San Andreas Quake

Title: San Andreas Quake

Director: John Baumgartner

Writer: John Baumgartner

Starring: Jhey Castles, Lane Townsend, Grace Van Dien, Jason Woods

Year released: 2015

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): GVD!

Their synopsis: “When a discredited L.A. Seismologist warns of an impending 12.7 earthquake, no one takes her seriously. Now on her own, she races desperately to get her family to safety…”

My synopsis: A seismologist (lowercase ‘s’) finds out her daughter is dating a black guy and is absolutely not cool with it. I mean, she doesn’t say that, but I could tell… Oh, and LA is being destroyed by massive earthquakes.

Quick review: The exact movie you expect it to be. No more, no less.

Pros: An Edison slam. I like a pro-Tesla film.

Cons: Honest to god, whose idea was the hippo attack? Because why?

Biggest movie cliché: White ladies falling down while being chased.

Favorite quote: “Four-way!” Gay guys are always requesting orgies.

Say a mean thing: That’s not your son, lady. That’s a fat, dead Mexican man.

Say another mean thing: Somebody needs to push that chatty old bitch into a chasm.

Say more horrible things: If I was trapped on that elevator with Grace Van Dien, I’d murder the old people and impregnate her. And Nick probably drives around the US raping children in the back of his van.

Least favorite quote: “Hold onto your butts.” Asshole Sam Jackson thieves.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: I don’t want to sound racist, but I can’t believe Ali would date that terrible, big-lipped jigaboo.

Most relatable current event: Life imitates art.

Final review: I don’t know if it was the movie’s racism or mine, but here’s a rundown of James Woods’ character in the film. A black guy who dates a white girl, doesn’t know his father, can’t take care of his car, steals another car, kills some other white lady, and at one point is accused of having a gun. On the other hand, he is making his own way through college to be a seismologist, so I guess he’s not a total stereotype. Still, I should be dating Grace Van Dien’s character, not him. Although I have to say, more a fan of her in Sleeping Beauty than this. Surprisingly, I’m not digging her overly-made-up “rebellious teen” look. …This isn’t much of a film review, is it? Pretty judgmental all around today. More of an indictment on me than the movie, really. …I need a girlfriend…

Ranking:

2.5 bees

 

Hercules Reborn

Title: Hercules Reborn

Director: Nick Lyon

Writer: Jim Hemphill, Jose Montesinos

Starring: John Hennigan, Christian Oliver, Dylan Vox

Year released: 2014

Their synopsis: “When a young man’s bride is kidnapped by an evil king, he turns to Hercules for help. The fallen hero has been living in exile…Together, they fight to rescue the bride and reclaim Hercules’ honor.”

My synopsis: Out of nowhere, some guy remembers some dude named Hercules is a bad motherfucker who can maybe help him overthrow some other guy who decided he wanted to be king.

Quick review: “The Rock woulda been fucked these niggas up.” -WorldStar commenter-

Pros: The sets weren’t good, but I was expecting worse.

Cons: The armor looked plastic, and not one thing the “comic relief” said was funny.

Biggest movie cliché: Villains slowly attacking a single man one by one.

Favorite quote: “Cunt.” The appropriate response when a woman, literally or figuratively, stabs you in the back.

Say a nice thing: Goddamn, Hercules is cut the fuck up! Turns out, John Hennigan is a wrestler who goes by John Morrison/Johnny Mundo. I was wondering why Hercules frog splashed some guy in the middle of a fight scene. (I’m serious. That actually happened.)

Say a mean thing: I thought Nikos was gay until he raped Arius’s wife.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Sure, let’s just shoehorn Hercules in like that. What the fuck is going on here?

Best? cameo: James Duval. (Miguel, Randy Quaid’s eldest kid from Independence Day.) I knew I recognized that guy.

Most relatable current event: New HEMA documentary, if you’re interested in a nerdgasm.

Final review: A few things really bothered me. Firstly, the modern dialogue written into ancient Greece. I’m not asking for a great deal of historical accuracy with the language, but I do expect better than “I’m totally the best man!” and lines of this ilk. Jim Hemphill is apparently to blame for the godawful screenplay, and I’d be much obliged if he never picked up a pen again. Second, I hated the casting for two of the three main leads. I didn’t buy Christian Oliver as the heroic Arius. He looked more like a homeschooled teenager who’s into obscure sports. Duckpin bowling or something. And Dylan Vox as Nikos looked (and acted) like a shitty alt comic. Hercules being made the outright lead would have resulted in a better film.

Ranking:

2.5 bees

 

#1 Cheerleader Camp

Title: #1 Cheerleader Camp

Director: Mark Quod

Writer: Naomi L. Selfman

Starring: Seth Cassell, Jay Gillespie, Erica Duke

Year released: 2010

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): The “Unrated Upskirt Version.” Really the only version, if you ask me.

Their synopsis: “A pair of horny college guys get summer jobs at a sexy cheerleader camp.”

My synopsis: Aren’t all cheerleader camps, “sexy” cheerleader camps?

Quick review: Not funny, occasionally loathsome. Only mildly arousing.

Pros: The movie opens with respectable, progressive, topless large-breasted women bouncing on a trampoline to protest white male paternalism. (I assume.)

Cons: There isn’t one believable aspect of this film. Why complicate yoga shorts and dick jokes with such a retarded plot?

Biggest movie cliché: The awkward, insecure girl that everyone made fun of was actually a great cheerleader?! Now I’ve heard everything!!

Least favorite quote: “I got it at the stripper store.” That’s especially careless writing.

Say a nice thing: I’ve heard of tone-deaf, but after looking at all those hard bodies, I’m going tone-blind!

Say a mean thing: I would only pay Charlene Tilton to appear at her own funeral.

Say a thing: That gay guy is the most passive rapist I’ve ever seen.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Not sure why all these 30-year-olds are at a cheerleading camp.

Most relatable current event: Every single real/faux Star Wars fanboy cheerleading the latest trailer. Everyone wants this movie to be good so goddamn badly, but I’m still not sure. I still remember the disappointment of Super 8.

Final review: First things first. Who the fuck is Charlene Tilton and why am I supposed to give a shit? Because I don’t. She’s an irrelevant person who is an irrelevant addition to an irrelevant movie already riddled with irrelevant plot add-ons. Instead of recreating trite premises such as the scheming rival cheerleader (Named Britt, obviously.) why not lend some of the writing to explain something pertinent, like how the fuck old these people are supposed to be? This film was made by people who haven’t even a cursory knowledge of cheerleading. “Cheerleaders are hot, right? But what else do they do?” “I bet they run constantly, and would be friends with strippers!” The movie’s worst sin, however, is that it thinks it’s cool. It’s not edgy, it’s predictable and monotonous.

Ranking:

2 bees

Martian Land

Title: Martian Land

Director: Scott Wheeler

Writer: Jeremy M. Inman

Starring: Alan Polack-name, Jennifer Dorogi, Lane Townsend

Year released: 2015

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): I’m annoyed that I can’t find any new Asylum films to review on Netflix. Also, The Martian is excellent. (Finally, Ridley Scott!)

Their synopsis: “In the distant future, mankind lives on Mars…When a massive sandstorm breaks through the dome and destroys Mars New York, those in Mars Los Angeles must figure out how to stop the storm before it wipes them out next.”

My synopsis: A big ass storm threatens to destroy our new Martian civilization. This ridiculous, yet fun idea is thoroughly trampled by inept filmmaking.

Quick review: Jesus fucking christ on a cross this is horrible.

Pros: Mars is cool. Literally!

Cons: Mars New York (MNY) and Mars Los Angeles (MLA). How fucking uninspired.

Biggest movie cliché: Love triangles are so distracting.

Least favorite quote: “Blah blah, stealing Matt Damon’s line from The Martian’s trailer, blah.”

Say a nice thing: The cute, understated lesbian couple should have been given more screen time. They weren’t abysmal.

Say a mean thing: Dionne Neish’s accent in this is fucking enraging. Does she really talk like that?

Ruin a nice thing that you said: Of course Mars is wet! Ellie and Ida are out there sloshin’ around in each other’s boxes!

Biggest suspension of disbelief: They stole from Armageddon! Are you fucking serious?! They actively stole from Armageddon! Michael Bay’s Armageddon!! Goddammit!!

Most relatable current event: Unlike this pulseless movie, Mars may have supported life.

Final review: I was not having a great day when I decided to review this film, and motherfucking jesus christ did it get worse. When I reviewed AVH, released in 2007, I wrote that The Asylum has “certainly gotten better over the years in terms of production value and special effects.” This film is a regression. It feels like an early Asylum production. All parts of it are equally horrendous. The costumes are as bad as the settings, which are as bad as the dialogue, acting, plot, editing, effects, etc. The whole movie just happens. It’s forgettable and pointless. And let us not forget that of all the films involving space, these assholes chose to rip off Armageddon. Just embarrassing.

Ranking:

1.5 bees