Barely Legal

Title: Barely Legal

Director: Jose Montesinos

Writer: Naomi L. Selfman

Starring: Jeneta St. Clair, Melissa Johnston, Lisa Younger

Year released: 2011

Their synopsis: “Sue, Cheryl, and Lexi–all freshman in college–have been friends forever…Every year, they do something special to celebrate their birthday, and this year, on their eighteenth, they’re determined to lose their virginity.”

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening, post-synopsis): They’re “all freshman in college.” I think this gives you some idea of the level of intelligent filmmaking we’re going to be witnessing.

My synopsis: A whore, a prude, and a retarded Anna Faris throw a pool party in an attempt to lose their virginity. Had they simply had sex with each other, they could have made a much better film, and saved money on decorations.

Quick review: Not terrible. Fairly sexy.

Pros: Making fun of the visually-impaired. Goes by quickly.

Cons: There’s no way this movie took more than 37 hours to film.

Biggest movie cliché: Some type of teenage sex pact.

Favorite quote: “I’m blind, you fucking asshole.”

Say a nice thing: Lexi’s a goddamn champion.

Say a mean thing: Chris is very clearly a fag.

Say a creepy thing: ‘Barely legal’ isn’t even 18 in the best states.

Vulgar, unnecessary spoiler: A dog ate the shit outta some girl’s pussy.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: That the main characters are anywhere close to 17. Their daughters are already 20.

Final review: There’s no way the party Sue, Lexi, and Cheryl (When’s the last time you met an 18-year-old named Cheryl?) threw wasn’t the worst party ever. Barely Legal is a much better movie than that was a party. It’s an Asylum sex comedy that didn’t decide it needed an intricate plot line. Always a good move. One-dimensional characters finding themselves in awkward sexual situations. Comedy gold! Or not gold, exactly. Comedy pyrite. Sort of unfair to say the characters didn’t experience any personal growth, either. One realized she was dating the wrong kind of guy, one realized she is bisexual, and one became a chronic masturbator. Lessons abound.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

 

12 Disasters

Title: 12 Disasters (Also known as: The 12 Disasters of Christmas)

Director: Steven R. Monroe

Writer: Sydney Roper, Rudy Thauberger

Starring: Magda Apanowicz, Ed Quinn, Roark Critchlow (Stupid name.)

Year released: 2012

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Why does CineTel Films always try and take the word ‘Christmas’ out of their titles?

Their synopsis: “When Jacey is told she is the ‘chosen’ one, she soon realizes that she is the only one who has the power to stop the impending doom. Using an ancient book of Mayan prophecies, Jacey and her father must figure out how to stop the twelve disasters that begin the countdown to the end of the world!”

My synopsis: A teenage girl’s crazy grandparents turn out to be soothsayers, and now she has to save the town she secretly thinks is totes lame and, like, totally can’t wait to get away from! Gawd!

Quick review: Goddammit. I wanted to like this, but they overdid it.

Pros: The acting had no right being as good as it was.

Cons: “BIBLICAL NAMES! WE ALL HAVE BIBLICAL NAMES BEFITTING OUR CHARACTERS!! GET IT?! DO YOU FUCKING GET IT YET?!?!”

Biggest movie cliché: The bad guy survives an impossible-to-survive situation, and returns to muck up the works.

Say a nice thing: Not as overtly jesusy as I was expecting. Thank god!

Say a creepy thing: I wish Jacey would climb all over my face.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Why’d they bring up Machu Picchu? That’s Incan, not fucking Mayan.

Most relatable current event: Jesus has returned! It’s a miracle!

Final review: Finally! A movie that seamlessly ties together Christianity, the Mayan civilization, and an English Christmas carol! Seriously though, with a little focus, this film might’ve actually been good. A little subtlety with the jesus angle, get rid of the Christmas carol nonsense entirely, and you’ve got a decent disaster flick. It’s hilarious (Unintentionally, I’m pretty sure.) how fast 12 Disasters escalates, but despite its graceless beginning, the movie boasts an impressive, dare I say exciting, pace. Unfortunately, the filmmakers seemed to think the audience wouldn’t understand who was good and who was evil, so it repeatedly, and obnoxiously, sledgehammered the already obvious point home. I really did want to like this movie. The film’s poster has a cross on it, yet I was enjoying it! Do you know how surprising that is?! The negatives just barely outweigh the positives. So close to a coveted three star bee rating.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Battledogs

Title: Battledogs

Director: Alexander Yellen

Writer: Shane Van Dyke

Starring: Ariana Richards, Craig Sheffer, Kate Vernon, Pedro Cerrano

Year released: 2013

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Remember Battletoads? That’s instantly what I thought of.

Their synopsis: “…all of Manhattan is quarantined when the ‘Lupine virus’ spreads like wildfire, turning innocent civilians into ravenous wolves…”

My synopsis: Werewolf outbreak in a mythical New York City, where people and traffic cease to exist.

Quick review: Cliché-ridden horseshit.

Pros: Some halfway decent automotive stunt work.

Cons: Battledogs is an especially lousy title. And fuck that goddamn boat chase.

Biggest movie cliché: The government surreptitiously attempting to weaponize something unorthodox.

Best cameo: Bill Duke as President Sheridan. The word ‘Best’ is a little strong, but Bill Duke was in Predator, and that’s really all you need. Although, I am surprised Dennis Haysbert wasn’t cast as the black president. (Haysbert stunk, by the way.)

Least favorite quote: The dialogue is dreadfully unoriginal, but my least favorite line was probably when Major Hoffman threatened a soldier with being “court marshalled so fast your head will spin!”

Say a nice thing: Only realized post-screening that Ariana Richards played Lex in Jurassic Park. What a classic film.

Say a mean thing: What the fuck was Ernie Hudson talking about with the holograms, and why was every C-list black actor cast in this?

Biggest suspension of disbelief: You can’t interrupt a cell phone call with a goddamn walkie talkie.

Most relatable current event: The outbreak of Mets fever in New York City! (Soon to be cured.)

Final review: To be fair, “cliché-ridden horseshit” is an accurate description of most Asylum productions. However, there’s something particularly detestable about this film. It’s mostly just averagely shitty, yet I was very angry. I can’t quite put my finger on it. I’m not sure why I hate this movie so much, but I do. It’s not outstandingly bad, comparatively speaking. I’m repeating myself, so I’ll cut this review short. I cannot condemn this film enough, but if you happened to be trapped in a mineshaft, and it’s playing on the somehow-still-functioning television set, I think you’ll agree with me that Battledogs is the pits. Right before you suffocate and die. God… What an awful way to go. Anyway, I only hope that I haven’t reached a breaking point with the Asylum. Don’t know what I’d do with myself.

Ranking:

1.5 bees