sharknado 4 is already a go, I’d like to make some suggestions to Thunder Levin, who is unclear on the concept of “oversaturation.” Lose. The. Celebrity. Cameos. David Hasselhoff (who was actually good) as Fin’s astronaut dad only works if there aren’t four thousand other celebrities preceding him. Also, write an actual movie, not just a collection of scenes. I know a cogent narrative isn’t exactly what this film’s about, but still… Kudos on the ending, though. The final ten minutes is, amazingly, more ridiculous than Sharknado 2’s finale. I was not sure that could be done. Impressively ludicrous.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Icetastrophe

Title: Icetastrophe (Also known as: Christmas Icetastrophe)

Director: Jonathan Winfrey

Writer: David Sanderson

Starring: Victor Webster, Jennifer Spence

Year released: 2014

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I like how they realized only in hindsight that calling the film Christmas Icetastrophe would limit its yearlong marketability.

Their synopsis: “This Christmas, a super frozen object is going to slam into the Earth. In the middle of a small town, and very quickly, dreams of a ‘White Christmas’ will turn into a FROZEN NIGHTMARE.”

My synopsis: I swear to god that is the official synopsis on CineTel Films’ website.

Quick review: Iceterrible. Icetragic. Icetarded. You get the idea…

Pros: Watching all these people be cold makes me want to go outside where it’s 85° and go swimming.

Cons: Worst mom names ever. Faye Ratchet and Krystal Crooge.

Biggest movie cliché: The heartless businessman who only cares about himself.

Favorite quote: This fat, bearded guy said, “Chill.” then got crushed by a large ice rock. Very Mr. Freeze-ish.

Say a nice thing: Marley Crooge is very attractive for someone named “Marley Crooge.”

Say a depressive thing: And once again, the person named Alex is left all alone…

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Nothing makes sense, but would you really expect it to? The name of the movie is Icetastrophe.

Most relatable current event: Haha, this is why you shouldn’t live up north.

Final review: First and foremost, CineTel Films is getting its own category. I mean, look at this shit. The one that really got me was Sharkansas: Women’s Prison Massacre. I cannot wait to hate/jerk off to that movie. Anyway, back to The Happening: Icicle Edition. The Day After Icemorrow. This film is relentlessly stupid. How and why people die is completely arbitrary, and scientific jargon is randomly thrown about with no conscious effort to be coherent. I’m not sure how this garbage compares to other CineTel Films productions, but I’m eager to find out.

Ranking:

2 bees

Age of Ice

Title: Age of Ice

Director: Emile Edwin Smith

Writer: Emile Edwin Smith

Starring: Barton Bund, Bailey Spry, Jules Hartley, Joe Cipriano

Year released: 2014

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Almost done with all 2014 Asylum releases.

Their synopsis: “Massive earthquakes open the Arabian tectonic plate, resulting in unstable weather and freezing temperatures…a vacationing family in Egypt must battle the rapidly cooling temperatures that usher in a new Ice Age…”

My synopsis: A guy with rage issues tries to save his family (the same family he most likely beats mercilessly) when a snowstorm hits what is clearly not the Middle East.

Quick review: Watched with a furrowed brow.

Pros: How fucking fun would it be to roll down a snow-covered Great Pyramid? Especially to do it, and miraculously not be covered in any snow whatsoever.

Cons: Visually, this movie is moronic. It’s moronic in several ways, to be sure, but its visuals really stand out as brainless.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Good thing that random Arab guy was driving a brand new (Toyota) production van so you could all fit. Also, did that fucking asshole really just throw everybody’s phones in the snow (Ruining them, obviously.) to act as some impossible-to-see-with-the-human-eye runway lights? That was so stupid.

Favorite quote: “It’s just like LAX on a Monday morning, right?” This may actually be a decent meta-joke about how embarrassingly bad the “Cairo” airport scene looks. Maybe…

Say a nice thing: I sort of enjoyed the foul-mouthed child.

Say a creepy thing: How young is Bailey Spry? Too young to say she looks delicious?

Biggest movie cliché: Suffice to say there are plenty.

Most relatable current event: Holy blue jesus has the upper northeast gotten a lot of snow.

Final review: One of the first things I did was look up where this movie was filmed, because it is most certainly not Egypt. Turns out it’s Detroit. This makes the depressive state I was in while watching the film quite apt. Zing!

Anyway, this is a weird movie. Story-wise it’s odd, as Emile Edwin Smith is constantly going out of his way to try and make the Jones family’s journey (to someplace…) more harrowing than is necessary. Every attempt fails miserably, however, because visually this is an unpleasant and unrealistic film. It’s edited very poorly, as well. It most resembles 500 MPH Storm, but is colder, somehow even dumber, and has slightly more Arabs.

Ranking:

2 bees

Air Collision

Title: Air Collision

Director: Liz Adams

Writer: Liz Adams

Starring: Too many people

Year released: 2012

Their synopsis: “When a solar storm wipes out the air traffic control system, Air Force One and a passenger jet liner are locked on a collision course in the skies above the midwest.”

My synopsis: Weather makes some aviation company become Skynet, and it tries to kill the president. (Maybe.) Carl Winslow attempts to save the day.

Quick review: Ninety minutes has never felt longer.

Pros: Turbulence causes Jordan Ladd’s shirt to slowly unbutton.

Cons: Oh my god… The constant screaming in the passenger jet scenes is enraging.

Biggest movie cliché: A hole in an airplane acting like a gigantic vacuum cleaner.

Say a creepy thing: First daughter?! I’d like to give her her first daughter!

Say a mean thing: I can’t say that I want to punch Liz Adams in the face because she’s a woman, and that would not be cool. I would like to soak her in gasoline and set her on fire, though.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Just how many satellites does this aviation company have, and why are they all crash landing in LA? Why is Joan whispering? And why is everything else in this movie so fucking retarded?

Most relatable current event: These people died in a plane crash; I watched this movie. It’s debatable who had the worst experience.

Final review: Once again, Liz Adams has made a truly abysmal film. For one, she has the inability to write. Her stories are nonsense, there’s too much going on, and the dialogue is completely unbelievable. She also allows too many actors to be given screen time, which is a problem because the only shitty actors The Asylum can afford to hire are really, really shitty. Artificial intelligence taking over is a staple of sci-fi films, but this is so clumsily done, that it never even borders on interesting or conceivable. In fact, I’m probably giving Liz Adams more credit than she deserves, as I’m not even sure that’s what she tried to do. I think the AI takeover scenario is me trying to make sense of the godawful mess I was watching. The computer system could have been trying to save the president. Who the fuck knows? Basically, Air Collision is a terrible, horseshit movie, with absolutely no focus. And a guy opens a door with a spoon. So yeah, fuck it.

Ranking:

.5 bee