Barely Legal

Title: Barely Legal

Director: Jose Montesinos

Writer: Naomi L. Selfman

Starring: Jeneta St. Clair, Melissa Johnston, Lisa Younger

Year released: 2011

Their synopsis: “Sue, Cheryl, and Lexi–all freshman in college–have been friends forever…Every year, they do something special to celebrate their birthday, and this year, on their eighteenth, they’re determined to lose their virginity.”

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening, post-synopsis): They’re “all freshman in college.” I think this gives you some idea of the level of intelligent filmmaking we’re going to be witnessing.

My synopsis: A whore, a prude, and a retarded Anna Faris throw a pool party in an attempt to lose their virginity. Had they simply had sex with each other, they could have made a much better film, and saved money on decorations.

Quick review: Not terrible. Fairly sexy.

Pros: Making fun of the visually-impaired. Goes by quickly.

Cons: There’s no way this movie took more than 37 hours to film.

Biggest movie cliché: Some type of teenage sex pact.

Favorite quote: “I’m blind, you fucking asshole.”

Say a nice thing: Lexi’s a goddamn champion.

Say a mean thing: Chris is very clearly a fag.

Say a creepy thing: ‘Barely legal’ isn’t even 18 in the best states.

Vulgar, unnecessary spoiler: A dog ate the shit outta some girl’s pussy.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: That the main characters are anywhere close to 17. Their daughters are already 20.

Final review: There’s no way the party Sue, Lexi, and Cheryl (When’s the last time you met an 18-year-old named Cheryl?) threw wasn’t the worst party ever. Barely Legal is a much better movie than that was a party. It’s an Asylum sex comedy that didn’t decide it needed an intricate plot line. Always a good move. One-dimensional characters finding themselves in awkward sexual situations. Comedy gold! Or not gold, exactly. Comedy pyrite. Sort of unfair to say the characters didn’t experience any personal growth, either. One realized she was dating the wrong kind of guy, one realized she is bisexual, and one became a chronic masturbator. Lessons abound.

Ranking:

2.5 bees