Merlin’s Apprentice

Title: Merlin’s Apprentice

Director: David Wu

Writer: Christian Ford, Roger Soffer

Starring: Dr. Alan Grant, John Reardon, Tegan Moss, Meghan Ory

Year released: 2006

Their synopsis: “The great sorcerer Merlin has returned to Camelot and the fight to find the Grail begins.”

My synopsis: Dr. Alan Grant is a wizard. He meets another wizard who wasn’t even in Jurassic Park. Something about the Holy Grail. They save Camelot.

Quick review: It started out fine, then it got pretty sleepy. There were no undue dragons though, so I guess that’s good.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: Jack, whilst talking to a pig, said, “I’m not responsible for saving your bacon.” I honestly cannot believe someone wrote and/or allowed that joke to be shoehorned into a conversation.

Pros: I kept thinking how great Jurassic Park is.

Cons: Get your hair out of the fuckin’ pie, Dr. Grant! Gross…

Biggest movie cliché: The young apprentice is frustrated with his master! He feels he’s not learning fast enough!

Say a nice thing: Drunk Jack is the best Jack.

Say a mean thing: If given the choice of watching this again whilst healthy, or watching Game of Thrones with AIDS, I say bring on the AZT. I’ll make the best of it.

Say a misrepresentative thing: I really wanna bang the chick who was pretending to be a dude.

Final review: I don’t really go for this type of fantasy film, and at three hours, before I even watched a second, I thought I was going to want to blow my brains out. However, the first half wasn’t bad. Once Dr. Alan Grant died though, I lost interest. You can see the end coming a mile down the road, but it takes an eternity to get there. Unneeded scene after unneeded scene, trying anything to add intrigue or suspense. This is the problem, Hallmark, when you attempt to make everything so goddamn long. Oh, and fuck you for that talking pig at the end. That was just fucking stupid.

Ranking:

2 bees

The Poseidon Adventure

Title: The Poseidon Adventure

Director: John Putch

Writer: Bryce Zabel

Starring: Adam Baldwin, Rutger Hauer, Steve Guttenberg, C. Thomas Howell

Year released: 2005

Their synopsis: “A terrorist with an explosive message is aboard the luxury liner Poseidon.”

My synopsis: Someone learned what The Poseidon Adventure was, Googled the word “terrorist”, then wrote a movie. Some assholes helped him make that movie.

Quick review: Remember the 1972 classic it’s based on? With Gene Hackman, Ernest Borgnine, and Shelley Winters, among others? It was really good, got nominated for all those Oscars, won one (two technically), and made a “boatload” (Ha!) of money? They did all that in under two hours… This movie’s a shade under three, and features none of that other shit.

Pros: C. Thomas Howell was trying to fuck a teenager. I like his style. Meanwhile, Steve Guttenberg was trying to get fucked by anybody besides his wife. Again, I’m a fan.

Cons: Worst on-screen lip sync ever. Also, the editor should’ve been fired and should never work again; is it a law that all Hallmark movies have to be three hours long?

Biggest movie cliché: Too many people lived who should’ve died.

Various ethnicities of the terrorists: Chechen, Jamaican, Jordanian, South African (black), South African (white), regular white, Afghan, Mexican, and possibly others. I get it, it’s a cruise, but this isn’t how terrorism works.

Say a nice thing: A character in the movie correctly states that Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom “sucked.”

Say a mean thing: Honestly, the ship sinking scene was one of the worst things I’ve ever had the displeasure to watch.

Say a meaner thing: I laughed when the aerialist fell to her death. I couldn’t help it. It was more silly than dramatic.

Most relatable current event: I’d rather be naked, covered in cottage cheese, and trapped on rat boat than sit through another three-hours of this.

Final review: It’s just unnecessary. That’s the word that keeps popping into my head. “Unnecessary.” Poorly acted, written, directed, produced, and wholly unnecessary.

Ranking:

.5 bee

Merlin and the War of the Dragons

Title: Merlin and the War of the Dragons

Director: Mark Atkins

Writer: Jonathan Macy

Starring: Simon Lloyd-Roberts, Joseph Stacey, Jurgen Prochnow

Year released: 2008

Their synopsis: “An exceptional wizard goes head to head with the evil Hengest.”

My synopsis: Wait… Hengest wasn’t even the main bad guy. He was in the movie for five minutes. Their synopsis doesn’t make any sense.

Quick review: I fell asleep the first time through. Upon second viewing, I stopped it to go get some food. The movie really doesn’t hold your interest, that’s what I’m getting at here.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: For 5th century England, there seemed to be a lot of advanced dentistry and American accents.

Pros: There’s a guy in the movie who looks like Karl Pilkington.

Cons: The editing. Dear holy christ, the editing… And what a lackluster motivational speech toward the end.

Biggest movie cliché: All manner of secrets are spoken about cryptically. Just tell him what Lady Viviane is up to. Is she good or bad? That’s all you have to say.

Favorite quote: “We will not go down without a fight!” Stuntman Dylan Jones, as Uther, paraphrasing the great President Thomas J. Whitmore, in trying to inspire his men to battle.

Say a nice thing: Dylan Jones is good at spinning in circles on a horse.

Say a mean thing: Actress Nia Ann features some of her scenes in this film in her showreel. That’s like Winnie Mandela showing necklacing videos while campaigning for the ANC.

Say a literal thing: Dragons aren’t real, nor is magic.

Most relatable current event: The wizardry of Criss Angel and his Shaq balloon.

Final review: I don’t know why this movie even had dragons. The war wasn’t over/about dragons, they had nothing to do with the overall plot of the film, and every scene they were in was just confusing. My suggestion would be to take out the dragons and remake the movie. Merlin and the War of the Secret Magical Book of Wizard Spells. (Spoiler alert: That movie will also suck.)

Ranking:

2 bees

Postscript: I just realized something; Mark Atkins is obsessed with dragons. That’s why they were in the movie, despite having no relation to anything that was happening. Maybe it’s a sexual thing…

Blackbeard

Title: Blackbeard

Director: Kevin Connor

Writer: Bryce Zabel

Starring: Mark Umbers, Angus Macfadyen, Jessica Chastain (Seriously!)

Year released: 2006

Their synopsis: “The epic true story of the pirate who terrorized the seas and became a legend.”

My synopsis: Blackbeard kidnaps a British naval officer who’s in love with Jessica Chastain; is a dick.

Quick review: It’s pretty good, but jesus, Scorsese, no need to make it so damn long.

Pros: Jessica Chastain. Jessica Chastain shooting guns.

Cons: Blackbeard’s beard looked like a collection of shoelaces.

Biggest movie cliché: It’s a pirate movie. Plank walking, treasure maps, damsel in distress, etc.

Say a nice thing: Old ass pistols look cool.

Say a mean thing: Blackbeard’s real name is “Edward Teach.” Haha, what a pussy.

Most relatable current event: Captain Phillips.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: A bunch of British people hangin’ out in the sun all day, yet so little sunburn. I call bullshit. Also, I’m quite sure I saw an extra carrying a Gucci bag.

Final review: The Braveheart guy makes for a badass pirate. Mark Umbers, whoever the hell that is, makes for a quality Royal Navy lieutenant. And Jessica Chastain is sexy and talented. It was well scripted, acted, and produced. I can’t really bash it, which makes me unhappy. Hallmark is batting .500 right now.

Ranking:

3 bees

The Curse of King Tut’s Tomb

Title: The Curse of King Tut’s Tomb

Director: Russell Mulcahy

Writer: Davd Titcher

Starring: Casper Van Dien, Leonor Varela, Jonathan Hyde

Year released: 2006

Their synopsis: “The search for King Tut’s tomb becomes a life-and-death struggle for two archaeologists.”

My synopsis: A complete misunderstanding of Egyptian history leads a bunch of people to look for something. A decent film is not it.

Quick review: From what I can gather, a group of 8-year-olds convinced hundreds of adults to poorly reenact an Indiana Jones movie (with just a splash of Goosebumps). I don’t know how or why this happened, but I’m hard pressed to think of another explanation for this drivel.

Pros: Jonathan Hyde is in a lot of shitty movies, but he’s a good actor.

Cons: You’re not Indiana Jones, dickhead. Take off the hat. And stop trying to steal Indy’s theme song! Gah!! I’m so angry!

Biggest movie cliché: Pick one at random, it doesn’t matter. How about the consistent audience pandering, i.e. the store in the middle of Cairo with a sign out front that said “Habib’s Antiques”? I groaned constantly throughout this cornball horseshit.

Say a nice thing: Nooo! I don’t wanna! There was a camel chase scene, and they somehow managed to make that suck. Do you know how hard that is?!

Say a mean thing: Really? A two parter? You’re not Tarantino, asshole. Jesus christ… Not all of The Asylum’s productions are home runs, but at least they don’t go out and try to make the fucking Godfather. Keep it simple!

Say a meaner thing: I kept my fingers crossed for most of the movie, hoping that the narrator would be stricken with esophageal cancer. (I think it worked, as the narration abruptly stops and never returns.)

Most relatable current event: Everyone in Egypt killing each other. My guess? It has something to do with this filmic abomination.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: You know what I couldn’t believe? Malcolm McDowell is in the movie. That’s right, Alex from A Clockwork Orange. Alex! From A Clockwork Orange!! Is fucking in The Curse of King Tut’s Tomb!!! What in the jesus fuck is going on here?!?! The fuck happened?! That’s one of the greatest films ever made, and he’s my favorite anti-hero in cinematic history!! I’m so mad and confused!!!

Final review: This film has so few redeeming qualities. It’s trite nonsense, horribly performed by all parties. I suppose Jonathan Hyde was alright, given the shit he had to do and say, and Part 2 wasn’t as bad as Part 1, but aside from that I really can’t say anything positive.

Ranking:

1 bee

Dragonquest

Title: Dragonquest

Director: Mark Atkins

Writer: Brian Brinkman, Micho Rutare

Starring: Daniel Bonjour, Jennifer Dorogi, Marc Singer

Year released: 2009

Their synopsis: “A mythological beast is awakened and a young Keeper must summon his powers for battle.”

My synopsis: A young man goes on a journey. He meets a hot chick, grows as a person, and eventually makes a blue dragon come out of his chest. It’s fucking confusing.

Quick review: I must’ve said “Huh?” or “What?” about 217 times during the course of this movie.

Pros: Quick! Name something more awesome than a dragon! … Give up? A dragon that’s on fuckin’ fire!! Hellz yeah!!! Also, Katya. Delicious, delicious Katya…

Cons: The editing, for a start. Or maybe they ran out of money and had to stop shooting scenes. I don’t know what, but something had to have happened.

Biggest movie cliché: “For ages, harmony was upheld by an order of monks known as ‘The Brotherhood.’” And do I have to mention there’s a giant spider? You probably already guessed that.

Say a nice thing: The main character, Arkadi, is a voyeuristic pothead. He and I could be best pals.

Say a mean thing: I swear to god the film had a music bed the entire time. Fucking annoying.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: He didn’t bang the super hot chick in the lilac bubble bath. All of those things are great; nobody’s turning that down.

Smallest suspension of disbelief: The muggers are black guys.

Final review: Provided it’s interesting, people will watch a film past 90 minutes. I don’t think Mark Atkins knows this. He just kept smashing scenes together with no setup or context. Therefore, the movie was shorter, but inexplicable. It settled down some as it went on, mostly borrowing ideas from other films, notably Star Wars on numerous occasions.

Ranking:

2 bees

Allan Quatermain and the Temple of Skulls

Title: Allan Quatermain and the Temple of Skulls

Director: Mark Atkins

Writer: David Michael Latt, Matthew Thornbury (not H. Rider Haggard)

Starring: Sean Cameron Michael, Natalie Stone, Daniel Bonjour

Year released: 2008

Initial thoughts (Pre-screening): Seriously, the title is amazing. How is this anything other than a godawful rip-off of Indiana Jones? So excited!

Their synopsis: “Allan Quatermain leads Lady Anna and Henry Curtis across dangerous terrain in pursuit of the world’s greatest treasure.”

My synopsis: Man with worst name ever leads English Princess Vespa and a closeted homosexual man across many grassy areas in pursuit of the world’s least successful hybrid of Lord of the Rings and Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Quick review: Not what I thought it was going to be; not all that good, either.

Pros: The B-roll footage of African wildlife, although it was probably stolen from the Discovery Channel. Tits.

Cons: I’ve never seen a less exciting train action sequence take place on such a slowly moving, tiny train. The South African tribal village sequence started out so promising, yet devolved into inane, quasi-racist madness (with zero quality control).

Biggest movie cliché: That map to secret treasure everybody thinks is bullshit? Turns out it isn’t bullshit after all!

Say a nice thing: I guess the claw thing that decapitated people was interesting. (It wasn’t, I just don’t know what else to say.)

Say a mean thing: Why were there doves in the cave? That’s stupid. You weren’t even fucking trying. Also, it took me a week to finish the last 25 minutes of the film. That’s how much I gave a shit.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: This tribesman kills a guy on a horse with a spear from approximately 400 yards away. Later, he misses another dude from 7 feet.

Most relatable current event: Ross Kemp, formerly of the SAS (Super Army Soldiers), teaching tribesmen what’s what.

Final review: Turns out, Allan Quatermain is a real thing. Knowing nothing about it, I’m forced to base my review of the movie entirely on the movie itself. And that’s not good. The phrase ‘by the book’ comes to mind. Or ‘paint by numbers.’ Blah of a film if I’ve ever seen one.

Ranking:

2 bees