Zoombies

Title: Zoombies

Director: Glenn Miller

Writer: Scotty Mullen

Starring: Ione Butler, Kim Nielsen, Andrew Asper

Year released: 2016

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): The last zombie movie helmed by Glenn Miller and Scotty Mullen is arguably the least funny thing ever put to film.

Their synopsis: “When a strange virus quickly spreads through a safari park and turns all the zoo animals undead, those left in the park must stop the creatures before they escape and zombify the whole city.”

My synopsis: A strange virus quickly spreads through a “screenwriter” and turns all his wild Jurassic World fantasies into boring garbage.

Quick review: It was tirezoome. (I can make shitty puns too.)

Pros: Ione Butler has a little Zoe Saldana thing going on. I’m a big fan of that. And also the shorts she was wearing.

Cons: CGI Kifo and man-in-a-suit Kifo look remarkably different, yet, I’m not sure which one I hate more.

Biggest movie cliché: A sweet, little girl beating an undead koala to death with an aluminum bat. Per usual…

Favorite quote: “You and your family will be able to ‘monkey’ around, on a variety of kid-friendly amusements…” Not ashamed to say I laughed at this. I liked that whole commercial, really. I’d go visit Eden Wildlife Zoo.

Least favorite quote: “I’m going for the brain.” She said out of nowhere for no discernible reason.

Say a nice thing: I recognize Kim Nielsen from something.

Say a mean thing: Amber’s a cunt. (Tried and true.)

Biggest suspension of disbelief: It’s readily apparent that no one sat on an elephant during the making of this film. Or ziplined.

Most relatable current event: I haven’t been to the zoo in awhile, but I almost went to the aquarium last week. Does that count?

Final review: I know I’ve suggested Asylum name changes in the past, but ‘Squandered Potential Studios’ has an appropriately nice ring to it. Every production company and their lazy whore of a mother has to try and make a zombie movie with a slightly different take on the genre. However, I don’t hate the idea of a zombie zoo. A lot of fun to be had there. What bothers me, of course, is the inevitable Asylum-ing of an interesting premise. The story turns are ridiculous, and none of the characters behave in a way that’s even remotely believable. The lack of forethought continues to puzzle me.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Little Dead Rotting Hood

Title: Little Dead Rotting Hood

Director: Jared Cohn

Writer: Gabriel Campisi

Starring: Eric Balfour, Bianca A. Santos, Lil’ Romeo (Seriously.)

Year released: 2016

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): The first Asylum release of 2016.

Their synopsis: “Something sinister is lurking in the woods, and the residents of the small town nearby are falling victim to its bloodlust…”

My synopsis: Man vs nature vs mediocre filmmaking.

Quick review: If anyone else had played Sheriff Adam, I probably would have cut my ears off and gouged my eyes out.

Pros: Eric Balfour. His presence made most of the horseshit exposition seem plausible, and he delivered his equally terrible lines with aplomb. This would’ve been a much worse film without him.

Cons: How does Lil’ Romeo have that many acting credits? He’s awful. (I do like that denim shirt he was wearing in the beginning though.)

Biggest movie cliché: Monsters love interrupting couples mid-coitus.

Favorite quote: “You are a bitch.” Adam correctly defining his ex-wife.

Say a nice thing: Benson is an amusing secondary character.

Say a mean thing: There is absolutely no way Patrick Muldoon wasn’t coked out of his mind during every scene.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: You clearly didn’t hit play on that iPod, Jenny.

Another favorite quote: “She asked about you…She wanted to know if you were retarded.” Rita with a sick burn.

Final review: It should come as no surprise that hackneyed writer Gabriel Campisi is responsible for Jailbait, having penned 17 & Life: Jail Bait, a comic book which can be purchased for $4. I imagine shooting this movie was mentally exhausting for Eric Balfour, given the far inferior talent that surrounded him on-screen and off. He quite literally carries the film, and is the only human/wolf/werewolf in which you will have a vested interest. I hope he got paid well. Finally, as Lil’ Romeo inexplicably crawled out from whichever abyss he lay dormant to appear in Little Dead Rotting Hood, it feels appropriate to mention that children making godawful rap music used to be a popular thing. He really has led an embarrassing life.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Wuthering High

Title: Wuthering High (Also known as: Wuthering High School)

Director: Anthony DiBlasi

Writer: Delondra Williams

Starring: Paloma Kwiatkowski, Andrew Jacobs

Year released: 2015

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I’ve never read Wuthering Heights, nor do I have the desire to do so. This review will be steeped in ignorance. (Not unlike all the others.)

Their synopsis: “When the wealthy Earnshaw family of Malibu adopts Heath, a troubled teenager, daughter Cathy falls madly in love with him, embittering her rich boyfriend Eddie and the rest of their exclusive community…”

My synopsis: Wuthering Heights filtered through a Twilight lens.

Quick review: God, it’s so angsty.

Pros: Tom’s makes an appearance. Why, I’m not entirely sure. And schoolgirl uniforms.

Cons: Apparently, skateboarding makes you a rebel in 1974 2015.

Biggest movie cliché: None to be found! An amazing, completely original tale of romance between two teenagers from opposite sides of the track!

Best cameo: “What the fuck is James Caan doing here?” is a thing I said out loud.

Say a nice racist thing: Paloma is one cute polack.

Say a mean racist thing: Why would you knowingly invite a spic into your house?

Say some things that aren’t racist: Rachel Fox is fucking beautiful, and I bet it’s really hard for Francesca Eastwood to find glasses that fit her f____ac____e.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: I’m surprised nobody vomited mid-scene from an overdose of schmaltz.

Most relatable current event: While Christmas shopping, I had to leave the mall because there were too many high school girls around and I was going to get in trouble.

Final review: On one hand, the dialogue is superficial garbage. On the other, most of what teenagers say is superficial garbage, so it sort of fits. Having never read Wuthering Heights, but simultaneously knowing The Asylum’s reputation, I can only assume the original classic’s plot was butchered, then infused with angry, overacting Mexicans. So perfectly Asylum. I found this film to be wholly mediocre, but I have emotionally developed beyond that of a 14-year-old. I can understand someone actually enjoying this film, unfortunately, that someone is not me.

Also, I don’t feel great about saying Francesca Eastwood’s eyes are waaay too far apart. They’re not. She’s very pretty.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Barely Legal

Title: Barely Legal

Director: Jose Montesinos

Writer: Naomi L. Selfman

Starring: Jeneta St. Clair, Melissa Johnston, Lisa Younger

Year released: 2011

Their synopsis: “Sue, Cheryl, and Lexi–all freshman in college–have been friends forever…Every year, they do something special to celebrate their birthday, and this year, on their eighteenth, they’re determined to lose their virginity.”

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening, post-synopsis): They’re “all freshman in college.” I think this gives you some idea of the level of intelligent filmmaking we’re going to be witnessing.

My synopsis: A whore, a prude, and a retarded Anna Faris throw a pool party in an attempt to lose their virginity. Had they simply had sex with each other, they could have made a much better film, and saved money on decorations.

Quick review: Not terrible. Fairly sexy.

Pros: Making fun of the visually-impaired. Goes by quickly.

Cons: There’s no way this movie took more than 37 hours to film.

Biggest movie cliché: Some type of teenage sex pact.

Favorite quote: “I’m blind, you fucking asshole.”

Say a nice thing: Lexi’s a goddamn champion.

Say a mean thing: Chris is very clearly a fag.

Say a creepy thing: ‘Barely legal’ isn’t even 18 in the best states.

Vulgar, unnecessary spoiler: A dog ate the shit outta some girl’s pussy.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: That the main characters are anywhere close to 17. Their daughters are already 20.

Final review: There’s no way the party Sue, Lexi, and Cheryl (When’s the last time you met an 18-year-old named Cheryl?) threw wasn’t the worst party ever. Barely Legal is a much better movie than that was a party. It’s an Asylum sex comedy that didn’t decide it needed an intricate plot line. Always a good move. One-dimensional characters finding themselves in awkward sexual situations. Comedy gold! Or not gold, exactly. Comedy pyrite. Sort of unfair to say the characters didn’t experience any personal growth, either. One realized she was dating the wrong kind of guy, one realized she is bisexual, and one became a chronic masturbator. Lessons abound.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

 

12 Disasters

Title: 12 Disasters (Also known as: The 12 Disasters of Christmas)

Director: Steven R. Monroe

Writer: Sydney Roper, Rudy Thauberger

Starring: Magda Apanowicz, Ed Quinn, Roark Critchlow (Stupid name.)

Year released: 2012

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Why does CineTel Films always try and take the word ‘Christmas’ out of their titles?

Their synopsis: “When Jacey is told she is the ‘chosen’ one, she soon realizes that she is the only one who has the power to stop the impending doom. Using an ancient book of Mayan prophecies, Jacey and her father must figure out how to stop the twelve disasters that begin the countdown to the end of the world!”

My synopsis: A teenage girl’s crazy grandparents turn out to be soothsayers, and now she has to save the town she secretly thinks is totes lame and, like, totally can’t wait to get away from! Gawd!

Quick review: Goddammit. I wanted to like this, but they overdid it.

Pros: The acting had no right being as good as it was.

Cons: “BIBLICAL NAMES! WE ALL HAVE BIBLICAL NAMES BEFITTING OUR CHARACTERS!! GET IT?! DO YOU FUCKING GET IT YET?!?!”

Biggest movie cliché: The bad guy survives an impossible-to-survive situation, and returns to muck up the works.

Say a nice thing: Not as overtly jesusy as I was expecting. Thank god!

Say a creepy thing: I wish Jacey would climb all over my face.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Why’d they bring up Machu Picchu? That’s Incan, not fucking Mayan.

Most relatable current event: Jesus has returned! It’s a miracle!

Final review: Finally! A movie that seamlessly ties together Christianity, the Mayan civilization, and an English Christmas carol! Seriously though, with a little focus, this film might’ve actually been good. A little subtlety with the jesus angle, get rid of the Christmas carol nonsense entirely, and you’ve got a decent disaster flick. It’s hilarious (Unintentionally, I’m pretty sure.) how fast 12 Disasters escalates, but despite its graceless beginning, the movie boasts an impressive, dare I say exciting, pace. Unfortunately, the filmmakers seemed to think the audience wouldn’t understand who was good and who was evil, so it repeatedly, and obnoxiously, sledgehammered the already obvious point home. I really did want to like this movie. The film’s poster has a cross on it, yet I was enjoying it! Do you know how surprising that is?! The negatives just barely outweigh the positives. So close to a coveted three star bee rating.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

San Andreas Quake

Title: San Andreas Quake

Director: John Baumgartner

Writer: John Baumgartner

Starring: Jhey Castles, Lane Townsend, Grace Van Dien, Jason Woods

Year released: 2015

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): GVD!

Their synopsis: “When a discredited L.A. Seismologist warns of an impending 12.7 earthquake, no one takes her seriously. Now on her own, she races desperately to get her family to safety…”

My synopsis: A seismologist (lowercase ‘s’) finds out her daughter is dating a black guy and is absolutely not cool with it. I mean, she doesn’t say that, but I could tell… Oh, and LA is being destroyed by massive earthquakes.

Quick review: The exact movie you expect it to be. No more, no less.

Pros: An Edison slam. I like a pro-Tesla film.

Cons: Honest to god, whose idea was the hippo attack? Because why?

Biggest movie cliché: White ladies falling down while being chased.

Favorite quote: “Four-way!” Gay guys are always requesting orgies.

Say a mean thing: That’s not your son, lady. That’s a fat, dead Mexican man.

Say another mean thing: Somebody needs to push that chatty old bitch into a chasm.

Say more horrible things: If I was trapped on that elevator with Grace Van Dien, I’d murder the old people and impregnate her. And Nick probably drives around the US raping children in the back of his van.

Least favorite quote: “Hold onto your butts.” Asshole Sam Jackson thieves.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: I don’t want to sound racist, but I can’t believe Ali would date that terrible, big-lipped jigaboo.

Most relatable current event: Life imitates art.

Final review: I don’t know if it was the movie’s racism or mine, but here’s a rundown of James Woods’ character in the film. A black guy who dates a white girl, doesn’t know his father, can’t take care of his car, steals another car, kills some other white lady, and at one point is accused of having a gun. On the other hand, he is making his own way through college to be a seismologist, so I guess he’s not a total stereotype. Still, I should be dating Grace Van Dien’s character, not him. Although I have to say, more a fan of her in Sleeping Beauty than this. Surprisingly, I’m not digging her overly-made-up “rebellious teen” look. …This isn’t much of a film review, is it? Pretty judgmental all around today. More of an indictment on me than the movie, really. …I need a girlfriend…

Ranking:

2.5 bees

 

Hercules Reborn

Title: Hercules Reborn

Director: Nick Lyon

Writer: Jim Hemphill, Jose Montesinos

Starring: John Hennigan, Christian Oliver, Dylan Vox

Year released: 2014

Their synopsis: “When a young man’s bride is kidnapped by an evil king, he turns to Hercules for help. The fallen hero has been living in exile…Together, they fight to rescue the bride and reclaim Hercules’ honor.”

My synopsis: Out of nowhere, some guy remembers some dude named Hercules is a bad motherfucker who can maybe help him overthrow some other guy who decided he wanted to be king.

Quick review: “The Rock woulda been fucked these niggas up.” -WorldStar commenter-

Pros: The sets weren’t good, but I was expecting worse.

Cons: The armor looked plastic, and not one thing the “comic relief” said was funny.

Biggest movie cliché: Villains slowly attacking a single man one by one.

Favorite quote: “Cunt.” The appropriate response when a woman, literally or figuratively, stabs you in the back.

Say a nice thing: Goddamn, Hercules is cut the fuck up! Turns out, John Hennigan is a wrestler who goes by John Morrison/Johnny Mundo. I was wondering why Hercules frog splashed some guy in the middle of a fight scene. (I’m serious. That actually happened.)

Say a mean thing: I thought Nikos was gay until he raped Arius’s wife.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Sure, let’s just shoehorn Hercules in like that. What the fuck is going on here?

Best? cameo: James Duval. (Miguel, Randy Quaid’s eldest kid from Independence Day.) I knew I recognized that guy.

Most relatable current event: New HEMA documentary, if you’re interested in a nerdgasm.

Final review: A few things really bothered me. Firstly, the modern dialogue written into ancient Greece. I’m not asking for a great deal of historical accuracy with the language, but I do expect better than “I’m totally the best man!” and lines of this ilk. Jim Hemphill is apparently to blame for the godawful screenplay, and I’d be much obliged if he never picked up a pen again. Second, I hated the casting for two of the three main leads. I didn’t buy Christian Oliver as the heroic Arius. He looked more like a homeschooled teenager who’s into obscure sports. Duckpin bowling or something. And Dylan Vox as Nikos looked (and acted) like a shitty alt comic. Hercules being made the outright lead would have resulted in a better film.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

 

Apocalypse Pompeii

Title: Apocalypse Pompeii

Director: Ben Demaree

Writer: Steve Bevilacqua, Jacob Cooney, Bill Hanstock

Starring: Adrian Paul, Jhey Castles, Georgina Beedle

Year released: 2014

Their synopsis: “…Mt. Vesuvius erupts with massive force…[a] family fights to survive the deadly onslaught of heat and lava…”

My synopsis: A family that would never exist in real life vacations in Pompeii, has terrible timing.

Quick review: How do you say ‘bland’ in Italian?

Pros: After this film was over, I took an awesome nap.

Cons: A note for The Asylum: Hire better actors, or limit your actors’ emotional ranges.

Biggest movie cliché: Everything regarding the dad being former black ops.

Say a nice thing: That Pierce family sure is an attractive bunch.

Say a mean thing: What in god’s name is on your face, Gianni? It’s disgusting.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Can’t we predict these things now?

Most relatable current event: “Damn! Mount Vesuvius’s pyroclastic flow is R-A-W, R-A-W.” What Ice Cube would have said, were he there. (Cause NWA, get it?)

Final review: The paper-thin characters aren’t even remotely believable, and only exist for the purpose of this film. The daughter who fetishizes volcanoes has a super dad who did vaguely badass stuff in black ops. Sure, that’s relatable… This movie is an example of my least favorite kind of Asylum film. It’s not any good, but it doesn’t suck quite enough to be entertaining. Nothing of interest happens, so I can’t really pull anything from it. At least this snoozer had the decency to be atrocious.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Mega Shark vs Kolossus

Title: Mega Shark vs Kolossus

Director: Christopher (Douglas-Olen) Ray

Writer: Edward DeRuiter

Starring: Illeana Douglas, Amy Rider, Edward DeRuiter

Year released: 2015

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Whatever happened to Ace Hannah/Jack Perez?

Their synopsis: “In search of a new energy source, Russia accidentally reawakens the Kolossus…At the same time, a new Mega Shark appears, threatening global security. Now the world must figure out how to stop the deadly giants before they destroy everything on land AND sea.”

My synopsis: Yet again, Mega Shark returns, and a new approach to defeating it is conceived. Spoiler alert! It doesn’t work.

Quick review: A step back for the storied Mega Shark franchise.

Pros: The Unicorn Squadron’s uniforms are terrific. And it was funny when Mega Shark blew up jesus. (Team Unicorn is apparently a thing. Who knew?)

Cons: Kolossus is a shitty versee. Also, were the subtitles for the foreigners, who were speaking perfect English, a reference to something? If not, it was just racist.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Fake Sam Jackson. Fuck you, Asylum.

Least favorite quote: For christ’s sake, stop calling it a “Megalodon.” It’s not a Megalodon. Megalodons had a limited size and would not have been impenetrable to missiles. It’s a fucking Mega Shark or it’s nothing!

Say a nice thing: Kolossus threw Mega Shark into space. Yes, it happened, and it was awesome.

Say a mean thing: The editing, especially for the action scenes, is fucking terrible.

Biggest movie cliché: Why does everything mechanical always have a self-destruct feature?

Most relatable current event: The summer belonged to Deep Blue.

Final review: As much as I hated fake Sam Jackson, at least it was obvious wink to the audience. As was blowing up Cristo Redentor, and distracting the giant Soviet-era robot with an enormous American flag. For some reason, however, the film would often stop enjoying its silliness, and decide that Mega Shark versus Kolossus was a subject to be taken seriously. Kolossus is easily the worst of the Mega Shark opponents. Its storyline didn’t make any sense, and was practically unnecessary. If you want Mega Shark to fight a giant robot, there are a hundred better ways to get there. As awful as Kolossus is, the actual villain of the movie is embarrassing. Another Mega Shark will be made; cross your fingers it’s something fun.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

Flight World War II

Title: Flight World War II

Director: Emile Edwin Smith

Writer: Jacob Cooney, Bill Hanstock

Starring: Faran Tahir, Matias Ponce, Aqueela Zoll, Robbie Kay

Year released: 2015

Their synopsis: “Caught in a battle between Allied and German forces, the passengers of a modern day 757 fight to stay alive after their plane mysteriously travels back in time to 1940…”

My synopsis: A passenger jet finds itself in an alternate, WWII reality. Unfortunately, this alternate reality still includes Nazis, and those dirty Krauts try to shoot down the plane.

Quick review: Flight World War Snooze! Hi-yooo!!

Pros: The co-pilot looks just like Jimmy Fallon. It made me chuckle.

Cons: Sergeant Turner can fight, but he sure as shit can’t act. And ‘International Airlines’ is an awful name for an airline. Is every single flight international? Is that even a sustainable business model?

Biggest movie cliché: Poor man’s Ray Liotta is an irritable passenger who needs answers now, lady!

Favorite nonexistent, anti-Semitic quote: How funny would it be if after that one guy said, “We can prevent the Holocaust!” someone yelled out, “Ah, fuck ‘em anyway!”

Say a nice thing: The astonishingly poorly-named Aqueela Zoll is unfairly gorgeous. I mean, good lord…

Say a mean thing: The astonishingly poorly-named Aqueela Zoll is the goddamn nosiest stewardess I’ve ever seen. Mind your business, bitch.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Really? No one questioned the Arab pilot?! He’s the first one I’d blame.

Most relatable current event: Should’ve pulled this maneuver in the first place.

Final review: Ok, I’ll bite. A passenger jet goes back in time to WWII. However, I simply will not buy a 757 outmaneuvering multiple German fighter planes, whilst simultaneously taking no serious damage. You have to draw the line somewhere. I get it, it’s hard to sustain a film based entirely in an airplane, but come on… Just write the planes out. Put the 757 in peril some other way. “Oh no! The unbelievably attractive flight attendant keeps removing her clothes and straddling the pilots! They can’t concentrate! We’re all gonna die! Ahhhhh!” Something like that, maybe. Regardless, it’s not an exciting film. Interesting, but not exciting. I’m never under the illusion that the plane will crash, so it’s ninety minutes of waiting until the plane touches down again. Whoo-hoo.

Ranking:

2.5 bees